Ya I Got Somethin to Say

Well it's good to see some of this coming to a head.

There has been far too much silence and misery over all this. This conflict has been totally shadowed, leaving the only way of adaptation(at least for me) was to swallow it and move on. I'm glad now, at least, some honest words are being exchanged. Let's hope we can keep it that way.

I'm almost hesitant to write this (as basically everyone I've talked to about this knows). Partly because I'm not confident in in my writing ability at all, and this is an issue I want to be especially clear about. If only I could record my voice...

The other part about this that makes it difficult for me to even approach, is because this situation is so complicated, and surrounded by so much bullshit, and only now do I have any idea WHY- or that this, at all, is finally making any sense. Even if there's barely enough sense in this to run my fingers through.

BUT! but. There's always a but. There IS an amount to this I can focus on and at least address to you, Matt.

I almost don't know exactly where to start, and especially even less on where I should end this. But yes, I do have at least a couple things I KNOW I want to express to you and you must understand coming from me.

"And remember, at some point we were the only people we wanted to see every day."
This.

Matt, there has been a lot of interesting discussion with everyone since you've spoken. Even better, there has been two amazing posts by our very own Bryan and Brian regarding our group relationship. A lot of great and sincere words have been exchanged over the site and phone today. There are a lot of, I guess I should say, romantic concepts regarding the group and our friendship. I have to say I agree with it all one hundred percent. We are absolutely family in my eyes- all of us. I don't believe for a second that everything we've done, bonded over, cried over, went through, was for nothing and could just be destroyed. Brian said some really nice things:

"You guys are infinitely more fun than any other people I’ve hung out with"

"I can truly be myself in front of you"

"Relationships, friendships, whatever, have survived through a lot more."

So one, Matt, I need you to know that I believe in this, and we all do. I'm just trying very hard to hold on, and find this part of myself again in all this. I AM extending my hand of friendship to you. That must be made clear. But obviously it's not that simple for either of us, saying I believe in us all as people doesn't fix all the negativity or miscommunication.

So I guess that brings me to your issue. Or rather, your issue with me. I need to be honest and say it's hard for me to address this without getting too frustrated. I mean, I can, but you have to understand that one, I thought everything was fine up until one day I found out you had problems with the group, and since then we have effectively never seen each other again.

And the whole time I never really knew why. Until your post.

You may not be used to the idea because it's fairly obvious you've been living with it for a while, but your problem with me regarding you as somehow less then me, is not only totally off base, but is absolutely shocking to me, and because of this, seems fairly ludicrous. So I guess that's why I mentioned the problem is frustrating for me to address. I feel it's just so off base from how I really feel about you, it's just well, hard to think about. I can say with one hundred percent certainty I haven't felt this way you seem to believe I regard you as, since... jesus, probably early high school. I mean it would have to be since that initial fight we had a long time ago. I mean honestly ever since then when things were repaired I made a conscious effort to not come down on you when there wasn't a point to and/or it wasn't fair. I really don't look at you any different than I look at anybody else in the group as far as worth. I mean that is just the way it has been. So imagine how I feel when I read things like:

"You treat me like an idiot."
!?

"You really treat me like I’m stupid, like I don't know anything"
Why would you believe this?

"You don't see us as equals"
And how would you know this? It's apparent you can't.

That shit is hard to even copy paste. It's odd because I know I don't treat you any differently than I do anyone else when I have a chance to tease them, and even more so, BJ is admittingly the harshest when it comes behavior around you. The fact there is somehow a difference between BJ or I is something revealing you must admit, or otherwise take issue with him as well. I really hope I'm not coming off too aggressive about this. This honestly in my eyes must be reflected upon, for instance;

"As for Matt, I've always talked to him like he was basically retarded."

Now we know BJ doesn't mean this in the way that this could be taken, if say for instance, a stranger read it. We just somehow know that BJ means this in his own way of showing respect, and it would also be true. But let's pretend I had said it, you would admit that there is a difference, yes? Why?

The only thing I or anybody else can come up with, is that there is some kind of residual animosity left way over from early high school. It seems that maybe I was able to wholly accept you and move on, and perhaps you continued to harbor some kind of insecurity about us. I recognize there is a possibility even now that you don't believe me, but again I can say with all the confidence and honesty in my body that not only am I surprised to see this is how you have really felt all this time, but that your worries are totally unnecessary. Anybody else can and will back me up on this, if you so desired that validation from others.

So with this I have to say I am extending a hand of friendship and apology. But also understand that I cannot reach out that same hand to you, unless you are willing to meet me half way with your issue of insecurity. I imagine we could learn to be fine again, but I can't return trust to you as a friend if I know you are second guessing me. My devotion is whole. Just as you can't be friends with someone who feels that they are on some level higher than you, I cannot wholly be friends with someone in the reversed situation. Not that you would think you are below me, but I mean I can't be friend with someone who even regards himself as someone I believe is below me. We are all equal, always, and I cannot and never will be able to imagine it otherwise.

So, uh, I guess that's good for now...

(Also, Dante clean this up a bit if there's some real spelling/grammatical errors. It's two in the morning for me :p)