Reflectribution

Ah fuck it. So me and D are going out. In a word: Unbelievawesomscaryshit. Okay, so I couldn't think of one word, so I typed a bunch. But that is what it's like. I've been wishing this would happen on and off since Freshman year. And it finally happens, and what am I? A worried, degenerating mass of goo. Yes, this is my first girlfriend. Yes, this is the farthest I've been in a relationship. No, I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I'm just being paranoid; maybe I'm overreacting. But I don't feel like a good person. I don't know why. I feel inadequate; I don't often feel this way. I feel like I've been thrown in the ocean and forgotten how to swim. Rebecca told me that she loved me back the other day. That was a hard blow to take. She puts me through all that pain.....just forget it. I'm done with her. She's like a damn plague, she won't get out of my mind. I get the sense that at least 35% of the conversations I've had with D involved me talking about Rebecca. God damn it. Why can't I just break away? Why can't I just let go and be happy? Why do I feel like I'm only drawing those close to me into my own little web? Like I said, maybe I'm overreacting. I've have a bad habit of building an image of a person or situation in my mind, and having it not come out the way I expected. I don't know. I just don't feel like I deserve a girlfriend. I have friends who deserve this kind of happiness far more than I do. Like Dalder. Yes, he's kinda funky, isn't much of a ladies' man (or doesn't get the chance to be), but he's not a raving, psychopathical liar like me. Why doesn't he have anyone? Take Eric too. You may know him as the guy I said didn't let me get a ride from because I was a pirate. Partially true. He did say, "I don't let pirates in my house" or something, but he was kidding. I had a really bad night before, and while I realized it was a joke, I took the asshole path and decided to turn on him with an undeserving rage. Blah blah he's a bad friend, blah blah he's a total freak and I can't believe I hang out with him. Does that give you a scope of my asshole side? Yes, sometimes I am that kind of person. I heard something about Eric breaking up with his girlfriend Cassie. I won't pretend to like her, I never have. But she wasn't my girlfriend damnit. I criticized the HELL out of her, partially because I was jealous, mostly because I didn't like the prospect of one of my closest (at the time) friends of getting into a potentially damaging relationship.
Of course I didn't tell him that. I told him she was a total bitch, blah blah she's stupid blah blah. I will say that from my experience, she did have some questionable hygiene issues, and she was pretty neglectful of Eric towards the end (that's how I perceived it). But he loved her, and that's all that matters. And for that I truly apologize to Eric for being the complete asshole that I am. Anyway, I guess my self-berating rant is over.


By the way, I didn't link this one, because I don't want to see your results. SCHWAH!