Metal Gear ASS
Metal Gear Ac!d is the worst Metal Gear game ever made. God, this game is AWFUL. You can tell right off the bat that Kojima had minimal/zero involvement by plot alone. Demon puppets take over an airplane with a presidential candidate onboard, so you have to steal a Metal Gear from Africa! Yay! On top of that, they put forth the theory that, despite the first game's intricate plot, Solid Snake is actually a man named Hans that just invented the idea of Snake to become a role model. I can't make this up. The dialogue is ass as well, big time. They make Snake look like a big dumb ass who has to reiterate every instruction given to him. Example:
Roger: The only way to progress here is to eliminate all hostiles.
Snake:In order to progress, I must eliminate all the hostiles?
Roger: Yes.
Snake: With guns?*
Snake: Roger, I'm here, but I think it's a trap.
Roger: Gary said to go in that room, Snake.
Snake: Yeah, but can we trust him?
Roger: We won't know until you go in there, Snake, so get a move on!
Snake: I see your point, Roger. I'm going in.**
(*Not actual dialogue)
(**Actual dialogue)
Of course it's absolutely no surprise whatsoever that there is no voice acting in this game. David Hayter wouldn't let this dialogue shit into his ears, and we shouldn't either. You can't pay anyone to say these lines. Also cut out is cutscenes, despite the fact that they're working with a machine that plays DVDs. Yeah, cartoon images ripping off Metroid Fusion are much better. You assholes.
Pictured: Hans "Fucking Plot Hole" Davis. Not pictured: the death of my soul.
Gameplay wise, it's really fun. Or at least it would be, if there weren't some retarded flaws. Grenades - useless! You toss one, every enemy on the map gets away from it and next to your head with a rifle before it explodes. Why an army gets to take TWO FULL TURNS before a grenade with a five second fuse explodes is beyond me. Do you think this just applies to grenades? Well, you'd be incorrect. It applies to Nikita missiles too! You see, even missiles have to wait for their turn, even if you just fired them. Which means soliders can walk up and shoot your frozen missile before it gets away from you and kill you instantaneously!
You will never see this happen.
Claymores also tend to explode at your feet before you can get away from them, despite the fact that these claymores are designed to explode in a particular direction that isn't supposed to be where the bomb setter is standing. The other big annoyance is the button assignments - namely triangle. Since soldiers take FOREVER to take their turns, triangle fast forwards their movment. Good idea right? Not if the same button when held down automatically skips your turn when it comes to you. This has happened to me dozens of times. Then of course there's the damage ratios that just go insane. For instance: a soldier shooting you in the back of the head does 7 damage a shot. If you are across the map, up a hill and behind a tree, however, his accuracy is greater and his damage is 18 a shot. And he's shooting at your feet. Clearly, I'm missing something. On top of that, there are Ninjas! No, not the Grey Fox kind. The kind that are invisible and can attack you from any place on the map entirely without provocation! God, this game is excellent.
Imagine this, but the otherway around. See you in Hell, Hans.
Movement is great too. I hope you don't like utlizing stealth aspects in a stealth game, or you're beyond fucked. Snake gets two turns a round; it can take up to THREE TURNS just to lay flat and crawl into a space. No, I'm not kidding. They make hiding in this game impossible. All the movement cards add up to a cost so high, you end up sitting there waiting for your turn while every soldier in ALL OF AFRICA find you and systematically rape you.
You're gonna be there all day, buddy.
Which brings me to my next point: camping. Yes, once you have a two member party, I hope you've packed a lunch. Since this game's idiot savant AI makes absolutely no sense, it should come as no surprise that guys have the ability to magically see across maps and surround one you. They just shoot you to death and then stand around your body, waiting for you to ressurect (once every three turns.) Yep, they just stand there. Wait for you to stand up with one health. And plug you again. And they'll just keep doing it until your other character kills them.
Instead of a radar in this game, you get this person. Yep, instead of using tried and true technology to, you know, help you out, they have a little girl with a doll who can "remotely view" things. Comes. It's nice to know Snake can translate words into usable data just as fast as if he were seeing it on a radar. I'm sorry, I mean Hans.
Evil camera robot...walky...death...sentry...crap.
The only attractive character in this game is an evil Jew. Why attractive? Female. Why evil Jew? Her name is Teliko Friedman (WTF?) and she decides randomly to backstab you for no apparent reason at all. Nope, just basically screws you. Okay then, Teliko. Also note the tactical platform disco shoes she wears on the battlefield.
There are times when this game makes me miss even this asshole.
It's a good idea that's disappointingly executed. I won't even go into detail about how poorly the card system is explained. Suffice to say that it will take you the first four levels to realize half the crap Roger is telling you is at least partially incorrect. This kind of crap wouldn't normally bug me at all if it didn't have Metal Gear slapped in the name. I can handle retarded plots on games that don't have the MGS series' record, but come on. It's like they tranq'd Hideo and stuffed him in a locker.
PS: IGN loved this game.
Roger: The only way to progress here is to eliminate all hostiles.
Snake:In order to progress, I must eliminate all the hostiles?
Roger: Yes.
Snake: With guns?*
Snake: Roger, I'm here, but I think it's a trap.
Roger: Gary said to go in that room, Snake.
Snake: Yeah, but can we trust him?
Roger: We won't know until you go in there, Snake, so get a move on!
Snake: I see your point, Roger. I'm going in.**
(*Not actual dialogue)
(**Actual dialogue)
Of course it's absolutely no surprise whatsoever that there is no voice acting in this game. David Hayter wouldn't let this dialogue shit into his ears, and we shouldn't either. You can't pay anyone to say these lines. Also cut out is cutscenes, despite the fact that they're working with a machine that plays DVDs. Yeah, cartoon images ripping off Metroid Fusion are much better. You assholes.
Pictured: Hans "Fucking Plot Hole" Davis. Not pictured: the death of my soul.
Gameplay wise, it's really fun. Or at least it would be, if there weren't some retarded flaws. Grenades - useless! You toss one, every enemy on the map gets away from it and next to your head with a rifle before it explodes. Why an army gets to take TWO FULL TURNS before a grenade with a five second fuse explodes is beyond me. Do you think this just applies to grenades? Well, you'd be incorrect. It applies to Nikita missiles too! You see, even missiles have to wait for their turn, even if you just fired them. Which means soliders can walk up and shoot your frozen missile before it gets away from you and kill you instantaneously!
You will never see this happen.
Claymores also tend to explode at your feet before you can get away from them, despite the fact that these claymores are designed to explode in a particular direction that isn't supposed to be where the bomb setter is standing. The other big annoyance is the button assignments - namely triangle. Since soldiers take FOREVER to take their turns, triangle fast forwards their movment. Good idea right? Not if the same button when held down automatically skips your turn when it comes to you. This has happened to me dozens of times. Then of course there's the damage ratios that just go insane. For instance: a soldier shooting you in the back of the head does 7 damage a shot. If you are across the map, up a hill and behind a tree, however, his accuracy is greater and his damage is 18 a shot. And he's shooting at your feet. Clearly, I'm missing something. On top of that, there are Ninjas! No, not the Grey Fox kind. The kind that are invisible and can attack you from any place on the map entirely without provocation! God, this game is excellent.
Imagine this, but the otherway around. See you in Hell, Hans.
Movement is great too. I hope you don't like utlizing stealth aspects in a stealth game, or you're beyond fucked. Snake gets two turns a round; it can take up to THREE TURNS just to lay flat and crawl into a space. No, I'm not kidding. They make hiding in this game impossible. All the movement cards add up to a cost so high, you end up sitting there waiting for your turn while every soldier in ALL OF AFRICA find you and systematically rape you.
You're gonna be there all day, buddy.
Which brings me to my next point: camping. Yes, once you have a two member party, I hope you've packed a lunch. Since this game's idiot savant AI makes absolutely no sense, it should come as no surprise that guys have the ability to magically see across maps and surround one you. They just shoot you to death and then stand around your body, waiting for you to ressurect (once every three turns.) Yep, they just stand there. Wait for you to stand up with one health. And plug you again. And they'll just keep doing it until your other character kills them.
Instead of a radar in this game, you get this person. Yep, instead of using tried and true technology to, you know, help you out, they have a little girl with a doll who can "remotely view" things. Comes. It's nice to know Snake can translate words into usable data just as fast as if he were seeing it on a radar. I'm sorry, I mean Hans.
Evil camera robot...walky...death...sentry...crap.
The only attractive character in this game is an evil Jew. Why attractive? Female. Why evil Jew? Her name is Teliko Friedman (WTF?) and she decides randomly to backstab you for no apparent reason at all. Nope, just basically screws you. Okay then, Teliko. Also note the tactical platform disco shoes she wears on the battlefield.
There are times when this game makes me miss even this asshole.
It's a good idea that's disappointingly executed. I won't even go into detail about how poorly the card system is explained. Suffice to say that it will take you the first four levels to realize half the crap Roger is telling you is at least partially incorrect. This kind of crap wouldn't normally bug me at all if it didn't have Metal Gear slapped in the name. I can handle retarded plots on games that don't have the MGS series' record, but come on. It's like they tranq'd Hideo and stuffed him in a locker.
PS: IGN loved this game.
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