Bullshit Dissemination 101
Since I got the first two seasons of Penn and Teller: Bullshit!, a show I believe to be the best ever made in all time periods past, present and future, I'm in the mood to do a little debunking of my own. Of course, unlike the show, I don't have a team of dedicated researchers that go out and destroy utopian dreams like the recycling program and the war on drugs, but I did happen to see something so ridiculously inane, I couldn't help myself. Yes, it's childish and probably a waste of your time and mine, but damnit, this shit pisses me off. I would have glossed over it if they had not said "it's 100% true." BULLSHIT.
Think about this... You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
See, I told you.
1. At least 2 people in this world LOVE you so much they would DiE for you.
You'd think with a claim like the one above they'd start with something that actually was true. Every person in the world knows two people who love them so much they would die for them? Come on. What about recluses? What about assholes? What about street junkies and the homeless? What about Tom Cruise? It's crap. Chances are yes, you have someone or some people who love you. But enough to die for you? And two, no less? Let's be realistic here.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
Here's the vaguest statement of all time. Love you in some way can mean anything. I love how your breath smells in the morning. I love that because you're mortal, you'll eventually die. Yes, that counts. And is that really love? Come on.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
Now that's just insane. I defy you to find someone who wants to be like Hitler. Or an asshole business man going through a midlife crisis while he pushes his family farther and farther away. I know for Goddamn sure that Alexis does not want to be like me. I think she's made that clear ten times over, as I have her. Stupid phrase.
4. A SMiLE from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Really? You think so? Try smiling after you've given someone the finger. I'm gonna chalk this one up to naivity, since I know a person or four that actually get pissed off by smiles. Shit, try smiling in the right circumstances. You cut someone off in traffic and smile at them, I doubt they're thinking happy thoughts about you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
Really? How many orphans do you think this applies to? Or people in retirement homes? Oops, nobody loves you.
6. You mean the world to someone.
Again, I'm gonna pull the orphan and elderly card. If you meant so much, why haven't you been adopted yet? If you ask me, you sound pretty unwanted. Chances are, if you did mean the world to someone you wouldn't have been given up in the first place.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
This statement doesn't actually mean anything. Since there's no definite at all, it's basically showing how zero impact you can be. If not for you, maybe garbage would make it in the trash can more often. What? It doesn't mean anything. They're just trying to be vague to make more people feel like fucking heroes. You aren't heroes.
8. You are special&unique.
HAHAHAHAHA! If everyone is special and unique, no one is special and unique. With six billion people on the planet, there is nothing about you that doesn't exist in thousands of other people. Oops.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
If you are entirely unaware of their existence, there is no possible way this person could possibly love you in any true sense. Sorry, you're thinking of lust and attraction. Love ain't that easy, bitch.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
Now you're just making shit up. Tell me, what good would come from say....accidentally pushing someone down a flight of stairs? Oops, you're an idiot! Unless you consider getting sued to be something good, you masochistic freak. You disgust me.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
This one doesn't seem to fit since it's trying to add artificial guilt. There's no way in Hell this happens to everyone. Sometimes you get shit luck and no one cares. That's life, ho.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you BELiEVE in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
Another statement that isn't actually saying anything. So if you do things differently, results *could* change...maybe. Why don't you just say this, "If you substitute behavior X for behavior Y, there's a possibility that outcome Z, rather than outcome W, will occur. But it could still be W. Even if you do X, Y, and H." FUCK! This sounds more directed to spoiled people than anything. What, if you have enough charisma and drive, you can annoy the shit out of your parents enough to bend them to your will? Real fucking inspiring.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. FORGET about the rude remarks.
Yes, only hear the positive. Never listen to criticism of any kind. Growing through learning your mistakes is the worst thing you could ever do. If necessary, find friends that are just bags of hot air, only capable of recycling comments about your positive qualities. Chances are, if they think there's some way you can change for the better, they'll probably never be real friend material. Swap often to ensure freshness.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
First off, this is not a true statement. They've gone from making general (and generally incorrect) statements about nothing to giving directives. Now the word true does not apply. Secondly, if I told my former boss how I truly felt, I would not feel much better, because he would have beat me with a pot or given me a one way ticket to Fist City.
15. If you have a GREAT FRiEND, take the time to let them know that they are great.
For a change of pace, I'm going to call all my friends money thieving, untrustworthy pedophiles. Take that, bitches!
add this as a comment to ten of ur friends tonight and at midnight a magical Harley Davidson carrying Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny will come to your door and grant you three wishes on one condition: you speak fluent Arabic. Something strange will happen to you at 2:25 tomorrow when you discover that your house is not as big as it used to be! That's because you now have full body elephantitis. Get ready for the biggest shock of your life, because the last person you slept with had Super AIDS, and now you just may have it too! Whoever breaks this chain letter will be incinerated in a giant nonbeliever furnace and their property will be auctioned off in the interest of government spending. The male next of kin in your family will also get punched straight in the nuts repeatedly until he screams for mercy.
Okay, so I made all of that up, but come on. People who mail this shit really should get Super AIDS, and that's a fictional disease! Besides, I don't believe in curses that were created by people who can't spell. Idiots generally aren't real potent in the dark arts. Anyone who thinks this shit is clever is clearly beyond saving and should be added to the secret list. Matt knows what I'm talking about. And who's to blame here?
The face of Evil.
Oh, and by the way, if you don't watch Bullshit, you're really missing out. Big time.
Think about this... You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
See, I told you.
1. At least 2 people in this world LOVE you so much they would DiE for you.
You'd think with a claim like the one above they'd start with something that actually was true. Every person in the world knows two people who love them so much they would die for them? Come on. What about recluses? What about assholes? What about street junkies and the homeless? What about Tom Cruise? It's crap. Chances are yes, you have someone or some people who love you. But enough to die for you? And two, no less? Let's be realistic here.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
Here's the vaguest statement of all time. Love you in some way can mean anything. I love how your breath smells in the morning. I love that because you're mortal, you'll eventually die. Yes, that counts. And is that really love? Come on.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
Now that's just insane. I defy you to find someone who wants to be like Hitler. Or an asshole business man going through a midlife crisis while he pushes his family farther and farther away. I know for Goddamn sure that Alexis does not want to be like me. I think she's made that clear ten times over, as I have her. Stupid phrase.
4. A SMiLE from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Really? You think so? Try smiling after you've given someone the finger. I'm gonna chalk this one up to naivity, since I know a person or four that actually get pissed off by smiles. Shit, try smiling in the right circumstances. You cut someone off in traffic and smile at them, I doubt they're thinking happy thoughts about you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
Really? How many orphans do you think this applies to? Or people in retirement homes? Oops, nobody loves you.
6. You mean the world to someone.
Again, I'm gonna pull the orphan and elderly card. If you meant so much, why haven't you been adopted yet? If you ask me, you sound pretty unwanted. Chances are, if you did mean the world to someone you wouldn't have been given up in the first place.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
This statement doesn't actually mean anything. Since there's no definite at all, it's basically showing how zero impact you can be. If not for you, maybe garbage would make it in the trash can more often. What? It doesn't mean anything. They're just trying to be vague to make more people feel like fucking heroes. You aren't heroes.
8. You are special&unique.
HAHAHAHAHA! If everyone is special and unique, no one is special and unique. With six billion people on the planet, there is nothing about you that doesn't exist in thousands of other people. Oops.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
If you are entirely unaware of their existence, there is no possible way this person could possibly love you in any true sense. Sorry, you're thinking of lust and attraction. Love ain't that easy, bitch.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
Now you're just making shit up. Tell me, what good would come from say....accidentally pushing someone down a flight of stairs? Oops, you're an idiot! Unless you consider getting sued to be something good, you masochistic freak. You disgust me.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
This one doesn't seem to fit since it's trying to add artificial guilt. There's no way in Hell this happens to everyone. Sometimes you get shit luck and no one cares. That's life, ho.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you BELiEVE in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
Another statement that isn't actually saying anything. So if you do things differently, results *could* change...maybe. Why don't you just say this, "If you substitute behavior X for behavior Y, there's a possibility that outcome Z, rather than outcome W, will occur. But it could still be W. Even if you do X, Y, and H." FUCK! This sounds more directed to spoiled people than anything. What, if you have enough charisma and drive, you can annoy the shit out of your parents enough to bend them to your will? Real fucking inspiring.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. FORGET about the rude remarks.
Yes, only hear the positive. Never listen to criticism of any kind. Growing through learning your mistakes is the worst thing you could ever do. If necessary, find friends that are just bags of hot air, only capable of recycling comments about your positive qualities. Chances are, if they think there's some way you can change for the better, they'll probably never be real friend material. Swap often to ensure freshness.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
First off, this is not a true statement. They've gone from making general (and generally incorrect) statements about nothing to giving directives. Now the word true does not apply. Secondly, if I told my former boss how I truly felt, I would not feel much better, because he would have beat me with a pot or given me a one way ticket to Fist City.
15. If you have a GREAT FRiEND, take the time to let them know that they are great.
For a change of pace, I'm going to call all my friends money thieving, untrustworthy pedophiles. Take that, bitches!
add this as a comment to ten of ur friends tonight and at midnight a magical Harley Davidson carrying Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny will come to your door and grant you three wishes on one condition: you speak fluent Arabic. Something strange will happen to you at 2:25 tomorrow when you discover that your house is not as big as it used to be! That's because you now have full body elephantitis. Get ready for the biggest shock of your life, because the last person you slept with had Super AIDS, and now you just may have it too! Whoever breaks this chain letter will be incinerated in a giant nonbeliever furnace and their property will be auctioned off in the interest of government spending. The male next of kin in your family will also get punched straight in the nuts repeatedly until he screams for mercy.
Okay, so I made all of that up, but come on. People who mail this shit really should get Super AIDS, and that's a fictional disease! Besides, I don't believe in curses that were created by people who can't spell. Idiots generally aren't real potent in the dark arts. Anyone who thinks this shit is clever is clearly beyond saving and should be added to the secret list. Matt knows what I'm talking about. And who's to blame here?
The face of Evil.
Oh, and by the way, if you don't watch Bullshit, you're really missing out. Big time.
Comments