The Reply

So that being said, if I have done something to hurt you, or make you upset with me, I would like to know so that I can correct it, or make things right with you. I have been hurt many times in my life by the decisions my parents made and completely understand where you are coming from and only want to make things right with you. I can't do the past over, but I will apologise for anything that I did to hurt you, and I can do my damnest to make sure that I don't repeat past mistakes in the future.

The situation is larger than just one person. It's not as simple as apologizing and being cool. The entire family is a vortex of misery and despair. You are either in it or you aren't. It doesn't matter if I forgive you for whatever has happened in the past because the situation is exactly the same, and it just opens the door for new things to apologize for later. I don't know how to put it more plainly to you: you're married to an abusive alcoholic who has indirectly or directly damaged most of the people who he's had any kind of real relationship with.

I want to love my dad and believe that he is somehow capable of pulling it all around, I really am. I wasn't born hating him and I wasn't brainwashed by my mother. It's been his actions and his lack of connection to me. In my life I've seen far too much shit from him, and throughout the years he's spent basically no time with me when I went out to visit him. The most we ever talked was in the car ride back and forth. Then I get to see him punch a wall and knock all the pictures on it down or kick a hole in something or throw his ring at you. Or hear about him punching Travis up a fucking flight of stairs like a lunatic over a car, of all things. Why would I want to have anything to do with this person. That's called abuse, plain and simple. Just because I didn't get hit doesn't mean it didn't affect me.

But that's not the only negative effect, it's not just what he's actively done wrong. He's never been a father to me, just a dad. There are things that I've had to resolve on my own about being a man because I didn't have a father around to teach me those sensibilities. There are self-confidence issues I have with women that are directly related to the fact that I didn't have a real male perspective in my life until I was almost 9. I've been entirely raised by women because my father was either incapable or disinterested in taking an active role in my life. And honestly, from the above paragraph, thank God for that, because I would end up being a fucking maniac. As it is, I'm hovering at the relatively stable level of just quietly hating most people. The best thing he could have done for me was take such a low interest in my life, but even that has harmed me in a way that has taken a shitload of intellect, patience, and trial and error to even begin to correct.

I will acknowledge that these hardships are not entirely negative in results and truthfully, I do enjoy my own life for all of its shortcomings, whatever that is worth. I have a bevy of good experiences from going there, I would be dishonest to try and frame myself as a victim who has only been hurt. I love my brothers to death. But at a certain point, your family drama is just too much for me to fucking tolerate. Every time I headed down there it was a new set of fucking horror stories, like Ronda being gang raped for a gang initiation. I shouldn't fucking have to hear that shit. Honestly, it's not me you should be apologizing to, it's your own kids. You didn't raise me, my Dad certainly didn't raise me. Apologize to Ronda, and Rebecca and Rachel, because your biggest failures are with them, not with me. Are you aware that for years, literally years, me and Rebecca had a running joke of, "God I hope Rachel never grows up," because she was the only one who didn't seem to be touched by this fucking madness. Apologize to Roman, who enlisted to get out of this shared insanity, or to Travis, who as a young man has already lead a disastrous fucking life. The horror stories this kid has lived is fucking unforgivable, and you know who failed them by allowing them to happen? You guys.

I can't be mad at you personally for my experience with my father. I can't. It's absolutely not your fault and I personally don't have any hard feelings towards you in regards to my life. I think you made a heinous relationship decision, but that's your life. However, I can be mad at you for exposing your kids to it. Because above all, you're their mother, and there is not anything that man can offer you that is worth more than their well-being. And ANY, and I do mean ANY, failing that they have, you can directly attribute to yourself because you are the woman that birthed and raised them. These situations that for you guys are so normal and commonplace should disturb you, but they don't. I am very fucking aware that raising kids is hard, especially if you're a single parent. Do you know why? Because I watched my mother do it for the past 22 years. And somehow, amazingly, she has managed to avoid completely mangling my life, and she's been in charge of 95% of it in terms of parenting. My Dad couldn't even handle five fucking percent!

I love my right arm, but if it was gangrenous, I'd take a machete to it as well. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to be my Dad's friend, either. Let alone his son. There's a term I want you to look up, it's called "scorched earth policy." And then perhaps my point of view will make sense to you. Instead of trying to fix things with me, you should take the energy you want to give to this relationship and make sure that Brandon comes out with no scars, so you guys can actually give the team a win. Just one, to get that donut off the scoreboard. Because it doesn't matter how well we all handle this thing that you've presented. It doesn't matter if I go on to lead a successful life, have a good marriage, or any of that happy horseshit. Even if we all somehow get to normal, me, Roman, Travis, Ronda, Rachel, and Rebecca, we all still had to get back to that point from a point of trauma. There will ALWAYS be shit that I can't fully connect to emotionally because of my Dad. There will ALWAYS be opportunities that I miss out on romantically, professionally, emotionally, and intellectually, because I have to wrestle with this pinch of sociopath that he helped make for me. There are times where I literally cannot feel pity or sorrow or love because the rage is too loud. There are times where I look in the mirror, and these are times of my greatest level of negativity, where I see a carbon copy of my father, physically speaking. Where I cannot distinguish myself from him. Do you know why? Because he and his choices fucking haunt me, and I am horrified at the thought that I'm going to wake up one day and be just like him.

And there is no greater sign of failure as a father than that feeling.

I would love to believe that you guys have a place in my life. I would love to believe that we can all be a big happy family. But happiness and you are completely incongruous. You are where happiness goes to die. And I won't spend another free second of my life trying to fix you, or understand you, or fucking apologize for you, or try to rationalize your behavior at the cost of my own self-esteem and well-being. I do not hold the capacity to love you as you are. And that is all I have to say to you.