Future
So like I said, reading Alyssa and Ropers posts has got me thinking about my own future for the obvious reasons of how similar the situations are. There’s a lot going through my head right now, and there are a lot of options for me, so I apologize ahead of time if I get off track or am hard to follow.
I think I’ll start with the New Year, 2011.
I plan to leave for Japan on the 2nd or 3rd of January of next year. I will land in Tokyo, and spend the next 90 days going wherever I want in search of a job. I was going to work at a hotel but the program that does that doesn’t accept Americans, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, they just don’t. After thinking about it some more, I prefer it this way anyway, because for me, its not about the destination, its not about getting to that JOB, its HOW I get there. That’s all I care about. It’s the journey. So if I find a job that gives me a visa, great! I’ll work for them, save up what money I can, and live there for as long as I feel like. That could be a few months or a few years, dunno. Shouldn’t be too long though. I’m not going to Japan to do what I could do HERE, work. I’m going there to SEE Japan, all of it. So whatever job I get should be short-lived. I’m more interested in traveling Japan for 90 days without restrictions then I am in tying myself down to a single place and job. Dunno, time will tell.
I don't have any weird or crazy ideas of what I’m going to experience while I’m there. You know what I hope? The only thing I really hope is that I can find some under the table jobs here and there that will pay for my food. That way I wont have to dip into my savings. I’m well prepared to spend every night of those 90 days on the streets. But I doubt it will be that bad. So if I don’t get a job I will leave Japan after 90 days, otherwise I might be banned from ever returning. Anyway, when I leave Japan I’ll find the cheapest way to get to that giant neighboring continent. Once there, I’ll continue to travel. I’ll just make my way around. See as many different countries as possible I suppose. It doesn't really matter. I have this romantic idea of doing some survivalist stuff. Like finding my way into the Siberian wilderness and seeing how long I can survive there by myself. Dunno, maybe not. Maybe I’ll wander through some other countries for a week or two, get bored and come home, dunno. All I know is I’m going to Japan. After that I’m going to some other countries, and after that, I’m coming home. This all could take 1 year, or it could take the full 7. Dunno. I doesn't make much of a difference to me. You see I’ve realized the whole point to these 7 years that I’ve given myself isn’t to force myself to travel, its about doing whatever I want. If I want to keep traveling, I will. If I want to stay in Japan, I will. If I want to come home early, I will. Bottom line. I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want.
I actually have some very good reasons to come home though, because even though I’d be done traveling, my journey is far from over.
Once I return home I have several options open to me. The option that I’m pretty sure I will do no matter what is go to a gunsmithing school. Yes, they do exist, and I’ve already found two I’d like to go to. One in Colorado and one in Pennsylvania. They are 14 or 16 month programs that make you a gunsmith. I’m actually really excited about this. So excited in fact, that I might actually cut my travels short, go through the course and then go back to traveling (options options options). So I will become a gunsmith, which is so up my fucking alley. I love weapons, I love making weapons, and even though I wish we were still all swinging swords, I’ve finally embraced modern weapons for what they are, amazing. And think of the possibilities! I could make gun blades!! I could make a rifle sword!! A knife revolver!! The possibilities are almost endless with what I could do with expertise in both blade and gun smithing. So I’m kinda juiced about that.
I could (and might) also go back to school to get a degree in some kind of metal science. This is still up in the air because I haven’t really found a program that will give me what I’m looking for. But gaining a truly deep understanding of metal, to the point where I could hopefully discover new breakthroughs in its processing and treatment is kind of a big dream of mine right now. And definitely a useful one since I’m gonna be a fucking blade/gunsmith. Maybe that wont be a degree though, maybe ill just take a handful of classes that will give me the knowledge I need, dunno, but going back to school is pretty much a definite right now, just a matter of when, where and what.
After that I have one final option open to me, the military.
I’ve wanted to join the military for as long, if not longer, than I’ve wanted to travel the world. The only reason I’ve chosen travel over military is freedom. I’ve spent my whole life doing what others want me to do, there’s no fucking way I’m going to walk into another institution that will demand the same. But once I’ve gotten the travel bug outta my system, once I’ve gotten over my BIG ASS beef with authority, maybe ill join. And the military has its own slew of options. If there is a war to fight, ill join the marines, become an officer and fight. If its peacetime, ill look into the various special ops divisions, pick one that I like and do that. Dunno. As long as I fight it will be worth it. no point to joining if I don't see any action. I've also read that with a gunsmithing degree you can become an amorer in the military, or something like that. There wasn't too much clear-cut info on what this means, I’m also Internet handicapped, so I probably just missed it. Dunno, But at this point in time its still an option.
After that, after my seven years I’ve promised myself, I’ll try and find Olivia and see where she’s at. And weather we get back together or not, I’ll start to settle down and establish my business of making weapons of death. So that's kinda what I’m looking at right now. Of course everything could change. What I’ve listed isn’t really a plan, its just options, things that appeal to me right now.
Now to address some other things.
BJ (and all you other naysayers), why did you tell Doug “The problem with having your journey and coming back is that on some level, it's impossible. You won't come back as the same person, and you won't come back to the same person.” I’m really getting sick of hearing this, cause its retarded. That doesn't even make sense to me. Do any of you seriously think I’m going to pull a 180 personality wise in 7 years? Do any of you think Doug will pull a 180 in 4? I am not going to be an entirely different person when I come back from my 7-year journey. Unless some extreme, fuck you up mentally, shit happens I will come back and I will be me. I will be an older and better me (hopefully), but I will be me. The only people who change over extended periods of time are people who never knew who they were. I know exactly who I am, I’ve known for years. I know exactly what I’ve wanted from my life, I am an older version of everything I loved and wanted when I was a child. Over the years I’ve become more comfortable with ME, a more refined (not fancy refined, pure refined) ME, but I’m ME, I’m not changing, I’m not pulling any 180’s, none of use are. That's how we as a group are. we are who we are, time will make us better (cause were not fuckups) and different in little ways, but it wont change us. That said, why is it so hard to believe that a pair of people can pick up a relationship after 4 or 7 years? Why is it so hard to believe that me and Olivia can get back together? Or Doug and Felicia? If I can come back after 7 years and pick up my relationship with all of you, why is it soooooo fucking unbelievable that I can do it with her? They are both relationships. In my mind they are identical except for the element of sex. Olivia is my best friend, right there with all of you, so why cant I pick up my relationship with her like I will with all of you? And in some cases it may be less likely, but let me tell you why I believe so strongly that me and here will get back together. Not a single part of me wants another relationship. I’ve spent the last 5 years in a relationship; I will not do it again for a very very long time. On top of that, I wont be in any positions that will foster a relationship, ever (neither will Doug I bet). Olivia will be no better. Do any of you have any idea how much work it takes to become a doctor? She barely has time for me right now because of school, how the fuck is she going to deal with a young, budding, attention hungry relationship? And do you know what happens after med school? Residency. Do you know what that is called? The relationship killer. Residency has a 95% divorce rate for married couples. 95%! How the fuck is she gonna keep a relationship? And listen to this; she’s done with all that when I’m done with my 7 years. There is ONLY a 5% chance of her being taken, and then all i gotta do is kill the guy. And so what if she taken? Ill be single when I return no matter what. We could be complete splits Ville when I leave, and I still wouldn't enter a serious relationship during those 7 years. I have nothing to loose by trying, and neither does Doug. And though I don't know much about Felicia, how the hell will she find someone to replace Doug? He’s the ultimate. All he’ll have to do is show up, she’ll look at the fucktard she’s with, instantly realize her mistake, and fly into Doug’s arms. And what do either of us have to loose if we believe that? (Dunno if Doug believes that, but whatever) Nothing! There’s no downside to seeing where she’s at in 4 years. I can see how my case is a little different, how it might be a little bit of an exception, because of me and Olivia’s extreme situations, but Doug and Felicia are both just as motivated and carrier driven, i don't see how being single for 4 years is a big stretch for them. I think it doesn't happen because people have been told and made to believe that it can’t work. It can, it's a 50/50 chance. They are single, or they aren’t. You’ve already been in a relationship with them, what harm is there in trying to pick it up again? Unless they’ve pulled a 180, why wouldn't it work?
In case you haven’t noticed, I hear that a lot, and BJ’s comment to Doug kinda triggered a little pent up frustration I’ve had on the subject.
BJ: I have no anxiety towards heading to Japan. Believe it or not, it’s WAAAAAAAYYYYYY too early for that. I might feel a little anxiety 2 weeks before or something, but not now. If anything, going to Japan has motivated me to do all these things that I’ve wanted to do. Drawing, blacksmithing, etc. It’s motivation to finish those projects before I go. I’m positive now that this rut is from my stuck feeling. Like a ship without a wind. I’ve got some of my wind back though; I drew a little the other day.
Weeeeellllll, I think that's everything. Good thing I split my posts up huh?
I think I’ll start with the New Year, 2011.
I plan to leave for Japan on the 2nd or 3rd of January of next year. I will land in Tokyo, and spend the next 90 days going wherever I want in search of a job. I was going to work at a hotel but the program that does that doesn’t accept Americans, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, they just don’t. After thinking about it some more, I prefer it this way anyway, because for me, its not about the destination, its not about getting to that JOB, its HOW I get there. That’s all I care about. It’s the journey. So if I find a job that gives me a visa, great! I’ll work for them, save up what money I can, and live there for as long as I feel like. That could be a few months or a few years, dunno. Shouldn’t be too long though. I’m not going to Japan to do what I could do HERE, work. I’m going there to SEE Japan, all of it. So whatever job I get should be short-lived. I’m more interested in traveling Japan for 90 days without restrictions then I am in tying myself down to a single place and job. Dunno, time will tell.
I don't have any weird or crazy ideas of what I’m going to experience while I’m there. You know what I hope? The only thing I really hope is that I can find some under the table jobs here and there that will pay for my food. That way I wont have to dip into my savings. I’m well prepared to spend every night of those 90 days on the streets. But I doubt it will be that bad. So if I don’t get a job I will leave Japan after 90 days, otherwise I might be banned from ever returning. Anyway, when I leave Japan I’ll find the cheapest way to get to that giant neighboring continent. Once there, I’ll continue to travel. I’ll just make my way around. See as many different countries as possible I suppose. It doesn't really matter. I have this romantic idea of doing some survivalist stuff. Like finding my way into the Siberian wilderness and seeing how long I can survive there by myself. Dunno, maybe not. Maybe I’ll wander through some other countries for a week or two, get bored and come home, dunno. All I know is I’m going to Japan. After that I’m going to some other countries, and after that, I’m coming home. This all could take 1 year, or it could take the full 7. Dunno. I doesn't make much of a difference to me. You see I’ve realized the whole point to these 7 years that I’ve given myself isn’t to force myself to travel, its about doing whatever I want. If I want to keep traveling, I will. If I want to stay in Japan, I will. If I want to come home early, I will. Bottom line. I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want.
I actually have some very good reasons to come home though, because even though I’d be done traveling, my journey is far from over.
Once I return home I have several options open to me. The option that I’m pretty sure I will do no matter what is go to a gunsmithing school. Yes, they do exist, and I’ve already found two I’d like to go to. One in Colorado and one in Pennsylvania. They are 14 or 16 month programs that make you a gunsmith. I’m actually really excited about this. So excited in fact, that I might actually cut my travels short, go through the course and then go back to traveling (options options options). So I will become a gunsmith, which is so up my fucking alley. I love weapons, I love making weapons, and even though I wish we were still all swinging swords, I’ve finally embraced modern weapons for what they are, amazing. And think of the possibilities! I could make gun blades!! I could make a rifle sword!! A knife revolver!! The possibilities are almost endless with what I could do with expertise in both blade and gun smithing. So I’m kinda juiced about that.
I could (and might) also go back to school to get a degree in some kind of metal science. This is still up in the air because I haven’t really found a program that will give me what I’m looking for. But gaining a truly deep understanding of metal, to the point where I could hopefully discover new breakthroughs in its processing and treatment is kind of a big dream of mine right now. And definitely a useful one since I’m gonna be a fucking blade/gunsmith. Maybe that wont be a degree though, maybe ill just take a handful of classes that will give me the knowledge I need, dunno, but going back to school is pretty much a definite right now, just a matter of when, where and what.
After that I have one final option open to me, the military.
I’ve wanted to join the military for as long, if not longer, than I’ve wanted to travel the world. The only reason I’ve chosen travel over military is freedom. I’ve spent my whole life doing what others want me to do, there’s no fucking way I’m going to walk into another institution that will demand the same. But once I’ve gotten the travel bug outta my system, once I’ve gotten over my BIG ASS beef with authority, maybe ill join. And the military has its own slew of options. If there is a war to fight, ill join the marines, become an officer and fight. If its peacetime, ill look into the various special ops divisions, pick one that I like and do that. Dunno. As long as I fight it will be worth it. no point to joining if I don't see any action. I've also read that with a gunsmithing degree you can become an amorer in the military, or something like that. There wasn't too much clear-cut info on what this means, I’m also Internet handicapped, so I probably just missed it. Dunno, But at this point in time its still an option.
After that, after my seven years I’ve promised myself, I’ll try and find Olivia and see where she’s at. And weather we get back together or not, I’ll start to settle down and establish my business of making weapons of death. So that's kinda what I’m looking at right now. Of course everything could change. What I’ve listed isn’t really a plan, its just options, things that appeal to me right now.
Now to address some other things.
BJ (and all you other naysayers), why did you tell Doug “The problem with having your journey and coming back is that on some level, it's impossible. You won't come back as the same person, and you won't come back to the same person.” I’m really getting sick of hearing this, cause its retarded. That doesn't even make sense to me. Do any of you seriously think I’m going to pull a 180 personality wise in 7 years? Do any of you think Doug will pull a 180 in 4? I am not going to be an entirely different person when I come back from my 7-year journey. Unless some extreme, fuck you up mentally, shit happens I will come back and I will be me. I will be an older and better me (hopefully), but I will be me. The only people who change over extended periods of time are people who never knew who they were. I know exactly who I am, I’ve known for years. I know exactly what I’ve wanted from my life, I am an older version of everything I loved and wanted when I was a child. Over the years I’ve become more comfortable with ME, a more refined (not fancy refined, pure refined) ME, but I’m ME, I’m not changing, I’m not pulling any 180’s, none of use are. That's how we as a group are. we are who we are, time will make us better (cause were not fuckups) and different in little ways, but it wont change us. That said, why is it so hard to believe that a pair of people can pick up a relationship after 4 or 7 years? Why is it so hard to believe that me and Olivia can get back together? Or Doug and Felicia? If I can come back after 7 years and pick up my relationship with all of you, why is it soooooo fucking unbelievable that I can do it with her? They are both relationships. In my mind they are identical except for the element of sex. Olivia is my best friend, right there with all of you, so why cant I pick up my relationship with her like I will with all of you? And in some cases it may be less likely, but let me tell you why I believe so strongly that me and here will get back together. Not a single part of me wants another relationship. I’ve spent the last 5 years in a relationship; I will not do it again for a very very long time. On top of that, I wont be in any positions that will foster a relationship, ever (neither will Doug I bet). Olivia will be no better. Do any of you have any idea how much work it takes to become a doctor? She barely has time for me right now because of school, how the fuck is she going to deal with a young, budding, attention hungry relationship? And do you know what happens after med school? Residency. Do you know what that is called? The relationship killer. Residency has a 95% divorce rate for married couples. 95%! How the fuck is she gonna keep a relationship? And listen to this; she’s done with all that when I’m done with my 7 years. There is ONLY a 5% chance of her being taken, and then all i gotta do is kill the guy. And so what if she taken? Ill be single when I return no matter what. We could be complete splits Ville when I leave, and I still wouldn't enter a serious relationship during those 7 years. I have nothing to loose by trying, and neither does Doug. And though I don't know much about Felicia, how the hell will she find someone to replace Doug? He’s the ultimate. All he’ll have to do is show up, she’ll look at the fucktard she’s with, instantly realize her mistake, and fly into Doug’s arms. And what do either of us have to loose if we believe that? (Dunno if Doug believes that, but whatever) Nothing! There’s no downside to seeing where she’s at in 4 years. I can see how my case is a little different, how it might be a little bit of an exception, because of me and Olivia’s extreme situations, but Doug and Felicia are both just as motivated and carrier driven, i don't see how being single for 4 years is a big stretch for them. I think it doesn't happen because people have been told and made to believe that it can’t work. It can, it's a 50/50 chance. They are single, or they aren’t. You’ve already been in a relationship with them, what harm is there in trying to pick it up again? Unless they’ve pulled a 180, why wouldn't it work?
In case you haven’t noticed, I hear that a lot, and BJ’s comment to Doug kinda triggered a little pent up frustration I’ve had on the subject.
BJ: I have no anxiety towards heading to Japan. Believe it or not, it’s WAAAAAAAYYYYYY too early for that. I might feel a little anxiety 2 weeks before or something, but not now. If anything, going to Japan has motivated me to do all these things that I’ve wanted to do. Drawing, blacksmithing, etc. It’s motivation to finish those projects before I go. I’m positive now that this rut is from my stuck feeling. Like a ship without a wind. I’ve got some of my wind back though; I drew a little the other day.
Weeeeellllll, I think that's everything. Good thing I split my posts up huh?
Comments
Let me explain, I've been gone for nearly a year and I can tell you that in these months I've changed. I knew I was going to change by leaving Alameda and frankly if I came back the same person I would consider it a huge failure on my part. When you leave on these kinds of adventures you SHOULDN'T come back as the same person. Anytime you challenge and take yourself out of your comfort zone, I think the goal should be to come out as a better version of yourself.
That being said, I agree in the sense that it's unlikely that you will change completely but I also have a hard time believing that. If you are gone for the full 7 years I could, from my experience, see how it could completely change you. It all really depends on the circumstances and the travels, the people you meet and all the experiences. There are things that are going to happen that are going to throw your thinking on it's head, things that will make you question your morals and beliefs. It doesn't mean in a bad way, it's just that there is a whole world out there you haven't discovered and it's naive to say it won't effect you greatly.
I hope it doesn't change who you are at the core and I don't think it will...but when you leave home things move fast and I don't think anyone will understand until they are put in the situation. I feel Doug's is different because he is going into the military and not leaving America so it's not like he is dealing with culture shock, etc.
Anyways, I hope you do change, Matt. It will help you grow up a lot and teach you things about yourself you would never know (or maybe would take much longer to find out.) Good luck.
I think it's noble and courageous to decide to stay single for the next 7 years while in another country all by yourself (true loneliness, in my experience), all for Olivia. I hope it works out. But don't beat yourself up if it doesn't. Don't blame Olivia if she finds another person and don't feel bad if you find yourself dating other people and (perhaps?) loving other people while you over there. Traveling and wandering the world, yeah that's fun, but eventually you'll yearn for some sort of stability and someone who's waiting for you at "home" (wherever or whoever that might be).
As for everyone and everything else just let it roll I mean haven't talk to some of you guys in years and fundamentally you're all the same.
Brian, im not holding out on relationships for olivia. im gonna fuck as many woman as i can, but having flings and puppy love are very very different from a real relationship. i will not do another real relationship, its too much effort. will i enjoy the first month or two of the puppy love that two people can experiance? sure, why not, but will i put in the effort to progress a relationship past that point? fuck no. and thats got nothing to do with olivia, thats just me not wanting a relationship.
an apple tree in its first year or its 100th, despite all the scars, lost branches and knarled parts, is still an apple tree. and it will be bigger, stronger and bear more fruit as time progresses. as will i. i will not change, i will grow.
As far as Olivia goes there isn't even a conversation in my mind. Most couples don't survive that kind of time and distance apart, Matt is optimistic about returning to her, they either will or won't be able to continue a partnership. My PERSONAL opinion is they won't- but who cares. I'd rather he try than not! Are we betting on the results? So why are we talking about it? That goes for you too, Matt. I'm confused why you care. Maybe only because you wrote such a huge wall of text about it. You don't need to convince anybody, just do your thing.
I'm more interested in what the hell you're going to do with yourself when you leave the country.
sleepy outside isn't very realistic in a lot of countries. Especially with your stuff you will be carrying around. Finding a place to actually sleep that won't get you sick or hurt or arrested or harassed is harder (I would bet any day of the week) than finding like, a couch, or a living room floor to bum off of someone you meet around town or do small jobs for.
Also, real advice: I would start familiarizing yourself now with websites like couchsurfing.com.
It's purpose is to let people meet other people from other countries on a sort of more one on one basis and it will set you up with practical locations of real locals to stay at their houses. You can get really far dicking around with a site like that. NOTHING is better than actually getting to know other people so you have someone to look out for you and know who you are and to touch base with. A phone number to call in case something happens, a place to stay, a person to befriend that will get you in touch with other people they know hooking you up with more jobs or whatever it is you want. It's amazing what people can do for you just by spreading the good word.