Apr 17, 2005

The Seams

You ever feel like life is just on the brink of falling apart? Like you're standing on the edge of a precipice, and you're about to fall over? I don't know why, but that's how I've felt recently. Like I'm standing under ground zero for an imminent shit slide. Ahh, the uncertainties of life. I know that the whole college thing is right around the corner and whatnot, but that's not really what I'm feeling. I mean, I don't feel like I have much of a future anyway. It's just that things have gotten so out of hand. Everything. All the little things that your mind never settles on...they just aren't right. My head is swimming right now. There are so many things I'm keeping balanced that I feel it's about to tip. That's what, the fourth time I've used an impending doom metaphor? But I'm being serious here.

I wish as always that things were easier. I dream of a place that's simpler. The Assassins story, that's one of my major releases. Sure, killing people has to be a major release, but I don't even mean it in that way. It's the characters. Stenn might be nuts, but he's got solidarity. He is vivid in the sense that he is who he is and that's always clear. I feel like a haze of uncertainty. I'm so many things at once that sometimes I don't even know who I am. There are times when I need to speak my mind but I won't. Those times are few and far between, granted, but when they happen they bug me that much more. Then there are times when I do speak my mind, and people invariably get hurt. And I'm not sorry. I'm never sorry. I'm so remorseless you have no idea. I am the embodiment of a complete lack of attachment. And yet I scratch desparately for love. Do I even want that? Or do I just want to not be alone? I ask myself that sometimes, and the answer is both. And one is overriding the other. It's hard to play the altruistic loner. Damn hard. To not settle. To not change to be more appealing to people. To wait for someone who actually meshes with you. It's so easy to just lie and be something you aren't. So easy, you have no idea. I do it every day. EVERY DAY. It's a weakness. The problem is that it drives me insane. I cannot stand the person I am, because no one else can. No, I don't mean that in the way it comes out. This is not a large tragic wail from someone with no friends and no one to lean on. This is one of those little pains that you let bleed out from within. I have friends. I won't lie about that. I won't try to factor them out of the equation to make how I feel seem more dire and apocolyptic. What I'm saying purely concerns that small crack in my life. The one that has fissured into a crevasse. My grades are ass and I don't care. I alienate a friend or two on a regular basis, and I'm upping the ante.

I'm just tired. So very tired of being someone I'm not. I just want to be me. I don't want to have to guess what the best way to respond to conjecture is. I don't want to have think about every word I say and form them into a way that appeals to you. I hate picking words. I want to find someone beautiful. You know. That kind of beauty that isn't looks. It isn't any of the crap that's supposed to be important. It's just clear as day in front of your face. The kind of person you feel right with. Not the easy person. Not the available person. Not the first person who holds you too. The person who, like you has flaws, and yes, let's work it out together. Let's bring our merits and our faults together and make something more than just ourselves, you know? Because flaws can be just as beautiful as merits.

I realize in all sobering reality that I am 18 years old and should not feel this way by biological standards for another, what, 22 years? That's a pretty heinous curse. And does such a love even exist? I've asked. I ask. I am a cosmic irony. What am I supposed to do? Can anyone answer that for me? Wait, wait. Patience. In due time. And what if tomorrow does not come? What am I missing here?

I see a girl who has been cheated on in every relationship she's ever been in. And I want so badly to make that pain go away. But can I? I see another girl who latches on so she isn't riding alone. I want her to see why this is the philosophy of pain. But can I? I see a girl moving in a downward spiral. Too proud. Too proud to see how much farther down she can fall. Too proud to see the way out. Can anyone help her? I see a girl who uses. Uses and uses and throws away. As remorseless as I am. Is she blind?

I see a girl. She's beautiful. I told her. Did she run away or did I chase her? She is always there, when the others have faded. She is my cosmic irony. I've got to move on. She is nothing but a scar. Moving on is easier to type than to do. Moving on is my weakness.

I want to be different. I want to be another idiot that doesn't feel. Doesn't feel a thing. I want to be simple. I want to be ruthless. I don't want to be weak. I am weak. I have a weakness for that which does not exist. I am chasing a dream and my reality is suffering for it. Grades determine your life, your future. That's what everyone says. I have thrown my future away for a dream. And I'm trying to wake up but I fear it's too late. I don't want the dream to turn into a coma. Maybe it always was. I am speaking nonsense but I do not know how to verbalize this helplessly alone feeling that is so terrifying. I am talking crazy but I am crazy.

I am just so Goddamned afraid of my life going nowhere. By my standards. I'm not success oriented. I'm happiness oriented. I'm afraid of being one of those people. You know. Or maybe you don't. Those people who just kind of fade. Never really are anything. Maybe never were anything.

Snap me out of this insane feeling. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. I'm in limbo. Someone slap me. Bring me back to reality here. I feel like I'm losing my GODDAMNED MIND. I'm a mess behind the mask I put on. They say comedians are the most tragic people. They stitch the senselessness of their lives together with humor. I think the Comedian was not named ironically, but truthfully. Comedians are miserable people. That's why they're so Goddamned funny. They just have nothing to hold back anymore.

Don't ask me if I'm okay tomorrow. Don't mention this post. There's no point. I'll just shrug it off. Blame it on insomnia or something. I don't want to have to explain myself. I don't want to talk about this. Any of it. I want to put it down so I can be separate from it. Where am I going with this? It seems I was going somewhere and went off the deep end like three paragraphs ago. I just want something that's my idea of right to happen some time soon. I guess. I don't know. Why are you still reading this? It's psychobabble. It's repressed imagery without sense. Goddamnit.

Matt, I want you to hit me in the face tomorrow. I'm not kidding. If you haven't read this, I will ask you in person. I need to get out of this funk before I lose the last vestiges of sanity I still possess.

No comments: