Why Titanic Made Me Cry: Part One (Of Three)
As a child, I watched a lot of films. Like most people reading this, I've seen a lot of good, and a lot of bad. But there is one prevailing film that towers above them all, makes them all shrink in puny comparison. Smackes them down whenever they try to feebly stand. Shouts, "Fool! You will never compare! I shall know no equal for all of eternity!" It's a film that I've seen roughly 700 times, and for good reason. It fucking blows the socks off of everything I've ever seen ever.
That film is Terminator 2.
Perhaps you disagree, in which case, you would be wrong. Terminator 2 is the pinnacle of human society. No one will ever top it. That's just the sad truth. But to quiet the skeptics and enlighten the unenlightened, I will do a review of the masterpiece-which-knows-no-equal. And when I am done, you will see why I make such massive claims. You will see why Titanic, which was directed by the same director, made me cry.
And no, I didn't cry because that movie was good, just in case you were wondering.
Also note that I'm reviewing the extended version of the Greatest Film Ever Made, which notably includes 2 (two) extra segments involving children getting destroyed by nuclear hellfire as well as others that will be mentioned shortly.
We open up on a crowded highway. People are driving through thick traffic. At a nearby park, an innocent child swings on a swing. The music is really Metroid-depressing so you don't feel right. Then slow white flash... and everyone is dead. The sky is black. It's Los Angeles, 2029. The street is not paved with asphault anymore, no. It's paved with fucking skulls. Child skulls, bitch. You see that same park, only it's charred and full of death. There are like fifty tricycles around because damnit, James Cameron likes fucking tricycles. A metallic foot stomps down, cracking a kiddie skull in two. It's a fucking Terminator. If you don't know what a Terminator is, picture a robot skeleton from Hell with giant guns and could-be laser eyes. And it exists to kill you and your whole family and everyone you know. THAT'S ITS ONLY PURPOSE. To murder EVERYONE. Anyhow, cut to some resistance fighters stuggling uselessly with these steel demons. Two or three get offed in fifteen seconds. One Terminator is using two guns. One of these guns would be too heavy for a normal person. That's how much ass he feels like kicking today. He bitchslapped the laws of physics so he could kill you double-time, Billy Blanks style. Then some resistance guys shoot down a plane, big deal. They let you harbor the illusion of trite victories before they crush your will utterly. That's how they roll. Anyhow, a jeep shoots completely ineffectually at a tank or something, who cares. A Terminator jet totally flips his shit over for being so ignorant. One Terminator is totally chilling out on the ground with one arm when some douche resistance guy shoots him. Of course you don't see the Terminator die because they never die. Cut to a tunnel and Sarah Conner (more on her later) is narrating about SkyNet, the God of these death machines. She mentions that SkyNet sends a Terminator back in time to kill the resistance leader John Conner, but the resistance is on top of that shit and sends another Terminator to fight him. Why? Because they can only send one man, and no one can kill a Terminator except another Terminator. Shut up if you saw the first movie. John's dad was part cyborg. He has robot blood, I swear. And he got lucky.
Anyhow, cut to a close up of John's face, and fire! Explosions everywhere. This is a fucking early ninties movie, if you don't like explosions, this movie will be your worst nightmare. But if you don't like explosions, I don't like you. Two panels of metal close on the screen with "Terminator 2 Judgement Day" etched in them, like every title sequence should be. The signature music kicks in to let you know, yes, your ass is in fact about to get rocked. Then, because James Cameron hates children as much as I do, cut to more burning playground equipment for good measure. Yeah. It's that kind of movie. And what the Hell, throw in another tricycle. What can I say? Cameron fucking loves his tricycles. Especially on fire. Then, zoom in on a Terminator's face. Did I mention how hardcore this movie is? The only way to make to opening sequence more manly is to throw in a montage of lumberjacks chopping down an orphanage with axes made from the bones of dead Nazi vampires. And don't think James Cameron didn't think of that. He just didn't want to cut out of his "fucking explosion budget" for something like that.
Back in 1997, a time bubble opens up at a truckstop near L.A. Because this is Terminator 2, the bubble totally tears up the ass end of a semi and some concrete. That's how they work. Anyway, Arnold, a T-800 Terminator (that stands for 800 times more badass than you will ever be) totally comes out of the bubble naked. He don't warp with clothes. That's just not his style. It gives him an excuse to kick even more ass than normal, and hey, whose book isn't that okay in? Anyhow, he totally scopes this biker bar for clothes and a ride. He sees a Yamaha and totally scans another bike because Terminators can't stand anything other than American steel between their legs. Don't ask me, I didn't make them. Anyhow, he enters the bar naked. He looks in to find more hot biker chicks than I'm convinced actually exist in reality. That is to say, like five. None of them are repulsive, which makes me question where the Hell they came from. But that's not important. He finds a man who fits his size and tells him he needs his clothes. The guy's smugly says "You forgot to say please." Arnold gives him the cold stare, making it clear that it was not, in fact, a request. The biker tries to put out a cigar on his naked chest. Please. He's a fucking Terminator. Arnold breaks his hand in stride because it's irritating him. Then some other douche breaks a pool cue off the back of T-800's head. But, since the stick is made of wood and not Terminator kryptonite, it is ENITIRELY INEFFECTUAL. Arnold blinks it off and then throws the offender through a window. This is the beginning of a drinking game starting now: take a shot everytime a Terminator breaks a window. Take another shot everytime he breaks one with someone else's body. Why do they do this? Because the only thing Terminators hate more than people and failing is window panes of any kind.
Back to the action. Arnold tosses the guy with his clothes into the kitchen and onto a stove that's still on. The guy tries in vain to get off but manages to burn himself like 12 times because this is the Greatest Movie Ever Made. He then falls off screaming in pain. Another guy tries to stab him but the knife doesn't even penetrate past the first layer of skin. Ooops! He takes the knife, smashes the guy into a pool table, then puts the knife through his back. The guy wails to get someone to pull it out. Another guy comes up with a pool cue that is also made of wood, but then mutters under his breath, "Oh shit. I bet he's a Terminator from the future. Best not be discrimnating, yo." Then he backs off. Arnold strolls into the kitchen with his tiny little wounds and leans over the dude with his clothes. The guy pulls a gun, clearly not recognizing that he's dealing with a machine invincible to everything at his disposal. Arnold just takes the gun because guns are fun. The biker reaches and hands him the keys to his bike as a peace offering. Arnold steps out of the bar clad in a fresh asskicking suit with a new ride. Why is he wearing all leather? Because it's Terminator 2. Right as he's about to ride off into the night some fat cook comes out with a short barrel shotgun. He tells him that he won't be able to let him leave. So Arnold gets in his face and snatches that shotgun from him and his cool shades for good measure. Keep in mind that if faced with the choice, Arnold would be wearing flannel over a Hazmat suit with cowboy boots to accentuate his utter manliness, but the closest available outfit was sadly the next best thing.He just doesn't have time to swing by a nuclear power plant, a lumberyard, and Texas right now, damnit. He's got a job to do. He jams the shotgun into a side saddle and rides off into the night.
Next comes the Terminator sent to kill John Conner. He appears at what looks like the shipping yard at Oakland but in L.A. He warps in with a similar time bubble. Unlike Arnold, you totally see this guy (his name is Robert Patrick's) ass. I guess that was to shut up all the bitches whining about the dead children. A cop pulls up and wonders what's going on as he notices the time bubble from Rob has burned a giant hole in a chain link fence. Since this is the bad guy, he doesn't even give the cop a chance to take off his clothes. He just murders the guy and copies them. Understand that this Terminator is a T-1000, which means he's made of liquid metal and can imitate the form of anyone he touches, but he can't turn into guns or complex machines. However, he can totally make knife arms and crowbar hands. Why? Because this movie is awesome. He takes the cop car and rides off similarly into the night.
Cut to the next morning. John Conner (who is like 15 or something like that) is working on his dirt bike with some throwaway friend who is only in this film for another fifteen minutes or so. John's foster mom tries to get up in his ass about cleaning his room, but he's not listening since he has more pressing matters to deal with. Also note that he's wearing a Public Enemy shirt, because, as I've said and will say many more times before this is over, this is the Greatest Movie Ever Made. Anyhow, the foster mom complains to the foster dad to tell him to clean his room. They are both assholes and for good reason - James Cameron wants you to hate foster parents. Why? Because that will make foster parenting unpopular, and more kids will end up without homes and die. I told you he hates kids as much as I do. So foster dad runs outside to bitch at John Conner but lo and behold, he's taking off on his bike! Please also note that they are in the best, nicest, least crowded part of L.A. I've ever seen, which means John won the foster parent lottery.
Cut to a state loony bin. The aforementioned Sarah Conner is doing pull-ups on a bed turned on its side in a small little cell. This leads me to two conclusions: either she's practicing to kick everyone's ass or she's auditioning to be Matt's wife. Either are equally believable to me. Anyhow, some doctors come up to her window and talk about how she dreams these evil machines are coming from the future to destroy mankind like it's not true. Wake up people, this shit is real. We only got 24 more years left before L.A. becomes, well, marginally better than it was before. Anyhow, after the show and tell session, the man-nurses come in to turn her bed back over. She totally gets ready to whomp some ass when one cheapshots her right in the solar plexus. Since she hasn't evolved into a Terminator yet, that really hurts, and she doubles over in pain. Then some guy who looks like Willy Brown with Down's Syndrome hits her with a stun stick and they dump some knockout drug into her throat. Why? Because they are assholes. There is no point in this at all.
Back at the foster home, Rob pulls up in a squad car. He knocks on the door and asks the foster parents where John is. They inform him that he just missed him and what did he do now, the little shit? Rob says something tantamount to oh nothin just gotta talk with him, and the parents mention some guy on a Harley coming earlier and is that related? Rob says no and wishes them a good day. The diabolical search continues. Also note that he gets a picture of John. Now he knows what he looks like. Blast!
At a teller machine not too far away, John and Throwaway Buddy are robbing a machine with an ingenius teller machine robbing device. Hey, kids can make those. I had like three back in my day. They score some cash to use at the arcade. Actually, they score more cash than they could ever use at the arcade but that just happens to be where they are going. As they put the cash in a backpack Doesn't Matter Pal asks about a pciture of Sarah that he comes across. John mentions that his mom is crazy blah blah blah. His hair reminds me of mine at that age, but his is longer on the right and shorter on the left. They get on the bike and ride towards the arcade, under the watchful eye of the good Terminator. Well, more positively moral inclined Terminator. Which is not to imply that he's moral or against killing or anything like that. He's a Terminator. I don't know if I told you that.
Back in the psycho ward, we see Sarah in a considerably more effeminate nightgown, which clearly indicates dream sequence. John's father pops up and mentions that John is in danger and get unincarcerated or he's done for. Then they make out and he disappears and she runs down hallways for a few minutes chasing him. She throws open double doors to reveal drinking game number two: kids getting nuked. Did I not tell you this movie was awesome? I'll let the first couple slide since I don't want people to die from alcohol poisoning, but from now on, every time Sarah dreams of kids getting nuked, take a shot. She wakes up to find herself back in her less womanly attire and those guards DIDN'T EVEN PUT THE FUCKING BED DOWN, which is why they came in the room in the first place. She is escorted to see her psychologist, who is reviewing her to see if she is fit for minimum security. They review a tape in which she lays down the events of the first film: a Terminator was sent to kill her but failed, and if something isn't done soon SkyNet will take control of the world and everyone will die. She says she doesn't believe that anymore but her shrink isn't buying it. She says that she doesn't believe the company covered up the robot incident. Then, a quick cut to the company labs reveals that, as a matter of fact, there was a cover up! Back at the ward, she tries to reason with him by telling him she just wants to see her son, and he basically tells her that is a pipe dream. So she jumps him, like any rational person would do. Bald bastard.
Cut to the canal system. John and Nameless are driving through the drained canal system, because as everyone in L.A. knows, that's the fastest way to get anywhere, or at least the fastest way to scratch your paint job with debris. As they are cruising through, T-800 spots them with his technovision and swerves out of traffic to follow. He makes a car swerve out of control and I'm almost positive some guy probably gives him the finger. Lucky bastard, Arnold doesn't have time to deal with you. And trust me, he would.
More later.
That film is Terminator 2.
Perhaps you disagree, in which case, you would be wrong. Terminator 2 is the pinnacle of human society. No one will ever top it. That's just the sad truth. But to quiet the skeptics and enlighten the unenlightened, I will do a review of the masterpiece-which-knows-no-equal. And when I am done, you will see why I make such massive claims. You will see why Titanic, which was directed by the same director, made me cry.
And no, I didn't cry because that movie was good, just in case you were wondering.
Also note that I'm reviewing the extended version of the Greatest Film Ever Made, which notably includes 2 (two) extra segments involving children getting destroyed by nuclear hellfire as well as others that will be mentioned shortly.
We open up on a crowded highway. People are driving through thick traffic. At a nearby park, an innocent child swings on a swing. The music is really Metroid-depressing so you don't feel right. Then slow white flash... and everyone is dead. The sky is black. It's Los Angeles, 2029. The street is not paved with asphault anymore, no. It's paved with fucking skulls. Child skulls, bitch. You see that same park, only it's charred and full of death. There are like fifty tricycles around because damnit, James Cameron likes fucking tricycles. A metallic foot stomps down, cracking a kiddie skull in two. It's a fucking Terminator. If you don't know what a Terminator is, picture a robot skeleton from Hell with giant guns and could-be laser eyes. And it exists to kill you and your whole family and everyone you know. THAT'S ITS ONLY PURPOSE. To murder EVERYONE. Anyhow, cut to some resistance fighters stuggling uselessly with these steel demons. Two or three get offed in fifteen seconds. One Terminator is using two guns. One of these guns would be too heavy for a normal person. That's how much ass he feels like kicking today. He bitchslapped the laws of physics so he could kill you double-time, Billy Blanks style. Then some resistance guys shoot down a plane, big deal. They let you harbor the illusion of trite victories before they crush your will utterly. That's how they roll. Anyhow, a jeep shoots completely ineffectually at a tank or something, who cares. A Terminator jet totally flips his shit over for being so ignorant. One Terminator is totally chilling out on the ground with one arm when some douche resistance guy shoots him. Of course you don't see the Terminator die because they never die. Cut to a tunnel and Sarah Conner (more on her later) is narrating about SkyNet, the God of these death machines. She mentions that SkyNet sends a Terminator back in time to kill the resistance leader John Conner, but the resistance is on top of that shit and sends another Terminator to fight him. Why? Because they can only send one man, and no one can kill a Terminator except another Terminator. Shut up if you saw the first movie. John's dad was part cyborg. He has robot blood, I swear. And he got lucky.
Anyhow, cut to a close up of John's face, and fire! Explosions everywhere. This is a fucking early ninties movie, if you don't like explosions, this movie will be your worst nightmare. But if you don't like explosions, I don't like you. Two panels of metal close on the screen with "Terminator 2 Judgement Day" etched in them, like every title sequence should be. The signature music kicks in to let you know, yes, your ass is in fact about to get rocked. Then, because James Cameron hates children as much as I do, cut to more burning playground equipment for good measure. Yeah. It's that kind of movie. And what the Hell, throw in another tricycle. What can I say? Cameron fucking loves his tricycles. Especially on fire. Then, zoom in on a Terminator's face. Did I mention how hardcore this movie is? The only way to make to opening sequence more manly is to throw in a montage of lumberjacks chopping down an orphanage with axes made from the bones of dead Nazi vampires. And don't think James Cameron didn't think of that. He just didn't want to cut out of his "fucking explosion budget" for something like that.
Back in 1997, a time bubble opens up at a truckstop near L.A. Because this is Terminator 2, the bubble totally tears up the ass end of a semi and some concrete. That's how they work. Anyway, Arnold, a T-800 Terminator (that stands for 800 times more badass than you will ever be) totally comes out of the bubble naked. He don't warp with clothes. That's just not his style. It gives him an excuse to kick even more ass than normal, and hey, whose book isn't that okay in? Anyhow, he totally scopes this biker bar for clothes and a ride. He sees a Yamaha and totally scans another bike because Terminators can't stand anything other than American steel between their legs. Don't ask me, I didn't make them. Anyhow, he enters the bar naked. He looks in to find more hot biker chicks than I'm convinced actually exist in reality. That is to say, like five. None of them are repulsive, which makes me question where the Hell they came from. But that's not important. He finds a man who fits his size and tells him he needs his clothes. The guy's smugly says "You forgot to say please." Arnold gives him the cold stare, making it clear that it was not, in fact, a request. The biker tries to put out a cigar on his naked chest. Please. He's a fucking Terminator. Arnold breaks his hand in stride because it's irritating him. Then some other douche breaks a pool cue off the back of T-800's head. But, since the stick is made of wood and not Terminator kryptonite, it is ENITIRELY INEFFECTUAL. Arnold blinks it off and then throws the offender through a window. This is the beginning of a drinking game starting now: take a shot everytime a Terminator breaks a window. Take another shot everytime he breaks one with someone else's body. Why do they do this? Because the only thing Terminators hate more than people and failing is window panes of any kind.
Back to the action. Arnold tosses the guy with his clothes into the kitchen and onto a stove that's still on. The guy tries in vain to get off but manages to burn himself like 12 times because this is the Greatest Movie Ever Made. He then falls off screaming in pain. Another guy tries to stab him but the knife doesn't even penetrate past the first layer of skin. Ooops! He takes the knife, smashes the guy into a pool table, then puts the knife through his back. The guy wails to get someone to pull it out. Another guy comes up with a pool cue that is also made of wood, but then mutters under his breath, "Oh shit. I bet he's a Terminator from the future. Best not be discrimnating, yo." Then he backs off. Arnold strolls into the kitchen with his tiny little wounds and leans over the dude with his clothes. The guy pulls a gun, clearly not recognizing that he's dealing with a machine invincible to everything at his disposal. Arnold just takes the gun because guns are fun. The biker reaches and hands him the keys to his bike as a peace offering. Arnold steps out of the bar clad in a fresh asskicking suit with a new ride. Why is he wearing all leather? Because it's Terminator 2. Right as he's about to ride off into the night some fat cook comes out with a short barrel shotgun. He tells him that he won't be able to let him leave. So Arnold gets in his face and snatches that shotgun from him and his cool shades for good measure. Keep in mind that if faced with the choice, Arnold would be wearing flannel over a Hazmat suit with cowboy boots to accentuate his utter manliness, but the closest available outfit was sadly the next best thing.He just doesn't have time to swing by a nuclear power plant, a lumberyard, and Texas right now, damnit. He's got a job to do. He jams the shotgun into a side saddle and rides off into the night.
Next comes the Terminator sent to kill John Conner. He appears at what looks like the shipping yard at Oakland but in L.A. He warps in with a similar time bubble. Unlike Arnold, you totally see this guy (his name is Robert Patrick's) ass. I guess that was to shut up all the bitches whining about the dead children. A cop pulls up and wonders what's going on as he notices the time bubble from Rob has burned a giant hole in a chain link fence. Since this is the bad guy, he doesn't even give the cop a chance to take off his clothes. He just murders the guy and copies them. Understand that this Terminator is a T-1000, which means he's made of liquid metal and can imitate the form of anyone he touches, but he can't turn into guns or complex machines. However, he can totally make knife arms and crowbar hands. Why? Because this movie is awesome. He takes the cop car and rides off similarly into the night.
Cut to the next morning. John Conner (who is like 15 or something like that) is working on his dirt bike with some throwaway friend who is only in this film for another fifteen minutes or so. John's foster mom tries to get up in his ass about cleaning his room, but he's not listening since he has more pressing matters to deal with. Also note that he's wearing a Public Enemy shirt, because, as I've said and will say many more times before this is over, this is the Greatest Movie Ever Made. Anyhow, the foster mom complains to the foster dad to tell him to clean his room. They are both assholes and for good reason - James Cameron wants you to hate foster parents. Why? Because that will make foster parenting unpopular, and more kids will end up without homes and die. I told you he hates kids as much as I do. So foster dad runs outside to bitch at John Conner but lo and behold, he's taking off on his bike! Please also note that they are in the best, nicest, least crowded part of L.A. I've ever seen, which means John won the foster parent lottery.
Cut to a state loony bin. The aforementioned Sarah Conner is doing pull-ups on a bed turned on its side in a small little cell. This leads me to two conclusions: either she's practicing to kick everyone's ass or she's auditioning to be Matt's wife. Either are equally believable to me. Anyhow, some doctors come up to her window and talk about how she dreams these evil machines are coming from the future to destroy mankind like it's not true. Wake up people, this shit is real. We only got 24 more years left before L.A. becomes, well, marginally better than it was before. Anyhow, after the show and tell session, the man-nurses come in to turn her bed back over. She totally gets ready to whomp some ass when one cheapshots her right in the solar plexus. Since she hasn't evolved into a Terminator yet, that really hurts, and she doubles over in pain. Then some guy who looks like Willy Brown with Down's Syndrome hits her with a stun stick and they dump some knockout drug into her throat. Why? Because they are assholes. There is no point in this at all.
Back at the foster home, Rob pulls up in a squad car. He knocks on the door and asks the foster parents where John is. They inform him that he just missed him and what did he do now, the little shit? Rob says something tantamount to oh nothin just gotta talk with him, and the parents mention some guy on a Harley coming earlier and is that related? Rob says no and wishes them a good day. The diabolical search continues. Also note that he gets a picture of John. Now he knows what he looks like. Blast!
At a teller machine not too far away, John and Throwaway Buddy are robbing a machine with an ingenius teller machine robbing device. Hey, kids can make those. I had like three back in my day. They score some cash to use at the arcade. Actually, they score more cash than they could ever use at the arcade but that just happens to be where they are going. As they put the cash in a backpack Doesn't Matter Pal asks about a pciture of Sarah that he comes across. John mentions that his mom is crazy blah blah blah. His hair reminds me of mine at that age, but his is longer on the right and shorter on the left. They get on the bike and ride towards the arcade, under the watchful eye of the good Terminator. Well, more positively moral inclined Terminator. Which is not to imply that he's moral or against killing or anything like that. He's a Terminator. I don't know if I told you that.
Back in the psycho ward, we see Sarah in a considerably more effeminate nightgown, which clearly indicates dream sequence. John's father pops up and mentions that John is in danger and get unincarcerated or he's done for. Then they make out and he disappears and she runs down hallways for a few minutes chasing him. She throws open double doors to reveal drinking game number two: kids getting nuked. Did I not tell you this movie was awesome? I'll let the first couple slide since I don't want people to die from alcohol poisoning, but from now on, every time Sarah dreams of kids getting nuked, take a shot. She wakes up to find herself back in her less womanly attire and those guards DIDN'T EVEN PUT THE FUCKING BED DOWN, which is why they came in the room in the first place. She is escorted to see her psychologist, who is reviewing her to see if she is fit for minimum security. They review a tape in which she lays down the events of the first film: a Terminator was sent to kill her but failed, and if something isn't done soon SkyNet will take control of the world and everyone will die. She says she doesn't believe that anymore but her shrink isn't buying it. She says that she doesn't believe the company covered up the robot incident. Then, a quick cut to the company labs reveals that, as a matter of fact, there was a cover up! Back at the ward, she tries to reason with him by telling him she just wants to see her son, and he basically tells her that is a pipe dream. So she jumps him, like any rational person would do. Bald bastard.
Cut to the canal system. John and Nameless are driving through the drained canal system, because as everyone in L.A. knows, that's the fastest way to get anywhere, or at least the fastest way to scratch your paint job with debris. As they are cruising through, T-800 spots them with his technovision and swerves out of traffic to follow. He makes a car swerve out of control and I'm almost positive some guy probably gives him the finger. Lucky bastard, Arnold doesn't have time to deal with you. And trust me, he would.
More later.
Comments
I feel like seeing this movie now...