¡EL COPOUT GRANDE!
Since no one has written anything in...going on like a month now, I'll just copy-paste something about GIRLS from Travis' MySpace, which I most certainly do not read on a regular basis and judge with an overly extreme and critical eye. Never. Sadly, this is because I am nowhere near as gangsterly as I'd like to be before I start judging others. You understand. I'm just not in the right place, gangsterwise.
Anyhow, let's just get to the bullshit.
I AM: Turned ON or OFF when a girl:
dresses like a slut: Pretty much definitely off. It usually (always) implies how loose the particular female is, which means bumps on your no fly zone. Fiesta!
dresses like a grandma: Is this a serious question? Yes, I love shirts that look like they used to be quilts. And orthopedic shoes. SO HOT.
dresses like a prep: This is an eh for me. It comes down to the personality. If the person is irritating, the look completes it.
dresses in all black: I do it quite regularly and think I look rather dashing (not gangsterly, mind you.)Like fucking Zorro. Well, not that dashing. If I were that dashing, clothes would explode into nonexistence on my whim alone. The bottom line is it just can't come off as goth douche. That means no fake teary makeup.
doesn't care what she wears: That can be a plus, so long as "doesn't care" doesn't extend into "enjoys recycled paper."
sings: Actually, this is usually a MAJOR turnoff for me, and usually because girls almost all have the same "might be good if it were, you know, better" generic singing voice. ARGH! Sing different! Or not at all, preferably. Humming? That can be cute. Sure. I like cute. But don't try power ballads. You can't do them. Stop.
plays a musical instrument: It depends on how they view themselves based on this. If you think you're the shit because you can rock the trumpet, you're probably just shit. Unless you have the charisma to pull off the bragging. Or you rock bagpipes. That's default cool.
is skinnier than you: For me, this could only imply anorexics and necrophilia. No thanks.
is bigger than you: Based on the previous answer, yes. I'm actually not real big on skinny girls. They make okay wallpapers (for the computer, not in the fucking crazy Buffalo Bill [Figure out the reference yourself] way). I like girls with a little substance. Fat? No, not really. Substantial? YES.
is shorter than you: Funny thing is that every girl I've ever been attracted to was shorter than me. Except Rebecca. So I guess this must be yes.
is taller than you: I don't mind. Height's not really a big deal. I'm not one of those insecure, I can't handle tall women because my dick might be small kind of people. Woah, too much info.
has straight teeth: Yea. Yeah, that's definitely a plus.
wears braces: This is another case by case thing. Mitigating factors make this a nonissue, usually. So it's neither on or off.
has chapped lips: Well, it's not a turn on for anyone really, but I'm not real harsh on it. It gets dry. Real dry.I know how it is. You're sucking face with someone one second, and the next, half your bare flesh slides off your face. I know how it is.
has green eyes: Definite on. I'm bizzare when it comes to eyes. See more below.
has blue eyes: On as well. I really am into blue and green eyes, if they're real. Asians with blue contacts just look scary. Except Miho. She's already scary.
has brown eyes: I don't like brown eyes, because I have them. I don't know why, I've never liked them. Some people hate their fat, others hate their big nose or small boobs, but I hate my eyes. To me eyes are like the most important part of the body. They tell you everything about someone's feelings, thoughts. So I don't hate brown eyes, per se, but rather, I hate MY brown eyes.
has long hair: Myha's hair smacking me repeatedly has made this a turnoff. Hair in the eyes and mouth haven't helped. Sorry, hair.
has short hair: Well, it's not long, right? Right. But, indepenedent of the fact that it isn't long hair, yes, I think short hair is quite sexeh.
drinks alcohol: Off, big time at this stage. It's not legal and if you do, most likely you drink irresponsibly. And I HATE DRUNKS. My father is one. If you're drunk around me, I will drag you into the street and leave you at the mercy of natural selection. I'm not kidding.
smokes cigarettes:Off. That shit stinks. It looks cool, I know, and I sometimes wish it didn't have the side effects it does, but it does. Not only does it stink while you're smoking them, but your hair, skin, and clothes smell too. Yellow teeth accompany this as well.
smokes pot: Off. Sorry, Jason. I don't care about people's PERSONAL choices so much, but relationship wise, it's a bleh for me.
wears glasses: Can be on, unless you don't actually need them. Then, you're a social whore.
has blonde hair: I don't like blondes. I don't know why. Never have. Probably never will. Especially fake blondes. Go live in the fucking colony in Orinda if you're gonna pull that bullshit. Social whore.
has brown hair: On. It works for me.
has black hair: You pretty much can't go wrong with black hair, unless you dyed it from a much lighter color. Then, you're a faker and a social whore.
is tan: Tans work for me. I tan. And I love me so fucking much, despite my lack of gangsterly properties.
works out: This is an iffy. It depends on how much. In shape? Awesome. Buff? Please evacuate immediately.
smiles more than not: Well, that's good. You don't want someone who just mopes around all the time. It makes YOU mope around. And moping blows.
calls you just to say HI: It depends. It can be nice in the right amounts, but if it's every ten minutes, I'm coming over, and it's not to make out with you. It's to strangle you with the phone cord. I don't care if your phone is cordless. I will strangle you with a phone cord I've summoned from pure will alone.
smacks your butt: I...don't know. Never happened. I don't know how I'd respond. Maybe I'd get outraged. Maybe I'd giggle. Maybe I'd rip a horrendously loud fart. Want to brave it?
compliments you: It's good, as long as it's genuine. It's always nice to hear something nice. If it's fake, don't bother. If you can't be honest, don't be around.
shaves her legs: Well, I don't like leg fur, so yeah. But I don't need supermodel wax, you know? A little hair is understandable and acceptable. To a degree.
wears jewelry: I dunno. As long as it doesn't get in the way, if you know what I mean. That spinal....no. I'm not even gonna go there.
has bigger feet than you: Proportionate feet are a turn on. Bigger, sure, if they fit the rest of your body.
has smaller feet than you: Read above. What is with this micromanaging, anyhow?
wears perfume: That fruit spray smells like monkey vomit. Stop spraying nine gallons of it on your flesh. Here's how you know you're wearing too much: if I drop a lit match on you and you turn to human ash, YOU'RE WEARING TOO MUCH SHIT SPRAY. I've smelled good perfumes, though. Moderation is the key. Vera Wang. Always good. I know, I'm gay. It smells good though. Seriously.
smiles: On, for sure.
wants to be a mom:Right now? Jesus, OFF.
has long legs: As long as they aren't tree stump stubby, they suit me fine.
has a big ass: Define "big." Well sized? Sure. Smuggling Mexicans? NO.
has a long upper body: WTF? Yes, I like at least ten feet between belly button and top of neck. Any less then that and I don't even look at you. What kind of question is this?
Has Big Boobs: Again, define big. Well sized? Sure. Pert? Even better. Bigger than Sapp's boxing gloves? Remember, gravity wages cosntant war on boobs, and eventually wins. So big boobs turn into big mudflaps of fat. Think old biker chicks. So, smaller can be good too. Just as long as you're not a level surface, really.
wears granny panties: No. Those panties that are almost big enough to be shirts are the black holes of sexy. No thanks.
wears a thong: It depends. Is it a leap for this person, to be wearing this risque item? Then yes, definitely. Is this a normal garment, mainly for easy access rather than cosmetic purposes? Then no. Reiterated: on girls you wouldn't expect, yes, because clearly they're making a big leap for you. I mean, look at those things. Would you wear a thong for your girlfriend? On whores, no, I don't want a quick port to your VD. Then again, I really don't like anything about whores, so I may just be partial.
is a virgin: On for me. I'm really in a learning mode right now, and it's very good when I'm with someone who's also learning, so that mistakes that would seem retarded as hell to someone more experienced has almost zero impact. I like taking it slow, and if you've fucked by now, chances are you don't move slow. I'm definitely not a rusher when it comes to sex. I want it to happen when it's right, not as soon as physically possible. Shit, then I'd be DW.
is "easy": Off. Read pretty much everything above. As a guy, of course it appeals to at least a partial degree to my less sophisticated side, if you catch my drift. But for me, it's pretty much no go. Besides, I can't think of anyone easy that I don't hate. Seriously, in the extremely unlikely case that someone got all over me (you know drunk or whatever) and it was in an alternate universe where I didn't have a girlfriend, I would push the offender away. Hell, if Myha got drunk in this reality (unlikely) and did something like that, I wouldn't. I don't like the thought of taking advantage of someone. You know, rape? Yeah, not really for me. Wow, this is a long answer.
shaves/has tile not carpet: Tile? That's an interesting expression. I will say this: regular maintenance. Mow your lawn, but don't raze the land. Too much hair is gross and also gets in the way, but consider razor burn. Harsh red bumps don't look much better. And I don't want someone to injure that zone for my pedophilic tastes. No, I'm not a pedophile, it was a jab at the "shave it" crowd. SO I say leave a little hair. It grows there for a reason, right? Is this too much information again? I'm sorry.
So that's it. Yeah. Now you have insight into my innermost desires! Oh noes! I am exposed! I'm gonna work on prepping a more gangsterly defense to take you bitches on. Yeah yeah!
Anyhow, let's just get to the bullshit.
I AM: Turned ON or OFF when a girl:
dresses like a slut: Pretty much definitely off. It usually (always) implies how loose the particular female is, which means bumps on your no fly zone. Fiesta!
dresses like a grandma: Is this a serious question? Yes, I love shirts that look like they used to be quilts. And orthopedic shoes. SO HOT.
dresses like a prep: This is an eh for me. It comes down to the personality. If the person is irritating, the look completes it.
dresses in all black: I do it quite regularly and think I look rather dashing (not gangsterly, mind you.)Like fucking Zorro. Well, not that dashing. If I were that dashing, clothes would explode into nonexistence on my whim alone. The bottom line is it just can't come off as goth douche. That means no fake teary makeup.
doesn't care what she wears: That can be a plus, so long as "doesn't care" doesn't extend into "enjoys recycled paper."
sings: Actually, this is usually a MAJOR turnoff for me, and usually because girls almost all have the same "might be good if it were, you know, better" generic singing voice. ARGH! Sing different! Or not at all, preferably. Humming? That can be cute. Sure. I like cute. But don't try power ballads. You can't do them. Stop.
plays a musical instrument: It depends on how they view themselves based on this. If you think you're the shit because you can rock the trumpet, you're probably just shit. Unless you have the charisma to pull off the bragging. Or you rock bagpipes. That's default cool.
is skinnier than you: For me, this could only imply anorexics and necrophilia. No thanks.
is bigger than you: Based on the previous answer, yes. I'm actually not real big on skinny girls. They make okay wallpapers (for the computer, not in the fucking crazy Buffalo Bill [Figure out the reference yourself] way). I like girls with a little substance. Fat? No, not really. Substantial? YES.
is shorter than you: Funny thing is that every girl I've ever been attracted to was shorter than me. Except Rebecca. So I guess this must be yes.
is taller than you: I don't mind. Height's not really a big deal. I'm not one of those insecure, I can't handle tall women because my dick might be small kind of people. Woah, too much info.
has straight teeth: Yea. Yeah, that's definitely a plus.
wears braces: This is another case by case thing. Mitigating factors make this a nonissue, usually. So it's neither on or off.
has chapped lips: Well, it's not a turn on for anyone really, but I'm not real harsh on it. It gets dry. Real dry.I know how it is. You're sucking face with someone one second, and the next, half your bare flesh slides off your face. I know how it is.
has green eyes: Definite on. I'm bizzare when it comes to eyes. See more below.
has blue eyes: On as well. I really am into blue and green eyes, if they're real. Asians with blue contacts just look scary. Except Miho. She's already scary.
has brown eyes: I don't like brown eyes, because I have them. I don't know why, I've never liked them. Some people hate their fat, others hate their big nose or small boobs, but I hate my eyes. To me eyes are like the most important part of the body. They tell you everything about someone's feelings, thoughts. So I don't hate brown eyes, per se, but rather, I hate MY brown eyes.
has long hair: Myha's hair smacking me repeatedly has made this a turnoff. Hair in the eyes and mouth haven't helped. Sorry, hair.
has short hair: Well, it's not long, right? Right. But, indepenedent of the fact that it isn't long hair, yes, I think short hair is quite sexeh.
drinks alcohol: Off, big time at this stage. It's not legal and if you do, most likely you drink irresponsibly. And I HATE DRUNKS. My father is one. If you're drunk around me, I will drag you into the street and leave you at the mercy of natural selection. I'm not kidding.
smokes cigarettes:Off. That shit stinks. It looks cool, I know, and I sometimes wish it didn't have the side effects it does, but it does. Not only does it stink while you're smoking them, but your hair, skin, and clothes smell too. Yellow teeth accompany this as well.
smokes pot: Off. Sorry, Jason. I don't care about people's PERSONAL choices so much, but relationship wise, it's a bleh for me.
wears glasses: Can be on, unless you don't actually need them. Then, you're a social whore.
has blonde hair: I don't like blondes. I don't know why. Never have. Probably never will. Especially fake blondes. Go live in the fucking colony in Orinda if you're gonna pull that bullshit. Social whore.
has brown hair: On. It works for me.
has black hair: You pretty much can't go wrong with black hair, unless you dyed it from a much lighter color. Then, you're a faker and a social whore.
is tan: Tans work for me. I tan. And I love me so fucking much, despite my lack of gangsterly properties.
works out: This is an iffy. It depends on how much. In shape? Awesome. Buff? Please evacuate immediately.
smiles more than not: Well, that's good. You don't want someone who just mopes around all the time. It makes YOU mope around. And moping blows.
calls you just to say HI: It depends. It can be nice in the right amounts, but if it's every ten minutes, I'm coming over, and it's not to make out with you. It's to strangle you with the phone cord. I don't care if your phone is cordless. I will strangle you with a phone cord I've summoned from pure will alone.
smacks your butt: I...don't know. Never happened. I don't know how I'd respond. Maybe I'd get outraged. Maybe I'd giggle. Maybe I'd rip a horrendously loud fart. Want to brave it?
compliments you: It's good, as long as it's genuine. It's always nice to hear something nice. If it's fake, don't bother. If you can't be honest, don't be around.
shaves her legs: Well, I don't like leg fur, so yeah. But I don't need supermodel wax, you know? A little hair is understandable and acceptable. To a degree.
wears jewelry: I dunno. As long as it doesn't get in the way, if you know what I mean. That spinal....no. I'm not even gonna go there.
has bigger feet than you: Proportionate feet are a turn on. Bigger, sure, if they fit the rest of your body.
has smaller feet than you: Read above. What is with this micromanaging, anyhow?
wears perfume: That fruit spray smells like monkey vomit. Stop spraying nine gallons of it on your flesh. Here's how you know you're wearing too much: if I drop a lit match on you and you turn to human ash, YOU'RE WEARING TOO MUCH SHIT SPRAY. I've smelled good perfumes, though. Moderation is the key. Vera Wang. Always good. I know, I'm gay. It smells good though. Seriously.
smiles: On, for sure.
wants to be a mom:Right now? Jesus, OFF.
has long legs: As long as they aren't tree stump stubby, they suit me fine.
has a big ass: Define "big." Well sized? Sure. Smuggling Mexicans? NO.
has a long upper body: WTF? Yes, I like at least ten feet between belly button and top of neck. Any less then that and I don't even look at you. What kind of question is this?
Has Big Boobs: Again, define big. Well sized? Sure. Pert? Even better. Bigger than Sapp's boxing gloves? Remember, gravity wages cosntant war on boobs, and eventually wins. So big boobs turn into big mudflaps of fat. Think old biker chicks. So, smaller can be good too. Just as long as you're not a level surface, really.
wears granny panties: No. Those panties that are almost big enough to be shirts are the black holes of sexy. No thanks.
wears a thong: It depends. Is it a leap for this person, to be wearing this risque item? Then yes, definitely. Is this a normal garment, mainly for easy access rather than cosmetic purposes? Then no. Reiterated: on girls you wouldn't expect, yes, because clearly they're making a big leap for you. I mean, look at those things. Would you wear a thong for your girlfriend? On whores, no, I don't want a quick port to your VD. Then again, I really don't like anything about whores, so I may just be partial.
is a virgin: On for me. I'm really in a learning mode right now, and it's very good when I'm with someone who's also learning, so that mistakes that would seem retarded as hell to someone more experienced has almost zero impact. I like taking it slow, and if you've fucked by now, chances are you don't move slow. I'm definitely not a rusher when it comes to sex. I want it to happen when it's right, not as soon as physically possible. Shit, then I'd be DW.
is "easy": Off. Read pretty much everything above. As a guy, of course it appeals to at least a partial degree to my less sophisticated side, if you catch my drift. But for me, it's pretty much no go. Besides, I can't think of anyone easy that I don't hate. Seriously, in the extremely unlikely case that someone got all over me (you know drunk or whatever) and it was in an alternate universe where I didn't have a girlfriend, I would push the offender away. Hell, if Myha got drunk in this reality (unlikely) and did something like that, I wouldn't. I don't like the thought of taking advantage of someone. You know, rape? Yeah, not really for me. Wow, this is a long answer.
shaves/has tile not carpet: Tile? That's an interesting expression. I will say this: regular maintenance. Mow your lawn, but don't raze the land. Too much hair is gross and also gets in the way, but consider razor burn. Harsh red bumps don't look much better. And I don't want someone to injure that zone for my pedophilic tastes. No, I'm not a pedophile, it was a jab at the "shave it" crowd. SO I say leave a little hair. It grows there for a reason, right? Is this too much information again? I'm sorry.
So that's it. Yeah. Now you have insight into my innermost desires! Oh noes! I am exposed! I'm gonna work on prepping a more gangsterly defense to take you bitches on. Yeah yeah!
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