Dialogue, And Why It's Important
It would be difficult not to notice recently my very (many times to the point of unattractive) revealing look at myself. I've posted a couple of pieces from my philosophy classes that I feel are particularly revealing about my personality and how I came to be the way I am: my midterm showed the less pretty, more analytical way of how I look at people and the way I think they work, while my final was a showcase for some of my most deeply-ingrained personality defects. I then as you all have probably seen took a nice portion of some writing I did five years ago and took the axe to myself rather unsparingly I think. This was surprisingly fun to do and something I think I will do again very soon. All of this has felt exceedingly natural to me; as a teenager, I think I spent so much time lying about so many things that the truth, whether it's particularly palatable or not, has become a source of extreme attraction for me. I fucking love straight honesty about things; I think secrets and mistruths and whatnot have their uses, certainly, but I think in the end, coming through with a straight shot is less painful and certainly less arduous than crafting a lie and then maintaining it. When I'm telling the truth, I don't have to remember my skewed version of a particular story because it's not skewed.
This has apparently recently had a positive effect on a few people, most notably Matt Sandy, who was inspired to write a response/follow up from his own perspective. It's well-known of course that there is and has been a rift in the group; it's why you don't see Matt hanging around and why when he and I go paintballing we don't exactly have a squad. To steal a phrase from Opie (of Opie and Anthony), this is Bryan Thaxton, the actor who plays Dante on Inferno Cafe, and I'm going to break down the fourth wall for a second. I think we all know deep down inside that we all have the capacity to be friends. Stand back because this one may shock you: I love Matt Sandy, just as much as I do you guys. You are the greatest group of friends I could ever ask for, for a variety of reasons. And we've had some LEGENDARY squabbles in the past, on this site, on the once-active forum, in real life. Our internal battles should be taken down in history because they have been absolutely brutal. As you can see from my prior posts, I have absolutely no problem admitting just how much of a tool I was as a teenager and probably still am to some degree. I feel no shame whatsoever in admitting it, only in being it. And you all know that you have been in varying degrees too, all except Lucio, who is the most beautiful human being ever conceived.
When the group originally split I was right along side everyone as staunchly anti-Olivia (although I've always been a waffle by nature and whenever we talked one on one about the way things are I actually did sympathize with her quite a bit) and as a result was out on my ass with Matt. This happened a while ago, and for some time I took the high horse approach of "I am 100% right about this, fuck him" mentality. But here's the thing with Matt and I. Maybe it's the Assassins writing project, which I've always felt only he loved equally to myself. Maybe it's just that we've been friends too long for stupid bullshit to fuck up our friendship. Or maybe I wasn't 100% right and was essentially being bullheaded to make myself feel better about something. But I hit the point where I realized that, for at least myself, my friendship with him was more important than feeling right. The loss simply outweighed the benefits, which were slim; I missed him and the good times and conversations we'd had together. I missed Nick Sandy, who is probably my favorite sibling of a friend ever ever ever. I missed the rest of his family, who let's face it, is pretty damn awesome. I even missed Olivia, which was kind of surprising to me because I had built her as the enemy in my mind. So I went to Matt and we just talked. We talked for easily a couple hours about the way shit happened.
And I apologized. I apologized for everything that was fucked up that was my fault, I apologized for things I still wasn't ready to admit to myself were probably more my fault than his or Olivia's, I apologized and explained my viewpoint and how it got twisted as it was passed between people (as so often occurs when you hear things second-hand). I threw myself on the sword because my pride to me is not worth more than a friendship, and in the end being righteous about an issue to me isn't worth trashing something of such value.
After so thoroughly analyzing myself in these past few posts I've come to realize just how much about myself I hadn't really acknowledged before, how little I consciously knew me. And this made me apply that thought to my friends, and how little I just might know of them. In general I feel like I know Travis really well; he's one of those people that literally pulls the honesty out of me. I will say when hanging out with him I tend to me more of a show than I am in reality; I'm not sure why this is, but I think I put on an extra coat of crazy just because it's fun and seems to be well-received. I feel connected to Travis on a level I don't really feel as strongly as the others. I feel like we're brothers-in-arms in terms of our life situation. A lot of what happens to him, I live vicariously, and vice-versa. I tell him everything that happens in my life - good, bad, ugly. And while this is true of most of you, he's the one I tell first - and usually in the most detail. If I need advice on an issue in terms of relationships, or just someone to bounce ideas off of that don't have to do with writing - he's my go to friend, without a doubt. When it comes to girls, Travis' opinion of who I'm with or who I'm thinking about going for is more important than anyone else's I know. And this is because of this friendship. For me, our friendship is to the point where if I am going through bad times, I am able to look at the situation as something I will be able to impart onto him to help him avoid it, and I feel like he does the same.
I'm going to be really honest in regards to Andrew - I feel like I've been your friend for a very long time and out of everyone I know you the least. I know you're a person I can have these conversations about because we've had some really good and really interesting conversations in the past. But if someone asked me to describe you I would be at a loss for how to provide an apt description. I know that your sense of humor is about on par with mine - you are just as good at trading cringe jokes as I am, and I really love that about you. I love that I can say something so past the point of fucked up and know that you will laugh at it precisely because of that. I don't get that feeling quite as strong with anyone else, and for that reason alone I value my friendship with you. I know I can count on you in a given situation to be selfless and helpful. I just wish there was more beyond that that I did know.
Lucio I've felt is like the pure version of me - the one uncorrupted by cynicism or pessimism. You are the standard for a good human being, and one I try to hold myself to as much as I can. You have ALWAYS been the best of all of us, barring no situation. You've always held us together as a group. Reading on my old posts I realized just how much you covered my ass for me by making what I was saying prettier and more acceptable in my defense, which you never had to do. I think if you asked everyone in the group who their favorite person was, everyone would say you. I've never, EVER seen you fight with anyone, even when they so asked for it. Your writing is consistently at a standard I try to match and exceed, and I hope you feel similarly. I feel like of everyone, no one has been in touch with his own feelings and beliefs more than you or as long. You're the closest thing to a self-actualized person I've ever met. Your level of maturity has always been reaches beyond the rest of us, which probably explains why we've used you so often for parenting and why we all look up to you. Notice how my compliments of you partway reflect on myself since I inserted myself as being almost just like you at the beginning of this. What an ass I am XD
Alyssa and I have definitely come to our battles in the past but at this point I think she's a very good friend. I would say that similarly to Travis, she provokes honest statements from me, and I am guaranteed to speak my mind around her or Travis whether what I think is pretty or not. More often than not, it's something horrifying for the point of comedy. I think you and Travis have probably seen the least filtered version of me: I have a dirty, depraved sense of humor and love to use details as way of enhancing this. I think only Andrew's laugh comes as close to being as satisfying as hearing yours is. You have a tendency similar to both him and Travis to bring my confidence to its highest levels, and a lot of my own self-therapy in regards to being more outspoken and honest has been worked out because of my time with you. There's nothing I can think of that I would be hesitant to bring up with you because you've consistently been part of my most receptive audience. Your reactions to my epic stories are priceless. I will say that between you and Matt, I honestly can say I don't know the full story. I don't know why you two can't get along, I don't know what the issue is between you, but I'd like to think it can be resolved, though I haven't seen evidence of that yet. I think your conflict is central the group one - this is the elephant in the room that keeps the group from totally reforming. Like I said, I'm not sure how to fix this situation; but that fact that it remains broken is lamentable.
Doug Pan, I feel you always have been and always will be my intellectual superior. And not in the begrudging way; I've looked up to your level of knowledge on topics for a long time. Few things quite excite me as much as introducing you to something you haven't read before and having you like it. You've introduced me to countless fucking things that I've loved. Your personality in general is fascinating to me since it seems to be the polar opposite of my own, at least in terms of romanticism. Seeing you completely untouched by the idea of a relationship is literally alien to me, and something that I think paved the way for grounding my own idea of the way romanticism works. Before I really knew you, as you can see, I was ridiculously over the top with romantic gesticulation, and to be brutally honest, I would probably still be that way if you hadn't introduced a down to my up. I can't even recall how many intelligent conversations with you I've had, and you always renew me with a desire to stay on my toes mentally because of this. Most people in the group I view as my equal, but you are one of the ones I look up to, and always will be. For Godssakes, do you remember that legendary six hour debate you, I and Travis had after seeing No Country? That shit was epic.
Brian Roper is the kind of friend where even though I've seen him substantially less than the rest of you, I still feel is equal in terms of friendship. In terms of taste, we seem to always have something in common, which is so goddamn refreshing I can't even tell you. Before Lucio got hooked, he was my only source of blabbing about The Wire, and that alone was cathartic in its own right. You are always someone I can have a good conversation with, which is more important than one might think. You're also someone I have way too much fun drinking with, for example the night we saw Wall-E XD. You consistently show up at the events I host, like the trip to see Jim Norton, and seeing as how YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THAT that you by default get 40,000,000 bonus points. I feel like you should be around more so I can say more good things about you. If you end up destroying your mind, I will kill your body. You know what I'm talking about, motherfucker :P
As for Matt, I've always talked to him like he was basically retarded. He has a way with social gaffes and easy to avoid verbal mistakes that has always made it really easy. But I've also known, as I think he's realized, that for a while I've realized him to be a lot more intelligent and deep-thinking than his outer appearance gives off. When I rag on him for saying something dumb, I think we both realize that it isn't indicative of his true nature, and just his unintended way of opening himself to comedy. And in this sense he has increasingly had a better and better sense of humor about himself. When we were in 7th grade, if you made a gay joke about Matt he would punch you in the face. Nowadays, he will completely be in on the joke and maybe even throw in a gay mannerism to increase the humor of the situation. This is one of my favorite things about Matt. In regards to my writing, he is the one I go to first with all things Assassin. I trust his opinion on things in equal regard to my own, which is a bigger statement than you might realize. His view on a lot of issues has always been expressed somehow both subtly and bluntly and many of them have had a strong impact on my own. Most memorably, I remember at one point I was on a jag about how I hated hypocrites and he just turned and said, "Everyone's a hypocrite sometimes." And goddamnit, I didn't realize just how right he was about that. I've been a hypocrite a thousand times, and have been able to grow because of recognizing it. As an artist, I feel like I have my most honest conversations about my writing with him, and I've really bonded with him on that level because of his own method of expression, drawing. He's on a short list of people who've read all of the work I've done on Assassins, and on the even shorter list of people who know where the story is going as much as I do. Actually, he is that latter list.
It strikes me all of the sudden that this seems to be a heavy Matt appreciation post, but I hope you are taking it in the spirit in which it's intended. My point is, if you know Matt, chances are you know exactly about everything I've mentioned. You know that he's a hardass who seems on the outside to be rather dense; but once you've known him for awhile, I think you come to realize how much of that isn't the real truth. We all fucking know he's prone to saying or doing things that people can take the wrong way; we all are. I think if you're anything like me, you probably know that under all the bullshit that you probably miss him as a friend too. Maybe not, I could certainly be wrong. But I feel like we're older than this, you know? I feel like this is something we should have resolved in one fashion or another a long time ago. And to be honest, I'm really sick of the politics of this situation.
I know everyone has most likely been waiting for someone else to take the first step. So here's my statement: I've said more fucked up shit about myself in the last post I did than anyone here has said about anyone else. I've gone way over the top on the brutality scale, past the point of excessive and more onto "needless" territory. And I've posted it for all to see, my past in its horrific splendor. Now at the risk of sounding blowhardy, if I can do this, I think you, casual reader can too. And not even to my degree. Because the truth is we've all said and thought things that were mean, and in the end not even based in fact in many cases. I think a long, honest conversation to decide where everyone is at is something everyone should at least attempt. It's obviously not mandatory, but in my opinion this thing has gone on long enough. And remember, at some point we were the only people we wanted to see every day.
Alright, this concludes my grandstanding. Feel completely free to totally disagree; I understand that angle too.
This has apparently recently had a positive effect on a few people, most notably Matt Sandy, who was inspired to write a response/follow up from his own perspective. It's well-known of course that there is and has been a rift in the group; it's why you don't see Matt hanging around and why when he and I go paintballing we don't exactly have a squad. To steal a phrase from Opie (of Opie and Anthony), this is Bryan Thaxton, the actor who plays Dante on Inferno Cafe, and I'm going to break down the fourth wall for a second. I think we all know deep down inside that we all have the capacity to be friends. Stand back because this one may shock you: I love Matt Sandy, just as much as I do you guys. You are the greatest group of friends I could ever ask for, for a variety of reasons. And we've had some LEGENDARY squabbles in the past, on this site, on the once-active forum, in real life. Our internal battles should be taken down in history because they have been absolutely brutal. As you can see from my prior posts, I have absolutely no problem admitting just how much of a tool I was as a teenager and probably still am to some degree. I feel no shame whatsoever in admitting it, only in being it. And you all know that you have been in varying degrees too, all except Lucio, who is the most beautiful human being ever conceived.
When the group originally split I was right along side everyone as staunchly anti-Olivia (although I've always been a waffle by nature and whenever we talked one on one about the way things are I actually did sympathize with her quite a bit) and as a result was out on my ass with Matt. This happened a while ago, and for some time I took the high horse approach of "I am 100% right about this, fuck him" mentality. But here's the thing with Matt and I. Maybe it's the Assassins writing project, which I've always felt only he loved equally to myself. Maybe it's just that we've been friends too long for stupid bullshit to fuck up our friendship. Or maybe I wasn't 100% right and was essentially being bullheaded to make myself feel better about something. But I hit the point where I realized that, for at least myself, my friendship with him was more important than feeling right. The loss simply outweighed the benefits, which were slim; I missed him and the good times and conversations we'd had together. I missed Nick Sandy, who is probably my favorite sibling of a friend ever ever ever. I missed the rest of his family, who let's face it, is pretty damn awesome. I even missed Olivia, which was kind of surprising to me because I had built her as the enemy in my mind. So I went to Matt and we just talked. We talked for easily a couple hours about the way shit happened.
And I apologized. I apologized for everything that was fucked up that was my fault, I apologized for things I still wasn't ready to admit to myself were probably more my fault than his or Olivia's, I apologized and explained my viewpoint and how it got twisted as it was passed between people (as so often occurs when you hear things second-hand). I threw myself on the sword because my pride to me is not worth more than a friendship, and in the end being righteous about an issue to me isn't worth trashing something of such value.
After so thoroughly analyzing myself in these past few posts I've come to realize just how much about myself I hadn't really acknowledged before, how little I consciously knew me. And this made me apply that thought to my friends, and how little I just might know of them. In general I feel like I know Travis really well; he's one of those people that literally pulls the honesty out of me. I will say when hanging out with him I tend to me more of a show than I am in reality; I'm not sure why this is, but I think I put on an extra coat of crazy just because it's fun and seems to be well-received. I feel connected to Travis on a level I don't really feel as strongly as the others. I feel like we're brothers-in-arms in terms of our life situation. A lot of what happens to him, I live vicariously, and vice-versa. I tell him everything that happens in my life - good, bad, ugly. And while this is true of most of you, he's the one I tell first - and usually in the most detail. If I need advice on an issue in terms of relationships, or just someone to bounce ideas off of that don't have to do with writing - he's my go to friend, without a doubt. When it comes to girls, Travis' opinion of who I'm with or who I'm thinking about going for is more important than anyone else's I know. And this is because of this friendship. For me, our friendship is to the point where if I am going through bad times, I am able to look at the situation as something I will be able to impart onto him to help him avoid it, and I feel like he does the same.
I'm going to be really honest in regards to Andrew - I feel like I've been your friend for a very long time and out of everyone I know you the least. I know you're a person I can have these conversations about because we've had some really good and really interesting conversations in the past. But if someone asked me to describe you I would be at a loss for how to provide an apt description. I know that your sense of humor is about on par with mine - you are just as good at trading cringe jokes as I am, and I really love that about you. I love that I can say something so past the point of fucked up and know that you will laugh at it precisely because of that. I don't get that feeling quite as strong with anyone else, and for that reason alone I value my friendship with you. I know I can count on you in a given situation to be selfless and helpful. I just wish there was more beyond that that I did know.
Lucio I've felt is like the pure version of me - the one uncorrupted by cynicism or pessimism. You are the standard for a good human being, and one I try to hold myself to as much as I can. You have ALWAYS been the best of all of us, barring no situation. You've always held us together as a group. Reading on my old posts I realized just how much you covered my ass for me by making what I was saying prettier and more acceptable in my defense, which you never had to do. I think if you asked everyone in the group who their favorite person was, everyone would say you. I've never, EVER seen you fight with anyone, even when they so asked for it. Your writing is consistently at a standard I try to match and exceed, and I hope you feel similarly. I feel like of everyone, no one has been in touch with his own feelings and beliefs more than you or as long. You're the closest thing to a self-actualized person I've ever met. Your level of maturity has always been reaches beyond the rest of us, which probably explains why we've used you so often for parenting and why we all look up to you. Notice how my compliments of you partway reflect on myself since I inserted myself as being almost just like you at the beginning of this. What an ass I am XD
Alyssa and I have definitely come to our battles in the past but at this point I think she's a very good friend. I would say that similarly to Travis, she provokes honest statements from me, and I am guaranteed to speak my mind around her or Travis whether what I think is pretty or not. More often than not, it's something horrifying for the point of comedy. I think you and Travis have probably seen the least filtered version of me: I have a dirty, depraved sense of humor and love to use details as way of enhancing this. I think only Andrew's laugh comes as close to being as satisfying as hearing yours is. You have a tendency similar to both him and Travis to bring my confidence to its highest levels, and a lot of my own self-therapy in regards to being more outspoken and honest has been worked out because of my time with you. There's nothing I can think of that I would be hesitant to bring up with you because you've consistently been part of my most receptive audience. Your reactions to my epic stories are priceless. I will say that between you and Matt, I honestly can say I don't know the full story. I don't know why you two can't get along, I don't know what the issue is between you, but I'd like to think it can be resolved, though I haven't seen evidence of that yet. I think your conflict is central the group one - this is the elephant in the room that keeps the group from totally reforming. Like I said, I'm not sure how to fix this situation; but that fact that it remains broken is lamentable.
Doug Pan, I feel you always have been and always will be my intellectual superior. And not in the begrudging way; I've looked up to your level of knowledge on topics for a long time. Few things quite excite me as much as introducing you to something you haven't read before and having you like it. You've introduced me to countless fucking things that I've loved. Your personality in general is fascinating to me since it seems to be the polar opposite of my own, at least in terms of romanticism. Seeing you completely untouched by the idea of a relationship is literally alien to me, and something that I think paved the way for grounding my own idea of the way romanticism works. Before I really knew you, as you can see, I was ridiculously over the top with romantic gesticulation, and to be brutally honest, I would probably still be that way if you hadn't introduced a down to my up. I can't even recall how many intelligent conversations with you I've had, and you always renew me with a desire to stay on my toes mentally because of this. Most people in the group I view as my equal, but you are one of the ones I look up to, and always will be. For Godssakes, do you remember that legendary six hour debate you, I and Travis had after seeing No Country? That shit was epic.
Brian Roper is the kind of friend where even though I've seen him substantially less than the rest of you, I still feel is equal in terms of friendship. In terms of taste, we seem to always have something in common, which is so goddamn refreshing I can't even tell you. Before Lucio got hooked, he was my only source of blabbing about The Wire, and that alone was cathartic in its own right. You are always someone I can have a good conversation with, which is more important than one might think. You're also someone I have way too much fun drinking with, for example the night we saw Wall-E XD. You consistently show up at the events I host, like the trip to see Jim Norton, and seeing as how YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THAT that you by default get 40,000,000 bonus points. I feel like you should be around more so I can say more good things about you. If you end up destroying your mind, I will kill your body. You know what I'm talking about, motherfucker :P
As for Matt, I've always talked to him like he was basically retarded. He has a way with social gaffes and easy to avoid verbal mistakes that has always made it really easy. But I've also known, as I think he's realized, that for a while I've realized him to be a lot more intelligent and deep-thinking than his outer appearance gives off. When I rag on him for saying something dumb, I think we both realize that it isn't indicative of his true nature, and just his unintended way of opening himself to comedy. And in this sense he has increasingly had a better and better sense of humor about himself. When we were in 7th grade, if you made a gay joke about Matt he would punch you in the face. Nowadays, he will completely be in on the joke and maybe even throw in a gay mannerism to increase the humor of the situation. This is one of my favorite things about Matt. In regards to my writing, he is the one I go to first with all things Assassin. I trust his opinion on things in equal regard to my own, which is a bigger statement than you might realize. His view on a lot of issues has always been expressed somehow both subtly and bluntly and many of them have had a strong impact on my own. Most memorably, I remember at one point I was on a jag about how I hated hypocrites and he just turned and said, "Everyone's a hypocrite sometimes." And goddamnit, I didn't realize just how right he was about that. I've been a hypocrite a thousand times, and have been able to grow because of recognizing it. As an artist, I feel like I have my most honest conversations about my writing with him, and I've really bonded with him on that level because of his own method of expression, drawing. He's on a short list of people who've read all of the work I've done on Assassins, and on the even shorter list of people who know where the story is going as much as I do. Actually, he is that latter list.
It strikes me all of the sudden that this seems to be a heavy Matt appreciation post, but I hope you are taking it in the spirit in which it's intended. My point is, if you know Matt, chances are you know exactly about everything I've mentioned. You know that he's a hardass who seems on the outside to be rather dense; but once you've known him for awhile, I think you come to realize how much of that isn't the real truth. We all fucking know he's prone to saying or doing things that people can take the wrong way; we all are. I think if you're anything like me, you probably know that under all the bullshit that you probably miss him as a friend too. Maybe not, I could certainly be wrong. But I feel like we're older than this, you know? I feel like this is something we should have resolved in one fashion or another a long time ago. And to be honest, I'm really sick of the politics of this situation.
I know everyone has most likely been waiting for someone else to take the first step. So here's my statement: I've said more fucked up shit about myself in the last post I did than anyone here has said about anyone else. I've gone way over the top on the brutality scale, past the point of excessive and more onto "needless" territory. And I've posted it for all to see, my past in its horrific splendor. Now at the risk of sounding blowhardy, if I can do this, I think you, casual reader can too. And not even to my degree. Because the truth is we've all said and thought things that were mean, and in the end not even based in fact in many cases. I think a long, honest conversation to decide where everyone is at is something everyone should at least attempt. It's obviously not mandatory, but in my opinion this thing has gone on long enough. And remember, at some point we were the only people we wanted to see every day.
Alright, this concludes my grandstanding. Feel completely free to totally disagree; I understand that angle too.
Comments
And I am back. Maybe we could speaker phone Lucio into the Conversation? lol