It Just Plays Back The Same
Day 3 of the same nonsense rolls by. By this point I think we all know what I am talking about at this point, but if you're out of the know, I'm referring to the fact that this is the third day in a row I've seen five minutes or less of Alyssa. We spoke no words today. We came no closer than five feet. Actually, she did say something to me at lunch, but I wasn't listening because I was pissed off. That may have been a mistake. I tried using reverse psychology on her, tried spending today giving her the cold shoulder back to see how she responded. Let me tell you how hard it backfired: the few glimpses I caught of her today consisted of her and Myha laughing their asses of in Judo. Yeah, she's seems real broken up about not seeing me.
I have a double frustration, and both sides are not settling themselves. One side stems from her father giving her so much shit. I don't think I'm giving much away when I say he's the quintessential asshole. As I've learned, douchebags of his caliber don't change over night; they don't change over decade either. The other frustration stems from Alyssa herself. I understand that she has a problem. That's fine, we all do. But she just seems to have no willingness to fix it, no fight in her to change. She just wants to believe that she's garbage. As Sam Lake would put it, she just wants to lay in the hole, eyes squeezed shut, hoping to bleed to death. The way out of Hell is not easy, and I'll be the first one to say that. But if you aren't even gonna put the first foot forward, you may as well set up a tent, because that's where you're gonna stay until you change. Change is hard. Change is the hardest thing in the world for some. We naturally resist change. But this is a change that is all good. This is a change that she needs, more than anything. But how can I make her see that she's more than she believes? I've tried, God knows I've tried, and all I've met with is resistance. Lots of resistance. Almost to the point where I don't even know if she wants me around anymore. I want to be there for her so much it hurts. I see her pain, and I know that if she'd just let it out and share it, it would be so much better. But she won't. She keeps it locked up in a little box, only opening it occasionally to weep in privacy. And that just doesn't help at all.
I just want things to be okay. They aren't. At this rate, they won't be. But that's not really my decision to make.
I have a double frustration, and both sides are not settling themselves. One side stems from her father giving her so much shit. I don't think I'm giving much away when I say he's the quintessential asshole. As I've learned, douchebags of his caliber don't change over night; they don't change over decade either. The other frustration stems from Alyssa herself. I understand that she has a problem. That's fine, we all do. But she just seems to have no willingness to fix it, no fight in her to change. She just wants to believe that she's garbage. As Sam Lake would put it, she just wants to lay in the hole, eyes squeezed shut, hoping to bleed to death. The way out of Hell is not easy, and I'll be the first one to say that. But if you aren't even gonna put the first foot forward, you may as well set up a tent, because that's where you're gonna stay until you change. Change is hard. Change is the hardest thing in the world for some. We naturally resist change. But this is a change that is all good. This is a change that she needs, more than anything. But how can I make her see that she's more than she believes? I've tried, God knows I've tried, and all I've met with is resistance. Lots of resistance. Almost to the point where I don't even know if she wants me around anymore. I want to be there for her so much it hurts. I see her pain, and I know that if she'd just let it out and share it, it would be so much better. But she won't. She keeps it locked up in a little box, only opening it occasionally to weep in privacy. And that just doesn't help at all.
I just want things to be okay. They aren't. At this rate, they won't be. But that's not really my decision to make.
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