Present
Well, since we’re all talking about what’s going on in our lives right now, I figured id write something too.
I’m in a bad funk right now; don't know a better way to describe it than that. Things were going really good for a while; I was having my own little creative renaissance. I was making good headway on my comic, I got BJ to go over the writing with me, which was great, he really helped me fine-tune and clear up the things I was trying to say/portray. I was making great headway on the knife and axe I have been making too. The knife’s almost done, I have to do some finale sanding, heat treat it and assemble it, but I’ve never been this close to finishing one of my projects before. I even have the oil and a metal tank to heat treat it in, that's the #1 thing that's held me back in the past. The axe isn’t that far behind either. Everything was going great. And then it all disappeared.
I haven’t been in the garage for over a month, I haven’t even looked at me knife/axe, let alone worked on them. I haven’t drawn for about the same amount of time either. I’ve done a few pictures of use, but the drive is gone, I was forcing myself to do them mostly because I was bored. It’s fucked with my boxing too. I was supposed to have a fight on the 16th(a Sunday), so I was training for it. Finally got back into sparing, but I’ve just been getting my ass kicked. I’ve always been a sucker for punches, but this is something entirely different. It’s like my body from the waist down ways 200 pounds. I stand there and I watch the punch come hit me in the face. I have enough time to think to myself “move”, but I don't. And if my lower body isn’t working, neither are my punches. I’ve been TOLD (I’m still not sure if I believe it or not, cause its never done me any good) that I have strong punches, and they are strong because I punch with my whole body, my legs being the spring that drives it all, if they aren’t working, neither are my punches, I feel like a 5 year old girl could hit harder than me. And then I got hurt. I was sparing this guy, who was lighter than me, and he threw a left hook, it landed behind my right ear and wrenched my neck, the muscle on the left side of my neck started screaming, and I was done. I had to stop sparring. I put on a brave face so Mr. King wouldn't take me outta the fight on Sunday, but it hurt, I knew I pulled it, and I kinda thought it tore a little.
That was a huge blow to me. I’ve been winded, I’ve been knocked down/out (that karate tournament, I might have been knocked out) but I’ve never been hurt like that. Aside from my punch strength the only thing I’ve really been proud of is my toughness. So much for that. I wasn't ready for the fight, but I figured that if I did it, and I got my ass kicked, maybe something inside of me would wake back up, so I kept pushing towards it. The Friday before the fight, King (my coach) came and said the fight was off, that they couldn't find a match up for me. That was a little bit of a let down, all that work for nothing, but a part of me thought “lucky you”. It was just this really sickening and cowardly feeling that I...the way I felt after being told I didn't have to fight, made me feel really pathetic.
Earlier this year I thought I was going to fight in the golden gloves, when the prospect came around I was so fucking excited, I told my whole family that I was going to fight. You would have thought I won the lotto or something with how excited I was. When King first asked me to fight on that Sunday, I barely cared. I’ve lost my drive, my fire, my something, dunno what, but I’ve lost it. It shows in everything I do.
I was long boarding to work one morning and I saw this big hole in the sidewalk, and I watched it. I watched as it came closer, I watched as it swallowed up my front trucks, and I watched as the concrete flew at my face because I didn't feel like doing anything. I fell like a fucking tree. My feet stopped, my body flew forward, and I landed hard on my shoulder. No role, no slap, I fell like a 90 year old man, like a fucking tree. I’ve never done that in my entire life. Never. I’ve run into that shit before, my board has stopped on me like that, but I always hop off, or rolled, or something, ANYTHING! But I just fell. I watched it happen too, it wasn't a surprise. I watched it happen as if it was someone else. And I didn't get mad, I just felt pathetic.
I don't get mad much lately, I’m not trying to sound like a whiny emo bitch or nothing, but I don't feel much of anything lately. It’s like I’m watching my life, but not really living it. And I’m not sure what to do about any of it. I still haven’t drawn, I haven’t touched the garage, I haven’t gone back to boxing for a week now and as I write this I’m debating weather or not ill be there today. This all just kinda sucks. I need something, I’m not sure what, but I need something that can get me outta this.
Moving out might help, but that's another thing that kinda sucks. I really want to move out, I need to get out of this house, but I cant. I’m in this really shitty middle period. I can’t move out with you guys cause I’m leaving in 7 months, but I don't know if I can survive another 7 months in this house. I feel really fucking stuck sometimes. And I can’t bring myself to leave early because I want to spend the next 7 months with Olivia and all of you.
I re-read this and I want to point out that I’m not quite as mopey as this makes me sound, and I certainly don't think I’m depressed or anything. Honestly just writing this, just addressing this openly like this has helped. Hanging with Olivia and you guys helps too. But this is how I feel more often than not lately.
Got a job, I work at The Japan Woodworker (Japanwoodworker.com) that’s going pretty good. Olivia moved out. We’re still together, but she moved back in with her mother for two big reasons. 1, my house was getting too crowded, nick’s GF moved in, and my room was starting to feel real small. It was having a really negative affect on her and our relationship, so she moved back in with her mom and things are looking up again. Also I think it will help her deal with me leaving. I don't think a sudden clean break would have been too good for her, this should make my leaving a little easier on her.
Well, there’s my life in two pages.
On a lighter note, I think we should write about our future plans too. Most of us are writing about what’s current, but I’m also interested in hearing what everyone’s plans are for the future. Plans for the next year or two, plans for the next ten years, whatever. Reading Alyssa and Ropers posts got me thinking about my future, and I was going to talk about it in this post, but I feel like this post got a little long, so I’ll split them up. But I’d like to hear everyone else’s plans/hopes/dreams for the future too.
I’m in a bad funk right now; don't know a better way to describe it than that. Things were going really good for a while; I was having my own little creative renaissance. I was making good headway on my comic, I got BJ to go over the writing with me, which was great, he really helped me fine-tune and clear up the things I was trying to say/portray. I was making great headway on the knife and axe I have been making too. The knife’s almost done, I have to do some finale sanding, heat treat it and assemble it, but I’ve never been this close to finishing one of my projects before. I even have the oil and a metal tank to heat treat it in, that's the #1 thing that's held me back in the past. The axe isn’t that far behind either. Everything was going great. And then it all disappeared.
I haven’t been in the garage for over a month, I haven’t even looked at me knife/axe, let alone worked on them. I haven’t drawn for about the same amount of time either. I’ve done a few pictures of use, but the drive is gone, I was forcing myself to do them mostly because I was bored. It’s fucked with my boxing too. I was supposed to have a fight on the 16th(a Sunday), so I was training for it. Finally got back into sparing, but I’ve just been getting my ass kicked. I’ve always been a sucker for punches, but this is something entirely different. It’s like my body from the waist down ways 200 pounds. I stand there and I watch the punch come hit me in the face. I have enough time to think to myself “move”, but I don't. And if my lower body isn’t working, neither are my punches. I’ve been TOLD (I’m still not sure if I believe it or not, cause its never done me any good) that I have strong punches, and they are strong because I punch with my whole body, my legs being the spring that drives it all, if they aren’t working, neither are my punches, I feel like a 5 year old girl could hit harder than me. And then I got hurt. I was sparing this guy, who was lighter than me, and he threw a left hook, it landed behind my right ear and wrenched my neck, the muscle on the left side of my neck started screaming, and I was done. I had to stop sparring. I put on a brave face so Mr. King wouldn't take me outta the fight on Sunday, but it hurt, I knew I pulled it, and I kinda thought it tore a little.
That was a huge blow to me. I’ve been winded, I’ve been knocked down/out (that karate tournament, I might have been knocked out) but I’ve never been hurt like that. Aside from my punch strength the only thing I’ve really been proud of is my toughness. So much for that. I wasn't ready for the fight, but I figured that if I did it, and I got my ass kicked, maybe something inside of me would wake back up, so I kept pushing towards it. The Friday before the fight, King (my coach) came and said the fight was off, that they couldn't find a match up for me. That was a little bit of a let down, all that work for nothing, but a part of me thought “lucky you”. It was just this really sickening and cowardly feeling that I...the way I felt after being told I didn't have to fight, made me feel really pathetic.
Earlier this year I thought I was going to fight in the golden gloves, when the prospect came around I was so fucking excited, I told my whole family that I was going to fight. You would have thought I won the lotto or something with how excited I was. When King first asked me to fight on that Sunday, I barely cared. I’ve lost my drive, my fire, my something, dunno what, but I’ve lost it. It shows in everything I do.
I was long boarding to work one morning and I saw this big hole in the sidewalk, and I watched it. I watched as it came closer, I watched as it swallowed up my front trucks, and I watched as the concrete flew at my face because I didn't feel like doing anything. I fell like a fucking tree. My feet stopped, my body flew forward, and I landed hard on my shoulder. No role, no slap, I fell like a 90 year old man, like a fucking tree. I’ve never done that in my entire life. Never. I’ve run into that shit before, my board has stopped on me like that, but I always hop off, or rolled, or something, ANYTHING! But I just fell. I watched it happen too, it wasn't a surprise. I watched it happen as if it was someone else. And I didn't get mad, I just felt pathetic.
I don't get mad much lately, I’m not trying to sound like a whiny emo bitch or nothing, but I don't feel much of anything lately. It’s like I’m watching my life, but not really living it. And I’m not sure what to do about any of it. I still haven’t drawn, I haven’t touched the garage, I haven’t gone back to boxing for a week now and as I write this I’m debating weather or not ill be there today. This all just kinda sucks. I need something, I’m not sure what, but I need something that can get me outta this.
Moving out might help, but that's another thing that kinda sucks. I really want to move out, I need to get out of this house, but I cant. I’m in this really shitty middle period. I can’t move out with you guys cause I’m leaving in 7 months, but I don't know if I can survive another 7 months in this house. I feel really fucking stuck sometimes. And I can’t bring myself to leave early because I want to spend the next 7 months with Olivia and all of you.
I re-read this and I want to point out that I’m not quite as mopey as this makes me sound, and I certainly don't think I’m depressed or anything. Honestly just writing this, just addressing this openly like this has helped. Hanging with Olivia and you guys helps too. But this is how I feel more often than not lately.
Got a job, I work at The Japan Woodworker (Japanwoodworker.com) that’s going pretty good. Olivia moved out. We’re still together, but she moved back in with her mother for two big reasons. 1, my house was getting too crowded, nick’s GF moved in, and my room was starting to feel real small. It was having a really negative affect on her and our relationship, so she moved back in with her mom and things are looking up again. Also I think it will help her deal with me leaving. I don't think a sudden clean break would have been too good for her, this should make my leaving a little easier on her.
Well, there’s my life in two pages.
On a lighter note, I think we should write about our future plans too. Most of us are writing about what’s current, but I’m also interested in hearing what everyone’s plans are for the future. Plans for the next year or two, plans for the next ten years, whatever. Reading Alyssa and Ropers posts got me thinking about my future, and I was going to talk about it in this post, but I feel like this post got a little long, so I’ll split them up. But I’d like to hear everyone else’s plans/hopes/dreams for the future too.
Comments
Change is a scary thing. As much as I've been working towards being able to move out when this new round comes, there's still a part of me that doesn't want to leave. Packing up 95% of my shit and getting rid of it was a cathartic experience. But I still have a piddly 5% laying around that I've been reluctant to work on, and for no good reason. I'll be honest, if I don't move out with you guys this time, I don't know what I'll do. It's personal necessity that drives all the money saving, restructuring of spending, and dumping of things I don't need. But a part of me is always going to want to be a kid in this room. That's still true, and it's also exactly why I need to get away.
I had no idea this sort of thing was going on and to be honest I'm surprised and glad. lol Not tryin' to sound like a jerk but man, this shit just happens and it really sucks. But it's also really good that you realize it and are trying to change it. It's just a matter of...what is gonna light that fire inside you, what makes it intensify with the need to grow past it's boundaries? I think a lot of us are facing or have dealt with this issue. It's horrible but just a shitty side of life. But I think that, in life, everything shouldn't be so simple and that at times you've got to deal with painful things to become stronger and to gain more resolve. Trails and tribulations man, it's what life is all about. I think you should talk to Andrew and Lucio about this more in depth as well or really any of us for that matter.
As far as you leaving goes, I heard that you're just gonna go to Japan and try and find a job. Well, you've got 3 months and it's not a lot of time with no plan. I hope you have a plan because things are not so simple here. I'm not trying to convince you otherwise or say this is a bad idea but I think a bit of planning ahead would make the transition much easier. I understand the need for adventure and the hopeful feeling of satisfaction when you get out there but usually reality is much more bitter. I'm sure these questions will be answered in your next post but I thought I'd throw it out there.
As for being stuck i a rut, we've all been there and are probably still there, I mean this is friggin Alameda, its boring, safe and life is quite monochrome.