Lucio, Andrew, Travis and Doug

It’s been a long time since I last posted, a very very long time, and for good reason I suppose. I’m not sure why I feel like posting, well, maybe I do. I think it has something to do with what Bryan has been posting lately, I’ve learned more about him in the past few days than I’ve learned throughout all the time I’ve known him, which is since 7th or 8th grade, and for me that's a long time. What I read really shocked me, I felt like I knew nothing about him, I felt like a jerk for not knowing him better while I still call him “friend”. And then I thought to myself, if I know so little about someone who is so open and verbal, do any of you know who I really am? No, I don't think so. You know who I’ve become, but you don't know how or why I became that person, and knowing the how or why can reveal so much more about a person than simply knowing who they currently are. I’m going to tell you all this because I feel, now more than ever, that none of you really know who I am. Some of you might not care at this point, we aren’t really friends anymore, but because we were, at one point, I’ll write this.

I was born on April 12th 1987. I lived in Richmond with my parents and brother. Not a good town, as Lucio will tell you, but my parents did an excellent job of creating a safe and loving environment for me and my brother to grow up in. When I was little, I had no idea how ruff that town was, all I knew was that we weren’t allowed to go outside unless my parents were home. They never said it was dangerous or anything, we never felt threatened, that's just how it was. Because Richmond schools were bad my mom cheated the system and got me and nick into better schools that were outside of our district. As a result I grew up in somewhat of a bubble, I didn't know much about the world around me or the dangers. I was happy, I smiled all the time, I was shy but I was happy. I had a friend named Lucky, he was my best friend, but I never thought I was his best friend, so to me there was always this distance betweens us. He’s a lot like you Lucio, or at least he used to be, he had two moms, he loved music and played the drums. Life went on like that until the 6th grade; I went to Portola middle school and Lucky went to some other school somewhere else because his parents didn't want him going to Portola. That was the last time I saw him, oddly enough he goes to SFSU now too. Portola is the middle school for the whole Richmond area, I don't remember that much about it but my parents talk about how scary it was, how some of the kids looked like full-grown men and the girls dressed like hookers. I had fun there, I made friends with some older kids and we’d wrestle and play fight all the time. There was this one kid who tried to pick on me but every time he gave me shit id give it right back, we never came to blows. That's about as “ruff” as that school seemed to me. Even though I was fine, my parents feared for my life, so that summer we moved to Alameda.

At this point I still had my “safe bubble” mentality. I was very trusting of everyone, it never occurred to me that someone would try to seriously hurt me, physically of mentally. Travis was actually one of the first people I made friends with, the rest of you followed shortly after. But like I said, at this point I was still in my bubble, I laughed all the time. I remember being in class with Shey Steckel and Jay Tarantino (excuse my name butchering) and laughing uncontrollably. No one did anything funny or stupid; I just couldn’t stop my self from laughing, that's how I was back then, happy. Well, thanks to a certain someone that all came to a quick and abrupt stop. This person started spreading rumors about me, and before long everyone knew them. I’d go to class and people would make fun of me, draw fucked up pictures, say fucked up things. It drove me mad, and according to Emily Hylmen, it drove me to tears once. I didn't want to be Matt Sandy anymore; people would come up to me and ask “are you Matt Sandy?” and I’d say no, I wanted to disappear. The people I thought were my friends were the ones who started the rumor and ended up spreading it the most (I knew you guys back then but we weren’t really friends yet). My world collapsed on me, and I decided I would never let that happen again, from that moment forward I would no longer be a pussy, I was going to be the dick and fuck everyone (go Team America). That may not sound like much now, and honestly it doesn't, but to a trusting, shy, happy kid living in his little safe bubble, it was devastating. Overnight everyone became my enemy, and for a while I was completely and utterly defeated. But in true Sandy fashion, I donned me helmet and shield, raised me sword and said, “Bring it”. From that moment forward I did everything I could to be mean, to push people away. But, as you all know, I didn't push everyone away. I found my little group of friends and tried to have fun again. I trusted you guys enough to be myself, I could laugh and have fun with you guys, that's why I liked you guys so much, you could make me laugh, and back then, that meant a lot. So that's why I became a jerk, and through the rest of middle school and high school I continued acting that way. I say acting because in many ways it was an act, i was definitely angry at everyone, angry at the world, but it wasn't who I really was. But by acting that way I knew id be safe, I knew no one would be able to hurt me. By acting like that I learned who I was, I did a lot of soul searching in high school, I was obsessed with finding out who I was and what my purpose in life was. And little by little my two sides began to meld and I became a person I could be proud of. Someone strong and independent, but still able to have fun. And then I met Olivia.

Like I mentioned earlier, making me laugh is very important, that is more or less how I choose my friends, if you could make me laugh you were ok in my book. Kenny Boothbee, Darnell Chapmen, Dick Treat Booty (he was a kid in my math class, Travis should remember him), they all made me laugh and I liked them for that. Olivia was no different, she made me laugh, mostly at myself, which was refreshing, but she made me laugh, and I liked her for that. Little by little we spent more time together, and after a while she told me she liked me. I’ve got this weird thing you see, if a girl tells me they like me I start liking them too. So about a day after she told me, we started dating. The more time I spent with her the more I realized how happy she made me. All that hate and anger I felt toward everyone slowly started to subside. She made me whole again. She filled this void in me that had previously been filled with hate and anger with that love and joy I had lost long ago. She is someone I can trust with anything, unconditionally, and she has proven herself through out the years as someone who will stand by me no matter what. That was another criteria I had for choosing a friend, id see how long they could put up with me being a dick. Other than you guys, everyone failed. There were plenty of times when people would try to be nice to me, but they would just give up after a while. Every time, it never failed, they would always give up, and every time they did id think to myself, “I knew you couldn't be trusted, I knew you’d just give up on me”. But Olivia never did. Even through all the shit and drama with you guys, even when I was on your guy’s side and she was all alone, she stuck with me. She never gave up on me, even when you guys did, she didn't. That’s why I love her. And then you guys started to hate her. It started with Alyssa, we all know that, and ill be damned if I’m going to go back into that mess, but little by little you all started to take Alyssa’s side. Now you all hate her, or at least dislike her, with the sole exception being Bryan, although I can never know for sure the kind of stuff he says behind our backs. I’ll be honest, that definitely put a strain on our (me and you guys) friendship, but it’s not the reason we aren’t friends anymore. Olivia and me were both prepared and willing to deal with you guys hating her and still being my friends. Us not being friends anymore is due in part to you guys hating Olivia, but mostly due to some other things each and every one of you has done.

Travis: sometimes we are the best of friends, and sometimes we are the worst of enemies. We’ve had a falling out before, and I think this time it is for the same reasons. You treat me like an idiot. You really treat me like I’m stupid, like I don't know anything. As a result you act like you’re better than me and know better than me in just about everything. You don't see us as equals, and it’s hard to be true friends with someone when they act like that. The defining moment, the final straw so to speak, was back when we were all trying to film that movie together. You disregarded everything I said as if I was a child. It was like you wouldn't even entertain the idea that I might know how to do something you don't know how to do. You wouldn't even explain to me what it was you thought I couldn’t do, as if I wasn't worth your time. You ruined something that I really loved doing with all of you. I loved making movies with you guys, I loved happy pills, and the thing I loved most was that they were done by us, and only us. Everything we did was with our own skill and ingenuity, we grew together as a group, and to me that was something to be proud of. But you tried to take that away by getting other people to do our jobs for us. And that one night when we talked about it on the longboards, you pretended to understand, but then turned around and called me naïve behind my back. The point to happy pills was never to be the best, but to do our best and be proud of what we did together as a group. You got so caught up in being number one you forgot why we filmed in the first place, we did it because it was fun and we loved doing it, we did it to make ourselves and others laugh, being number one was always a nice bonus, but it wasn't our goal. Your condescending attitude has always been there, I think that was why we fought back in high school. It has only gotten worse with age, it's a part of who you are, I don't expect you to change or want you to, I just cant be your friend anymore because of it.

Andrew: I feel like you were an unnecessary casualty in all of this. I don't hate you, far from it, id like to still call you friend. But under the circumstances, I know that isn’t possible. I don't blame you for not talking to me or anything like that, honestly id be very surprised if we were still in contact after all that has happened. To my knowledge, I have no reason to dislike you, so for now, my door is still open to you if you ever need anything.

Doug: I’m not sure what’s happened between us. You don't talk to me anymore, and I don't know if that's because you've sided with Alyssa in all of this or if its because you just aren’t really in contact with anyone right now. I could easily imagine you getting so caught up with school and your career that you just don't talk to any of us anymore. It’s hard for me to tell, I feel like your silence is a hint that you don't want anything to do with me anymore, or maybe not. You're my friend, so I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you’re too busy to hang out, but because of all that's happened within the group and my suspicious nature I feel like you've given up on me. It doesn't look like you read this site much anymore so maybe ill just call you soon. It’d be nice if we were still cool; I’ve got some projects id like your help with. But until I know for sure where you stand, my door is open.

Lucio: Haven’t seen you since we last talked, its been a while. You said we were still friends, I believed you, I believed you’d drop by every once in a while, say hi if you were in town for a couple of days or something, I guess not. Id like to say the same to you as I did about Doug, that you have just been too busy, or maybe you just haven’t been around, but I can’t. You have been around, according to Brian you've been around pretty often this summer (no, I don't know how often that has been exactly, the point is you have been around). No, I don't expect you to come hang with me every time you show up; I know you don't come to Alameda to see me. What bugged me a little was after our talk I called you looking for Brian’s number, and the way you responded to me, it sounded like you really didn't want to talk to me. Also, Brian said it bugged you when I told Alyssa off. So the phone call, me thinking you were upset with me and the ensuing silence led me to believe you were done with me too. Am I wrong? Can you blame me for believing that? It didn't really bother me until the other day, I was re-reading some of the old posts and I read the one you posted in April 2004, the first time I walked out on the group. In one part you said, “You guys are all my friends. There is no way I could ever take sides among friends in such a double-sided issue”, I read that and I felt really sad, because I thought to myself “what happened to that?” You said that then, and you said that the last time we talked, and in both times it was inspiring. I felt like I had a really good friend in you, now I’m not so sure. I can’t blame you, I’m not the best friend to have, and there were many times where I was kinda sad for you, sad because we weren’t your LA friends. I think my point is, if this is a misunderstanding, id like to talk to you again to clear it up, and if its not a misunderstanding, then you don't really have to do anything, your silence will be answer enough.

But the thing that bothers me the most is none of you seem to think I’m in charge of my own life anymore. I hear that you all think Olivia is controlling me. Could any of you diss me any harder than that? Its like none of you know me, now you see why I started with who I am. I’m no ones’ puppet, I make my own decisions, and as you can see, I have reasons for walking out on some of you, Olivia being a very small part of that. I just can’t believe that none of you think I’m in control of my own life anymore. I know who I am, I’ve known since high school, the only thing Olivia has changed is how happy I am. I say this to anyone who believes that Olivia is controlling or manipulating me, FUCK YOU, I’m ashamed to say we were ever friends.

Well, that about covers it. Travis, it was fun while it lasted, good luck, you’ll make a good director. Andrew, Doug and Lucio, it’d be nice to see you guys again, but if not good luck in your lives. Consider this my final farewell to those I’ll never see again, we may not be friends now, but we were at one point, I believe that deserves at least this much.