The SUADAAs Are Coming!
I read an article the other day. It inspired me.
Inspired me, that is, to create my own annual award ceremony, the Shut Up And Die, Already Award! The only rules are that SUADAA nominations require a name, a description, detailed or brief, of heinous douchebaggery, and (optionally) a patronizing picture of the individual. In addition, the nominated party must have some kind of widespread recognition. Otherwise, we'd just end up with John Trenev every year. If you are an author for the site, then post an article with your nomination! If you aren't, post a comment! If you don't like having your opinion open for semi-public scrutination, email me! If you don't have email, you probably aren't reading this anyway!
Anyhow, I know that 2005 has already passed, but as we're all scoundrels and rogues around here, we'll just ignore that this time and pretend the new year hasn't arrived yet.
My nomination goes to Farris Hassan. As you might have gathered from the article above, he's that self-righteous douche who ran to Iraq. For those of you who don't know the whole story, allow me to recap. And by recap, I mean copy and paste from MSN:
Farris Hassan, a 16-year-old from Florida, realized that traveling to Iraq by himself was not the safest thing he could have done with his Christmas vacation.
And he didn't even tell his parents.
As a junior this year at a Pine Crest School, a prep academy of about 700 students in Fort Lauderdale, Hassan studied writers like John McPhee - a writer who lives the life of his subject in order to better understand it - in the book "The New Journalism," an introduction to immersion journalism.
Diving headfirst into an assignment, Hassan, whose parents were born in Iraq but have lived in the United States for about 35 years, hung out at a local mosque. The teen, who says he has no religious affiliation, added that he even spent an entire night until 6 a.m. talking politics with a group of Muslim men, a level of "immersion" his teacher characterized as dangerous and irresponsible."
Before I keep going, I have to add that you should never talk politics with Muslim men. After the five minute mark, they cleave you into pieces with scimitars and eat your bones!
The next trimester his class was assigned to choose an international topic and write editorials about it, Hassan said. He chose the Iraq war and decided to practice immersion journalism there, too, though he knows his school in no way endorses his travels.
"I thought I'd go the extra mile for that — or rather, a few thousand miles," he told the Associated Press.
Imagine Lucio saying that last one in his douche voice. Yeah, that's where this is going.
Using money his parents had given him, he bought a $900 plane ticket and took off from school a week before Christmas vacation started, skipping classes and leaving the country on Dec. 11.
His goal: Baghdad. Those privy to his plans: two high school buddies.
Given his heritage, Hassan could almost pass as Iraqi. His father's background helped him secure an entry visa, and native Arabs would see in his face Iraqi features and a familiar skin tone. His wispy beard was meant to help him blend in.
His "wispy beard":
But underneath that Mideast veneer was full-blooded American teen, a born-and-bred Floridian sporting white Nike tennis shoes and trendy jeans. And as soon as the lanky, 6-foot teenager opened his mouth - he speaks no Arabic - his true nationality would have betrayed him.
But not the white Nikes or trendy jeans. Trendy is slang for "overpriced shit coveted by rich assholes" in case you didn't know.
Inside the safety of Baghdad's Green Zone, an Embassy official from the Hostage Working Group talked to Hassan about how risky travel is in Iraq.
This is important to recall later.
"This place is incredibly dangerous to individual private American citizens, especially minors, and all of us, especially the military, went to extraordinary lengths to ensure this youth's safety, even if he doesn't acknowledge it or even understand it," a U.S. official who wasn't authorized to speak to the media said on condition of anonymity.
His mother, Shatha Atiya, a psychologist, said she was "shocked and terrified." She had told him she would take him to Iraq, but only after the country stabilizes.
"He thinks he can be an ambassador for democracy around the world. It's admirable but also agony for a parent," Atiya said.
Attempting to get into Iraq, Hassan took a taxi from Kuwait City to the border 55 miles away. He spoke English at the border and was soon surrounded by about 15 men, a scene he wanted no part of. On the drive back to Kuwait City, a taxi driver almost punched him when he balked at the fee.
"In one day I probably spent like $250 on taxis," he said. "And they're so evil too, because they ripped me off, and when I wouldn't pay the ripped-off price they started threatening me. It was bad."
It's not like they're transporting you through a warzone or anything.
It could have been worse - the border could have been open.
As luck would have it, the teenager found himself at the Iraq-Kuwait line sometime on Dec. 13, and the border security was extra tight because of Iraq's Dec. 15 parliamentary elections. The timing saved him from a dangerous trip.
"If they'd let me in from Kuwait, I probably would have died," he acknowledged. "That would have been a bad idea."
Debatable.
He says he only strayed far from that hotel once, in search of food. He walked into a nearby shop and asked for a menu. When no menu appeared, he pulled out his Arabic phrase book, and after fumbling around found the word "menu." The stand didn't have one. Then a worker tried to read some of the English phrases.
"And I'm like, 'Well, I should probably be going.' It was not a safe place. The way they were looking at me kind of freaked me out," he said.
All this bolded text that I've been giving you comes into context later. Don't worry.
It was mid-afternoon on Tuesday, after his second night in Baghdad, that he sought out editors at AP and announced he was in Iraq to do research and humanitarian work. AP staffers had never seen an unaccompanied teenage American walk into their war zone office. ("I would have been less surprised if little green men had walked in," said editor Patrick Quinn.)
The AP quickly called the U.S. Embassy. Officials there had been on the lookout for Hassan, at the request of his parents, who still weren't sure exactly where he was. One U.S. military officer said he was shocked the teen was still alive. The 101st Airborne lieutenant who picked him up from the hotel said it was the wildest story he'd ever heard.
Hassan accepted being turned over to authorities as the safest thing to do, but seemed to accept the idea more readily over time.
Now I know what you're thinking. Dante, this kid just seems to be lacking in sense, maybe a little idealistic and not in touch enough with the real world to realize these dangers. Why should he be awarded the Shut Up And Die, Already Award? I'll show you:
"There is a struggle in Iraq between good and evil, between those striving for freedom and liberty and those striving for death and destruction," he wrote.
"Those terrorists are not human but pure evil. For their goals to be thwarted, decent individuals must answer justice's call for help. Unfortunately, altruism is always in short supply. Not enough are willing to set aside the material ambitions of this transient world, put morality first, and risk their lives for the cause of humanity. So I will."
"I want to experience during my Christmas the same hardships ordinary Iraqis experience everyday, so that I may better empathize with their distress," he wrote.
Oh, so, entering the country for a week and hiding in the green zone makes you a Goddamn humanitarian, does it, Siddhartha Christ? I know he thinks he sounds worldly and intelligent, and if you aren't listening you might even be fooled yourself, but let's dissect:
"There is a struggle in Iraq between good and evil, between those striving for freedom and liberty and those striving for death and destruction."
Clearly, you can't see a means to an end to save your life. It's not like the anti-American forces in Iraq just have a massive hardon for blowing things up. Believe it or not, they're trying to accomplish something too. It's not like you're dealing with Project Mayhem here. Don't mistake me for sympathizing; I don't support their goals nor how they accomplish them. But see beyond the car bomb, Freshman.
"Those terrorists are not human but pure evil."
Yeah, that's not polarizing the situation at all. Listen, if the situation was as simple as black and white, would we really still need to be there? The truth is, good and evil are relative, and the people in that region shift between them on a regular basis. This isn't Nazis, this isn't the Huns. The entire situation is grey, and the fact that you're blind to it betrays a lot about you. And this is coming from a fan of Maddox.
"Unfortunately, altruism is always in short supply."
Did it ever occur to you that maybe, what with Katrina and Rita and the oil crisis and current economic stresses, that maybe the majority of America can't afford to take advantage of their parents' wealth to fly to Iraq for a week? And while you're focusing all that "altruism" of your own on Iraq (read: acting like a stereotypical moronic American tourist), how about other countries who are in equally dire straits? Are all of us selfish and uncaring because we can't afford to help everyone all the time? How much time have you dedicated to Colombia?
"Not enough are willing to set aside the material ambitions of this transient world, put morality first, and risk their lives for the cause of humanity."
Read the above bolded that I told you about earlier to see why this statement makes me want to put his face through a desk. First off, I have a newsflash for you: America is not entirely comprised of Republican Florida! (sidenote: this is the kind of douchebaggery that makes Republicanism look retarded. Well, you know, besides all those other things they tend to do. And say.) We don't all have the disposable income available to throw at a country that can't fix itself! Perhaps, just perhaps, some of us have more important things to spend our money on, like house payments and food. Believe it or not, we don't all jump in the Porsche and fly down to the yacht at the dock to go fly fishing every day. Some of us actually toil, instead of just taking our parents' money for granted. What exactly did you do, Farris, besides yell at cab drivers and get scared at foreigners? Where in there were you doing anything but being a stupid, overprivledged teen in a war-torn country? Being there doesn't mean you made a difference. What you did was put the lives of those who are actually living what you wish you could in danger. In essence, all you did was pull a stupid stunt and put real altruists in peril, and for what? For your own selfish desires, so you could fly back to the country with self-masturbatory statements like the above. So you have a big vocabulary. It doesn't make what you're saying any more intelligent. It just betrays how much of a pretentious douche you really are. Saying "I luxuriate in the unparalleled, exquisite taste bud revelation that is consuming piquant, pulchritudinous confectionaries" doesn't make "I like eating candy" sound any more epiphanic. The only reason you really went to Iraq, "give a shit" about Iraq is because you've got Iraqi blood running through your veins. If you are going to put yourself on a pedestal and try to make this country feel bad about itself for not deceiving its relatives, arguing with foreigners and hiding in a safe zone for a week, then at least try to make it sound better. I know what you're trying to sound like. You're trying to sound like an adult, an intelligent, thinking, superior being. Truth is, you're just a lucky, spoiled, good for nothing that got a little taste of life on the other side and now think you know something about suffering. Guess what Farris? Those people don't get to fly home to rich parents and world wide media coverage. You're not fucking Bono. You're not fucking Buddha. You're just an idiot. Shut Up And Die, Already.
Inspired me, that is, to create my own annual award ceremony, the Shut Up And Die, Already Award! The only rules are that SUADAA nominations require a name, a description, detailed or brief, of heinous douchebaggery, and (optionally) a patronizing picture of the individual. In addition, the nominated party must have some kind of widespread recognition. Otherwise, we'd just end up with John Trenev every year. If you are an author for the site, then post an article with your nomination! If you aren't, post a comment! If you don't like having your opinion open for semi-public scrutination, email me! If you don't have email, you probably aren't reading this anyway!
Anyhow, I know that 2005 has already passed, but as we're all scoundrels and rogues around here, we'll just ignore that this time and pretend the new year hasn't arrived yet.
My nomination goes to Farris Hassan. As you might have gathered from the article above, he's that self-righteous douche who ran to Iraq. For those of you who don't know the whole story, allow me to recap. And by recap, I mean copy and paste from MSN:
Farris Hassan, a 16-year-old from Florida, realized that traveling to Iraq by himself was not the safest thing he could have done with his Christmas vacation.
And he didn't even tell his parents.
As a junior this year at a Pine Crest School, a prep academy of about 700 students in Fort Lauderdale, Hassan studied writers like John McPhee - a writer who lives the life of his subject in order to better understand it - in the book "The New Journalism," an introduction to immersion journalism.
Diving headfirst into an assignment, Hassan, whose parents were born in Iraq but have lived in the United States for about 35 years, hung out at a local mosque. The teen, who says he has no religious affiliation, added that he even spent an entire night until 6 a.m. talking politics with a group of Muslim men, a level of "immersion" his teacher characterized as dangerous and irresponsible."
Before I keep going, I have to add that you should never talk politics with Muslim men. After the five minute mark, they cleave you into pieces with scimitars and eat your bones!
The next trimester his class was assigned to choose an international topic and write editorials about it, Hassan said. He chose the Iraq war and decided to practice immersion journalism there, too, though he knows his school in no way endorses his travels.
"I thought I'd go the extra mile for that — or rather, a few thousand miles," he told the Associated Press.
Imagine Lucio saying that last one in his douche voice. Yeah, that's where this is going.
Using money his parents had given him, he bought a $900 plane ticket and took off from school a week before Christmas vacation started, skipping classes and leaving the country on Dec. 11.
His goal: Baghdad. Those privy to his plans: two high school buddies.
Given his heritage, Hassan could almost pass as Iraqi. His father's background helped him secure an entry visa, and native Arabs would see in his face Iraqi features and a familiar skin tone. His wispy beard was meant to help him blend in.
His "wispy beard":
But underneath that Mideast veneer was full-blooded American teen, a born-and-bred Floridian sporting white Nike tennis shoes and trendy jeans. And as soon as the lanky, 6-foot teenager opened his mouth - he speaks no Arabic - his true nationality would have betrayed him.
But not the white Nikes or trendy jeans. Trendy is slang for "overpriced shit coveted by rich assholes" in case you didn't know.
Inside the safety of Baghdad's Green Zone, an Embassy official from the Hostage Working Group talked to Hassan about how risky travel is in Iraq.
This is important to recall later.
"This place is incredibly dangerous to individual private American citizens, especially minors, and all of us, especially the military, went to extraordinary lengths to ensure this youth's safety, even if he doesn't acknowledge it or even understand it," a U.S. official who wasn't authorized to speak to the media said on condition of anonymity.
His mother, Shatha Atiya, a psychologist, said she was "shocked and terrified." She had told him she would take him to Iraq, but only after the country stabilizes.
"He thinks he can be an ambassador for democracy around the world. It's admirable but also agony for a parent," Atiya said.
Attempting to get into Iraq, Hassan took a taxi from Kuwait City to the border 55 miles away. He spoke English at the border and was soon surrounded by about 15 men, a scene he wanted no part of. On the drive back to Kuwait City, a taxi driver almost punched him when he balked at the fee.
"In one day I probably spent like $250 on taxis," he said. "And they're so evil too, because they ripped me off, and when I wouldn't pay the ripped-off price they started threatening me. It was bad."
It's not like they're transporting you through a warzone or anything.
It could have been worse - the border could have been open.
As luck would have it, the teenager found himself at the Iraq-Kuwait line sometime on Dec. 13, and the border security was extra tight because of Iraq's Dec. 15 parliamentary elections. The timing saved him from a dangerous trip.
"If they'd let me in from Kuwait, I probably would have died," he acknowledged. "That would have been a bad idea."
Debatable.
He says he only strayed far from that hotel once, in search of food. He walked into a nearby shop and asked for a menu. When no menu appeared, he pulled out his Arabic phrase book, and after fumbling around found the word "menu." The stand didn't have one. Then a worker tried to read some of the English phrases.
"And I'm like, 'Well, I should probably be going.' It was not a safe place. The way they were looking at me kind of freaked me out," he said.
All this bolded text that I've been giving you comes into context later. Don't worry.
It was mid-afternoon on Tuesday, after his second night in Baghdad, that he sought out editors at AP and announced he was in Iraq to do research and humanitarian work. AP staffers had never seen an unaccompanied teenage American walk into their war zone office. ("I would have been less surprised if little green men had walked in," said editor Patrick Quinn.)
The AP quickly called the U.S. Embassy. Officials there had been on the lookout for Hassan, at the request of his parents, who still weren't sure exactly where he was. One U.S. military officer said he was shocked the teen was still alive. The 101st Airborne lieutenant who picked him up from the hotel said it was the wildest story he'd ever heard.
Hassan accepted being turned over to authorities as the safest thing to do, but seemed to accept the idea more readily over time.
Now I know what you're thinking. Dante, this kid just seems to be lacking in sense, maybe a little idealistic and not in touch enough with the real world to realize these dangers. Why should he be awarded the Shut Up And Die, Already Award? I'll show you:
"There is a struggle in Iraq between good and evil, between those striving for freedom and liberty and those striving for death and destruction," he wrote.
"Those terrorists are not human but pure evil. For their goals to be thwarted, decent individuals must answer justice's call for help. Unfortunately, altruism is always in short supply. Not enough are willing to set aside the material ambitions of this transient world, put morality first, and risk their lives for the cause of humanity. So I will."
"I want to experience during my Christmas the same hardships ordinary Iraqis experience everyday, so that I may better empathize with their distress," he wrote.
Oh, so, entering the country for a week and hiding in the green zone makes you a Goddamn humanitarian, does it, Siddhartha Christ? I know he thinks he sounds worldly and intelligent, and if you aren't listening you might even be fooled yourself, but let's dissect:
"There is a struggle in Iraq between good and evil, between those striving for freedom and liberty and those striving for death and destruction."
Clearly, you can't see a means to an end to save your life. It's not like the anti-American forces in Iraq just have a massive hardon for blowing things up. Believe it or not, they're trying to accomplish something too. It's not like you're dealing with Project Mayhem here. Don't mistake me for sympathizing; I don't support their goals nor how they accomplish them. But see beyond the car bomb, Freshman.
"Those terrorists are not human but pure evil."
Yeah, that's not polarizing the situation at all. Listen, if the situation was as simple as black and white, would we really still need to be there? The truth is, good and evil are relative, and the people in that region shift between them on a regular basis. This isn't Nazis, this isn't the Huns. The entire situation is grey, and the fact that you're blind to it betrays a lot about you. And this is coming from a fan of Maddox.
"Unfortunately, altruism is always in short supply."
Did it ever occur to you that maybe, what with Katrina and Rita and the oil crisis and current economic stresses, that maybe the majority of America can't afford to take advantage of their parents' wealth to fly to Iraq for a week? And while you're focusing all that "altruism" of your own on Iraq (read: acting like a stereotypical moronic American tourist), how about other countries who are in equally dire straits? Are all of us selfish and uncaring because we can't afford to help everyone all the time? How much time have you dedicated to Colombia?
"Not enough are willing to set aside the material ambitions of this transient world, put morality first, and risk their lives for the cause of humanity."
Read the above bolded that I told you about earlier to see why this statement makes me want to put his face through a desk. First off, I have a newsflash for you: America is not entirely comprised of Republican Florida! (sidenote: this is the kind of douchebaggery that makes Republicanism look retarded. Well, you know, besides all those other things they tend to do. And say.) We don't all have the disposable income available to throw at a country that can't fix itself! Perhaps, just perhaps, some of us have more important things to spend our money on, like house payments and food. Believe it or not, we don't all jump in the Porsche and fly down to the yacht at the dock to go fly fishing every day. Some of us actually toil, instead of just taking our parents' money for granted. What exactly did you do, Farris, besides yell at cab drivers and get scared at foreigners? Where in there were you doing anything but being a stupid, overprivledged teen in a war-torn country? Being there doesn't mean you made a difference. What you did was put the lives of those who are actually living what you wish you could in danger. In essence, all you did was pull a stupid stunt and put real altruists in peril, and for what? For your own selfish desires, so you could fly back to the country with self-masturbatory statements like the above. So you have a big vocabulary. It doesn't make what you're saying any more intelligent. It just betrays how much of a pretentious douche you really are. Saying "I luxuriate in the unparalleled, exquisite taste bud revelation that is consuming piquant, pulchritudinous confectionaries" doesn't make "I like eating candy" sound any more epiphanic. The only reason you really went to Iraq, "give a shit" about Iraq is because you've got Iraqi blood running through your veins. If you are going to put yourself on a pedestal and try to make this country feel bad about itself for not deceiving its relatives, arguing with foreigners and hiding in a safe zone for a week, then at least try to make it sound better. I know what you're trying to sound like. You're trying to sound like an adult, an intelligent, thinking, superior being. Truth is, you're just a lucky, spoiled, good for nothing that got a little taste of life on the other side and now think you know something about suffering. Guess what Farris? Those people don't get to fly home to rich parents and world wide media coverage. You're not fucking Bono. You're not fucking Buddha. You're just an idiot. Shut Up And Die, Already.
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