Untitled
Bleacher Boys
I am going to be completely honest: I really did not want to write anything. After reading what others wrote, and after having numerous heartfelt discussions with the people involved, I was left feeling as though anything I could produce would fail utterly at being able to truly convey my feelings and thoughts concerning the matter at hand. There are really only two reasons that I am writing at all:
Firstly, for all my humility (i.e. self-degradation), the conversations I've had with people over the last couple days since Matt's posting have convinced me that perhaps my intervention or wayward advice is needed now, for the sake of my beloved Bleacher Boys. Every now and then, after all, I am fortunate enough to be granted the ability to express a viewpoint that many of my friends agree with.
Secondly, I would have said something to Matt, at some point in the future anyway, if for no other reason than that his comment about my silence being "answer enough" left me feeling guilty and hurt.
A brief disclaimer of sorts: this post is, for all intents and purposes, directed toward Matt alone. However, it cannot be private, since I don't really have any other way of getting in touch with him, and because I believe that private conversations are what this is largely about. So for everyone else, feel free to read. If it helps you to sort your own thoughts, then I will be happy that I've done what I can.
Mathew Sandy:
I don't really know where to begin, but I feel it would be best to save you the agony of reading every word I've written and answer, straightforward and honestly, the most simple and basic question:
Yes, I still love you and I still consider you a friend and brother in heart.
However, I must confess, this does not mean that I am in a hurry to reconnect and rekindle our friendship. In spite of it all, I do not at this point in time believe that we can ever be the friends I once thought we were. I cannot say for sure if I have changed much, but I do feel that, as you pointed out, you are certainly not the friend I thought I had, all those years ago.
I do not remember how we met and I don't much care to remember anyway. What I do remember is that, for a long time, you were a part of my life, the same as the other Bleacher Boys. I remember having a great deal of admiration and respect for you, because of how passionate and focused you were when you wanted something. A soldier of fortune who made his own luck through sheer tenacity. I do not recall, in all the time I've known you, many desires that you were unable to see come to fruition, in one form or another. It has always been something I wish I had enough confidence to emulate, but never could. Even though you picked goals that I might not have chosen, I was always proud of you, even if I didn't say so.
I remember the laughs too. God, do I remember those. Laughing with you was always great, because like the rest of the Bleacher Boys, the laughter fed off of itself, and even the smallest thing could be hilarious for hours, days, sometimes weeks. Even now, I will remember things we laughed about, and it will still make me smile and chuckle. I don't even think I need to mention the Berserk outtakes, but I will anyway, in the hopes that it might make you think of us (not just me) and smile.
I do not remember how or when I began to dislike Olivia as your girlfriend, but that is something I would like to know, because it almost seems as though it happened without me realizing it.
I will tell you something that I believe all of the Bleacher Boys know, but that has probably not gotten around to you. It's a bit of a long story, but I will try to keep it short, since I think it might help for you to know it.
After I'd moved here, I quickly discovered that despite it being one of the singular reasons I had chosen to move, making friends was as strange and foreign to me as it ever was. For months, I was alone, and kept to myself, and while I found the growing isolation to actually be soothing at times, I felt that it wouldn't do for me to abandon trying to make friends.
Then I met a girl named Laura Mahutga.
I will admit, right now, that she spoiled me completely; there was no attempt in the beginning to be her friend on my part. Once she got to know me through work, she wanted me to hang out outside of work. Soon enough, invitations to hang out turned into messages consisting of, "You should come over tonight," to, "You should just spend the night." Laura and I became friends because she made it happen, and though I love her for it now, I must admit that I would not have made a similar effort when we first started talking.
Over the course of several months, we became closer and closer, and similar to all of my close friends, there was a certain level of candidness and genuine good humor to her that I adored. Arguing with her felt as fun as agreeing with her, though like Travis she could sometimes be a bit sure of herself. Nevertheless, I was excited that I had made such a good friend when I had been so sure that I would never be able to do so again, the Bleacher Boys and The Spot (my Los Angeles friends) having spoiled my thoroughly.
Then Tom came along.
Tom and Laura started dating some time back in early February of this year, if my memory serves me correctly. As soon as they had admitted that they liked one another, and began to date, she began to have less and less time for me. This was when I became aware of just how much effort Laura had put into our friendship. Almost suddenly, I was alone again. She wasn't calling me almost every day anymore, and the only times I saw her were at work. I don't know if I ever told her, but that first month or so was quite heartbreaking for me, because I began to feel as though this wonderful friend I'd made had been lost because of a new and more exciting relationship she had found. I felt cast aside, but not angry. I couldn't be angry at the happiness of a friend, and so, in that justification of my "discarding" (I don't mean it to sound quite so dramatic, but that was how it felt back then, from time to time), I began to feel low and almost worthless.
I believe it was shortly after that, that I heard about what you said, or rather texted, to Alyssa.
I don't know what it was verbatim, but I believe that it equated roughly to: "You are a selfish bitch, and I don't want to associate with people like you."
Matt, I will tell you, in all honesty, my heart broke even more when I heard that.
To me, the Bleacher Boys had always been a collection of misfits. We were the group of people who didn't fit in anywhere else, not really, not fully. We were the people who were lucky enough to find one another through chance and circumstance. I freely admit that in my youth, particularly during those first two years of high school when I was a brooding and emotionally charged adolescent (not much has changed), I did compare the Bleacher Boys to The Spot, who were on the same emotional wavelength as me at the time. I could talk freely and openly about things that were important to me with them, but I couldn't really with the younger Bleacher Boys. Believe it or not, Travis was at one point unbearable to be around, and I actually went about a month not wanting to see or hang out with him.
At the core of the Bleacher Boys, for me anyway, is family. It is why, even though I was frustrated with Travis, I realized that my love for him and his love for me was not diminished despite the disagreement he did not know we were having. You don't chose for your family, and for me, at least, I don't choose my friends. At the very least, I don't chose to abandon them. If I have ever told anyone I love them, and if I have ever offered someone my friendship, our ties are never truly severed. Many families go years at a time without seeing one another, and for me and my friends, I carry the same standard.
I have had the amazing opportunity, I feel, to watch the Bleacher Boys all grow as individuals. I hit that emotional and thoughtful level first, I often feel (with the possible exception being BJ), and so I feel truly blessed that I got to watch you all gradually come out of your shells. Many of you have surpassed me, in fact, and I couldn't be more proud to be a part of a group that has become something far greater than itself.
We are all so similar, yet we are all so unique. We all bring something different to the table and we all make this wonderful group of people possible, with every little idiosyncrasy that gets added to the mix. Also at the core of it, we all share very similar values and standards for how we love one another.
"You are a selfish bitch and I don't want to associate with people like you."
One of the very first things I thought when I first heard that was, "I am like Alyssa."
I am going to draw a parallel, and I am going to assume you can see it: I had made a wonderful new friend who I connected with in a new way, even through the similarities to old relationships. It felt good, because here was another person who got me, in the group of the relative few. We had some great, special, and meaningful times together that I will never forget. Then, as if from nowhere, it was suddenly gone. Suddenly, I wasn't as special to this person as I thought I was. The nature of our relationships were different, but the new one took precedent over mine. I felt alone again. More than that, I felt disposable.
And then I discovered that something sacred and unbreakable in my heart, had been chipped significantly.
You pointed out that I once wrote: "You guys are all my friends. There is no way I could ever take sides among friends in such a double-sided issue." I admit it freely that in this case regarding Alyssa, I did take sides. I went against something I once said, and for that, I am sorry. However, I hope that it's a bit clearer now that when I did, the issue was no longer as double-sided.
I love Alyssa, and the bottom line is that you hurt her. I don't know if you've ever acknowledged it or even confronted it (or even cared to), but, to the best of my knowledge, you hurt her more than anyone within the Bleacher Boys has ever hurt another member. For a long time, it was easy to be neutral, because I couldn't truly understand what it was she was going through. After my experience with Laura, I could suddenly understand that level of hurt.
Tom is a great guy. He's good to Laura, seems genuinely affectionate, and from what I can gather, they seem like a good match. But he is still insecure. There are times when he will "joke" about Laura and I having something more than friendship, and even now, if I had to guess, I imagine he would prefer she spend less time with me (what little time we spend these days, anyway). I cannot fault him for his insecurities, but it hurts to know that, in keeping with my own stupid sense of nobility, I must keep Laura at a certain distance now, because I do not want to hurt their relationship, or make Tom feel that his insecurities are valid. I love her too much for that.
I do not know Olivia. Back when she was still around, I often felt like she was hiding herself from us, keeping things hidden, and perhaps that was what bothered me most. Within the Bleacher Boys, honesty and openness was something that I watched cultivate itself over many years, and become a core tenet. Certainly a boyfriend or girlfriend is not expected to open up completely to the other's friends, but given the Bleacher Boy level of friendship, her presence always felt comparably plastic.
Frankly, I do not care to conjecture as to Olivia's true nature or self any further than this. Despite my dislike for her, I feel it would be in bad taste to do so about someone who I am sure I barely know.
Here is what I do feel to be true, however, and what I feel you have not ever really acknowledged:
Olivia changed things. No, she does not control you like a puppeteer (realizing this actually made your behavior more disappointing at times), but her presence has affected the Bleacher Boys, and your priorities in some truly dramatic ways. Would such a falling out have happened if she had not present? The truth is, we can never know, but it did happen after she became a part of the picture.
This is not to say that your priorities are wrong in any way. That you have found someone who loves you as much as you say Olivia does, and that you feel the same for her, is something truly special. You two are devoted to one another, and you make each other happy.
I am happy for you, as I said I was months ago. Yet I cannot be happy that you have chosen her over us, and I cannot be happy that that seems to have become the ultimatum.
You're post was heartfelt, I thought, but even though you were more-or-less clear in your words, your intentions felt vague at best. You addressed four individual people that are part of a group, a group that you were once a part of. I do not feel that one-on-ones are needed to rectify this rift. Only a conversation with the entire group present will be effective. There has been far too much "he said, she said" that has caused more damage than care.
Mathew, what do you want from me?
You said that it would be nice if I stopped by to say hi every now and then, but here is my truth: a Mathew Sandy who would dismiss his onetime friends of seemingly great importance and loyalty, but who would welcome me alone into his home, is a confusing Mathew Sandy who I am not sure I wish to know. To reconcile on an individual basis, but to avoid the group dynamic, is the metaphorical equivalent to laying out watch cogs for their aesthetic value. No matter how nice you think each individual cog is on its own, the watch will not function without every piece present.
This is no longer about Olivia, in my view. It is about you admitting that you wronged Alyssa, when she has already admitted to having wronged you and Olivia. It is about swallowing your pride and apologizing where necessary, because our friendship, not just mine, not just Andrew's, not just Doug's, but our friendship, is important to you. It's about you taking the steps this time. If we have anything to apologize for, we will. But we won't know what to apologize for until you talk to us and tell us, and maybe you won't know what to apologize for without hearing it from us.
Mathew, there's a lot I want to apologize to you for, but I honestly don't think you deserve to hear it until you're willing to hear some of the reasons why things have come this far.
I wish to remind you, in case you've forgotten, that I speak primarily for myself. I do not assume to know the exact thinkings of all the Bleacher Boys, nor of their feelings on some of these matters. If any of their thoughts or sentiments have made their way into this post, then it is only as a result of their own thought processes feeding my own, but I hope you don't assume I'm speaking for anyone.
I truly believe that we all miss you Matt, whether or not we like the person you seem to have become. Do not fool yourself into believing that we don't want you in our lives.
The only question I can think of, where all the healing might start, is this:
Do you want us, not just me, not just Andrew, not just Doug, not even just BJ, all as seperate people, but do you want us, the Bleacher Boys, a group you were once a part of, and still are a part of, in memory and in spirit, do you want us, in your life?
The Bay Area Bleacher Boys will do as they will, but for now, I, at least, leave it in your hands.
LYM (Love You Madly), whether it scares you or not.
-Lucio
I am going to be completely honest: I really did not want to write anything. After reading what others wrote, and after having numerous heartfelt discussions with the people involved, I was left feeling as though anything I could produce would fail utterly at being able to truly convey my feelings and thoughts concerning the matter at hand. There are really only two reasons that I am writing at all:
Firstly, for all my humility (i.e. self-degradation), the conversations I've had with people over the last couple days since Matt's posting have convinced me that perhaps my intervention or wayward advice is needed now, for the sake of my beloved Bleacher Boys. Every now and then, after all, I am fortunate enough to be granted the ability to express a viewpoint that many of my friends agree with.
Secondly, I would have said something to Matt, at some point in the future anyway, if for no other reason than that his comment about my silence being "answer enough" left me feeling guilty and hurt.
A brief disclaimer of sorts: this post is, for all intents and purposes, directed toward Matt alone. However, it cannot be private, since I don't really have any other way of getting in touch with him, and because I believe that private conversations are what this is largely about. So for everyone else, feel free to read. If it helps you to sort your own thoughts, then I will be happy that I've done what I can.
Mathew Sandy:
I don't really know where to begin, but I feel it would be best to save you the agony of reading every word I've written and answer, straightforward and honestly, the most simple and basic question:
Yes, I still love you and I still consider you a friend and brother in heart.
However, I must confess, this does not mean that I am in a hurry to reconnect and rekindle our friendship. In spite of it all, I do not at this point in time believe that we can ever be the friends I once thought we were. I cannot say for sure if I have changed much, but I do feel that, as you pointed out, you are certainly not the friend I thought I had, all those years ago.
I do not remember how we met and I don't much care to remember anyway. What I do remember is that, for a long time, you were a part of my life, the same as the other Bleacher Boys. I remember having a great deal of admiration and respect for you, because of how passionate and focused you were when you wanted something. A soldier of fortune who made his own luck through sheer tenacity. I do not recall, in all the time I've known you, many desires that you were unable to see come to fruition, in one form or another. It has always been something I wish I had enough confidence to emulate, but never could. Even though you picked goals that I might not have chosen, I was always proud of you, even if I didn't say so.
I remember the laughs too. God, do I remember those. Laughing with you was always great, because like the rest of the Bleacher Boys, the laughter fed off of itself, and even the smallest thing could be hilarious for hours, days, sometimes weeks. Even now, I will remember things we laughed about, and it will still make me smile and chuckle. I don't even think I need to mention the Berserk outtakes, but I will anyway, in the hopes that it might make you think of us (not just me) and smile.
I do not remember how or when I began to dislike Olivia as your girlfriend, but that is something I would like to know, because it almost seems as though it happened without me realizing it.
I will tell you something that I believe all of the Bleacher Boys know, but that has probably not gotten around to you. It's a bit of a long story, but I will try to keep it short, since I think it might help for you to know it.
After I'd moved here, I quickly discovered that despite it being one of the singular reasons I had chosen to move, making friends was as strange and foreign to me as it ever was. For months, I was alone, and kept to myself, and while I found the growing isolation to actually be soothing at times, I felt that it wouldn't do for me to abandon trying to make friends.
Then I met a girl named Laura Mahutga.
I will admit, right now, that she spoiled me completely; there was no attempt in the beginning to be her friend on my part. Once she got to know me through work, she wanted me to hang out outside of work. Soon enough, invitations to hang out turned into messages consisting of, "You should come over tonight," to, "You should just spend the night." Laura and I became friends because she made it happen, and though I love her for it now, I must admit that I would not have made a similar effort when we first started talking.
Over the course of several months, we became closer and closer, and similar to all of my close friends, there was a certain level of candidness and genuine good humor to her that I adored. Arguing with her felt as fun as agreeing with her, though like Travis she could sometimes be a bit sure of herself. Nevertheless, I was excited that I had made such a good friend when I had been so sure that I would never be able to do so again, the Bleacher Boys and The Spot (my Los Angeles friends) having spoiled my thoroughly.
Then Tom came along.
Tom and Laura started dating some time back in early February of this year, if my memory serves me correctly. As soon as they had admitted that they liked one another, and began to date, she began to have less and less time for me. This was when I became aware of just how much effort Laura had put into our friendship. Almost suddenly, I was alone again. She wasn't calling me almost every day anymore, and the only times I saw her were at work. I don't know if I ever told her, but that first month or so was quite heartbreaking for me, because I began to feel as though this wonderful friend I'd made had been lost because of a new and more exciting relationship she had found. I felt cast aside, but not angry. I couldn't be angry at the happiness of a friend, and so, in that justification of my "discarding" (I don't mean it to sound quite so dramatic, but that was how it felt back then, from time to time), I began to feel low and almost worthless.
I believe it was shortly after that, that I heard about what you said, or rather texted, to Alyssa.
I don't know what it was verbatim, but I believe that it equated roughly to: "You are a selfish bitch, and I don't want to associate with people like you."
Matt, I will tell you, in all honesty, my heart broke even more when I heard that.
To me, the Bleacher Boys had always been a collection of misfits. We were the group of people who didn't fit in anywhere else, not really, not fully. We were the people who were lucky enough to find one another through chance and circumstance. I freely admit that in my youth, particularly during those first two years of high school when I was a brooding and emotionally charged adolescent (not much has changed), I did compare the Bleacher Boys to The Spot, who were on the same emotional wavelength as me at the time. I could talk freely and openly about things that were important to me with them, but I couldn't really with the younger Bleacher Boys. Believe it or not, Travis was at one point unbearable to be around, and I actually went about a month not wanting to see or hang out with him.
At the core of the Bleacher Boys, for me anyway, is family. It is why, even though I was frustrated with Travis, I realized that my love for him and his love for me was not diminished despite the disagreement he did not know we were having. You don't chose for your family, and for me, at least, I don't choose my friends. At the very least, I don't chose to abandon them. If I have ever told anyone I love them, and if I have ever offered someone my friendship, our ties are never truly severed. Many families go years at a time without seeing one another, and for me and my friends, I carry the same standard.
I have had the amazing opportunity, I feel, to watch the Bleacher Boys all grow as individuals. I hit that emotional and thoughtful level first, I often feel (with the possible exception being BJ), and so I feel truly blessed that I got to watch you all gradually come out of your shells. Many of you have surpassed me, in fact, and I couldn't be more proud to be a part of a group that has become something far greater than itself.
We are all so similar, yet we are all so unique. We all bring something different to the table and we all make this wonderful group of people possible, with every little idiosyncrasy that gets added to the mix. Also at the core of it, we all share very similar values and standards for how we love one another.
"You are a selfish bitch and I don't want to associate with people like you."
One of the very first things I thought when I first heard that was, "I am like Alyssa."
I am going to draw a parallel, and I am going to assume you can see it: I had made a wonderful new friend who I connected with in a new way, even through the similarities to old relationships. It felt good, because here was another person who got me, in the group of the relative few. We had some great, special, and meaningful times together that I will never forget. Then, as if from nowhere, it was suddenly gone. Suddenly, I wasn't as special to this person as I thought I was. The nature of our relationships were different, but the new one took precedent over mine. I felt alone again. More than that, I felt disposable.
And then I discovered that something sacred and unbreakable in my heart, had been chipped significantly.
You pointed out that I once wrote: "You guys are all my friends. There is no way I could ever take sides among friends in such a double-sided issue." I admit it freely that in this case regarding Alyssa, I did take sides. I went against something I once said, and for that, I am sorry. However, I hope that it's a bit clearer now that when I did, the issue was no longer as double-sided.
I love Alyssa, and the bottom line is that you hurt her. I don't know if you've ever acknowledged it or even confronted it (or even cared to), but, to the best of my knowledge, you hurt her more than anyone within the Bleacher Boys has ever hurt another member. For a long time, it was easy to be neutral, because I couldn't truly understand what it was she was going through. After my experience with Laura, I could suddenly understand that level of hurt.
Tom is a great guy. He's good to Laura, seems genuinely affectionate, and from what I can gather, they seem like a good match. But he is still insecure. There are times when he will "joke" about Laura and I having something more than friendship, and even now, if I had to guess, I imagine he would prefer she spend less time with me (what little time we spend these days, anyway). I cannot fault him for his insecurities, but it hurts to know that, in keeping with my own stupid sense of nobility, I must keep Laura at a certain distance now, because I do not want to hurt their relationship, or make Tom feel that his insecurities are valid. I love her too much for that.
I do not know Olivia. Back when she was still around, I often felt like she was hiding herself from us, keeping things hidden, and perhaps that was what bothered me most. Within the Bleacher Boys, honesty and openness was something that I watched cultivate itself over many years, and become a core tenet. Certainly a boyfriend or girlfriend is not expected to open up completely to the other's friends, but given the Bleacher Boy level of friendship, her presence always felt comparably plastic.
Frankly, I do not care to conjecture as to Olivia's true nature or self any further than this. Despite my dislike for her, I feel it would be in bad taste to do so about someone who I am sure I barely know.
Here is what I do feel to be true, however, and what I feel you have not ever really acknowledged:
Olivia changed things. No, she does not control you like a puppeteer (realizing this actually made your behavior more disappointing at times), but her presence has affected the Bleacher Boys, and your priorities in some truly dramatic ways. Would such a falling out have happened if she had not present? The truth is, we can never know, but it did happen after she became a part of the picture.
This is not to say that your priorities are wrong in any way. That you have found someone who loves you as much as you say Olivia does, and that you feel the same for her, is something truly special. You two are devoted to one another, and you make each other happy.
I am happy for you, as I said I was months ago. Yet I cannot be happy that you have chosen her over us, and I cannot be happy that that seems to have become the ultimatum.
You're post was heartfelt, I thought, but even though you were more-or-less clear in your words, your intentions felt vague at best. You addressed four individual people that are part of a group, a group that you were once a part of. I do not feel that one-on-ones are needed to rectify this rift. Only a conversation with the entire group present will be effective. There has been far too much "he said, she said" that has caused more damage than care.
Mathew, what do you want from me?
You said that it would be nice if I stopped by to say hi every now and then, but here is my truth: a Mathew Sandy who would dismiss his onetime friends of seemingly great importance and loyalty, but who would welcome me alone into his home, is a confusing Mathew Sandy who I am not sure I wish to know. To reconcile on an individual basis, but to avoid the group dynamic, is the metaphorical equivalent to laying out watch cogs for their aesthetic value. No matter how nice you think each individual cog is on its own, the watch will not function without every piece present.
This is no longer about Olivia, in my view. It is about you admitting that you wronged Alyssa, when she has already admitted to having wronged you and Olivia. It is about swallowing your pride and apologizing where necessary, because our friendship, not just mine, not just Andrew's, not just Doug's, but our friendship, is important to you. It's about you taking the steps this time. If we have anything to apologize for, we will. But we won't know what to apologize for until you talk to us and tell us, and maybe you won't know what to apologize for without hearing it from us.
Mathew, there's a lot I want to apologize to you for, but I honestly don't think you deserve to hear it until you're willing to hear some of the reasons why things have come this far.
I wish to remind you, in case you've forgotten, that I speak primarily for myself. I do not assume to know the exact thinkings of all the Bleacher Boys, nor of their feelings on some of these matters. If any of their thoughts or sentiments have made their way into this post, then it is only as a result of their own thought processes feeding my own, but I hope you don't assume I'm speaking for anyone.
I truly believe that we all miss you Matt, whether or not we like the person you seem to have become. Do not fool yourself into believing that we don't want you in our lives.
The only question I can think of, where all the healing might start, is this:
Do you want us, not just me, not just Andrew, not just Doug, not even just BJ, all as seperate people, but do you want us, the Bleacher Boys, a group you were once a part of, and still are a part of, in memory and in spirit, do you want us, in your life?
The Bay Area Bleacher Boys will do as they will, but for now, I, at least, leave it in your hands.
LYM (Love You Madly), whether it scares you or not.
-Lucio
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