But Seriously

Have you ever been told a story, and then when you actually read it yourself it's like 80 times more crazy than you were told it was? Stop me when I start sounding like a homeless person:

Hubbard wrote that seventy-five million years ago, Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as "Teegeeack".[5][11] The planets were overpopulated, with an average population of 178 billion.[1][4][6] The Galactic Confederacy's civilization was comparable to our own, with aliens "walking around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they wear this very minute" and using cars, trains and boats looking exactly the same as those "circa 1950, 1960" on Earth.[16]

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions[4][5] of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections, then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth).[5] The appearance of these spacecraft would later be subconsciously expressed in the design of the Douglas DC-8, the only difference being: "the DC8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't."[14] When they had reached Teegeeack/Earth, the paralyzed citizens were unloaded around the bases of volcanoes across the planet.[5][11] Hydrogen bombs were then lowered into the volcanoes and detonated simultaneously.[11] Only a few aliens' physical bodies survived.

The now-disembodied victims' souls, which Hubbard called thetans, were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu's forces using an "electronic ribbon" ("which also was a type of standing wave") and sucked into "vacuum zones" around the world. The hundreds of billions[5][17] of captured thetans were taken to a type of cinema, where they were forced to watch a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for thirty-six days. This implanted what Hubbard termed "various misleading data"' (collectively termed the R6 implant) into the memories of the hapless thetans, "which has to do with God, the Devil, space opera, et cetera". This included all world religions, with Hubbard specifically attributing Roman Catholicism and the image of the Crucifixion to the influence of Xenu. The two "implant stations" cited by Hubbard were said to have been located on Hawaii and Las Palmas in the Canary Islands.[18]

In addition to implanting new beliefs in the thetans, the images deprived them of their sense of personal identity. When the thetans left the projection areas, they started to cluster together in groups of a few thousand, having lost the ability to differentiate between each other. Each cluster of thetans gathered into one of the few remaining bodies that survived the explosion. These became what are known as body thetans, which are said to be still clinging to and adversely affecting everyone except those Scientologists who have performed the necessary steps to remove them.[11]

A government faction known as the Loyal Officers finally overthrew Xenu and his renegades, and locked him away in "an electronic mountain trap" from which he still has not escaped.[7][19] Although the location of Xenu is sometimes said to be the Pyrenees on Earth, this is actually the location Hubbard gave elsewhere for an ancient "Martian report station".[20][21] Teegeeack/Earth was subsequently abandoned by the Galactic Confederacy and remains a pariah "prison planet" to this day, although it has suffered repeatedly from incursions by alien "Invader Forces" since that time.

In 1988, the cost of learning these secrets from the Church of Scientology was £3,830, or US$6,500.[24][25] This is additional to the cost of the prior courses which are necessary to be eligible for OT III, which is often well over US$100,000 (roughly £60,000).

This reminds me of the time I got stood up for a date in San Francisco recently. When I got off the BART train, there was a guy in a bus driver outfit just yelling the most insane shit like it was true and we were nuts not to hear it. The funny thing was that it was a very literal version of mad libs: (Subject) (verb)ed (number) (noun), (adjective/adverb). The subject was always an elected official, the verb was always some kind of bizarre violation, and the noun was always someone who had absolutely no discernible tie to the subject. "Condoleeza Rice consumed 80 Russian immigrant children readily!" He did this, without pause, for at least twenty minutes. Thanks Wikipedia. I'm never using your search function again.