The FBI Is Run By Nigerians

Attn: Beneficiary,


I am Mr. Ron Mills, the personal secretary to the FBI Director; Robert S.Mueller III. After proper investigations, we discovered that your impending payment that have been withheld by imposters, claiming to be Professor Charles Soludo (Governor of the Central bank of Nigeria), Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr. Frank Nweke, None existing officials of the Oceanic Bank of Nigeria and Zenith Bank, UK winning Lottery, Andy Lear of Hsbc bank, Coca-Cola winning lottery and among a list of others is now under our custody with the help of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and the Local Police Force.

Funny, because this email was sent to me by Pam K Hayes. I guess the personal secretary has a personal secretary? Also, it's not nice to sell out your buddies just to try to win me over, Ndugu. And what is this shit about the lottery? Are you just trying to throw in words suggestively hoping that my mind will do a little bit of word association?


Investigations revealed that you have spent a lot on your personal earned money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds to your nominated bank account by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the imposters, costing you a lot of money but all to no avail.

So instead of trying to root out domestic terrorists, maintain national security and bring wanted felons to justice, the FBI is spending all its time worrying about whether my bank has been secretly hijacked by Nigerians? Well, at least now I know why I never have any money. I always thought it was because I was fixing my car, paying rent, paying my phone bill and car insurance, and shit like that. Apparently I do none of those things because I'm losing all my money routing it across the country BEFORE I hand it over to the mechanic. Or my mother.

The FBI had to send some financial crime investigators from our head quarters in Washington DC to Africa in other to carry out proper investigation, after receiving series of other reports similar to yours as you are not the only person awaiting the legal transfer of funds from Africa.

A picture of one of their head quarters:


They sent a team TO Africa on a money saving mission for yours truly. Wow, I feel very privileged. Although I'm not sure how you fly TO Africa if you are already there. I always thought when I deposited my check it just went to my bank. I wasn't aware US Bank was flying it on a plane to Mali first.

The FBI has giving authority to the International Monetary Funds (IMF) to assist the Federal Ministry of Finance and all the organization involved; such as the Central Bank, Zenith Bank, and Legit lottery organizations to immediately commence with the compensation of all the beneficiaries awaiting the successful transfer of their funds.

Bad grammar is bad. Thankfully the Legit lottery has my back in this financial disaster of mine. They couldn't POSSIBLY be up to no good!


With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI, we traced your information from the Internet as one of the beneficiaries awaiting the successful transfer of funds to your nominated account.




I am pleased to inform you that a meeting was held as regards the best way to carry out with the compensation exercise for transparency and most especially to avoid reoccurrence of the delay in transferring your funds and the high cost of procuring transfer documents and came to a final conclusion as all head of organizations involved was duly represented.


I imagine this was done in a closed room meeting, with a lot of serious men in suits gravely whispering to one another, "What's in your wallet?"

It was approved to be issued to you as a valid international ATM card cashable at any ATM machine designation in the world. The ATM account has already being credited with Five million, five hundred thousand United States dollars. ($5.5, 000, 000.00USD), with a daily Limit of withdrawal of Fifteen thousand United States Dollars. ($15.000, 00USD).The ATM card has already being packaged and approved to be delivered to your door step via express courier delivery service.

Five million dollars? Wow, someone has not done their homework. Their daily withdrawal limit is just under what I make A YEAR.

Contact Mr. Kelvin Williams {Our FBI ATM Rep.} at the ATM PAYMENT CENTER and reconfirm your delivery information as stated below and your security code with five digit (24006) number has to be submitted alongside with your delivery information for security reasons.
Mr. Kelvin:



DELIVERY INFROMATION:
FULL NAME:
DELIVERY ADDRESS:
CELLPHONE NUMBER:
CURRENT OCCUPATION
CONTACT INFORMATION:


NAME: Kelvin Williams
EMAIL: chattred.wbg001@rogers.com
PHONE: +234-703-007-9287


Yeah, that looks like a legit email. And that CERTAINLY looks like an American phone number!


NOTE: Under normal circumstances you are suppose to come and collect your ATM CARD in person and sign some documents as proof of the collection of your ATM CARD but the IMF and the Finance Ministry insisted that you pay for the delivery charges of your ATM CARD via western union money transfer, which will cost you only $350.00USD to cut down travel expenses in other for the western union payment receipt and the receipt of payment of $350.00USD to the nominated courier company that will carry out with the delivery to your door step to be documented in your file as proof your collection. We hope that is very clear. A receipt to this effect will be sent to you and a copy kept in your file for future documentation.


Let me get this straight. It will cost $350 dollars to mail a PIECE OF PLASTIC to me, and THEY are trying to save ME money? What a bunch of silly geese.


We also advise that you stop further communications with these imposters and forward any correspondence / proposal you receive from them to Mr. Kelvin Williams in other for the FBI to bring justice to does still at large.



Mr. Ron Mills. [ronmills@fbiinvestigationoffice.com]

Times are tough, eh Pam? The FBI can't even afford to give you a government email account. Man, that crazy economy!

Comments

Travis said…
You know it's funny I just got one of these kinds of e-mails and I was thinking about doing a post like this.
Bryan said…
In the immortal words of Rich Vos, "Great minds think a lot."

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