What A Douche (Part One)

So I started going back through some of the old articles on the site and I cannot believe how goddamned embarrassed I am to be me. Seriously, this is some of the most pathetic drivel I've ever read. I wish I could build a time machine and slap the shit out of this guy. Then I decided it might be fun to give a sort of opinionated look at what I think of examples of entries.


This is not going to be pretty. If you are turned off by foul language, stop reading right here.

I Don't Know About You...

but I am definitely not a Bleacher Boy.

YES! YES I AM!

First Open Spitting On A Relationship

Well, the long await moment has finally arrived. Our first visitor has been IP banned! Yes, while I'm sure Eric would love to continue the endless cycle of "No YOU'RE STUPID!!!111", I've let Oxie step in and give him the executive bitch slap. Enjoy it, SokuIwishIwasJapanesepleaseloveme!, you are now officially in a class of your own.

Did I think I was being cool? I can't even remember what this was even about, but I know one excellent descriptor for it: BANAL.

First Glimpse of My Failure as a Student

Well, my future at AHS looks like it will be determined by how much work I get done this week. Which doesn't bode well for me since I haven't beaten Tactics yet.

HEY I'VE GOT AN IDEA, FUCKTARD. HOW ABOUT YOU STOP PLAYING GAMEBOY AND GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL. Note from the future: you end up LOSING THAT FUCKING GAME TWO YEARS LATER.

First Example of Me Attempting to Justify Mild Perversion

While the game content may be lacking, the announcer is hilarious, with great one-liners like:

"Kiss that point goodbye, he just doesn't love you anymore!"
"Like a frat boy with a drunken sorority sister, someone just scored and someone's gonna be really pissed in the morning!"
A point here will increase the lead and allow me to say Parchesi! No real reason, I just like saying it! PARCHESI!

If any of you read those quotes and actually laughed, I wish Brazilian Speedy AIDS upon you. Don't be fooled; I didn't buy this game because it was cheap, fun, or mildly humorous (it was only cheap). I bought it because I was a lonely failure, and saw an opportunity for some kind of possible digital stimulation. And remember at this point I wasn't even masturbating so I would just see things that turned me on, get a rod, and then just sort of awkwardly sit there. What a homo.

Also, note the bonus peek at my incredible level of laziness in regards to working on a writing project.

First Look At My Impending Destruction of a Relationship Through Complete Ineptitude

Anyhow, I had a pretty long discussion with Danielle on Friday. Wow. I mean, wow with italics and shit. I must have talked at her for two and a half hours. If you must now, yes I did ask her out. She said no. She didn't want to hurt a certain friend of her's feelings, a very noble reason in my opinion (especially since that friend reads this site). What followed was an awkward hug (she's like bite-sized if you didn't know), and a walk of denial (or maybe the dropoff at the end of blissful thinking) to her house. It's a lot easier to talk when it's about something else, obviously. I think I may have told her within the said two hours that followed everything. That includes Rebecca, whom I've told about no one that wasn't a pirate about.

I bet you already know how this story ends, ladies and germs. But in case you don't, suffice to say that my extreme antisocial behavior (I think at one point she actually told me, "I want to kiss you" and I just stared at her like a fucking retard instead of you know, KISSING HER) and my serial-killeresque overdedication to her scared her the fuck away, as it would any rational human being. Oh, don't believe me? Be-fucking-hold:

Something about being let inside a person as...incredible as that is truly a blessing in my eyes.

I am NOT talking about fucking her. I'm talking about TALKING to her. This whole fucking entry is full of me trying to be cute and likeable. What a false fucking douche. The truth was that I was goddamned terrified just as much as I was happy, and these entries were propaganda because I was SO sure that Danielle was hanging on my every printed word. Jesus, is this really the way I was with girls? No wonder I didn't fucking get laid in high school. And as you can see I'm still in the Entranced With Rebecca period.

Second Open Spitting On A Relationship

It may be a bit too soon to judge, but honestly, what is that Travis? Not to say that you've killed someone or that what you've posted is horrible taboo, but it is what I've been trying to avoid. We can chat like this anywhere - that's what our mouths are for. Writing is a whole other matter. I'm the type of person who sees writing as an art form; a tool of self-expression that has transcended above simple conversation.

WHHHAAAAATT?!?! This is coming from the same guy that was begging all of his friends (including Travis) to write as much as possible on the site? And you're trying to pull some kind of artistic integrity bullshit? What kind of friend are you? Fucking relax, this isn't some tome of knowledge that is going to be published for educating scholars. For Christsakes, you wrote an article about why Grey Fox is actually a pirate and not a ninja. And you're pulling THIS shit?

Of course, the proliferation of programs such as AIM have watered that down, but let's ignore that for a second so I can get to the point.

Quit trying to sound intelligent. YOU ARE JUST COMING OFF AS AN ASSHOLE. ARTSY EXACERBATES THAT.

If I were to compare your post to say, drawing as an art, it would be like art for an advertisement; it's certainly not annoying, and a magazine isn't complete without them, but they aren't exactly necessary.

I feel like I'm talking to a four year old

What a cunt you are, me.

Third Open Spitting On A Relationship

First off Travis, I have to say wow. You handle criticism like a child. I used your post as an example yes, but as Lucio said, I'm talking to everyone. I know that I have done it in the past. I was using the past as an example of what not to do in the future. Don't do what my sister does and assume that because you hear your name that I'm stabbing you in between the eyes. I thought I made it abundantly clear that that was not, in fact, what I was doing.

First off, you're lying. It was posted DIRECTLY at Travis and you know it. Certainly you don't forget complaining about him behind his back to Lucio about it like a backstabbing ass? In case you forgot, you complained about him to Lucio behind his back. Jerk. Secondly, YOU'RE FUCKING SURPRISED? You openly spit in someone's face and what, they're just supposed to lick it off and keep moving? Here's my major problem: I think my intellect is so massive that people just receive my words as wisdom rather than as a stupid teenager's opinions. What a fucking blowhard. I was exactly the kind of teenager I used to complain about at that age: I was entitled, acted with a superiority complex, and only gave two shits about what I thought, unless you agreed with me and loved my opinion. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

This doesn't mean that I'm dictating your opinion, and I'm NOT TELLING YOU TO WRITE ANY DIFFERENTLY.

YES YOU ARE. CAPS DO NOT MAKE LIES TRUE.

This doesn't mean you don't have to show some Goddamned respect. I'm not even talking about me; you're indignant to anyone who tries to right you when you're going the wrong direction. If you can't criticize yourself before all, you can't criticize anyone.

Shut the fuck up, you goddamned liar. Travis, do you want to get in this time machine? We're gonna kick the shit out of this "BJ" guy. Certainly not Dante. Dante was a poet with a million times more brain power than you. You are just a dumb kid who thinks he's smarter than everyone else. Your comparison is, in a word, HUBRIS.

First (And Only) Example of Me Respecting Someone For Making a Snuff Film About Jesus

Yes, this movie actually made me cry. How could you be human and not cry at such an atrocity? The only other time I've ever cried watching a movie was Schindler's List, and that's because my grandfather was a Jew (though he was in America during the war). The idea that someone could hate that much is overwhelming to me.

Oh stop it. This farce was exactly that - a farce. It was two hours of Jesus getting beaten by Romans. How could you be moved by that? It was just sick, bizzare, and intentionally polarizing. How could you be human and cry...what? You just made a joke yesterday about cutting off a Nigerian kid's good diamond grabbing hand. Oh wait, that's right, I said it, not you. You're the artiste who feels deeply inside, and I'm the jaded asshat you grew into, who gets kicks out of making horribly inappropriate jokes.

I was ready to see every single bastard that was involved in killing Christ burn in Hell. But he forgave them. Why? That's all I can really ask myself. Could I have done that? Could I have been so selfless as to love those who wanted nothing but my suffering and death?

EWWW. Stop trying to think like a poet. This was not that deep.

Because it's disturbing, and if you're not too blind to hate Mel Gibson or the Jews or whatever, then what you do see is worse. You see yourself.

I wish you would see yourself in the rearview mirror of a car plummeting off the side of a mountain, queer.

Second Look At My Impending Destruction of a Relationship Through Complete Ineptitude

Maybe I'm just being paranoid; maybe I'm overreacting. But I don't feel like a good person. I don't know why. I feel inadequate; I don't often feel this way. I feel like I've been thrown in the ocean and forgotten how to swim.

Pull yourself together, kid. It's a girl, not a nuclear standoff with a Russian submarine. Jesus, don't you think you're overthinking this a little?

Rebecca told me that she loved me back the other day.

Lie.

That was a hard blow to take. She puts me through all that pain.....just forget it. I'm done with her.

LIE.

She's like a damn plague, she won't get out of my mind. I get the sense that at least 35% of the conversations I've had with D involved me talking about Rebecca.

THIS IS THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE THE LIE.

Why can't I just let go and be happy? Why do I feel like I'm only drawing those close to me into my own little web? Like I said, maybe I'm overreacting. I've have a bad habit of building an image of a person or situation in my mind, and having it not come out the way I expected.

You can, you just choose not to because you are an opportunist, who can't even be honest about it. By the way, that habit is called being a megalomaniacal failure.

I don't know. I just don't feel like I deserve a girlfriend. I have friends who deserve this kind of happiness far more than I do.

You don't. They do.

Yes, he's kinda funky, isn't much of a ladies' man (or doesn't get the chance to be), but he's not a raving, psychopathical liar like me.

Well, at least you're partially cogent of your underlying problem.

Does that give you a scope of my asshole side? Yes, sometimes I am that kind of person.

Sometimes? Man, you should read the shit you're gonna write about yourself in 5 years. Oh wait.

I will say that from my experience, she did have some questionable hygiene issues, and she was pretty neglectful

Note how I never hesitate to throw a friend under the bus, on a tangent to the subject of a post. What a pal.

Third Look At My Impending Destruction of a Relationship Through Complete Ineptitude

Anyhow, I was really looking forward to hanging out with D today. It made the day go by REALLY SLOOOOOOOOOOW. But it finally came, albeit with a condition: she had to go shopping with her friends. Now I'm not one to complain (you decide if that's a true statement), but I got hardly any time with her at all. She spent over an hour in Ross.

Here's another post displaying just how fucking clueless I was in general back then. GET THE HINT! If you are the guy sitting outside watching a goddamned bag while object of your affection is having time elsewhere, YOU PROBABLY WEREN'T MEANT TO BE HERE.

Why the Hell am I even writing this? It's just pissing everyone off now. I know, it's not an interesting story like I want it to be.

Another lie. I was hoping to bait people into telling me, "No, this is really compelling stuff." I wanted so bad to have sympathy and affection that I did the girl move and tried to reverse psychology anyone who was still reading the site at this point.

The Pale Rider Cometh

Hmmm. I've got to redeem myself. I've gotta tell her how I feel. I can already see that this holding back and tentative smile crap is just making us go down the drain. I mean, we've been going out for three days, and even Emily's telling me to step up (well, indirectly). So I will.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP IT NOW STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm hesitant with the word love for two reasons:
A: I don't want to sound crazy
B: It seems like I've only begun to scratch your surface, so to speak

Good! You should be so hesitant that you don't even write it down. But hell, you've already gotten it out, so that's enough of that, right? I mean, God, I know you've been going out for a whole THREE DAYS and that you should be shopping for engagement rings at this point but seriously....don't do this to me.

But really, what is love? I love my mom, but I can't stand her. I like my friends, but I don't love them. Or do I? In risk of sounding like Foreigner, I want to know what love is.

Oh. My. GOD. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! You managed to quote, within FIVE SENTENCES, not one but TWO shitty 80s songs about the meaning of love. Are you trying to set this on fire?!

And by the way, quit hating on your mom. She's putting up with YOU!

I don't comprehend it, I can't define it. I know that there is so much I want to say to you, but I don't, because I'm afraid of scaring you, or something. So maybe I do love you.

Holy babyfuck Christ do you realize what you've just done? You would have done less damage to this relationship by strapping a nailbomb to your chest and pressing the detonator against her face.

I thought I knew love, but last time I thought I was professing it, I lost a friend forever.

Yeah no shit. STRIKE TWO, DUMBASS.

You're a beautiful person, inside and out. Though it seems like I hardly know you, this becomes more evident every day. All the more reason why this divide between us makes me feel increasingly bitter.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HARDLY KNOW HER! Goddamnit! I like that you seem to think that three days of not kissing a girl and professing your idiot love is unimaginably inhuman. That Berlin Wall's gotta fall!

I've played this game of shy hold back for three days. I can't do it anymore. I don't know if my love is true love (whatever that may be, I just don't know if it's even real anymore), but there is some kind of love.

Oh I know, it's so painful right? It's been 72 HOURS! I've never spent that much time not being with a girl - oh wait. What kind of love is there, by the way? Love of self-induced failure? Because boy you sure do seem to have a penchant for it.

I love you.

Fuck you.

I don't know quite what that means yet, and I don't know if I'll ever find out. But I'd rather go overboard again than let you slip away.

If you don't know what it means...WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT?!

I'm not good at this; I'll be the first to admit it. I don't know how to have a girlfriend. This has all only previously existed in my dreams. But it's real now, and its translation is hard for me.

No shit, no shit, NO SHIT, and not for long.

Help me love you.

Alright, listen. I seriously can't read this anymore. I have the douche chills HARD. I cannot fucking believe I expected this to be ANYTHING resembling good. It would be less painful to attempt to copy onto my eyes with a piece of glass.

I apologize if I sound over the top. But this is how I feel.

I want to set you on fire.




I seriously have AT LEAST twelve more entries from just this sitting that I could get in but I literally have no more tolerance for my own writing. I will follow this up later.