Step Five: Acceptance
GODDAMNIT. It's not going away. I feel like I'm dying. It's really bizzare. I just...no. I'm sick of travelling down this forsaken path. If you go to Seal's website, a Seal Player will open up. Inside, you can hear all his music. Free. Did I mention I love Seal? Seriously, if I ever go gay, he's the dude I'm emailing. Pirates don't do that though, so don't worry.
Hmmm. I've got to redeem myself. I've gotta tell her how I feel. I can already see that this holding back and tentative smile crap is just making us go down the drain. I mean, we've been going out for three days, and even Emily's telling me to step up (well, indirectly). So I will. Danielle, I like you. A lot. I'm hesitant with the word love for two reasons:
A: I don't want to sound crazy
B: It seems like I've only begun to scratch your surface, so to speak
But really, what is love? I love my mom, but I can't stand her. I like my friends, but I don't love them. Or do I? In risk of sounding like Foreigner, I want to know what love is. Don't laugh. I do. I don't comprehend it, I can't define it. I know that there is so much I want to say to you, but I don't, because I'm afraid of scaring you, or something. So maybe I do love you. I thought I knew love, but last time I thought I was professing it, I lost a friend forever. You're a beautiful person, inside and out. Though it seems like I hardly know you, this becomes more evident every day. All the more reason why this divide between us makes me feel increasingly bitter. I've played this game of shy hold back for three days. I can't do it anymore. I don't know if my love is true love (whatever that may be, I just don't know if it's even real anymore), but there is some kind of love. I love you. Okay? I don't know quite what that means yet, and I don't know if I'll ever find out. But I'd rather go overboard again than let you slip away. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm not good at this; I'll be the first to admit it. I don't know how to have a girlfriend. This has all only previously existed in my dreams. But it's real now, and its translation is hard for me. Help me love you. Please. I want you to be happy. The only thing that makes me happy now is seeing you smile, it seems. Video games hold almost no joy for me now. I bought DDR to try to pull that familiar side back. But I don't think I'll ever be what I was before. Maybe that's what I feared the whole time, losing myself, evolving. But this...nothing is killing me. I don't care if people look at us funny, or if it might seem a little awkward when Emily is around (no offense, Emily). I don't think that's a good excuse to not show my affection. As Hootie might say, hold my hand, damnit. When I hold you in my arms, I honestly feel freedom like I've never experienced before. For me, you have to realize that a physical embrace as whole as a hug (for lack of a better word) is much more expressive and true than a kiss. Mouths can lie; souls cannot. I don't know how to express what I mean better than that. All the stress of the world, my school, my emptiness is burned away in that brief moment. It makes it that much more painful to let go.
I apologize if I sound over the top. But this is how I feel.
Hmmm. I've got to redeem myself. I've gotta tell her how I feel. I can already see that this holding back and tentative smile crap is just making us go down the drain. I mean, we've been going out for three days, and even Emily's telling me to step up (well, indirectly). So I will. Danielle, I like you. A lot. I'm hesitant with the word love for two reasons:
A: I don't want to sound crazy
B: It seems like I've only begun to scratch your surface, so to speak
But really, what is love? I love my mom, but I can't stand her. I like my friends, but I don't love them. Or do I? In risk of sounding like Foreigner, I want to know what love is. Don't laugh. I do. I don't comprehend it, I can't define it. I know that there is so much I want to say to you, but I don't, because I'm afraid of scaring you, or something. So maybe I do love you. I thought I knew love, but last time I thought I was professing it, I lost a friend forever. You're a beautiful person, inside and out. Though it seems like I hardly know you, this becomes more evident every day. All the more reason why this divide between us makes me feel increasingly bitter. I've played this game of shy hold back for three days. I can't do it anymore. I don't know if my love is true love (whatever that may be, I just don't know if it's even real anymore), but there is some kind of love. I love you. Okay? I don't know quite what that means yet, and I don't know if I'll ever find out. But I'd rather go overboard again than let you slip away. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm not good at this; I'll be the first to admit it. I don't know how to have a girlfriend. This has all only previously existed in my dreams. But it's real now, and its translation is hard for me. Help me love you. Please. I want you to be happy. The only thing that makes me happy now is seeing you smile, it seems. Video games hold almost no joy for me now. I bought DDR to try to pull that familiar side back. But I don't think I'll ever be what I was before. Maybe that's what I feared the whole time, losing myself, evolving. But this...nothing is killing me. I don't care if people look at us funny, or if it might seem a little awkward when Emily is around (no offense, Emily). I don't think that's a good excuse to not show my affection. As Hootie might say, hold my hand, damnit. When I hold you in my arms, I honestly feel freedom like I've never experienced before. For me, you have to realize that a physical embrace as whole as a hug (for lack of a better word) is much more expressive and true than a kiss. Mouths can lie; souls cannot. I don't know how to express what I mean better than that. All the stress of the world, my school, my emptiness is burned away in that brief moment. It makes it that much more painful to let go.
I apologize if I sound over the top. But this is how I feel.
Comments