Big Empty
So I read part of Samantha's old blog entry again and stumbled across something that brought me to some conclusions that were hard to face, but as all hard things of its nature are, necessary. I haven't talked to Samantha yet, but I'm sure if she thought real hard she could figure out what I was talking about, especially if I said it had to do with the comments. There are some personal revelations that have come to me in the past few days that leave me dark to say the least. And the drama. Oh, the drama. How I tire of thee. I really want this post to be less cryptic, but until tomorrow that sadly cannot be. The people who went to the Gym today know what I'm talking about. I promise tomorrow you'll get the full story, one so good it will justify using another STP song title.
So I promised info and info you will have.
So anyhow, this all started when I originally began this post on whatever day that happened to be. Maybe two or three days ago. Anyhow, I ran across someone's blog by accident while going through the comments of one of Samantha's posts. I was bored, mind you. Anyhow, being the weak-willed person I am, I decided to read it. Just the first page of course. But I soon discovered that that was more than enough.
Now if you haven't figured it out already, of course I stumbled across Katy's blog. No, I'm not going to tell you where it is. Now, it's not like I felt this instant zing of "MUST TALK TO HER MUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH" when I read it. But I got that....feeling. I can't describe it. This of course when I'm going out with Myha (allegedly). And that's when I realized that this feeling, however small and confined to the pit of my stomach, was not present at all when I thought of Myha. In fact, I hadn't really thought of her at all, at least, not in the sense that people who are attracted to each other do. She didn't occupy a corner of my thoughts the way others have before. The way this girl, whom I haven't even fucking seen in like 6 months, did. And that brought on the weirdest, worst feeling I've ever felt. It was like I was cheating on my girlfriend, but I wasn't. I came to the realization that when it came down to it, I didn't really feel anything for her beyond friendship. Now, this might seem normal or nonshocking to someone else, but for someone who used to think that he could bend his own will to like people on command, it came as quite the system shock. I realized that no matter what I said, did, or thought, I would never feel for this person the way I felt for this relative stranger, even if that feeling was minute. And if that weren't enough, I got the feeling that she felt the same way, except she was denying it. And that was just unacceptable to me. I cannot bring myself to be in a false relationship like that. So I talked with her, and she assured me that it wasn't that way, and I went with it for about four hours until I remembered that the fundamental problem was with me, not her. Of course, by the next day (today) she was avoiding me entirely. She does say that she thought I was mad or something, but still. But I could not falter and let the thing go on any longer. I had to stop it before someone really got hurt.
Flash forward to earlier tonight. I get a bizzare almost-plea from someone who isn't Myha to reconsider. But I can't reconsider; this isn't like a hard council decision that was a close vote. It was clear to me. Like Matt-clear. You either feel or you don't. There are no shades of variance in this. So when she called later as I knew she inevitably would, I had to not fall into the trap of letting her try to continue holding it together. And she said some things that I found hard to believe, although she seemed sincere. And I told her pretty much everything above, which I know for me was awkward, telling someone, "Hey, I was just thinking about this other girl..." Of course, it wasn't worded that way. I don't want to seem like I'm discarding her for someone else, because I'm not. And so it ended, possibly tearfully, that I do not know. I shed no tears. I felt nothing as it seems I always have. I think that was harder for me than the breakup, although I think in this case it's not as bad as other cases of nonemotion.
Which of course begs the question: why did I even start in the first place? And the answer to that is very simple. She appealed to my senses, and it took some time (but clearly not much) for my brain to catch up. If you're going to hug on me and you're a female that I am even remotely attracted to (and my spectrum is clearly a large one), of course that's going to make me feel good inside. But the bottom line is I can't be with someone that I can't talk to, someone that I don't feel for on the level that matters. Which in a way comforts me because I know that sex appeal isn't enough for me. If I've learned anything, it's that a real relationship means more to me than anything else, bottom line. And that is a good feeling, learning something such as that about one's self. Now if I can retain the lesson without Myha's brother breaking my legs, all should be well.
*Addendum Since Another Post is Getting Off the Front*
Alexis, you said something about love finding you. I find this to be grievously false. If you wait for love, you better not hold your breath. I'm not implying that you should force it out of other people, or anything like that. But if you wait for something to come to you, don't wait too long. Love is out there for people to find. It doesn't find them. Nothing as important as love just falls into your lap. It is like going on a journey blindfolded; you may be very close, but if you sit down and wait for the end to come of itself, you'll find yourself sitting in the same place as the world goes by. I believe Brian's starting to pick up on this in college.
So I promised info and info you will have.
So anyhow, this all started when I originally began this post on whatever day that happened to be. Maybe two or three days ago. Anyhow, I ran across someone's blog by accident while going through the comments of one of Samantha's posts. I was bored, mind you. Anyhow, being the weak-willed person I am, I decided to read it. Just the first page of course. But I soon discovered that that was more than enough.
Now if you haven't figured it out already, of course I stumbled across Katy's blog. No, I'm not going to tell you where it is. Now, it's not like I felt this instant zing of "MUST TALK TO HER MUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH" when I read it. But I got that....feeling. I can't describe it. This of course when I'm going out with Myha (allegedly). And that's when I realized that this feeling, however small and confined to the pit of my stomach, was not present at all when I thought of Myha. In fact, I hadn't really thought of her at all, at least, not in the sense that people who are attracted to each other do. She didn't occupy a corner of my thoughts the way others have before. The way this girl, whom I haven't even fucking seen in like 6 months, did. And that brought on the weirdest, worst feeling I've ever felt. It was like I was cheating on my girlfriend, but I wasn't. I came to the realization that when it came down to it, I didn't really feel anything for her beyond friendship. Now, this might seem normal or nonshocking to someone else, but for someone who used to think that he could bend his own will to like people on command, it came as quite the system shock. I realized that no matter what I said, did, or thought, I would never feel for this person the way I felt for this relative stranger, even if that feeling was minute. And if that weren't enough, I got the feeling that she felt the same way, except she was denying it. And that was just unacceptable to me. I cannot bring myself to be in a false relationship like that. So I talked with her, and she assured me that it wasn't that way, and I went with it for about four hours until I remembered that the fundamental problem was with me, not her. Of course, by the next day (today) she was avoiding me entirely. She does say that she thought I was mad or something, but still. But I could not falter and let the thing go on any longer. I had to stop it before someone really got hurt.
Flash forward to earlier tonight. I get a bizzare almost-plea from someone who isn't Myha to reconsider. But I can't reconsider; this isn't like a hard council decision that was a close vote. It was clear to me. Like Matt-clear. You either feel or you don't. There are no shades of variance in this. So when she called later as I knew she inevitably would, I had to not fall into the trap of letting her try to continue holding it together. And she said some things that I found hard to believe, although she seemed sincere. And I told her pretty much everything above, which I know for me was awkward, telling someone, "Hey, I was just thinking about this other girl..." Of course, it wasn't worded that way. I don't want to seem like I'm discarding her for someone else, because I'm not. And so it ended, possibly tearfully, that I do not know. I shed no tears. I felt nothing as it seems I always have. I think that was harder for me than the breakup, although I think in this case it's not as bad as other cases of nonemotion.
Which of course begs the question: why did I even start in the first place? And the answer to that is very simple. She appealed to my senses, and it took some time (but clearly not much) for my brain to catch up. If you're going to hug on me and you're a female that I am even remotely attracted to (and my spectrum is clearly a large one), of course that's going to make me feel good inside. But the bottom line is I can't be with someone that I can't talk to, someone that I don't feel for on the level that matters. Which in a way comforts me because I know that sex appeal isn't enough for me. If I've learned anything, it's that a real relationship means more to me than anything else, bottom line. And that is a good feeling, learning something such as that about one's self. Now if I can retain the lesson without Myha's brother breaking my legs, all should be well.
*Addendum Since Another Post is Getting Off the Front*
Alexis, you said something about love finding you. I find this to be grievously false. If you wait for love, you better not hold your breath. I'm not implying that you should force it out of other people, or anything like that. But if you wait for something to come to you, don't wait too long. Love is out there for people to find. It doesn't find them. Nothing as important as love just falls into your lap. It is like going on a journey blindfolded; you may be very close, but if you sit down and wait for the end to come of itself, you'll find yourself sitting in the same place as the world goes by. I believe Brian's starting to pick up on this in college.
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