Another One Shits The Bed (Or, How I Learned To Stop Forgiving And Hate The Bomb)
So Matt and I saw Max Payne on Monday. This was a movie we had been looking forward to (or at least I had) for awhile. Of course, I was already familiar with it - Fox (the producer of the film) threatened to sue the Payne and Redemption team for making a fan film; as a result, they had to hack out any direct reference to the name, "Max Payne" from the trailers.
For something fanmade, that's pretty fucking rad. The voice over guy is kind of a douche, but that's mostly forgivable even if it is hokey. It's sad that we live in a world where a fan film, which in terms of threat is somewhere between irrelevant and non-existent , has to call itself something like "Fergle Gibson Presents Macks Hurte" to avoid getting sued. But even with that, which I consider a massively douchey move, this STILL didn't ruin my excitement for this movie that I somehow told myself they wouldn't blow. I'm a huge fan of Max Payne - the first game was alright, the second game was a masterpiece. The plot of the first one basically lends itself to a movie: it's 75% action and 25% story, done in the film noir style. How COULD you fuck up a movie based on a game where a single man kills almost every drug addict in New York City, 1/3 of the Italian Mafia, and an entire private army, all to avenge the brutal murder of an innocent wife and newborn baby? Seriously, there are three easy steps:
A: Make sure a gun is being fired AT LEAST once every 30 seconds
B: Cast someone who can portray the heartbreaking loss and the incalculable rage
C: Make sure a different gun is being fired AT LEAST twice as much as the one in Step A.
Hearing interviews with Mark Wahlberg only accentuated my belief that this movie would be pretty damn cool. He seemed genuinely excited about the project, to the point where he was talking about it more than the movie he was there to plug at the time, The Happening, directed by Shamadouche. Then the reviews start coming in. Let me quote a few:
So basically, I'm expecting retarded with a lot of gunshots. Well fantastic, remember gunshots are two of the three requirements for the first Max Payne movie. So here I am, expecting to see two hours of hundreds of people being shot to shit by an angry piece of brooding Hell. Or at least, by Mark Wahlberg. I sort of expected them to completely miss why the narrative structure was necessary (it's the only thing that separates Max Payne from any other mindless shooter) because, in essence, WHY WOULD THEY put it in when they could leave it out and have a mediocre project?
Before I even get started, let me clarify, just in case you didn't know. I am EXTREMELY forgiving of mediocrity in film. 99% of the time I have the uncanny ability to see what a director was attempting to do and enjoy the parts of a film that aren't bad or at least had potential. Very, VERY rarely do I truly despise a film.
I despised Max Payne.
Matt, Olivia, Nick and I eagerly saddle up to our seats. Aaaaaaaannnnnd......the rage starts. The first, THE FIRST five minutes are decent. Nevermind that he fires a revolver 9 times without reloading, it's WAY too early to nitpick, when there's so much prime shit to rip into later. It seems to be paced like, "Aw shit, Max Payne's ready to say fuck the system and start shooting everyone." And then we get to see boring dialogue and a half-assed detective....something. I may be spoiled by The Wire, but is this what investigations look like? Put yourself in Max's shoes, for a second. Your wife and baby are brutally murdered. You catch and kill two of the three. Do you find that last guy by being an impatient dick with some low-level pimp named Manny THREE FUCKING YEARS LATER? "Hey Manny, I need some more leads." How about you crack Manny's fucking skull? That might make him a little more talkative. How about instead of threatening petulantly to break up a drug party, you start breaking drug party goers. What part of the game did you clean that Max is a by-the-rules pacifist from? Listen, I know the rogue cop thing is cliche. But so did Sam Lake when he wrote both games. He still found a way to keep it interesting within the confines of an all too-familiar archetype. The next HOUR AND A HALF, you see a gun fired maybe once every hour and twenty-nine minutes. WHAT THE FUCK?! His name is Max Payne, not Tommy Timid or Sammy Slightlyangry or Donny Dontpointthatthinginhereitmightgooffandhurtsomeonerealbad. The real Max knew when it was time to stop brooding and start shooting. The LAST twenty minutes of the film, the director seems to remember, oh yeah, doesn't Max shoot a couple of people in the game? And then we get to see his retarded vision of how action happens. Max hides behind some file cabinets that probably cost more to install than to purchase (haha get it because they're shit and I would know, amirite?) while twenty men with automatic rifles fire at him for probably five minutes. He runs completely out of cover to pick up an envelope, then runs back behind the file cabinets towards a door and is hit a grand total of ONE time by TWENTY SPECIALISTS WITH AUTOMATIC RIFLES, one of which climbs on top of a table even though the fire suppressing sprinkler system is on, before being shot off by idiot savant Payne.
The OTHER scene with action in fucking MAX PAYNE is in an abandoned warehouse, where Max and his Magical Shotgun (more on this later) take out a grand total of five men. I say magical for a couple reasons. One, when he fires it at people, they are lifted off their feet and thrown ten feet across the room, minimum. The other moment I realized it was magical is when Max was ambushed by a guy on a raised catwalk behind him. The man carries a Very Nice Automatic Rifle, and having the drop on Max and taking the time to aim his Very Nice Automatic Rifle with its Pretty Decent Scope, naturally misses Max by about fifteen feet, making canisters of glass explode in the distant foreground. Max does what any person with a magic shotgun would do: he does a backflip in slow motion and blindfires. This is how the NYPD trained him, so you won't hear any complaints here. Now, somehow within the space of a backflip, he's able to get not one, but TWO shots off with a pump action shotgun. You see, because it's magic. And even though he's a good sixty feet or so away, the man who can't aim with his Very Nice Automatic Rifle is instantly obliterated.
This movie made me want to cry for a lot of reasons. How did you fuck this up, John Moore and Beau Thorne? It's Max "You know what would make today better? If I shot twenty drug addicts in the FACE" Payne, for Christ's sake! One, it had almost no action. Two, the action it DID have was completely incompetent. Three, the story was complete convoluted yet somehow still overly simple shit. Four, they systematically ruined EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER FROM THE FUCKING GAME. NO ONE was what they were supposed to be. The only good thing I can say about it, and I do mean only, is that it reminded me of how much I truly loved the source material. And I know this is reading EXACTLY like a review of the Evangelion movie which is why I'm about to get more specific and probably also why I want to curb stomp the director and screenwriter. Let's go CHARACTER BY CHARACTER to prove that Hollywood is fucking IDIOTIC and that I'm a overly motivated FANBOY with nothing better to do.
Max Payne
In the game: An NYPD detective married to the District Attorney, who has just given birth to their first child. He's happy and he's living the American Dream, which is a MAJOR theme in both games completely omitted from the film. When he finds his wife and newborn daughter brutally murdered by psychotic drug addicts who've broken in to his home, he transfers to the DEA to work on high-risk cases because he's miserable and it helps him deal with the tragic, seemingly-random loss. This is after killing them of course. He tries to figure out the mystery of his family's murder by tracking the drugs the killers were using - Valkyr, a psychadelic drug distributed by the Puchinello family, one of the five Mafia families. After being framed for a murder and having nothing to lose, he starts pointing a gun at the face of the lowest man on the totem pole and asking for directions, before pulling the trigger and moving up. While systematically tearing apart the mob's street operations and later, the family infrastructure itself. Eventually Max unravels the conspiracy and by the end, he's killed easily over a thousand people.
In the movie: An NYPD detective married to a project manager at the Aesir Corp. pharmaceutical company, who has given birth to their first child. When he finds his wife and newborn daughter brutally murdered by psychotic drug addicts who've broken in to his home, he becomes a cold case detective and essentially stops doing all police work, focusing on this tragic and seemingly-random loss. After doing a third-rate detective job asking around low-level criminals, Max begins to suspect that Aesir, whose company logo is tattooed on EVERY SINGLE DRUG USER IN NEW YORK CITY, may be involved with the drug Valkyr, which is making people see demons. After threatening a corporate officer to obtain all the evidence he needs which has conveniently been gathered into a single manilla envelope, he fights his way out of the Aesir building and eventually discovers that his father's old partner, B.B. Hensley is actually a serial killer who murdered his wife and daughter because it made him feel powerful. Max overdoses on Valkyr and shoots Hensley in the chest and by the end, he's killed easily over five people.
Michelle Payne
In game: Wife of Max, District Attorney who is killed by drug addicts who are planted in her house after investigating the Aesir Corporation and charges of their corruption too closely.
In movie: Wife of Max, employee of Aesir Corporation who is killed by drug addicts who are planted in her house after she tells BB Hensley that the Valkyr project "may be immoral."
Mona Sax
In the game: Twin sister of the Puchinello don's Italian wife. Contract killer who double crosses Max before deciding to help him out in the game's finale. Is shot in an elevator, the doors of which close before Max can help her. Is CRUCIAL to Max Payne 2, but has a grand total of ten minutes of face time in the first game.
In the movie: Russian mafia boss whose Russian non-twin sister, the drug-addled Natasha, is murdered by Jack Lupino. She initially suspects Max as the killer but realizes that he isn't and helps him solve the murder of his family. Constantly carries around a Heckler and Koch MP5 but apparently doesn't know how to hold it properly.
BB Hensley
In the game: DEA agent who frames Max for fellow agent Alex Balder's murder. He's a dick, part of the Aesir conspiracy, and is shot to death by Max Payne after attempting to lure him into a trap.
In the movie: Former partner of Max Payne's father (Phil Payne. HAHA GET IT BECUZ IT SOWNDZ LIEK FEEL) who retires from the NYPD to become the chief of security for Aesir corporation, working alongside Max Payne's wife, Michelle. After seemingly having Payne's back through 3/4 of the film, it is revealed that after Michelle found out about the Valkyr project he personally killed her and her newborn baby (who apparently was a witness) because he "enjoyed the feeling of power it gave him." He tells this to Max after saving him from Jack Lupino, instead of just watching Lupino kill him. He then tries to kill Max by dumping him in the river, but Max somehow perseveres and in the end, kills BB.
Jim Bravura
In the game: Police chief in charge of bringing Max Payne in for the suspected murder of DEA agent Alex Balder, and later, for the very obvious murders of every drug dealer, low-level enforcer, underboss, made men and don of the Puchinello crime family. Spends the entire game just one step behind Max as he goes on his vigilante spree. Old, in his mid-fifties, and white.
In the movie: Internal Affairs agent tasked with pinning the very curious death of NYPD detective Alex "I look homeless" Balder on Max Payne despite an obvious lack of physical evidence and motive. Played by Ludacris.
Afred Woden/Jason Colvin
In the game: Not a character. The closest character is the plot critical Alfred Woden, a high-ranking member of a secret society called the Inner Circle, who consists of many people in positions of power doing conspiratorial shit that secret societies do. Reveals that Nicole Horne, the CEO of Aesir Corp, is the one responsible for the death of Max's District Attorney wife. He tells Max that while politically he can't make a move on Horne, it is mutually beneficial if Max takes her out of the picture and Woden will make sure Max is protected if he succeeds.
In the movie: High-level employee and coworker of Michelle Payne, who conveniently holds all the evidence Max needs to prove his innocence and get his revenge on the right person. Is shot in the chest after begging for protection like a petulant pussy.
Alex Balder
In game: Fellow DEA agent and friend to Max. is assassinated by BB, who frames Max for his death.
In movie: Detective and former partner of Max, who investigated Michelle's murder but failed to produce third killer who got away. Is the one to discover the Aesir tattoo very obviously covering every person addicted to Valkyr, and while attempting to explain connection to Max, is mysteriously killed. Thankfully, he leaves a photo of one of the addicts Max killed in his home with the tattoo circled in red ink and the phrase, "SAME TATTOO AS OTHER KILLERS?" Looks homeless, inexplicably.
Jack Lupino
In game: Mafia underboss who handles distribution of the street drug Valkyr for the Puchinello family. It's apparent that Lupino is addicted to Valkyr, as he is completely batshit insane and frequently utters, "I have tasted the flesh of fallen angels" before howling like a wolf and laughing. Works out of a nightclub called Ragnarok, which he has filled with various occult icons and artifacts in the attempt to research something that only makes sense to him.
In movie: Soldier deployed in Afghanistan who is part of the Valkyr soldier trials conducted by Aesir. Is one out of one hundred who is able to take the drug and not degenerate into a mindless lump of fear, but is something of a brand man (he's completely covered in Aesir tattoos) and cuts people up with knives with no apparent motivation other than to move the convoluted and poorly-structured plot along. Works out of an abandoned warehouse called RAGlaNdAndbROCK (get it? GET IT?) Is shot by BB for no arguable reason, in retrospect.
Nicole Horne
In game: The one who is ultimately responsible for Michelle Payne's death. The District Attorney was investigating Horne and her company for corruption when she came across the botched Valkyr project for supersoldiers, which was then released on the streets as a psychotropic drug to recoup money losses. Max smashes her helicopter with a fallen piece of tower, and it's debatable as to whether she burns to death or killed by the fall.
In movie: Never referenced directly by name, she has a grand total of five minutes face time, absolutely no connection to Michelle Payne's murder, and is not killed but revealed as a possible target in a sequel that should not ever be made.
Lincoln DeNeuf
In game: Not in game.
In movie: Random Haitian who has absolutely nothing to do with anything but inexplicably is shown anyway. Comparable to the make out couple from Manos. Played by Marlo Stanfield.
And WHERE THE FUCK IS VLADIMIR LEM? He's the only Russian mobster I like more than Niko Bellic (I know Niko isn't Russian, shut up). He spends literally the entire game blowing up Mafia-owned property from his black Mercedes (with license plate VODKA). He only stops to tell you that he's giving you an egregious amount of firearms to deal with your problem. Because that's what friends do.
This was all done by memory, which is especially sad in its own, understated way. I hope you understand why as a fan I felt like John Moore and Beau Thorne essentially shit in my mouth. The movie was a fucking joke. A better, more stylish, FAR MORE intelligent script was ALREADY FUCKING WRITTEN AND USED IN THE GAME. There was more shooting in the credits than in the entirety of the film. I'm so fucking SICK of seeing other people's interpretations of what my favorite pieces of art should look like. Imagine if someone painted UFOs on Guernica because the artist thought it would "really tie the imagery together." It's simply infuriating. You know what would have made it better? If it had opened with this:
And then Max shot 40,000 times.
As a final bonus and real proof of my point, I'm going to list every video game movie I've seen at least a piece, if not all of, and it's percentage on Rotten Tomatoes. Also Uwe Boll's work, because I will fucking eat a shotgun shell if he's scored higher than 25% EVER EVER EVER in his career, and remember, that's a low F. And keep in mind, of all of these, ONLY ONE of them was even remotely true to the original, and that was Silent Hill. Also the ONLY ONE on the list that I would watch again because it was good.
* Super Mario Bros. 6%
* Double Dragon 0%
* Street Fighter 27%
* Mortal Kombat 24%
* Mortal Kombat: Annihilation 4%
* Wing Commander 9%
* Lara Croft: Tomb Raider 19%
* Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within 44% (FUCKING GENEROUS)
* Resident Evil 34%
* Lara Croft Tomb Raider - Cradle of Life: 23%
* House of the Dead 4%
* Resident Evil: Apocalypse 21%
* Alone in the Dark 1%
* Doom 20%
* BloodRayne 4%
* Silent Hill 30% (I feel this score has a lot to do with the other films listed here)
* Resident Evil: Extinction 22%
* Hitman 15%
* In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale 4%
* Postal 8%
* Max Payne 19%
If Moore and Thorne were only smart enough to blatantly steal every plot point and scene from Leon the Professional, they'd have a movie that was just as inaccurate, but would have scored 73%.
For something fanmade, that's pretty fucking rad. The voice over guy is kind of a douche, but that's mostly forgivable even if it is hokey. It's sad that we live in a world where a fan film, which in terms of threat is somewhere between irrelevant and non-existent , has to call itself something like "Fergle Gibson Presents Macks Hurte" to avoid getting sued. But even with that, which I consider a massively douchey move, this STILL didn't ruin my excitement for this movie that I somehow told myself they wouldn't blow. I'm a huge fan of Max Payne - the first game was alright, the second game was a masterpiece. The plot of the first one basically lends itself to a movie: it's 75% action and 25% story, done in the film noir style. How COULD you fuck up a movie based on a game where a single man kills almost every drug addict in New York City, 1/3 of the Italian Mafia, and an entire private army, all to avenge the brutal murder of an innocent wife and newborn baby? Seriously, there are three easy steps:
A: Make sure a gun is being fired AT LEAST once every 30 seconds
B: Cast someone who can portray the heartbreaking loss and the incalculable rage
C: Make sure a different gun is being fired AT LEAST twice as much as the one in Step A.
Hearing interviews with Mark Wahlberg only accentuated my belief that this movie would be pretty damn cool. He seemed genuinely excited about the project, to the point where he was talking about it more than the movie he was there to plug at the time, The Happening, directed by Shamadouche. Then the reviews start coming in. Let me quote a few:
Sexy girls and lots of automatic weapons are involved in an occasionally coherent plot.
Max Payne is one of those ludicrous action movies based on a videogame that’s all style and little substance.
Although dialogue may be less than stimulating in 'Max Payne,' its powerful images relate what needs to be said -- and this approach worked for me.
The fans attracted to Max Payne will readily leave any disbelief by the doors as the action ramps up.
Your quintessential guy film. If you have any significant level of testosterone in your blood stream, you'll find something to enjoy about it.
So basically, I'm expecting retarded with a lot of gunshots. Well fantastic, remember gunshots are two of the three requirements for the first Max Payne movie. So here I am, expecting to see two hours of hundreds of people being shot to shit by an angry piece of brooding Hell. Or at least, by Mark Wahlberg. I sort of expected them to completely miss why the narrative structure was necessary (it's the only thing that separates Max Payne from any other mindless shooter) because, in essence, WHY WOULD THEY put it in when they could leave it out and have a mediocre project?
Before I even get started, let me clarify, just in case you didn't know. I am EXTREMELY forgiving of mediocrity in film. 99% of the time I have the uncanny ability to see what a director was attempting to do and enjoy the parts of a film that aren't bad or at least had potential. Very, VERY rarely do I truly despise a film.
I despised Max Payne.
Matt, Olivia, Nick and I eagerly saddle up to our seats. Aaaaaaaannnnnd......the rage starts. The first, THE FIRST five minutes are decent. Nevermind that he fires a revolver 9 times without reloading, it's WAY too early to nitpick, when there's so much prime shit to rip into later. It seems to be paced like, "Aw shit, Max Payne's ready to say fuck the system and start shooting everyone." And then we get to see boring dialogue and a half-assed detective....something. I may be spoiled by The Wire, but is this what investigations look like? Put yourself in Max's shoes, for a second. Your wife and baby are brutally murdered. You catch and kill two of the three. Do you find that last guy by being an impatient dick with some low-level pimp named Manny THREE FUCKING YEARS LATER? "Hey Manny, I need some more leads." How about you crack Manny's fucking skull? That might make him a little more talkative. How about instead of threatening petulantly to break up a drug party, you start breaking drug party goers. What part of the game did you clean that Max is a by-the-rules pacifist from? Listen, I know the rogue cop thing is cliche. But so did Sam Lake when he wrote both games. He still found a way to keep it interesting within the confines of an all too-familiar archetype. The next HOUR AND A HALF, you see a gun fired maybe once every hour and twenty-nine minutes. WHAT THE FUCK?! His name is Max Payne, not Tommy Timid or Sammy Slightlyangry or Donny Dontpointthatthinginhereitmightgooffandhurtsomeonerealbad. The real Max knew when it was time to stop brooding and start shooting. The LAST twenty minutes of the film, the director seems to remember, oh yeah, doesn't Max shoot a couple of people in the game? And then we get to see his retarded vision of how action happens. Max hides behind some file cabinets that probably cost more to install than to purchase (haha get it because they're shit and I would know, amirite?) while twenty men with automatic rifles fire at him for probably five minutes. He runs completely out of cover to pick up an envelope, then runs back behind the file cabinets towards a door and is hit a grand total of ONE time by TWENTY SPECIALISTS WITH AUTOMATIC RIFLES, one of which climbs on top of a table even though the fire suppressing sprinkler system is on, before being shot off by idiot savant Payne.
The OTHER scene with action in fucking MAX PAYNE is in an abandoned warehouse, where Max and his Magical Shotgun (more on this later) take out a grand total of five men. I say magical for a couple reasons. One, when he fires it at people, they are lifted off their feet and thrown ten feet across the room, minimum. The other moment I realized it was magical is when Max was ambushed by a guy on a raised catwalk behind him. The man carries a Very Nice Automatic Rifle, and having the drop on Max and taking the time to aim his Very Nice Automatic Rifle with its Pretty Decent Scope, naturally misses Max by about fifteen feet, making canisters of glass explode in the distant foreground. Max does what any person with a magic shotgun would do: he does a backflip in slow motion and blindfires. This is how the NYPD trained him, so you won't hear any complaints here. Now, somehow within the space of a backflip, he's able to get not one, but TWO shots off with a pump action shotgun. You see, because it's magic. And even though he's a good sixty feet or so away, the man who can't aim with his Very Nice Automatic Rifle is instantly obliterated.
This movie made me want to cry for a lot of reasons. How did you fuck this up, John Moore and Beau Thorne? It's Max "You know what would make today better? If I shot twenty drug addicts in the FACE" Payne, for Christ's sake! One, it had almost no action. Two, the action it DID have was completely incompetent. Three, the story was complete convoluted yet somehow still overly simple shit. Four, they systematically ruined EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER FROM THE FUCKING GAME. NO ONE was what they were supposed to be. The only good thing I can say about it, and I do mean only, is that it reminded me of how much I truly loved the source material. And I know this is reading EXACTLY like a review of the Evangelion movie which is why I'm about to get more specific and probably also why I want to curb stomp the director and screenwriter. Let's go CHARACTER BY CHARACTER to prove that Hollywood is fucking IDIOTIC and that I'm a overly motivated FANBOY with nothing better to do.
Max Payne
In the game: An NYPD detective married to the District Attorney, who has just given birth to their first child. He's happy and he's living the American Dream, which is a MAJOR theme in both games completely omitted from the film. When he finds his wife and newborn daughter brutally murdered by psychotic drug addicts who've broken in to his home, he transfers to the DEA to work on high-risk cases because he's miserable and it helps him deal with the tragic, seemingly-random loss. This is after killing them of course. He tries to figure out the mystery of his family's murder by tracking the drugs the killers were using - Valkyr, a psychadelic drug distributed by the Puchinello family, one of the five Mafia families. After being framed for a murder and having nothing to lose, he starts pointing a gun at the face of the lowest man on the totem pole and asking for directions, before pulling the trigger and moving up. While systematically tearing apart the mob's street operations and later, the family infrastructure itself. Eventually Max unravels the conspiracy and by the end, he's killed easily over a thousand people.
In the movie: An NYPD detective married to a project manager at the Aesir Corp. pharmaceutical company, who has given birth to their first child. When he finds his wife and newborn daughter brutally murdered by psychotic drug addicts who've broken in to his home, he becomes a cold case detective and essentially stops doing all police work, focusing on this tragic and seemingly-random loss. After doing a third-rate detective job asking around low-level criminals, Max begins to suspect that Aesir, whose company logo is tattooed on EVERY SINGLE DRUG USER IN NEW YORK CITY, may be involved with the drug Valkyr, which is making people see demons. After threatening a corporate officer to obtain all the evidence he needs which has conveniently been gathered into a single manilla envelope, he fights his way out of the Aesir building and eventually discovers that his father's old partner, B.B. Hensley is actually a serial killer who murdered his wife and daughter because it made him feel powerful. Max overdoses on Valkyr and shoots Hensley in the chest and by the end, he's killed easily over five people.
Michelle Payne
In game: Wife of Max, District Attorney who is killed by drug addicts who are planted in her house after investigating the Aesir Corporation and charges of their corruption too closely.
In movie: Wife of Max, employee of Aesir Corporation who is killed by drug addicts who are planted in her house after she tells BB Hensley that the Valkyr project "may be immoral."
Mona Sax
In the game: Twin sister of the Puchinello don's Italian wife. Contract killer who double crosses Max before deciding to help him out in the game's finale. Is shot in an elevator, the doors of which close before Max can help her. Is CRUCIAL to Max Payne 2, but has a grand total of ten minutes of face time in the first game.
In the movie: Russian mafia boss whose Russian non-twin sister, the drug-addled Natasha, is murdered by Jack Lupino. She initially suspects Max as the killer but realizes that he isn't and helps him solve the murder of his family. Constantly carries around a Heckler and Koch MP5 but apparently doesn't know how to hold it properly.
BB Hensley
In the game: DEA agent who frames Max for fellow agent Alex Balder's murder. He's a dick, part of the Aesir conspiracy, and is shot to death by Max Payne after attempting to lure him into a trap.
In the movie: Former partner of Max Payne's father (Phil Payne. HAHA GET IT BECUZ IT SOWNDZ LIEK FEEL) who retires from the NYPD to become the chief of security for Aesir corporation, working alongside Max Payne's wife, Michelle. After seemingly having Payne's back through 3/4 of the film, it is revealed that after Michelle found out about the Valkyr project he personally killed her and her newborn baby (who apparently was a witness) because he "enjoyed the feeling of power it gave him." He tells this to Max after saving him from Jack Lupino, instead of just watching Lupino kill him. He then tries to kill Max by dumping him in the river, but Max somehow perseveres and in the end, kills BB.
Jim Bravura
In the game: Police chief in charge of bringing Max Payne in for the suspected murder of DEA agent Alex Balder, and later, for the very obvious murders of every drug dealer, low-level enforcer, underboss, made men and don of the Puchinello crime family. Spends the entire game just one step behind Max as he goes on his vigilante spree. Old, in his mid-fifties, and white.
In the movie: Internal Affairs agent tasked with pinning the very curious death of NYPD detective Alex "I look homeless" Balder on Max Payne despite an obvious lack of physical evidence and motive. Played by Ludacris.
Afred Woden/Jason Colvin
In the game: Not a character. The closest character is the plot critical Alfred Woden, a high-ranking member of a secret society called the Inner Circle, who consists of many people in positions of power doing conspiratorial shit that secret societies do. Reveals that Nicole Horne, the CEO of Aesir Corp, is the one responsible for the death of Max's District Attorney wife. He tells Max that while politically he can't make a move on Horne, it is mutually beneficial if Max takes her out of the picture and Woden will make sure Max is protected if he succeeds.
In the movie: High-level employee and coworker of Michelle Payne, who conveniently holds all the evidence Max needs to prove his innocence and get his revenge on the right person. Is shot in the chest after begging for protection like a petulant pussy.
Alex Balder
In game: Fellow DEA agent and friend to Max. is assassinated by BB, who frames Max for his death.
In movie: Detective and former partner of Max, who investigated Michelle's murder but failed to produce third killer who got away. Is the one to discover the Aesir tattoo very obviously covering every person addicted to Valkyr, and while attempting to explain connection to Max, is mysteriously killed. Thankfully, he leaves a photo of one of the addicts Max killed in his home with the tattoo circled in red ink and the phrase, "SAME TATTOO AS OTHER KILLERS?" Looks homeless, inexplicably.
Jack Lupino
In game: Mafia underboss who handles distribution of the street drug Valkyr for the Puchinello family. It's apparent that Lupino is addicted to Valkyr, as he is completely batshit insane and frequently utters, "I have tasted the flesh of fallen angels" before howling like a wolf and laughing. Works out of a nightclub called Ragnarok, which he has filled with various occult icons and artifacts in the attempt to research something that only makes sense to him.
In movie: Soldier deployed in Afghanistan who is part of the Valkyr soldier trials conducted by Aesir. Is one out of one hundred who is able to take the drug and not degenerate into a mindless lump of fear, but is something of a brand man (he's completely covered in Aesir tattoos) and cuts people up with knives with no apparent motivation other than to move the convoluted and poorly-structured plot along. Works out of an abandoned warehouse called RAGlaNdAndbROCK (get it? GET IT?) Is shot by BB for no arguable reason, in retrospect.
Nicole Horne
In game: The one who is ultimately responsible for Michelle Payne's death. The District Attorney was investigating Horne and her company for corruption when she came across the botched Valkyr project for supersoldiers, which was then released on the streets as a psychotropic drug to recoup money losses. Max smashes her helicopter with a fallen piece of tower, and it's debatable as to whether she burns to death or killed by the fall.
In movie: Never referenced directly by name, she has a grand total of five minutes face time, absolutely no connection to Michelle Payne's murder, and is not killed but revealed as a possible target in a sequel that should not ever be made.
Lincoln DeNeuf
In game: Not in game.
In movie: Random Haitian who has absolutely nothing to do with anything but inexplicably is shown anyway. Comparable to the make out couple from Manos. Played by Marlo Stanfield.
And WHERE THE FUCK IS VLADIMIR LEM? He's the only Russian mobster I like more than Niko Bellic (I know Niko isn't Russian, shut up). He spends literally the entire game blowing up Mafia-owned property from his black Mercedes (with license plate VODKA). He only stops to tell you that he's giving you an egregious amount of firearms to deal with your problem. Because that's what friends do.
This was all done by memory, which is especially sad in its own, understated way. I hope you understand why as a fan I felt like John Moore and Beau Thorne essentially shit in my mouth. The movie was a fucking joke. A better, more stylish, FAR MORE intelligent script was ALREADY FUCKING WRITTEN AND USED IN THE GAME. There was more shooting in the credits than in the entirety of the film. I'm so fucking SICK of seeing other people's interpretations of what my favorite pieces of art should look like. Imagine if someone painted UFOs on Guernica because the artist thought it would "really tie the imagery together." It's simply infuriating. You know what would have made it better? If it had opened with this:
And then Max shot 40,000 times.
As a final bonus and real proof of my point, I'm going to list every video game movie I've seen at least a piece, if not all of, and it's percentage on Rotten Tomatoes. Also Uwe Boll's work, because I will fucking eat a shotgun shell if he's scored higher than 25% EVER EVER EVER in his career, and remember, that's a low F. And keep in mind, of all of these, ONLY ONE of them was even remotely true to the original, and that was Silent Hill. Also the ONLY ONE on the list that I would watch again because it was good.
* Super Mario Bros. 6%
* Double Dragon 0%
* Street Fighter 27%
* Mortal Kombat 24%
* Mortal Kombat: Annihilation 4%
* Wing Commander 9%
* Lara Croft: Tomb Raider 19%
* Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within 44% (FUCKING GENEROUS)
* Resident Evil 34%
* Lara Croft Tomb Raider - Cradle of Life: 23%
* House of the Dead 4%
* Resident Evil: Apocalypse 21%
* Alone in the Dark 1%
* Doom 20%
* BloodRayne 4%
* Silent Hill 30% (I feel this score has a lot to do with the other films listed here)
* Resident Evil: Extinction 22%
* Hitman 15%
* In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale 4%
* Postal 8%
* Max Payne 19%
If Moore and Thorne were only smart enough to blatantly steal every plot point and scene from Leon the Professional, they'd have a movie that was just as inaccurate, but would have scored 73%.
Comments
I'm so glad I didn't waste $10 to see this movie.
On a good note I saw Burn After Reading on Tuesday and that movie fuckin' rocked.
I need to go back and read the rest of this post...sooo long.
Sorry about Max Payne
I guess I'm just confused. Why did you expect anything?
Final Fantasy with a 44%!?!? that movie is like a 3..
I think hitman would be like a 30%...
john woo should have done max payne, then and only then would you have the 2 guns blazing, 1000000 person body count thats in the game.
That movie was ass.
It's okay, the Dragon Ball movie is coming out for you real soon!
Dude, this nigga plays this one guy in real life named Jamie Hector and actually seems like a friendly guy who mentors children.