Over seasick
"What the fuck am I doing here?"
Alyssa pretty much covers it exactly. I had a long list of reasons 10 months ago (discussed here), but almost all of those reasons have dissipated. To be frank, I've had enough of this country. Enough.
So what am I doing here? There's only a few reasons left. First and foremost, I don't want to be another jerkoff foreigner who jumps ship and totally screws their school over, so I'm determined to finish the semester (mid July). Regardless of how depressing my life has become, my school has treated me pretty well (compared to other schools) and I want to do the right thing and finish my contract as agreed.
Second, is, well, money. Saving money is nice, and there's a recession, and I like being independent, and hell, money is nice.
Last, is travel. Flying to China roundtrip is $500. It's the same ballpark figure for most other East Asian countries, so I might as well take advantage of my geographic location. I have 2 1/2 months to travel the shit out of this place. I have definite plans for Taiwan and China, and maybe Hong Kong/Philippines/Thailand.
Back to why life sucks fat penis. It's all what Alyssa described. I'm just missing out on all you important people, and you are important, probably the most important thing I have if I were to rank such things. You guys are my happiness. I want nothing more than to live with you all and have some regular job where I can fucking communicate without having to wave my hands in the air. But mostly it's just to live with you guys and do all the usual shit that we usually do.
My life here is pitiful. I don't really have friends here. I mean, yeah, I guess I have friends, but they're not you guys, and I think that's my entire problem. I don't want to meet new people anymore. New people fucking suck. Most people here fucking suck. A few are cool, but they're not you guys. When I meet Mr. English teacher #504, I say "Hey" and think "you probably fucking suck, and you are definitely not Travis or Lucio or etc, so you are at least not that great."
I've sabotaged my friend-making capacity in this country, consciously in that I sometimes intentionally don't even make an effort to get to know people, and sub-consciously because I've secretly wished for a longgggg ass time that I was home. Regardless of my own shortcomings though, friend-making here is pretty one-sided here anyways. It involves getting piss drunk in foreigner bar #302 and pretending everyone is having a good time. I'm not having a good time, usually. And I suspect most aren't having a good time either.
I can say anything around you guys. I think that's the thing that kills me the most. I can't say outrageous and stupid shit around people here, because then I'm both outrageous and stupid. I feel like I just can't be myself. Like Alyssa said, I'm just the San Francisco guy who's single and tall. Just another foreigner in this country who doesn't know what he is doing.
There's another reason I'm still here, and it's one that I'm pretty embarrassed to admit, so I'm just going to go ahead and say it anyways and hope she's not reading this. I'm still here because I want to justify the fact that I gave up a girl that I fell for hard. Really hard. The kinda hard that I had no idea would be so hard until I realized I was no longer with her and quite possibly will never be with again. She's in my head constantly, even after 10 months, and it's driving me crazy. And it probably wouldn't be so hard if I had you guys to tell me how not great she is and that I could totally find someone better and just the usual comforts you get with your true friends.
So that's a whole lot of pessimism. I guess I can say that most of the time I'm not very happy. But when you look at it objectively, it's nothing atypical. I'm an American who's living in fucking Korea. Of course it's hard. Did I mention this is the hardest thing I've ever done, ever? It's hard. Every aspect of my life has been upside down. Nothing here feels like home. People should have a home, right? I don't belong here. And there's certainly a place where a person belongs.
Would I change the fact that I came here? No, I don't think so. This whole thing has been life changing, in a way. Someone here told me once that he felt like he could do anything after this. That's true, I feel like I can do anything. And that's pretty valuable, at least to me. That feeling that I can do literally anything because it certainly isn't as hard as living in fucking Korea, day in and day out, for a whole year.
Anyways, I miss you big dumb babies and I'm probably going to go into an epileptic seizure of happiness when I get back home. Seriously, a seizure, you might have to call an ambulance. Also, congratulations to Lucio for sticking his penis in a girl's vagina!
Alyssa pretty much covers it exactly. I had a long list of reasons 10 months ago (discussed here), but almost all of those reasons have dissipated. To be frank, I've had enough of this country. Enough.
So what am I doing here? There's only a few reasons left. First and foremost, I don't want to be another jerkoff foreigner who jumps ship and totally screws their school over, so I'm determined to finish the semester (mid July). Regardless of how depressing my life has become, my school has treated me pretty well (compared to other schools) and I want to do the right thing and finish my contract as agreed.
Second, is, well, money. Saving money is nice, and there's a recession, and I like being independent, and hell, money is nice.
Last, is travel. Flying to China roundtrip is $500. It's the same ballpark figure for most other East Asian countries, so I might as well take advantage of my geographic location. I have 2 1/2 months to travel the shit out of this place. I have definite plans for Taiwan and China, and maybe Hong Kong/Philippines/Thailand.
Back to why life sucks fat penis. It's all what Alyssa described. I'm just missing out on all you important people, and you are important, probably the most important thing I have if I were to rank such things. You guys are my happiness. I want nothing more than to live with you all and have some regular job where I can fucking communicate without having to wave my hands in the air. But mostly it's just to live with you guys and do all the usual shit that we usually do.
My life here is pitiful. I don't really have friends here. I mean, yeah, I guess I have friends, but they're not you guys, and I think that's my entire problem. I don't want to meet new people anymore. New people fucking suck. Most people here fucking suck. A few are cool, but they're not you guys. When I meet Mr. English teacher #504, I say "Hey" and think "you probably fucking suck, and you are definitely not Travis or Lucio or etc, so you are at least not that great."
I've sabotaged my friend-making capacity in this country, consciously in that I sometimes intentionally don't even make an effort to get to know people, and sub-consciously because I've secretly wished for a longgggg ass time that I was home. Regardless of my own shortcomings though, friend-making here is pretty one-sided here anyways. It involves getting piss drunk in foreigner bar #302 and pretending everyone is having a good time. I'm not having a good time, usually. And I suspect most aren't having a good time either.
I can say anything around you guys. I think that's the thing that kills me the most. I can't say outrageous and stupid shit around people here, because then I'm both outrageous and stupid. I feel like I just can't be myself. Like Alyssa said, I'm just the San Francisco guy who's single and tall. Just another foreigner in this country who doesn't know what he is doing.
There's another reason I'm still here, and it's one that I'm pretty embarrassed to admit, so I'm just going to go ahead and say it anyways and hope she's not reading this. I'm still here because I want to justify the fact that I gave up a girl that I fell for hard. Really hard. The kinda hard that I had no idea would be so hard until I realized I was no longer with her and quite possibly will never be with again. She's in my head constantly, even after 10 months, and it's driving me crazy. And it probably wouldn't be so hard if I had you guys to tell me how not great she is and that I could totally find someone better and just the usual comforts you get with your true friends.
So that's a whole lot of pessimism. I guess I can say that most of the time I'm not very happy. But when you look at it objectively, it's nothing atypical. I'm an American who's living in fucking Korea. Of course it's hard. Did I mention this is the hardest thing I've ever done, ever? It's hard. Every aspect of my life has been upside down. Nothing here feels like home. People should have a home, right? I don't belong here. And there's certainly a place where a person belongs.
Would I change the fact that I came here? No, I don't think so. This whole thing has been life changing, in a way. Someone here told me once that he felt like he could do anything after this. That's true, I feel like I can do anything. And that's pretty valuable, at least to me. That feeling that I can do literally anything because it certainly isn't as hard as living in fucking Korea, day in and day out, for a whole year.
Anyways, I miss you big dumb babies and I'm probably going to go into an epileptic seizure of happiness when I get back home. Seriously, a seizure, you might have to call an ambulance. Also, congratulations to Lucio for sticking his penis in a girl's vagina!
Comments
Life is all about making the best of what we're given. Sometimes we're given something great, and that's easy and we become complacent. But more times, we're given mediocre or lame situations and we use our social agility to improve them. And having both is important. Perspective in the end is the most important thing we have, because it affects every part of our lives. You can kick yourself for what you no longer have or you can use that loss to create a better understanding of yourself.
Somehow I feel like all of that wasn't actually helpful.
props for sticking with the program even though your sick of it and it sucks. makes me think of college. not that the two are the same by any stretch, but what you said kinda reminded me of college.
I've been blessed with the fact that I'm still in college and there are places like my club that are filled with Japanese people who WANT to know us foreigners. It doesn't mean that I've made 100 great friends but it creates a completely different atmosphere, a much more comfortable one.
I feel terrible that you're suffering cause I understand how hard it is but I'm also glad that it's helped you become stronger. I think we both understand that, after this experience it does feel like you can really do anything.
I hope you finish out these last few months on a better note but I was never one for wishful thinking. You'll probably be miserable like me so let's get this shit done and get home, right?
I hope we can work out this whole living situation but there are a lot of unknown factors that need to be worked out. So...we'll get to it asap.
Hang in there buddy♥
Alyssa: yeah, the next couple months should be better. I already booked a flight to Beijing for one weekend and am going to make some other plans soon too.
I fucking love you and miss you so much. Come home!
<3
Travis.