Goddamn
Does life blow right now. I don't know where to start. Well, that's not true. I know exactly where to start. But I really don't want to get into it right now. Maybe later.
EDIT: Alright, you goddamn harpies, here it is. But you asked for it. Prepare for pathos on a level that I couldn't measure if I was wading in a pool of tears and carrying two orphans.
Let's start benign. My job sucks. The warehouse is packed. I keep pulling my back out in multiple places. I've been getting out rather early for a little while now, which is good, but it's getting to the point where I can't find a comfortable sitting position.
I got a call from Rebecca. Apparently, there's a good chance my dad has cancer. And if he does, there's an even better chance that he'll die because he's refusing to go to the doctor. And I feel absolutely nothing. I don't care. I completely Rorschached over the phone with her. The only thing I could think of to say was, "Good ridance." Is that fucked up? I really can't tell. The man's a dick who deserves to die. And really, that's all I feel on the matter. That part that's supposed to kick and say that it's wrong to feel that way and how dare you is completely silent. Does it agree with me? Does it even exist? It makes me wonder.
But the most important problem I've been having is with Myha. The problem is of course, as usual, that I'm an asshole. Yep, it's true. I'm firm in believing that while there may be other factors (I've heard things that I won't get into), my attitude has been the number one offender. And there's no excuse for it. If I could do the last couple of months over (like...8), I would in a heartbeat. But that's not how life works. You make mistakes. You can admit them, and hope you're forgiven, or you can keep making them. And right now I'm caught between the two. I make more as I try to mend them. At least I can never be accused of being suave with the ladies, right? Anyhow, the outlook right now is extremely grim, and I'm almost positive that she's going to dump me. Which is a much bigger deal to me than you might know. I won't go into details, but I've been sort of unravelling the past few weeks, months. The thing that's terrible about me is that I'm extremely good at looking like I don't have any problems. That's because I've become quite adept at losing myself in the moment. But this time, there are far too many moments for me to try and cover, and it's tearing me up real good. The only chance I have at this point is completely posted on the hope that she will remember how it used to be, and that things can return to that point. But hope is about the amount of substance that dream seems to hold. And if it all does fall through like it looks like, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm dead serious about that.
EDIT: Alright, you goddamn harpies, here it is. But you asked for it. Prepare for pathos on a level that I couldn't measure if I was wading in a pool of tears and carrying two orphans.
Let's start benign. My job sucks. The warehouse is packed. I keep pulling my back out in multiple places. I've been getting out rather early for a little while now, which is good, but it's getting to the point where I can't find a comfortable sitting position.
I got a call from Rebecca. Apparently, there's a good chance my dad has cancer. And if he does, there's an even better chance that he'll die because he's refusing to go to the doctor. And I feel absolutely nothing. I don't care. I completely Rorschached over the phone with her. The only thing I could think of to say was, "Good ridance." Is that fucked up? I really can't tell. The man's a dick who deserves to die. And really, that's all I feel on the matter. That part that's supposed to kick and say that it's wrong to feel that way and how dare you is completely silent. Does it agree with me? Does it even exist? It makes me wonder.
But the most important problem I've been having is with Myha. The problem is of course, as usual, that I'm an asshole. Yep, it's true. I'm firm in believing that while there may be other factors (I've heard things that I won't get into), my attitude has been the number one offender. And there's no excuse for it. If I could do the last couple of months over (like...8), I would in a heartbeat. But that's not how life works. You make mistakes. You can admit them, and hope you're forgiven, or you can keep making them. And right now I'm caught between the two. I make more as I try to mend them. At least I can never be accused of being suave with the ladies, right? Anyhow, the outlook right now is extremely grim, and I'm almost positive that she's going to dump me. Which is a much bigger deal to me than you might know. I won't go into details, but I've been sort of unravelling the past few weeks, months. The thing that's terrible about me is that I'm extremely good at looking like I don't have any problems. That's because I've become quite adept at losing myself in the moment. But this time, there are far too many moments for me to try and cover, and it's tearing me up real good. The only chance I have at this point is completely posted on the hope that she will remember how it used to be, and that things can return to that point. But hope is about the amount of substance that dream seems to hold. And if it all does fall through like it looks like, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm dead serious about that.
Comments