Fable Watch
So if you couldn't already tell (read: you're retarded), I'm a pretty big Fable fan. Now, before we get into any kind of Fable related discussion, there's some things you should know. First off, the guy at the head Lionhead Studios, Peter Molyneux, promised A LOT OF SHIT in Fable before it came out. Having babies, vandalzing shit, competing with other heroes. The words, "most open ended game of all time" came out way more times than it should have. Now, none of the above actually happened. You can't have babies (though you can have baby mommas), you can't carve your name into anything, and the only hero you can compete with is some chick named Whisper who you can't even bang. Lame. But, despite Molyneux's extreme exaggerations, the final product was very well done. This put people into two camps: those who were pissed that you couldn't do all this promised stuff, and thus hated Fable with a burning intensity (or a passive hate, I dunno), and those who saw past the promises, or alternatively, did not hear them at all, and judged the final product independant of the hype. These people typically liked this game. Clearly, I'm one of these people. The latter of the second group, if you were wondering.
On October 18th, an expanded version of Fable is slated to appear on Xbox. It is already out on computer. Now, of course I'm going to buy this game. It's like Fable, but more, and that was my biggest gripe about the game. But should you buy Fable? Well, I will give you a fair summary of the pros and cons of the original, and you can decide for yourself. Fair? Let's a go.
Fable: The Good
-The music. It's friggin' spetacular. Just read the post below. This needs no further detail.
-The graphics. The unique art style of Fable really makes an impact, as it's cartoony but in a stylish way.
-The sheer amount of actions you can perform. From fucking to giving the finger to the infamous "heying", you can do a whole lotta stuff in this game. Don't feel like buying a new suit of armor? Swipe. Feel like murdering a whole town of people, buying up their property, and then renting it out to their terrified relatives? Done. Want to beat children? You can. Hell, you can even sacrafice them to the Dark Lord if they're really pissing you off. Feel uncomfortable when the extrodinairily gay school teacher hits on you? Do it the Matt way by punching him in the face and then fleeing with both hands covering the glory hole. Want crowds of people to herd around you in adoration, gladly bearing your seed for the sheer glory of it? Done, and that includes polygamy. Hell, marry the schoolteacher if you're into that stuff. Want to get drunk and beat your wife? You can do that too, but maybe now we're edging out of exciting and fun and edging more into realistic and depressing. You may not be able to carve your name on a tree, but really, does that matter to you?
-The spells. AWESOME! You can grow to ten feet tall and Hulk smash everyone who thinks at you funny. This comes back to those aforementioned children. Assassin Rush behind douches faster than the speed of "oh shit you're dead." Summon a bee demon, who quickly dies and makes you curse Molyneux for making such a shitty spell! And don't you dare forget Push. Don't feel like dealing with anyone? Ever? Knock everyone flat on their dumb asses with the force bubble of reckoning. Remember the children!
-The sheer level of character customization. Want to look like a pimp with braided hair and a handlebar moustache? Done. Want to do as I do and go bald and tattoo every inch of your skin until you are a human meat grinder? YES. Want to look like a creepy pedophile, complete with a stereotype Chinese stache? I hate you. Hell, run around in nothing but your Union Jack boxers if you like.
-Headshots/Headcuts. If Matt was any good at Fable he'll tell you exactly what I'm talking about. Some ass coming at you with a sword? Shoot his head off with a bow! Or alternatively, step back and just cleave it off in one fell swoop. Oops, you died instantly!
-Bragging. Roll into town and jam that severed queen bee head in everyone's face and say, "yeah, I did that queer. You want some? I'll eat you right here!" Repeatedly.
-If you're evil enough, you turn blue and grow horns. Sacrafice enough people to the dark lord and you get the title of Necromancer.
-Speaking of titles, you get a wide variety. From Deathbringer (my personal favorite) to Assassin to Arseface (yes), you can strike fear into the hearts of enemies everywhere. Especially with Chicken Kicker.
-Kick chickens into the stratosphere. No I'm not kidding. You pump your muscles up to max and kick a chicken, IT FUCKING DISAPPEARS. It shoots off like a rocket and is gone forever.
Fable: The Bad
-Linear. LINEAR! You have three choices: good, bad, or super fucked up. That's it. Two branching paths. In the end there's no real moral anything for going in either direction. Nothing.
-Too short! I beat this game in something like three days. Mind you, I was marathoning it, but still. It seems like after 20 quests, you're done. That's it. Gives you incentive to stall, like exploring...
-...but the maps are tiny and enclosed. No free roaming here. Everything has a straight path, and you feel boxed in, riding rails in many cases. Really, it gets to the point where you're like, come on. You could have programmed more than this.
-The Aeon Sword is unbeatable. There's no point in not choosing the evil ending. Even if you're good all the way, you can still choose the evil choice at the end, get the Sword of Demon Evil and not even change alignment! And you get to flip people off and hip thrust, and they still love you! What is this bullshit?!?
-If you don't have Assassin Rush, you are fucked. Seriously. You could be strong enough to laugh mountains in half and have the Sword of Jesus Eater and you STILL can't breach an enemy's guard if he blocks. But if you do have Assassin Rush, almost everyone falls to your might.
-Fucking pixie douches. Yeah, they're evil naked 13 year old little girl faeries that shoot fire out at you and summon little pygmies. Irritating.
-The story feels rushed, big time. It's like, for a while you're rolling at a nice and smooth pace and it's all good and OMGWTF APOCALYPSE! Just like that.
-A lot of the voice actors are clearly phoning it in, sometimes almost literally. The nameless characters that crave your seed are good actors sure, but is it so hard to ask main character VAs to NOT suck ass? Please? This is an experience here.
-There's a stealth portion involving getting into a bandit village that sucks all kind of ass. Hope you didn't brag that you would kill under 40 people.
-Jack of Blades is a fucking pedophile, man. I swear to God. Maybe that's a good thing since he's the last boss, but honestly, don't prolong the death of child touchers. And he's the one you get the Sword of Orphanage Immolation from.
-You can't kill the Chief in Knothole Glade. Not even with the Sword of Puppy Skinning! That's really only a gripe for assholes like me. And what is it with the penthouse-high property costs there? If you kill everyone in a town, shouldn't that make it your town by default?
If you have an Xbox or a moderately okay computer and are interested, consider the above before buying. Want to beat children but don't like pixies? A chart of joy and pain-bringing might be in order. Feel like beating gays but not playing a video game? You should probably seek counseling. Fable had many ups, that's for sure, but don't be mistaken. There are a fair share of downs too, and while they aren't annoying like cheap assholes in Halo 2 are annoying, they do kind of lower it a tad.
But before I go, a list of things said expansion claims to add or amend:
* 8 New Hat/Helmets - Two to match the games good and evil platemail, two to match the good and evil will user's suits, one helmet for the new "Archon's" suit of armor, a "pimp hat", a fisherman's hat, and a chicken hat.
* 5 New Silver Keys, and a few more silver key chests, including one that requires 30 keys to open.
* 2 New Suits of armor - the "Fire Assasin" armor, which is very similar to the normal assasin armor but with a red cloth and designs, and the armor of Archon, which is a shinier version of the standard platemail in the game.
* 1 New torso armor - The hooded guild apprentice shirt. (There is no dark version of this hooded shirt)
* Briar Rose, a hero who was almost entirely scrapped from the original release, is now included in several main quests and sidequests.
* Scythe, another hero who was cut from the original game, is now a primary character in the new end game, and appears early in the game based on character actions.
* There is a killable dragon - who serves as the game's new final boss.
* Several new demon doors
* The Northern Wastes, which were cut from the original release, are back. There are about 6 new locations there, which contains a new town, a demon door, some silver key chests, and an extension of the story.
* The Darkwood Bordello, an area cut from the darkwood portion of the game - finding it allows access to a couple sidequests, a new demon door, and of course, a house full of prostitutes.
* Several new weapons, including a sword called Avo's Tear, which acts as an opposite to the devastating Sword of Aeons. Avo's Tear can only be aquired by a good character after destroying the Sword of Aeons in what was the original end of the game. This time, after the sequence the game continues, and if you undertake a sidequest, you can obtain this new sword.
* The Hero may now solve the mystery surrounding the death of Lady Grey's sister.
* The Hero can now become the Mayor of Bowerstone. There have yet to be any advantages found from doing so, however.
* Several sidequests and minigames. Minigames include the new chicken kicking competition in Oakvale, and the fishing competition at Fisherman's Creek. One of the sidequests involves donating books to the Bowerstone school, as well as curing a local boy of a terrible sickness (although it is not-so-subtly hinted that he's hallucinating from eating a mushroom).
* New Monsters - Ice Trolls, Wraiths, & 2 flavors of Summoners.
* New Actions - The hero may now do several new dances, many of which are quite humorous, like the "cossack dance".
Yes.
On October 18th, an expanded version of Fable is slated to appear on Xbox. It is already out on computer. Now, of course I'm going to buy this game. It's like Fable, but more, and that was my biggest gripe about the game. But should you buy Fable? Well, I will give you a fair summary of the pros and cons of the original, and you can decide for yourself. Fair? Let's a go.
Fable: The Good
-The music. It's friggin' spetacular. Just read the post below. This needs no further detail.
-The graphics. The unique art style of Fable really makes an impact, as it's cartoony but in a stylish way.
-The sheer amount of actions you can perform. From fucking to giving the finger to the infamous "heying", you can do a whole lotta stuff in this game. Don't feel like buying a new suit of armor? Swipe. Feel like murdering a whole town of people, buying up their property, and then renting it out to their terrified relatives? Done. Want to beat children? You can. Hell, you can even sacrafice them to the Dark Lord if they're really pissing you off. Feel uncomfortable when the extrodinairily gay school teacher hits on you? Do it the Matt way by punching him in the face and then fleeing with both hands covering the glory hole. Want crowds of people to herd around you in adoration, gladly bearing your seed for the sheer glory of it? Done, and that includes polygamy. Hell, marry the schoolteacher if you're into that stuff. Want to get drunk and beat your wife? You can do that too, but maybe now we're edging out of exciting and fun and edging more into realistic and depressing. You may not be able to carve your name on a tree, but really, does that matter to you?
-The spells. AWESOME! You can grow to ten feet tall and Hulk smash everyone who thinks at you funny. This comes back to those aforementioned children. Assassin Rush behind douches faster than the speed of "oh shit you're dead." Summon a bee demon, who quickly dies and makes you curse Molyneux for making such a shitty spell! And don't you dare forget Push. Don't feel like dealing with anyone? Ever? Knock everyone flat on their dumb asses with the force bubble of reckoning. Remember the children!
-The sheer level of character customization. Want to look like a pimp with braided hair and a handlebar moustache? Done. Want to do as I do and go bald and tattoo every inch of your skin until you are a human meat grinder? YES. Want to look like a creepy pedophile, complete with a stereotype Chinese stache? I hate you. Hell, run around in nothing but your Union Jack boxers if you like.
-Headshots/Headcuts. If Matt was any good at Fable he'll tell you exactly what I'm talking about. Some ass coming at you with a sword? Shoot his head off with a bow! Or alternatively, step back and just cleave it off in one fell swoop. Oops, you died instantly!
-Bragging. Roll into town and jam that severed queen bee head in everyone's face and say, "yeah, I did that queer. You want some? I'll eat you right here!" Repeatedly.
-If you're evil enough, you turn blue and grow horns. Sacrafice enough people to the dark lord and you get the title of Necromancer.
-Speaking of titles, you get a wide variety. From Deathbringer (my personal favorite) to Assassin to Arseface (yes), you can strike fear into the hearts of enemies everywhere. Especially with Chicken Kicker.
-Kick chickens into the stratosphere. No I'm not kidding. You pump your muscles up to max and kick a chicken, IT FUCKING DISAPPEARS. It shoots off like a rocket and is gone forever.
Fable: The Bad
-Linear. LINEAR! You have three choices: good, bad, or super fucked up. That's it. Two branching paths. In the end there's no real moral anything for going in either direction. Nothing.
-Too short! I beat this game in something like three days. Mind you, I was marathoning it, but still. It seems like after 20 quests, you're done. That's it. Gives you incentive to stall, like exploring...
-...but the maps are tiny and enclosed. No free roaming here. Everything has a straight path, and you feel boxed in, riding rails in many cases. Really, it gets to the point where you're like, come on. You could have programmed more than this.
-The Aeon Sword is unbeatable. There's no point in not choosing the evil ending. Even if you're good all the way, you can still choose the evil choice at the end, get the Sword of Demon Evil and not even change alignment! And you get to flip people off and hip thrust, and they still love you! What is this bullshit?!?
-If you don't have Assassin Rush, you are fucked. Seriously. You could be strong enough to laugh mountains in half and have the Sword of Jesus Eater and you STILL can't breach an enemy's guard if he blocks. But if you do have Assassin Rush, almost everyone falls to your might.
-Fucking pixie douches. Yeah, they're evil naked 13 year old little girl faeries that shoot fire out at you and summon little pygmies. Irritating.
-The story feels rushed, big time. It's like, for a while you're rolling at a nice and smooth pace and it's all good and OMGWTF APOCALYPSE! Just like that.
-A lot of the voice actors are clearly phoning it in, sometimes almost literally. The nameless characters that crave your seed are good actors sure, but is it so hard to ask main character VAs to NOT suck ass? Please? This is an experience here.
-There's a stealth portion involving getting into a bandit village that sucks all kind of ass. Hope you didn't brag that you would kill under 40 people.
-Jack of Blades is a fucking pedophile, man. I swear to God. Maybe that's a good thing since he's the last boss, but honestly, don't prolong the death of child touchers. And he's the one you get the Sword of Orphanage Immolation from.
-You can't kill the Chief in Knothole Glade. Not even with the Sword of Puppy Skinning! That's really only a gripe for assholes like me. And what is it with the penthouse-high property costs there? If you kill everyone in a town, shouldn't that make it your town by default?
If you have an Xbox or a moderately okay computer and are interested, consider the above before buying. Want to beat children but don't like pixies? A chart of joy and pain-bringing might be in order. Feel like beating gays but not playing a video game? You should probably seek counseling. Fable had many ups, that's for sure, but don't be mistaken. There are a fair share of downs too, and while they aren't annoying like cheap assholes in Halo 2 are annoying, they do kind of lower it a tad.
But before I go, a list of things said expansion claims to add or amend:
* 8 New Hat/Helmets - Two to match the games good and evil platemail, two to match the good and evil will user's suits, one helmet for the new "Archon's" suit of armor, a "pimp hat", a fisherman's hat, and a chicken hat.
* 5 New Silver Keys, and a few more silver key chests, including one that requires 30 keys to open.
* 2 New Suits of armor - the "Fire Assasin" armor, which is very similar to the normal assasin armor but with a red cloth and designs, and the armor of Archon, which is a shinier version of the standard platemail in the game.
* 1 New torso armor - The hooded guild apprentice shirt. (There is no dark version of this hooded shirt)
* Briar Rose, a hero who was almost entirely scrapped from the original release, is now included in several main quests and sidequests.
* Scythe, another hero who was cut from the original game, is now a primary character in the new end game, and appears early in the game based on character actions.
* There is a killable dragon - who serves as the game's new final boss.
* Several new demon doors
* The Northern Wastes, which were cut from the original release, are back. There are about 6 new locations there, which contains a new town, a demon door, some silver key chests, and an extension of the story.
* The Darkwood Bordello, an area cut from the darkwood portion of the game - finding it allows access to a couple sidequests, a new demon door, and of course, a house full of prostitutes.
* Several new weapons, including a sword called Avo's Tear, which acts as an opposite to the devastating Sword of Aeons. Avo's Tear can only be aquired by a good character after destroying the Sword of Aeons in what was the original end of the game. This time, after the sequence the game continues, and if you undertake a sidequest, you can obtain this new sword.
* The Hero may now solve the mystery surrounding the death of Lady Grey's sister.
* The Hero can now become the Mayor of Bowerstone. There have yet to be any advantages found from doing so, however.
* Several sidequests and minigames. Minigames include the new chicken kicking competition in Oakvale, and the fishing competition at Fisherman's Creek. One of the sidequests involves donating books to the Bowerstone school, as well as curing a local boy of a terrible sickness (although it is not-so-subtly hinted that he's hallucinating from eating a mushroom).
* New Monsters - Ice Trolls, Wraiths, & 2 flavors of Summoners.
* New Actions - The hero may now do several new dances, many of which are quite humorous, like the "cossack dance".
Yes.
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