Christmas Is For Cunts

Holiday Gifts Gone AWRY!

Last year, Lindsay Demma Gibson was thrilled to find a stocking and, under the tree, several carefully wrapped gifts from her husband Christmas morning.

That is, until she opened them.

Ms. Gibson, an elementary-school teacher, had been hoping for her favorite perfume, new boots or a nice purse.

Instead, her husband gave her golf gloves, a golf skirt and a golf shirt with a country-club logo on it—even though she rarely hits the links. He also presented her with a heating pad, Listerine breath strips and generic nasal strips to prevent snoring.

"I never got gifts like that before," says Ms. Gibson, who lives near Hershey, Pa. "It looked as if my husband was buying for a 70-year-old lady riddled with arthritis and face-crinkling halitosis, not me, his lovely 34-year-old bride who practices good oral hygiene."

At this point, I could already tell that this article was going to annoy the fuck out of me.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your mother was wrong: It doesn't matter one bit if you were naughty or nice all year. Chances are, at some point in your marriage or relationship, your partner is going to give you a bad gift. And although it might not be quite as traumatic as the time you asked Santa for a Nintendo set and got a Boggle game instead, it's still going to sting.

I also want to point out right now, shocking that this article was written by a woman. I never would have guessed! Great way to marginalize right away with the 'Nintendo set' reference. Get it, because young boys love their video games, and they haven't come much further than that, am I right ladies? And stop pretending you celebrate Christmas, your last name is Bernstein, you're not fooling anyone.

It's one of the holiday season's unexpected traps: Just at the time of year when we're trying hard to be on our best behavior, the wrong gift can strain our marriage bonds.

Kirk Gibson, giver of the breath-freshener and antisnoring strips, admits that he erred on the side of practical last year, but says that some of the presents were meant to make his wife laugh. "My problem is I didn't follow them up with a real gift," says Mr. Gibson, a 33-year-old organizational development consultant who has been married not quite three years.

Really? A fucking gift is going to hurt your relationship? Why, because you can't be honest? Hey honey, you sound like a fucking monster when you sleep. Have these nose strips. No, instead the problem is as a culture we have to communicate our intent through gifts instead, and even that has to be facetious. I was expecting a purse, but I got breath-freshener instead. YES. You're welcome. Now you don't have murder victim breath to be embarrassed about every time we kiss. Oh wait, that's right, it's okay to point all the fallibility of men but it's uncouth to point out how chicks suck with a joke gift.

Of course, gifts between couples can backfire in either direction. But—please don't shoot the messenger—men seem to be more clueless than women.

Women tend to care more about gifts. They shop more, and think more about them. They attach more emotion to them. And they can be more demanding and less direct. (If I ask my husband what he wants for the holidays, he will say "nothing" and mean it. If he asks me, I will say "nothing," as well. And God help him if he believes me.)

God help him for marrying you, you uncommunicative retard. I am so sick of this prevailing attitude from women. I'm not fucking Nostradamus, I'm fucking you. How about if you want something, you ask for it? And then, and I know this sounds insane, but you might actually get it! What are you going to do, show him who's boss if he doesn't get you Christmas presents? Boy, he sure picked a winner.

Making matters even worse: When it comes to bad gifts, women have the memory of elephants. Take Donna Clark Goodrich. In 1962, she asked her husband for a recording of Handel's "Messiah." Instead, he got her a parody LP of the Kennedy family by impressionist Vaughn Meader. "I've never let my husband live that Christmas down," says Ms. Goodrich, 71, a writer in Mesa, Ariz.

Haha, oh you sassy old cunt. Emasculating your husband for years because of a gift he gave you at the start of the Vietnam War! What a scamp you are.

When I began asking people about gifts they received from significant others that had gone awry, examples poured in—all of them from women. (Perhaps tellingly, many of these bad-gift stories involved former husbands.)

There were tales of men who gave their wives electric brooms, washcloths and cheese graters, cosmetic surgery, weed wackers and AC/DC box sets. One wife told of receiving a child's toy dishwasher—she had asked for a real one—and immediately bursting into tears. Another said she opened a case of Chapstick. A third recounted how she received a size 9 pair of men's tennis shoes. (She wears a women's size 6.)

All of them from women. Shocking. Perhaps tellingly, many of these bad-gift stories involved former cuckolds.

I do not understand the emotionalism of what is essentially a glorification of materialism. This holiday has nothing holy about it, it's a corporate holiday in every single way. The entire purpose of it is to remind ourselves we're American and we show our love by wasting money on the ones we love. God forbid we just spend that time with our respective families and have a good couple of days. You know why I enjoy Christmas time? Because I bullshit with friends of the family and eat a huge dinner and watch bad movies for hours on end. That's it. The next morning with presents could be completely fucking discarded, because I don't love these people for buying me Xbox games or comics or other shit I don't need, I love them because we just watched Feast and drank until 2 in the morning. No, I put this shit on one specific group: American women. Only in America do we communicate in such a retarded way, and only women can emphasize the importance of the emotional aspect and find some kind of betrayal in an inadequate gift. This is my same problem with Mother's Day magnified by a thousand, because it applies to everyone - we have set aside this bullshit day that undermines every other day in your normal life that you spend appreciating someone. Because there is a little money to be had, now it's not good enough to love you as much as I did yesterday, now I have to buy a tree, string some lights on it, buy you a gift that tells you that I listen to every nuance of what you have said in the last six months, buy some wrapping paper and learn how to wrap a gift, then put it under the tree, which I have to keep alive for the next at least two weeks so that it doesn't rot in my house. Explain that shit to me. Oh and if you buy a bad gift, it was all for nothing, and get out of my life you insensitive fuck. Are you kidding me? I have rent to pay, I have a class to pay for, I have bills. Why is THIS necessary?

Once, Cherie Jorgensen, a 32-year-old event planner in Detroit, had a boyfriend who made her a romantic Christmas dinner. He then gave her a super-absorbent hair towel and a man's bath wrap while they were cuddling in front of the tree. "Needless to say, he is no longer in the picture," she says.

Yeah, because God forbid the romantic dinner, which is a more intimate expression than any expenditure of money, be enough for you.

Angela Lopez received a mass-market poem from her husband about the meaning of the name "Angela," decorated with a gray wolf on a blue-violet background. "I felt a little panicked," says Ms. Lopez, 38, who owns two sandwich shops with her husband in San Diego. "We were starting a business together, and it made me think, 'Are we even on the same page?'"

Come on that's a classy gift! Actually, I can't fake it, that's an insane gift from an insane person. But that's kind of fun, isn't it? Guys?

You shouldn't need a gift consultant (or a marriage counselor)

Correct!

to tell you these presents are wrong.

Ugh.

They're utilitarian. Unromantic. Ugly. And, in many cases, more suitable for a man, or a cleaning woman, than the love of your life.

Says fucking who? I don't express my love by buying you a pair of boots or a coat! That's not love, that's materialism. Love is not a tennis bracelet, and if you think it is, get married to a professional athlete, who will give you the regard as a partner you deserve, which is little to none at all. You want to play the possessions game, by all means, but do NOT ask a guy to respect you for being that kind of shallow. Is it nice to get cool things? Of course it is, it goes without saying. But having the emotional equivalent to an allergic reaction towards something you don't like is completely unwarranted. I should never have to panic because I don't know how you are going to respond to this gift. This is not how you're supposed to connect with people.

In his new book, "Scroogenomics," Wharton School economist Joel Waldfogel estimates that the gifts others buy for us are worth 20% less to us than the gifts we buy for ourselves. But of all the people on our holiday lists, he says, the ones we are best at picking out gifts for are spouses and significant others. That's because, presumably, we know these people best.

Well I'm glad there's some emotional math here, completely logical. Although at some point I'm sure I would have figured out on a percentage scale how much gifts of affection are worth to me. Ugh.

Then why so many bad gifts within couples?

It's simple, really. Sometimes men aren't listening to their wives. But just as often, women aren't clear about their desires. They want men to pick up on their subtle clues, rather than telling them outright what they'd like. As one woman I know explains, "It means we are special to them if they detect what we want without us telling them."

So you agree with me? Now just acknowledge that women are stupid for it and we're gravy.

Tom Valentino, who grew up in a large Italian-American family, blames his upbringing. In his parents' house, Christmas was all about religious values—and food. Gifts were an afterthought.

Flash ahead a few decades, when Mr. Valentino, an accountant, had to pick out a holiday gift for his wife. "I started to think, well, we have three kids already, so no need for anything from Victoria's Secret," he says. "And I bought her a fancy watch last year for her birthday. How many of those does she need?"

Then he remembered his wife had said she needed a vacuum and a bigger pasta pot. Off to Macy's he went. "I could almost smell the sauce cooking with meatballs, sausage and braciole," he says. "How could a woman not be happy with these?"

He found out, because the gifts made his wife cry. "The worst part of it all were the looks the kids gave me," says Mr. Valentino, 52, who lives in Cheshire, Conn. "It's been about 15 years, and I can't tell you how many times I've been reminded of those gifts."

Tell me what's wrong in this story. Seriously. I just can't see the problem.

And there's the rub. When men receive gifts they hate, they typically shrug them off. Women, faced with the same dilemma, feel hurt.

What did it for Susan Wilson? A nightgown her husband bought a number of years ago for their anniversary and presented to her at a cozy dinner for two at their country club.

It was cotton (the scratchy kind). Extra-large (she is a size four). Wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag. And emblazoned with St. Bernards carrying snowballs in their mouths.

Ms. Wilson, 54, a business consultant in Stevensville, Mich., was speechless. "You could fit three Peyton Mannings in it," she says, adding that the thoughtlessness of the gift made her feel unappreciated. As a result, the rest of the evening did not go as her husband had planned. "He made me feel like a dog, but he went to the kennel."

I just realized I am never going to be married in my entire life, because it is impossible for women like this to love me. Was that a lame gift? Yeah, it's not impressive. But the overstatement of the effect is just astounding to me. How can I reason with someone who won't fuck me because I bought them a robe?

Her husband's rationale: His wife loves dogs. "I thought I was being creative," says Doug Wilson, 55, a corporate environmental health and safety director. "And I always think of sleepwear as something you want to be cozy and not real tight."

This is as creative as a 55 year old corporate safety director gets. You can't reasonably ask for more.

So what's a well-meaning spouse to do? Start with these gift-giving tips:

• When in doubt, go down a size.

• Never give a gift that suggests your spouse is not perfect. No unsolicited exercise equipment, self-help books, wrinkle cremes or nose-hair removers.

• Appliances and cookware are OK only if she asks for them.

• Don't even think about a gift that you will get more enjoyment out of than your spouse.

• Remember: It's not just the thought that counts—especially if you didn't have that thought until the checkout line.

• When all else fails, at least try to create memories.

That's what Ms. Gibson, the Pennsylvania teacher, is expecting this year. Recently a package arrived for her husband, who likes do his holiday shopping online. Who sent it? DrNatura, a company known for its colonics.

"Is my dear husband intending to give me a colon cleanser for Christmas this year?" says Ms. Gibson, who says she immediately started to think of all the silly jokes she would share with him, such as "Out with the old, in with the new."

"At this point, getting perfect, well-thought-out gifts seems a little boring. Bring on the bad gifts, honey."

I have a much better list of tips to follow, mostly because it's easy to remember since it's only one tip:

Don't buy your chick anything. You'll stress yourself out doing this whole retarded dance to get the right thing, and the reward for doing well is the same reward you get from any other fucking day of your life. And the punishment is that this idiot you're with doesn't feel like you love her anymore. Save your money.