Alright I have a post.
(just to be clear everything after and including this sentence is absolutely serious.)
I can't cry, and I feel like I'm suffocating. It won't come, and why?
I've never been so dismantled.
It's taken a lot of time, but I just don't feel the same anymore.
I am not sure what I am.
I am not happy.
I essentially just finished "that conversation" with Jennifer. Yeah, I know. In short, it's so complicated, it's so simple. She's fucked up. Really. She knows it. She doesn't trust me and we can't see each other anymore. She's dealing with a lot bullshit complexes and she can barely sort herself out, let alone me and what I bring to the table. I feel fucking terrible. I'm in so many places right now, it's amazing, I have no idea how to explain how terrified and sad I am underneath that part of me that's used to this shit. I can barely think because in my head is where she is. It's where she's right now, still smiling and holding me, where we are both having fun. The last thing I wanted was for this to happen on top of everything else.
I understand her, and I'm not very mad. I do respect her a lot, and this ridiculousness kills me.
It's just UNFORTUNATE, and I have no idea what to do after it. The normal getting-over-a-girl doesn't apply anymore because she floats around in my mind and heart in a different realm than what I'm used to- as in something entirely less and more. She was like a fucked up wonderful weather pattern that just passed through my everything. I understand it's just nature.
When it rains, it pours.
My DAD is dying.
I don't what the fuck is going on. I'm blown apart. Or more like, decaying, because this has all been happening (relatively) gradually. I feel like everything has been taking it's blow, corroding, I'm increasingly being less able to recognize what's left. My body, my energy, my values, my character- I don't know what I'm left with. Am I even the same guy?
I'm so SPENT.
and all I think about is how I have this feeling that I want to get away because it's better than acknowledging all the reasons why I feel like I'm cracking. If I thought about it I'd be sitting all day. God I can't believe how much I want to just go away.
It's taken a while to know that everything is one giant problem. I'm trying hard to avoid the "crying for help letter", because I'm not exactly that guy. But I can feel that path under my feet almost. As dumb as it sounds, who's going to save me now?
I can see two paths. One involves me being the model of a man and picking myself up, and the other involves killing people in the middle of the night. I don't think either are completely realistic but being in the middle sure feels like a draining crock of shit.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with my dad. It's terrible. It's really really terrible. I can't watch him suffer. I'd almost rather kill him than watch him suffer anymore. He just keeps getting more sick. It's bullshit, and it just goes on and on. He doesn't deserve this. Obviously I'm partial to him, but he really doesn't deserve this. None of us deserve this suffering. I can't believe how broken my heart is.
It's getting harder to visit him. It really is. He doesn't have a lot of reasons to be happy anymore, and his condition is changing him. He's not the same guy, I'm not really sure how else to put it. Already I've kind of said goodbye to the guy who around before that surgery months ago.
All of this has made going to work much harder, more depressing, and pitiful. All of this just keeps stacking;
Depressing and much more important life outside of work makes work depressing, depressing work makes free time in life feel bleaker.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am. I don't know whats left. I certainly don't know how the next half year or so is supposed to work.
So I've realized I need to focus on what I do have. Something, subconsciously I feel I've been neglecting. I have you guys, and I have my family. I'm going to be focusing on my friends more. The people who love me. And in turn, hopefully, you guys can help me focus, on, well, me.
Something has to pull through, otherwise I'm not sure what the fuck is going to happen to what's suppose to be me. I don't mean that melodramatically, or as a threat. I mean that for what it is.
I know to be strong. I'm just not sure how to.
I'm really hoping I(and we) can get done what needs to be done in the next year.
I need you guys for this so badly.
yeah I'm not sure what else to say...
(just to be clear everything after and including this sentence is absolutely serious.)
I can't cry, and I feel like I'm suffocating. It won't come, and why?
I've never been so dismantled.
It's taken a lot of time, but I just don't feel the same anymore.
I am not sure what I am.
I am not happy.
I essentially just finished "that conversation" with Jennifer. Yeah, I know. In short, it's so complicated, it's so simple. She's fucked up. Really. She knows it. She doesn't trust me and we can't see each other anymore. She's dealing with a lot bullshit complexes and she can barely sort herself out, let alone me and what I bring to the table. I feel fucking terrible. I'm in so many places right now, it's amazing, I have no idea how to explain how terrified and sad I am underneath that part of me that's used to this shit. I can barely think because in my head is where she is. It's where she's right now, still smiling and holding me, where we are both having fun. The last thing I wanted was for this to happen on top of everything else.
I understand her, and I'm not very mad. I do respect her a lot, and this ridiculousness kills me.
It's just UNFORTUNATE, and I have no idea what to do after it. The normal getting-over-a-girl doesn't apply anymore because she floats around in my mind and heart in a different realm than what I'm used to- as in something entirely less and more. She was like a fucked up wonderful weather pattern that just passed through my everything. I understand it's just nature.
When it rains, it pours.
My DAD is dying.
I don't what the fuck is going on. I'm blown apart. Or more like, decaying, because this has all been happening (relatively) gradually. I feel like everything has been taking it's blow, corroding, I'm increasingly being less able to recognize what's left. My body, my energy, my values, my character- I don't know what I'm left with. Am I even the same guy?
I'm so SPENT.
and all I think about is how I have this feeling that I want to get away because it's better than acknowledging all the reasons why I feel like I'm cracking. If I thought about it I'd be sitting all day. God I can't believe how much I want to just go away.
It's taken a while to know that everything is one giant problem. I'm trying hard to avoid the "crying for help letter", because I'm not exactly that guy. But I can feel that path under my feet almost. As dumb as it sounds, who's going to save me now?
I can see two paths. One involves me being the model of a man and picking myself up, and the other involves killing people in the middle of the night. I don't think either are completely realistic but being in the middle sure feels like a draining crock of shit.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with my dad. It's terrible. It's really really terrible. I can't watch him suffer. I'd almost rather kill him than watch him suffer anymore. He just keeps getting more sick. It's bullshit, and it just goes on and on. He doesn't deserve this. Obviously I'm partial to him, but he really doesn't deserve this. None of us deserve this suffering. I can't believe how broken my heart is.
It's getting harder to visit him. It really is. He doesn't have a lot of reasons to be happy anymore, and his condition is changing him. He's not the same guy, I'm not really sure how else to put it. Already I've kind of said goodbye to the guy who around before that surgery months ago.
All of this has made going to work much harder, more depressing, and pitiful. All of this just keeps stacking;
Depressing and much more important life outside of work makes work depressing, depressing work makes free time in life feel bleaker.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am. I don't know whats left. I certainly don't know how the next half year or so is supposed to work.
So I've realized I need to focus on what I do have. Something, subconsciously I feel I've been neglecting. I have you guys, and I have my family. I'm going to be focusing on my friends more. The people who love me. And in turn, hopefully, you guys can help me focus, on, well, me.
Something has to pull through, otherwise I'm not sure what the fuck is going to happen to what's suppose to be me. I don't mean that melodramatically, or as a threat. I mean that for what it is.
I know to be strong. I'm just not sure how to.
I'm really hoping I(and we) can get done what needs to be done in the next year.
I need you guys for this so badly.
yeah I'm not sure what else to say...
Comments
As for your dad, like I told you before, I'm not going to lie. I can't relate to what you're going through. I can't honestly imagine what I would do in your shoes. All I know is I'm your friend and whatever that implies in terms of support, you can count on me for. I mean shit, I'll sit with you when the girl you're dating is being horrendously unfair, I certainly will be here through this. There's a lot of pain and horrible shit going on in your life right now, and I certainly understand the temptation to run away. But you can't run away from the problems in your life. They will follow you everywhere you go. You won't be happier in Florida or in Bucharest than you are here. Vanessa is the perfect example of that. She spends her whole life running away from her problems, taking trips all over the US and Europe. And her life is still a disaster.
You will get through this. And everyone is here for you. Don't forget that. I know you feel melodramatic to imply that you don't want to be alive anymore. If a phonecall at 4 in the morning is the difference between you driving off a bridge or not, PLEASE FUCKING CALL.
Just, you know, call a couple times because I might not wake up right away.
First off the thing with this girl I'm just getting out of a relationship that's like that. There is so much to deal with that you don't know how to start or where to begin. Sure being with that person makes you happy but that's only temporary. I guess its best for you to decide if you can keep the relationship up, on both ends because if its only one sided, its no relationship at all.
As for your father, i can't exactly relate but for me the image of my father, who he was and who he is is drastically different. I'm not going to go into much detail but i understand how hard it is.
My best advice for you is to take everything day by day. Around this time last year when I realized i was losing pretty much everything. My best friend, my family and my house I felt the same way you did and all you can do is take it day by day.
In the end it is not what or how much you're losing but rather how much you are able to retain.
And although we haven't been much of friends I'm here for ya.
my aim is ucdbrizzle .
just throwin this out there, but on the 25th, 26th, and 27th of this month i was thinking of going to my cabin. if you need to get away, it really is the best place. its so quite and peaceful, i cant think of a better place to go and get things straightened out in your head. if your interested id be more than happy to take you.
take care dude.
p.s. I'm around...but no one calls me
I don't know what to say about the Jennifer situation. It takes time and not much action on your part, except to focus on other things, which I think you realize.
I've never truly been in love with someone before so I can't really relate. I was pretty broken up over Brianna way back when but I think that's a different situation. Regardless, you know you have people you can count on.
The way your dad is dying is terrible, and there's not much I can add to that. My dad's death was instantaneous and, while I can relate to the loss on a fundamental level, all I can say is what you're going through is really bad and you don't deserve it. Nobody does.
You know I'm going to be around for quite a while. I'm just around the corner, so to speak. You can call me anytime or ask me to come over and I'm there.
On a much lighter note, we need to smash some buildings, pronto.
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