More Timeless Dialogue From The Shitty Watchmen Script
I couldn't resist, after further reading. Just so you know, you won't get most of this and why it's so terrible unless you've actually read Watchmen. If you haven't, this post is a big waste of your time. So without any further ado, let us begin this show:
VEIDT
At first we could only watch the past. Now we can reach out and touch it.
He steps over to the rifle, peers through the telescopic sight.
VEIDT
It ate up enough megawatts to light the eastern seaboard for a year and a half -- but last week I managed to open a dime-sized hole for almost three seconds.
(turning to face them)
In a minute I¹ll do it again. And if my aim is true, I¹ll put a bullet through Jon Osterman¹s heart . . . and Dr. Manhattan will never be born.
DREIBERG and RORSCHACH trade looks of disbelief.
RORSCHACH
. . . And they call me a fucking nut.
DREIBERG
Adrian. It¹s too late. The world is blowing up as we stand here.
VEIDT
Don¹t be obtuse, Daniel. If I kill Jon in the past, none of this will happen. We won¹t even be here, will we?
DREIBERG
And what if you¹re wrong?
VEIDT
I¹m not.
DREIBERG
What if you¹re wrong??
VEIDT
Then I¹ve been a very bad boy and you¹ll have to spank me.
Who the fuck wrote this shit? Did they read Watchmen at all?!?
His sidekick, the small black KID who reads comic books, points to
the befuddled trio on the street and LAUGHS in gleeful recognition.
KID
Shit, man! It's Rorschach! And Night Owl!
YES! Token black kid!
DREIBERG
He's bound to get caught. I don't want my name coming out. Not at
this late date.
VEIDT
If he comes here, I'll handle him. Remember -- I've always protected
you. Haven't I?
(slight pause)
Do you need money?
DREIBERG
No. I just wanted you to --
VEIDT
You did the right thing, Daniel. Let's stay in touch, okay?
Yeah, they're totally making Veidt gay.
Behind RORSCHACH's back, a shadowy figure is slinking furtively
toward the exit. RORSCHACH pivots suddenly, grabs him by the collar,
yanks him off his feet and slams him into a wall.
RORSCHACH (cont.)
Nicky the Jap. In a hurry? You keeping secrets, Nicky?
Nicky the Jap?!?! The Hell is this bullshit?
DREIBERG
Damn straight! We were heroes.
LAURIE
Of course, we looked like idiots in those bondage outfits.
DREIBERG
Well, that was Adrian's idea. I know he's the smartest man in the
world and all that, but -- talk about publicity hounds . . .
Maybe this post should just be about how Veidt is begayed. Yes, I made up a new word.
SCHMIDT
You're not "protecting" anyone. These people's lives may depend on
the answers you give.
(holding up the sheaf of photos)
These are all former associates of Dr. Manhattan --
LAURIE
Then why don't you ask him?!?
Furious, she pushes herself away from the table and moves to a nearby
window. The AGENTS exhange cool glances. Like all experienced
torturers, they understand the value of patience.
LAURIE (cont.)
I want to get dressed. -- And I'd like a cigarette.
In case you were wondering, this is the situation. She just finds out she may be irradiated from being with Dr. Manhattan, right? So what do they do? They interrogate her without any clothes. WTF? Are we still talking Watchmen here? Jesus fuck.
CHMIDT
Sit down, Miss Juspeczyk. As I mentioned, the people in this file
are all close associates of Dr. Manhattan. They have something else
in common as well.
(beat)
They've all developed a fairly . . . exotic form of lymphatic cancer.
Oh, and on top of that, all of the Watchmen have cancer. No it's not speculation this time, and it's more than just Sally Jupiter and the old bad guy. Rorschach, Ozymantias, Nightowl....ALL DYING OF CANCER.
SCHMIDT
Six to eight months. That's with treatment. -- Perhaps now you can
see why it's so vital that we locate your . . . friends.
Oh, and they have less than a year to live. But they aren't feeling the effects yet, oh no. It's not like these deadly cancers make you, you know, feel pain or anything. You just don't wake up one day. IDIOT SCRIPT.
DR. MANHATTAN's gone several paces before he realizes there's a
problem. Eventually, though, he turns -- and spots LAURIE clawing at
the air, trying and failing to draw a breath. He walks patiently back
and extends his hand; LAURIE grabs it, and is magically surrounded by
a HALO OF OXYGEN.
DR. MANHATTAN
The atmosphere. I'm sorry. These things slip my mind.
I suppose the fact that Mars is considerably farther from the sun and is much colder slipped your mind too. Of course, since this is Hollyworld, she doesn't freeze or even shiver, despite the lack of any kind of protection at all.
RORSCHACH
Veidt's not stupid. Could have angle. -- Might be good move.
What kills me about this shit is that this is how Rorschach talks all the time in the novel. However, in the movie script, he's only in character a fourth of the time. But then, this thing is a mindfield of mindblowing shit, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
DR. MANHATTAN
Time is the key, Laurie. If I can unlock the origins of time, I'll
finally be able to reconcile quantum physics and relativity.
Well, thank God you'll finally solve that completely unrelated to the plot item.
DR. MANHATTAN (cont.)
Do you understand me, Laurie? Do you see what it's been like for me
these last years? Knowing that everything I knew and loved would be
destroyed . . . and that by leaving Earth, I would be the helpless
agent of its destruction?
LAURIE
(sobbing)
Then why don't you . . . do something about it!
DR. MANHATTAN
Because --
LAURIE
Because you can't, I know, it's preordained. So sorry. I forgot.
(angrily)
Jon. This, this "script" you're following . . . who writes it?
DR. MANHATTAN
I don't know yet. I should be able to tell you in -- roughly six
hundred years.
Well, patience is a virtue, after all. I mean, it's not like you can look into the future or...wait...
RORSCHACH
What happened?
DREIBERG
The guidance system's fried. I had to switch to manual. -- Some
kind of massive electromagnetic shockwave.
RORSCHACH
What caused it?
DREIBERG
Don't know. Nothing I can think of --
(apprehensively)
-- outside of a nuclear blast.
Yes, they're feeling the EMP effects of a nuclear blast that only occured tens of thousands of miles away. True story.
RORSCHACH reaches into his trenchcoat and pulls out a RHODOPSIN
FLASHER -- the same weapon CAPT. METROPOLIS used in the opening
scene. Suddenly . . .
RORSCHACH
VEIDT!
VEIDT WHIRLS. He flings a PLATTER, Frisbee-style, across the hall;
it catches RORSCHACH on the chin and sends him sprawling. DREIBERG
backs against a wall in horror as the LYNX comes sprinting toward
him, TEETH BARED.
Fun fact: It takes Rorschach six seconds to fire a gun after shouting something in BS Land.
VEIDT
Blake thought the Russians were trying to spirit off our researchers
-- to create their own nuclear superman. It wasn't Russia.
(tapping his chest)
It was me. When he figured that out, of course I had to kill
him. The rest of it -- Rorschach's capture, my "assassination" --
that was just to keep you busy. All that really mattered was getting
rid of Dr. Manhattan.
DREIBERG
What??
VEIDT
I couldn't let him interfere with my project.
RORSCHACH
Veidt. You're the one who started World War III.
VEIDT
No. I just hastened the inevitable.
(smiling)
He's been ready to blow for years. I knew all it would take was a
little push. So I, uh . . . gave his friends and associates
cancer.
This is the fucking plot of this movie. Not a look at an alternate version of the future where heroes are more commonplace. Not a complex "who's right and who's wrong?" mind bender. No no, nothing remotely intelligent about this. A guy who has magic powers has to leave the planet so this rich guy can make another version of him, which in the process of creation, starts a FUCKING WORLD WAR. Oh, but he changes his mind later and decides to use a time machine to shoot Dr. Manhattan before he's godlike. Can they even legally keep the name similar after this extreme butchery?
VEIDT (cont.)
One thing I've learned about cancer -- it's much easier to generate
than it is to cure.
WHAT?!? I did not know that!
DR. MANHATTAN
Something. . .incomprehensible has happened. It's all gone blank on
me. -- I can't remember the future.
That makes two of us.
VEIDT looks up in horror, just in time to see a BLUE BOLT OF LIGHTNING launching itself from DR. MANHATTAN¹s outstretched finger --
VEIDT
NO!!!!
-- and in the wink of an eye, he¹s VAPORIZED. All that¹s left is a pair of CHARRED BOOTS, still standing upright.
Well, at least it's not Rorschach.
DREIBERG, LAURIE and RORSCHACH spinning and tumbling through an
otherdimensional funhouse of sound and color. If space and time
could be compressed into a single extravagant E-ticket joyride, this
would be it. Their bodies contract and distend, warp and elongate;
their tortured mouths emit soundless shrieks; and then, before they
know it, they find themselves deposited --
Watchmen - it's like Scooby Doo, but on crack.
There's more, but I don't have the heart to look for it. You can only watch something you love get raped so many times, you know?
VEIDT
At first we could only watch the past. Now we can reach out and touch it.
He steps over to the rifle, peers through the telescopic sight.
VEIDT
It ate up enough megawatts to light the eastern seaboard for a year and a half -- but last week I managed to open a dime-sized hole for almost three seconds.
(turning to face them)
In a minute I¹ll do it again. And if my aim is true, I¹ll put a bullet through Jon Osterman¹s heart . . . and Dr. Manhattan will never be born.
DREIBERG and RORSCHACH trade looks of disbelief.
RORSCHACH
. . . And they call me a fucking nut.
DREIBERG
Adrian. It¹s too late. The world is blowing up as we stand here.
VEIDT
Don¹t be obtuse, Daniel. If I kill Jon in the past, none of this will happen. We won¹t even be here, will we?
DREIBERG
And what if you¹re wrong?
VEIDT
I¹m not.
DREIBERG
What if you¹re wrong??
VEIDT
Then I¹ve been a very bad boy and you¹ll have to spank me.
Who the fuck wrote this shit? Did they read Watchmen at all?!?
His sidekick, the small black KID who reads comic books, points to
the befuddled trio on the street and LAUGHS in gleeful recognition.
KID
Shit, man! It's Rorschach! And Night Owl!
YES! Token black kid!
DREIBERG
He's bound to get caught. I don't want my name coming out. Not at
this late date.
VEIDT
If he comes here, I'll handle him. Remember -- I've always protected
you. Haven't I?
(slight pause)
Do you need money?
DREIBERG
No. I just wanted you to --
VEIDT
You did the right thing, Daniel. Let's stay in touch, okay?
Yeah, they're totally making Veidt gay.
Behind RORSCHACH's back, a shadowy figure is slinking furtively
toward the exit. RORSCHACH pivots suddenly, grabs him by the collar,
yanks him off his feet and slams him into a wall.
RORSCHACH (cont.)
Nicky the Jap. In a hurry? You keeping secrets, Nicky?
Nicky the Jap?!?! The Hell is this bullshit?
DREIBERG
Damn straight! We were heroes.
LAURIE
Of course, we looked like idiots in those bondage outfits.
DREIBERG
Well, that was Adrian's idea. I know he's the smartest man in the
world and all that, but -- talk about publicity hounds . . .
Maybe this post should just be about how Veidt is begayed. Yes, I made up a new word.
SCHMIDT
You're not "protecting" anyone. These people's lives may depend on
the answers you give.
(holding up the sheaf of photos)
These are all former associates of Dr. Manhattan --
LAURIE
Then why don't you ask him?!?
Furious, she pushes herself away from the table and moves to a nearby
window. The AGENTS exhange cool glances. Like all experienced
torturers, they understand the value of patience.
LAURIE (cont.)
I want to get dressed. -- And I'd like a cigarette.
In case you were wondering, this is the situation. She just finds out she may be irradiated from being with Dr. Manhattan, right? So what do they do? They interrogate her without any clothes. WTF? Are we still talking Watchmen here? Jesus fuck.
CHMIDT
Sit down, Miss Juspeczyk. As I mentioned, the people in this file
are all close associates of Dr. Manhattan. They have something else
in common as well.
(beat)
They've all developed a fairly . . . exotic form of lymphatic cancer.
Oh, and on top of that, all of the Watchmen have cancer. No it's not speculation this time, and it's more than just Sally Jupiter and the old bad guy. Rorschach, Ozymantias, Nightowl....ALL DYING OF CANCER.
SCHMIDT
Six to eight months. That's with treatment. -- Perhaps now you can
see why it's so vital that we locate your . . . friends.
Oh, and they have less than a year to live. But they aren't feeling the effects yet, oh no. It's not like these deadly cancers make you, you know, feel pain or anything. You just don't wake up one day. IDIOT SCRIPT.
DR. MANHATTAN's gone several paces before he realizes there's a
problem. Eventually, though, he turns -- and spots LAURIE clawing at
the air, trying and failing to draw a breath. He walks patiently back
and extends his hand; LAURIE grabs it, and is magically surrounded by
a HALO OF OXYGEN.
DR. MANHATTAN
The atmosphere. I'm sorry. These things slip my mind.
I suppose the fact that Mars is considerably farther from the sun and is much colder slipped your mind too. Of course, since this is Hollyworld, she doesn't freeze or even shiver, despite the lack of any kind of protection at all.
RORSCHACH
Veidt's not stupid. Could have angle. -- Might be good move.
What kills me about this shit is that this is how Rorschach talks all the time in the novel. However, in the movie script, he's only in character a fourth of the time. But then, this thing is a mindfield of mindblowing shit, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
DR. MANHATTAN
Time is the key, Laurie. If I can unlock the origins of time, I'll
finally be able to reconcile quantum physics and relativity.
Well, thank God you'll finally solve that completely unrelated to the plot item.
DR. MANHATTAN (cont.)
Do you understand me, Laurie? Do you see what it's been like for me
these last years? Knowing that everything I knew and loved would be
destroyed . . . and that by leaving Earth, I would be the helpless
agent of its destruction?
LAURIE
(sobbing)
Then why don't you . . . do something about it!
DR. MANHATTAN
Because --
LAURIE
Because you can't, I know, it's preordained. So sorry. I forgot.
(angrily)
Jon. This, this "script" you're following . . . who writes it?
DR. MANHATTAN
I don't know yet. I should be able to tell you in -- roughly six
hundred years.
Well, patience is a virtue, after all. I mean, it's not like you can look into the future or...wait...
RORSCHACH
What happened?
DREIBERG
The guidance system's fried. I had to switch to manual. -- Some
kind of massive electromagnetic shockwave.
RORSCHACH
What caused it?
DREIBERG
Don't know. Nothing I can think of --
(apprehensively)
-- outside of a nuclear blast.
Yes, they're feeling the EMP effects of a nuclear blast that only occured tens of thousands of miles away. True story.
RORSCHACH reaches into his trenchcoat and pulls out a RHODOPSIN
FLASHER -- the same weapon CAPT. METROPOLIS used in the opening
scene. Suddenly . . .
RORSCHACH
VEIDT!
VEIDT WHIRLS. He flings a PLATTER, Frisbee-style, across the hall;
it catches RORSCHACH on the chin and sends him sprawling. DREIBERG
backs against a wall in horror as the LYNX comes sprinting toward
him, TEETH BARED.
Fun fact: It takes Rorschach six seconds to fire a gun after shouting something in BS Land.
VEIDT
Blake thought the Russians were trying to spirit off our researchers
-- to create their own nuclear superman. It wasn't Russia.
(tapping his chest)
It was me. When he figured that out, of course I had to kill
him. The rest of it -- Rorschach's capture, my "assassination" --
that was just to keep you busy. All that really mattered was getting
rid of Dr. Manhattan.
DREIBERG
What??
VEIDT
I couldn't let him interfere with my project.
RORSCHACH
Veidt. You're the one who started World War III.
VEIDT
No. I just hastened the inevitable.
(smiling)
He's been ready to blow for years. I knew all it would take was a
little push. So I, uh . . . gave his friends and associates
cancer.
This is the fucking plot of this movie. Not a look at an alternate version of the future where heroes are more commonplace. Not a complex "who's right and who's wrong?" mind bender. No no, nothing remotely intelligent about this. A guy who has magic powers has to leave the planet so this rich guy can make another version of him, which in the process of creation, starts a FUCKING WORLD WAR. Oh, but he changes his mind later and decides to use a time machine to shoot Dr. Manhattan before he's godlike. Can they even legally keep the name similar after this extreme butchery?
VEIDT (cont.)
One thing I've learned about cancer -- it's much easier to generate
than it is to cure.
WHAT?!? I did not know that!
DR. MANHATTAN
Something. . .incomprehensible has happened. It's all gone blank on
me. -- I can't remember the future.
That makes two of us.
VEIDT looks up in horror, just in time to see a BLUE BOLT OF LIGHTNING launching itself from DR. MANHATTAN¹s outstretched finger --
VEIDT
NO!!!!
-- and in the wink of an eye, he¹s VAPORIZED. All that¹s left is a pair of CHARRED BOOTS, still standing upright.
Well, at least it's not Rorschach.
DREIBERG, LAURIE and RORSCHACH spinning and tumbling through an
otherdimensional funhouse of sound and color. If space and time
could be compressed into a single extravagant E-ticket joyride, this
would be it. Their bodies contract and distend, warp and elongate;
their tortured mouths emit soundless shrieks; and then, before they
know it, they find themselves deposited --
Watchmen - it's like Scooby Doo, but on crack.
There's more, but I don't have the heart to look for it. You can only watch something you love get raped so many times, you know?
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