A Few Thoughts
Well, I hope this entry isn't too pretentious, since I'm probably one of the least informed people concerning this whole Dante/Alyssa thing. Additionally, I certainly don't mean to pry into other people's business (all the time), but I thought that maybe some words from experience might be somewhat useful. Besides, maybe the point of view of someone who doesn't have all the convoluted details will give a fresh and simplified perspective.
I guess I should start with my own story that is in a way similar to this whole situation, sans the romantic interest. Those of you who know her will know whom I am talking about, but for the sake of privacy, I won't refer to her by name.
I have a friend who, probably no less than about a year or so back, was one of the closest friends I had. I love all my friends, but as I've mentioned before, it's often difficult to talk with them about anything too serious face to face. It was especially harder when we were younger, and at the time, this girl was one of the few people I could really talk to about certain things.
At the time, she was in a rather turbulent situation. She was depressed pretty often, and had a lot of problems in most areas of her life; friends, family, school, boyfriends, etc. Still, I was there for her whenever she needed me, and I truly did sympathize with her for her misfortunes. However, from listening to where her problems manifested and how seriously they daunted her, I came to realize that there were more than a few problems she could solve if she opted to change her own situation. However, she was stuck in a cycle of self-loathing and helplessness (which was made especially ironic by her rebellious nature). At times, I would tell her that she was capable of changing her situation, either in so many words or completely blatantly, but she often brushed my advice off with a "thanks, but I'll be ok" or something else along those lines. Regardless of her subtly disregarding, we remained close and I continued to help her out whenever she needed me.
One day however, she called me and told me about how everything lately (she had had a really bad week, no joke) had been really been getting to her. She began to cry over the phone, sounded near hysterics. Knowing what she was capable of doing to herself in a situation of severe angst, I raised my voice and told her to try and get a hold of herself, that even though she was having these problems recently, I didn't want her to do anything stupid because in the end, she was capable of getting past this. My tone of voice, or more likely my advice that came with it, really rattled her, and she quickly said she'd talk to me later and hung up.
The next time I saw her, I wanted to apologize for blowing up at her, which is how I imagined she had taken it, and explain that I was merely worried about what she might do with her pent up sadness and anger. However, the next time I saw her, she was slightly drunk, and while I'm not as unforgiving as Dante, I'm still not big on alcoholism, especially when it's used as a form of escapism. Regardless of her intoxicated state, I tried to pull her aside from the people we were with, and talk to her one-on-one. Instead, she acted completely obnoxious, and wouldn't let me get a word in. After that point, we did talk, and I did apologize for what happened on the phone, but by then, I was pretty upset, and she made it seem as though I had no right to have been upset with her that night. Since then, I've hardly talked with her and even though I see her occasionally, I don't know how her situation is these days.
I guess this is the point of the story: ultimately, people can only help themselves when they want it. What that means, is that no matter what good intentions you may have, if a person isn't ready to change their situation, they're simply not going to do it, regardless of whether or not it's obviously beneficial or something that will need to change to avoid self-destruction.
Dante, I'm going to be brutally honest with you: You're allowing yourself to become a wreck. Yes, I completely understand how this situation can seem unjust to you, but the fact is, that it is what it is. The irony however, is that what you're doing to yourself is exactly what you're accusing Alyssa of doing, and that's avoiding the issue. Regardless of whether or not you feel that you've put in your effort and now it's her turn, that doesn't change the fact that this is ultimately hurting both you and her, and us as well. I would urge you to ask yourself: would you rather be stubborn and gloomy, or would you rather step up and see how this problem can be solved?
You're right, Alyssa needs to stop ignoring you and talk to you so that this can get worked out. However, it doesn't help when you sit in the corner of the bleachers or don a facade of false emotions. As much as she needs to talk to you, you need to talk to her. Even if you were the one who made the first move before, it would seem that nothing was cleared up, so maybe you need to approach her more directly next time with what exactly it is you want from her. Remember too Dante, that not absolutely everything is always within our control. You know better than any of us that kids can't chose the adults in their lives.
More importantly Dante, you should understand that happiness doesn't come from a separate source; it comes from you. You talked in a previous post about just wanting to be happy, and yes Dante, we all see that clearly and understand it. But it's like you always say, only you are capable of changing your situation. You're perfectly capable of being happy, but you have to make it happen.
I'm not on Alyssa's side Dante. I've already talked with her about what it is I would expect of her, and what I hope she would do to resolve this. I'm aware of the fact that she's being stubborn too, and that her insecurities are somewhat silly. The point though, is that I'm saying all of this because I see you being upset over something that you can change as well. If you value Alyssa as more than a potential girlfriend, and as a friend, then I would imagine it would be worth it to talk to her, no matter how frustrating it would be to do so.
I can't think of much more to say on the matter. As I said before, I don't know all the details, so I hope I didn't make you too mad with any area where I may have proved my ignorance. Besides, I'm sure you probably know a lot of this Dante, because I know you're a very thoughtful and intelligent person, but I hope that maybe seeing it written, and understanding that your friends are on the same wavelength as you, will help. To move forward, you have to take that first step right? And remember Dante: ALWAYS LOOK OOOOON, THE BRIIIIIGHT, SIDE OF LIFE!
**whistle**
-Black Jack Kidd
I guess I should start with my own story that is in a way similar to this whole situation, sans the romantic interest. Those of you who know her will know whom I am talking about, but for the sake of privacy, I won't refer to her by name.
I have a friend who, probably no less than about a year or so back, was one of the closest friends I had. I love all my friends, but as I've mentioned before, it's often difficult to talk with them about anything too serious face to face. It was especially harder when we were younger, and at the time, this girl was one of the few people I could really talk to about certain things.
At the time, she was in a rather turbulent situation. She was depressed pretty often, and had a lot of problems in most areas of her life; friends, family, school, boyfriends, etc. Still, I was there for her whenever she needed me, and I truly did sympathize with her for her misfortunes. However, from listening to where her problems manifested and how seriously they daunted her, I came to realize that there were more than a few problems she could solve if she opted to change her own situation. However, she was stuck in a cycle of self-loathing and helplessness (which was made especially ironic by her rebellious nature). At times, I would tell her that she was capable of changing her situation, either in so many words or completely blatantly, but she often brushed my advice off with a "thanks, but I'll be ok" or something else along those lines. Regardless of her subtly disregarding, we remained close and I continued to help her out whenever she needed me.
One day however, she called me and told me about how everything lately (she had had a really bad week, no joke) had been really been getting to her. She began to cry over the phone, sounded near hysterics. Knowing what she was capable of doing to herself in a situation of severe angst, I raised my voice and told her to try and get a hold of herself, that even though she was having these problems recently, I didn't want her to do anything stupid because in the end, she was capable of getting past this. My tone of voice, or more likely my advice that came with it, really rattled her, and she quickly said she'd talk to me later and hung up.
The next time I saw her, I wanted to apologize for blowing up at her, which is how I imagined she had taken it, and explain that I was merely worried about what she might do with her pent up sadness and anger. However, the next time I saw her, she was slightly drunk, and while I'm not as unforgiving as Dante, I'm still not big on alcoholism, especially when it's used as a form of escapism. Regardless of her intoxicated state, I tried to pull her aside from the people we were with, and talk to her one-on-one. Instead, she acted completely obnoxious, and wouldn't let me get a word in. After that point, we did talk, and I did apologize for what happened on the phone, but by then, I was pretty upset, and she made it seem as though I had no right to have been upset with her that night. Since then, I've hardly talked with her and even though I see her occasionally, I don't know how her situation is these days.
I guess this is the point of the story: ultimately, people can only help themselves when they want it. What that means, is that no matter what good intentions you may have, if a person isn't ready to change their situation, they're simply not going to do it, regardless of whether or not it's obviously beneficial or something that will need to change to avoid self-destruction.
Dante, I'm going to be brutally honest with you: You're allowing yourself to become a wreck. Yes, I completely understand how this situation can seem unjust to you, but the fact is, that it is what it is. The irony however, is that what you're doing to yourself is exactly what you're accusing Alyssa of doing, and that's avoiding the issue. Regardless of whether or not you feel that you've put in your effort and now it's her turn, that doesn't change the fact that this is ultimately hurting both you and her, and us as well. I would urge you to ask yourself: would you rather be stubborn and gloomy, or would you rather step up and see how this problem can be solved?
You're right, Alyssa needs to stop ignoring you and talk to you so that this can get worked out. However, it doesn't help when you sit in the corner of the bleachers or don a facade of false emotions. As much as she needs to talk to you, you need to talk to her. Even if you were the one who made the first move before, it would seem that nothing was cleared up, so maybe you need to approach her more directly next time with what exactly it is you want from her. Remember too Dante, that not absolutely everything is always within our control. You know better than any of us that kids can't chose the adults in their lives.
More importantly Dante, you should understand that happiness doesn't come from a separate source; it comes from you. You talked in a previous post about just wanting to be happy, and yes Dante, we all see that clearly and understand it. But it's like you always say, only you are capable of changing your situation. You're perfectly capable of being happy, but you have to make it happen.
I'm not on Alyssa's side Dante. I've already talked with her about what it is I would expect of her, and what I hope she would do to resolve this. I'm aware of the fact that she's being stubborn too, and that her insecurities are somewhat silly. The point though, is that I'm saying all of this because I see you being upset over something that you can change as well. If you value Alyssa as more than a potential girlfriend, and as a friend, then I would imagine it would be worth it to talk to her, no matter how frustrating it would be to do so.
I can't think of much more to say on the matter. As I said before, I don't know all the details, so I hope I didn't make you too mad with any area where I may have proved my ignorance. Besides, I'm sure you probably know a lot of this Dante, because I know you're a very thoughtful and intelligent person, but I hope that maybe seeing it written, and understanding that your friends are on the same wavelength as you, will help. To move forward, you have to take that first step right? And remember Dante: ALWAYS LOOK OOOOON, THE BRIIIIIGHT, SIDE OF LIFE!
**whistle**
-Black Jack Kidd
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