Exactly Where I'm At♪
Hello Bleacher Boys
I'm listening to Ween for the first time in over 8 months...When I came to Japan it was pretty much impossible for me to listen to Ween without wanting to curl into a ball and cry. If there was any music that reminded me of home, that brought me back to so many amazing memories, it's Ween. I cannot even begin to list off the many songs that I have developed close emotional ties with. Thus, it probably comes as no surprise that I cannot bring myself to listen to it.
Except tonight is different.
Tonight I can't sleep. It's 3:35am, Friday May 21st, 2010.
I cannot sleep because I cannot stop thinking about all of you. BJ's post sparked my curiosity to look back at some old IC posts and I can't even begin to describe the range of feelings that rushed through me. I just felt like...
What the fuck am I doing here? By here I mean Japan. I can't believe I've been gone for so long already and I'm not home with everyone...I'm not spending my every waking moments with Andrew and Travis...not having crazy Rock Band nights with BJ and Matt, not having Doug come over just to pass out on the floor. No Lucio in the living room, no Aptos trips...no Roper and that damn monster game him and Trav played...no late nights pirating around, no long boarding....
No pirate ship, no bleachers. No nothing.
What am I doing here? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. I think Brian is the only who one is going to understand my thinking but at some point you just hit a fucking wall and you want to just throw yourself in front of a train (I guess that's why there is so much suicide in Japan...lol) I don't regret coming here, by all means I'm not wallowing in that sort of self-pity. I just feel in my heart that I shouldn't be missing this much of my friends' lives. It's so hard to be disconnected. And it's even harder to be connected even though internet makes things pretty fucking simple. But most of you don't really use Facebook and don't have Skype so I'm pretty much left to asking Andrew about all of your well being. And if you know Andrew you'll know that he never knows what the fuck is going on. So I ask Travis when I talk to him. I wish I was more involved with everyone but I can't expect much when I'm in a whole other country.
I guess I just want everyone to know how I've been these past....8-9months. I haven't kept up with my other blogs much at all but I've never felt like I could write my true private feelings there. I guess you can say, no blog has ever felt as home as this one. And I'm in the mood to pour out my feelings and I've got a sick hunch that I'm not going to be able to sleep till after I get this out.
I was honestly terrified to leave. Not because I fear Japan or that I feared the unknown. In fact, I feared the repercussions of my absence. I had absolutely no idea what would happen to my relationship with Andrew and if it would all crumble. I didn't know if the apartment would fall apart in my absence or if Andrew would die of starvation cause that idiot never eats unless I tell him too. I felt much more at ease that Lucio came back and could somewhat take up my job as caretaker. I wonder often if I'm missed, if anyone notices my absence or has everyone pushed me from their minds to deal with me being gone.
I say this because this is what I have done. It may not be the healthiest form of coping but it worked for a long time. When I first came to Japan I was lonely, I was sad and I felt like I didn't fit. Everyone in my program was nice but it was nothing compared to the dynamic of the Bleacher Boys. Very quickly things between Andrew and I got bad. Never in my life have I felt that I've been defined by my relationships but suddenly every time I was meeting someone new, the 2nd thing they seemed to about me was that I had a boyfriend and that it somehow placed me in a different category as other people. Like, fucking literally, "This is Alyssa...she's from California...Oh, but she has a boyfriend." WTF is that? It made me angry, I didn't like the fact that these people, both the people from California and the Japanese, were using this as a main way to define me a person. It created a bit of a resentment towards Andrew I have to admit. As well, whenever him and I communicated it was never really good. It was fucking heart-breaking and I always ended each conversation feeling guilty and wrong. I was upset with myself for coming to Japan because it was ruining the seemingly perfect last 4 years I had shared with Andrew. It brought out a side of him that I don't think either of us expected and it was one of the hardest things that the two of us have had to face in our relationship. About a month and half in I told Andrew we should go on a break. I feared if things stayed as they were that it would lead us to hating each other and that was the last thing I wanted. That didn't last long, Andrew pretty much gave me an ultimatum of either staying together or having absolutely no communication at all. Obviously I didn't have it in me to just break up with him and since that point you'd expect that it would have re-bounded and we would be good. But it wasn't, it took many more months of torture and tears and fighting for us to reach the point that we are at now. Even when he came to Japan things were not well and for a long time I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
My method of coping with our constant issues was to cut him out of my mind. And it is so easy...I'm in Japan, nothing reminds me of him here. It was so easy for me to focus on my life here, my studies, my new friends and my club. For months it seemed liked our communication was limited and when we did speak it was never good. So I continued my life without him and if I regret anything it is this. I started doubting how I felt about Andrew...I wondered if what we had was meant to surpass this hurdle or if I was better off without him. I wondered if I was in love with him anymore. My way of pushing him out my head to get by turned into me pushing him out of my heart. If I knew what I was doing I would have stopped but it's not exactly a conscious decision, it just happened. I don't think it finally clicked until I came back to America...when I was back in my comfort zone and in the place where I associate myself and my friends with. I realized quickly that something was not right and it wasn't anyone else but me. And my heart. I had pushed myself so far out that I felt there was no way of getting back. But in those short 14 days I felt myself coming back and seamlessly integrate into the life that I left behind. It seemed like I had never been gone and that I was home the whole time. It's kind of heartbreaking to think about, because being gone and living abroad has opened my eyes and given me so much more appreciation for what I have at home. Nothing in Japan can fill the hole I have in my soul, the hole I have from not seeing my best friends and my lover. I've never felt so at home as when I'm around everyone and we're all basking in the intense chemistry we seem to create when we are together. I miss it so much. As things stand now, Andrew and I are in a much better place than we have been the last 9 months so I hope things don't suddenly fall apart in the next 2 months. That would suck. Many times I feel like I should apologize for all the pain I've put Andrew through but if I had to make an honest decision...if I would do this again or not...I wouldn't change it. There is nothing in this world that can help you learn more about yourself (especially in regards to being in a relationship) than this. I know we needed this, we've spent basically the last 4 years with each other and to have it all taken away, to see if we'd drown or find our strength and survive...this we needed to know. I am truly sorry for the pain I put him through but I hope that through this he has learned to become more his own person. I think the worst thing that can happen in a relationship is losing yourself...and I feel it's so easy to do. I think I lost myself and throwing myself into this experience has helped me re-evaluate every aspect of my life.
Like I mentioned before I often wonder how everyone is and I wish I knew what was going on in everyone's life. I hope no one thinks I'm too busy for them cause I feel like I am online all the fucking time and I waste too many hours on Skype. Why don't you fuckers use Skype more? I know Lucio has it but never uses it and a certain someone else is always sexy Skyping with a certain Japanese girlfriend...soo...
Talk to me. =)
I'm worried about you guys. Not that you're lives are bad but I just worry, it's in my nature. I am truly my mother's child in this way because that woman worries about shit that would never happen in a million years. I just want to know you guys are doing okay or hear that you aren't...cause I want to be there even though I'm not.
It's hard being gone. So many people here (the other Americans) are so liberated here, they tell me how much better they feel here and I realize the differences. A lot of them never felt like they fit in America, that they didn't have their own niche, a group to call their own, etc. When you come here you start over...you can be whoever you want to be and make all the friends you want. A lot of the students love it because there isn't much tying them back at home and they were never able to be the "person" they wanted to be. My reasons for coming here was not to start a new life and for that reason I can leave Japan happily and easily. I feel like I have a lot waiting for me back home and that in itself is a really amazing feeling. I tell Andrew often,
"I miss my life."
I'd also be lying if I said that Japan has been all shitty. Of course it hasn't, it's been a fucking adventure. Sometimes I feel like I never want it to end...and then reality hits like a ton of bricks and I just want to get the fuck out ASAP. There are good times, there are great times. I'd really like to talk about the people I've met, the one's that have kept me sane and who've I've come to truly care about. But I think I'll save that for another post.
It's now 4:47am. Oh. I have to walk 125kilometers (about 80 miles) this weekend...dressed as Sailor Mars. It's an event for my school and I'll be walking with my club members. I'm out of my fucking mind but there is no other time in my life I would ever do this again. So, I'll let you know how that goes.
Goodnight all, I♥ you.
p.s. I wish my writing was as eloquent as BJ and Lucio. **dramatic sigh
Oh well, I curse too much for that. :3
I'm listening to Ween for the first time in over 8 months...When I came to Japan it was pretty much impossible for me to listen to Ween without wanting to curl into a ball and cry. If there was any music that reminded me of home, that brought me back to so many amazing memories, it's Ween. I cannot even begin to list off the many songs that I have developed close emotional ties with. Thus, it probably comes as no surprise that I cannot bring myself to listen to it.
Except tonight is different.
Tonight I can't sleep. It's 3:35am, Friday May 21st, 2010.
I cannot sleep because I cannot stop thinking about all of you. BJ's post sparked my curiosity to look back at some old IC posts and I can't even begin to describe the range of feelings that rushed through me. I just felt like...
What the fuck am I doing here? By here I mean Japan. I can't believe I've been gone for so long already and I'm not home with everyone...I'm not spending my every waking moments with Andrew and Travis...not having crazy Rock Band nights with BJ and Matt, not having Doug come over just to pass out on the floor. No Lucio in the living room, no Aptos trips...no Roper and that damn monster game him and Trav played...no late nights pirating around, no long boarding....
No pirate ship, no bleachers. No nothing.
What am I doing here? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. I think Brian is the only who one is going to understand my thinking but at some point you just hit a fucking wall and you want to just throw yourself in front of a train (I guess that's why there is so much suicide in Japan...lol) I don't regret coming here, by all means I'm not wallowing in that sort of self-pity. I just feel in my heart that I shouldn't be missing this much of my friends' lives. It's so hard to be disconnected. And it's even harder to be connected even though internet makes things pretty fucking simple. But most of you don't really use Facebook and don't have Skype so I'm pretty much left to asking Andrew about all of your well being. And if you know Andrew you'll know that he never knows what the fuck is going on. So I ask Travis when I talk to him. I wish I was more involved with everyone but I can't expect much when I'm in a whole other country.
I guess I just want everyone to know how I've been these past....8-9months. I haven't kept up with my other blogs much at all but I've never felt like I could write my true private feelings there. I guess you can say, no blog has ever felt as home as this one. And I'm in the mood to pour out my feelings and I've got a sick hunch that I'm not going to be able to sleep till after I get this out.
I was honestly terrified to leave. Not because I fear Japan or that I feared the unknown. In fact, I feared the repercussions of my absence. I had absolutely no idea what would happen to my relationship with Andrew and if it would all crumble. I didn't know if the apartment would fall apart in my absence or if Andrew would die of starvation cause that idiot never eats unless I tell him too. I felt much more at ease that Lucio came back and could somewhat take up my job as caretaker. I wonder often if I'm missed, if anyone notices my absence or has everyone pushed me from their minds to deal with me being gone.
I say this because this is what I have done. It may not be the healthiest form of coping but it worked for a long time. When I first came to Japan I was lonely, I was sad and I felt like I didn't fit. Everyone in my program was nice but it was nothing compared to the dynamic of the Bleacher Boys. Very quickly things between Andrew and I got bad. Never in my life have I felt that I've been defined by my relationships but suddenly every time I was meeting someone new, the 2nd thing they seemed to about me was that I had a boyfriend and that it somehow placed me in a different category as other people. Like, fucking literally, "This is Alyssa...she's from California...Oh, but she has a boyfriend." WTF is that? It made me angry, I didn't like the fact that these people, both the people from California and the Japanese, were using this as a main way to define me a person. It created a bit of a resentment towards Andrew I have to admit. As well, whenever him and I communicated it was never really good. It was fucking heart-breaking and I always ended each conversation feeling guilty and wrong. I was upset with myself for coming to Japan because it was ruining the seemingly perfect last 4 years I had shared with Andrew. It brought out a side of him that I don't think either of us expected and it was one of the hardest things that the two of us have had to face in our relationship. About a month and half in I told Andrew we should go on a break. I feared if things stayed as they were that it would lead us to hating each other and that was the last thing I wanted. That didn't last long, Andrew pretty much gave me an ultimatum of either staying together or having absolutely no communication at all. Obviously I didn't have it in me to just break up with him and since that point you'd expect that it would have re-bounded and we would be good. But it wasn't, it took many more months of torture and tears and fighting for us to reach the point that we are at now. Even when he came to Japan things were not well and for a long time I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
My method of coping with our constant issues was to cut him out of my mind. And it is so easy...I'm in Japan, nothing reminds me of him here. It was so easy for me to focus on my life here, my studies, my new friends and my club. For months it seemed liked our communication was limited and when we did speak it was never good. So I continued my life without him and if I regret anything it is this. I started doubting how I felt about Andrew...I wondered if what we had was meant to surpass this hurdle or if I was better off without him. I wondered if I was in love with him anymore. My way of pushing him out my head to get by turned into me pushing him out of my heart. If I knew what I was doing I would have stopped but it's not exactly a conscious decision, it just happened. I don't think it finally clicked until I came back to America...when I was back in my comfort zone and in the place where I associate myself and my friends with. I realized quickly that something was not right and it wasn't anyone else but me. And my heart. I had pushed myself so far out that I felt there was no way of getting back. But in those short 14 days I felt myself coming back and seamlessly integrate into the life that I left behind. It seemed like I had never been gone and that I was home the whole time. It's kind of heartbreaking to think about, because being gone and living abroad has opened my eyes and given me so much more appreciation for what I have at home. Nothing in Japan can fill the hole I have in my soul, the hole I have from not seeing my best friends and my lover. I've never felt so at home as when I'm around everyone and we're all basking in the intense chemistry we seem to create when we are together. I miss it so much. As things stand now, Andrew and I are in a much better place than we have been the last 9 months so I hope things don't suddenly fall apart in the next 2 months. That would suck. Many times I feel like I should apologize for all the pain I've put Andrew through but if I had to make an honest decision...if I would do this again or not...I wouldn't change it. There is nothing in this world that can help you learn more about yourself (especially in regards to being in a relationship) than this. I know we needed this, we've spent basically the last 4 years with each other and to have it all taken away, to see if we'd drown or find our strength and survive...this we needed to know. I am truly sorry for the pain I put him through but I hope that through this he has learned to become more his own person. I think the worst thing that can happen in a relationship is losing yourself...and I feel it's so easy to do. I think I lost myself and throwing myself into this experience has helped me re-evaluate every aspect of my life.
Like I mentioned before I often wonder how everyone is and I wish I knew what was going on in everyone's life. I hope no one thinks I'm too busy for them cause I feel like I am online all the fucking time and I waste too many hours on Skype. Why don't you fuckers use Skype more? I know Lucio has it but never uses it and a certain someone else is always sexy Skyping with a certain Japanese girlfriend...soo...
Talk to me. =)
I'm worried about you guys. Not that you're lives are bad but I just worry, it's in my nature. I am truly my mother's child in this way because that woman worries about shit that would never happen in a million years. I just want to know you guys are doing okay or hear that you aren't...cause I want to be there even though I'm not.
It's hard being gone. So many people here (the other Americans) are so liberated here, they tell me how much better they feel here and I realize the differences. A lot of them never felt like they fit in America, that they didn't have their own niche, a group to call their own, etc. When you come here you start over...you can be whoever you want to be and make all the friends you want. A lot of the students love it because there isn't much tying them back at home and they were never able to be the "person" they wanted to be. My reasons for coming here was not to start a new life and for that reason I can leave Japan happily and easily. I feel like I have a lot waiting for me back home and that in itself is a really amazing feeling. I tell Andrew often,
"I miss my life."
I'd also be lying if I said that Japan has been all shitty. Of course it hasn't, it's been a fucking adventure. Sometimes I feel like I never want it to end...and then reality hits like a ton of bricks and I just want to get the fuck out ASAP. There are good times, there are great times. I'd really like to talk about the people I've met, the one's that have kept me sane and who've I've come to truly care about. But I think I'll save that for another post.
It's now 4:47am. Oh. I have to walk 125kilometers (about 80 miles) this weekend...dressed as Sailor Mars. It's an event for my school and I'll be walking with my club members. I'm out of my fucking mind but there is no other time in my life I would ever do this again. So, I'll let you know how that goes.
Goodnight all, I♥ you.
p.s. I wish my writing was as eloquent as BJ and Lucio. **dramatic sigh
Oh well, I curse too much for that. :3
Comments
With regards to everything you've written (minus the relationship issues with Andrew), I've definitely been where you are. Brian left for college, but to the best of my knowledge, I was the first person to knowingly and willingly remove himself from the Bleacher Boys when I moved to Aptos. I remember feeling like it was something I had to do and, years later, I can honestly say I would do it the same way all over again.
But it sucked a lot, in many of the same ways. Soon after I left, you guys got this apartment and were suddenly together all the time. When I would visit, or even go on Facebook, I was always aware of the fun and amazing times I was missing out on. When I was gone, I often felt like I was barely missed; like you guys were enjoying yourselves so much that my presence or lack thereof didn't really make a big difference. When the time finally came to either stay in Aptos or come back, I remember that it felt like a hard decision, but in retrospect, I can't see how I ever could have decided to stay.
You should know that you never have to worry about somehow falling out. It's a lesson I learned a long time ago, given how Drew and I grew up staying in contact: true friends can come in and out of each others lives quite naturally. We're always thinking about you, even when we can't talk, and when you come back, we'll pick up right where we left off.
As for how I'm going, well, my grandfather died, as you know, and that's been really hard and (oddly) really beautiful at the same time. He was ready to go and went perfectly. Mostly, though, I feel numb, and it hasn't helped that as soon as he died, I started to get sick. I've basically been in an altered state for the last six weeks or so and I'm beginning to grow anxious. To that end, I'm beginning to reel myself back in so that I can begin focusing on personal creative projects and spending time with family friends. Given how much will be shifting for all of us come fall, I'm probably not going to go back to school until spring 2011. I really want to devote some time to doing things I want to do and have been putting off. It's particularly important to me because it's something my grandfather sort of encouraged me to do before he died (he encouraged me to practice listening to my gut, and right now, my gut says I won't be ready to go back to school in the fall with so much potentially going on).
Things are going great with Kim. She's been so incredibly supportive and loving through everything and I'm sort of in awe of how far we've come in such a short time. We have such a healthy and emotionally open relationship that feels almost too good to be true. Which I'm going to hope it isn't. My initial impression of her was way off, and I think the most pleasing surprise was finding out that her sense of humor can be just as sick as ours. Also, I'm not a virgin anymore, and yes, I did say, "It's clobbering time," but I'm afraid I forgot to say, "Shazam!"
Those are sort of the basics of what's been happening lately. I'll be forcing myself to use the site and Facebook more often, but as for Skype, I suck at the timing, so if you want to schedule times we can talk, I'm totally down.
Oh, and don't worry about your writing. I wish I had as much ability as BJ. That fucker has us all beat.
<3 <3 <3
Hey Lucio, do you now understand how dumb it is to be the "I'm the one who's destined to be alone" guy? Now you can start to understand how different the world is through that lens of companionship.
I didn't go out looking for Kim, she just sort of fell in my lap and I decided to do my part for once.
So I guess we both win?
Lucio: its really hard remembering "Shazam!" isn't it? but your my hero for saying "It's clobbering time"
Also: Lucio, whaaaaaaa? I'm really out of the loop, time to get my ass home :(
Lucio: OMEDETOU!!! I want to hear all the dirty details. lol