Down (Now With 50% More Assassin!)
So I've been gone from the intarweb a few days, and came back to some info that has me rather down. And by that I mean, to my surprise, really down. I guess I didn't ponder the possibility that has recently come to pass. At least one of you knows what I'm talking about. If you think I'm being cryptic, it's because I am.
I'll probably update this with something more readable later.
Alright, I know I make a big deal about being open with how I feel and not keeping any secrets (especially the other night) so I'm just going to stop being a hypocrite immeadiately. For about a week or so now, I've suspected that Myha might have had a crush on me. At first, I was wary for reasons I'll keep between myself and Wong, but as time went by I began to realize more and more how much being liked by someone female felt good. Also I must mention that for the past month or so that Sarah has totally been leaning on me and shit in Drama, but more on that later. Anyhow, I read her site earlier today to see that she mentioned someone she liked already having a girlfriend. Now I know me, and I know that I don't have a girlfriend. Which means I totally read her incorrectly, which totally blows because:
A: I don't like the idea of being off base to that extreme; I'd like to think that I'm at least quasi-proficient in reading the opposite sex.
B: She doesn't like me.
So by now I'm at the point where I realize just how much I feel set back by this. On top of that, Sarah isn't someone I'd go out with. It's not her personality, she's a nice person. But she does drugs, and that's something I just can't put up with. I tolerate it with friends sure, the idea of Jason smoking doesn't bother me at all, but I'm not considering dating Jason either. With a relationship it takes on a different level for me. And on top of that, Jason is way better about being drug responsible than Sarah is. I can just tell, and I don't even do them myself. Err, not to imply that I'm hitting on Jason here or anything. I'm totally ungay and even if I wasn't, he's already married to Lucio. I also entertained thoughts of Hannah in the back of my head again, although I kinda treated her like shit on Friday to close that door. I don't really want to complicate her life. So at this point I feel pretty down and out. Which is, I think, the perfect intro to the next series of paragraphs.
Talked with Matt about being an assassin. Funny thing is that I really can't fathom it as an impossibility. Seeing sides of people you didn't want to know existed gets to you. Or at least it gets to me, big time. And this is just fucking Alameda. For now, I'm contented to just write about assassins, however. More and more I find that violence, and even further the concept of killing someone, has practically no effect on me. At my great grandfather's funeral, I still felt nothing. I still feel nothing. No sadness. No attachment. People were crying and I felt as though I was on the other side of a bubble, trying in vain to understand what it was they seemed to feel. But the more I write about the assassins I've created, the more I agree with their philosophy. The pair, Stenn and Markov, seem to take after my perception of Matt and I as an assassin team strikingly well. Of course, you'd have to pour on about fifty more pounds of insanity, (especially Stenn, who takes after me) but I really don't feel it's a stretch. I used the line, "The world is a stain and we were brought in to clean it. And we'll keep cleaning until the blood of the damned drowns Hell and floods the gates of Heaven wide, beckoning our arrival" as a way to show how fucking insane Stenn is, but sometimes I wonder if maybe devoting one's life to such a cause would be monstrous. I am of the philosophy that people need to start dying immeadiately, and as unattractive as it may seem, I feel that way not out of hatred for humanity, but rather out of a need to preserve it. At this rate, we'll flood the planet, suck its blood dry, and kill everything. And I pose this question to you: would you rather have everyone die, or just the scum of the earth? I personally don't think it's a hard choice, but then again, I must retain the possibility of being incorrect always for such extreme views, lest I slip into some kind of very real, very dark place that no one should ever journey to.
Did I scare you there? I apologize. But I've been having a pretty dark weekend, and when I write I get into the character that I'm writing, instead of merely just perceiving from a 3rd person point of view. And as much as I joke about Rorschach and his unlimited badassity (especially the other day), I sometimes truly do wish that someone like him existed, and further realize that wishing for something won't make it happen. And that's when I entertain the ideas of travelling of the beaten path in career choice. But for now, I'll just write about it instead of convince myself of lofty viabilities. And of course train to be a crack shot and tech freak for that day Matt comes back and needs a helping hand.
And this is probably what happens to people when they neglect masturbation for too long.
I'll probably update this with something more readable later.
Alright, I know I make a big deal about being open with how I feel and not keeping any secrets (especially the other night) so I'm just going to stop being a hypocrite immeadiately. For about a week or so now, I've suspected that Myha might have had a crush on me. At first, I was wary for reasons I'll keep between myself and Wong, but as time went by I began to realize more and more how much being liked by someone female felt good. Also I must mention that for the past month or so that Sarah has totally been leaning on me and shit in Drama, but more on that later. Anyhow, I read her site earlier today to see that she mentioned someone she liked already having a girlfriend. Now I know me, and I know that I don't have a girlfriend. Which means I totally read her incorrectly, which totally blows because:
A: I don't like the idea of being off base to that extreme; I'd like to think that I'm at least quasi-proficient in reading the opposite sex.
B: She doesn't like me.
So by now I'm at the point where I realize just how much I feel set back by this. On top of that, Sarah isn't someone I'd go out with. It's not her personality, she's a nice person. But she does drugs, and that's something I just can't put up with. I tolerate it with friends sure, the idea of Jason smoking doesn't bother me at all, but I'm not considering dating Jason either. With a relationship it takes on a different level for me. And on top of that, Jason is way better about being drug responsible than Sarah is. I can just tell, and I don't even do them myself. Err, not to imply that I'm hitting on Jason here or anything. I'm totally ungay and even if I wasn't, he's already married to Lucio. I also entertained thoughts of Hannah in the back of my head again, although I kinda treated her like shit on Friday to close that door. I don't really want to complicate her life. So at this point I feel pretty down and out. Which is, I think, the perfect intro to the next series of paragraphs.
Talked with Matt about being an assassin. Funny thing is that I really can't fathom it as an impossibility. Seeing sides of people you didn't want to know existed gets to you. Or at least it gets to me, big time. And this is just fucking Alameda. For now, I'm contented to just write about assassins, however. More and more I find that violence, and even further the concept of killing someone, has practically no effect on me. At my great grandfather's funeral, I still felt nothing. I still feel nothing. No sadness. No attachment. People were crying and I felt as though I was on the other side of a bubble, trying in vain to understand what it was they seemed to feel. But the more I write about the assassins I've created, the more I agree with their philosophy. The pair, Stenn and Markov, seem to take after my perception of Matt and I as an assassin team strikingly well. Of course, you'd have to pour on about fifty more pounds of insanity, (especially Stenn, who takes after me) but I really don't feel it's a stretch. I used the line, "The world is a stain and we were brought in to clean it. And we'll keep cleaning until the blood of the damned drowns Hell and floods the gates of Heaven wide, beckoning our arrival" as a way to show how fucking insane Stenn is, but sometimes I wonder if maybe devoting one's life to such a cause would be monstrous. I am of the philosophy that people need to start dying immeadiately, and as unattractive as it may seem, I feel that way not out of hatred for humanity, but rather out of a need to preserve it. At this rate, we'll flood the planet, suck its blood dry, and kill everything. And I pose this question to you: would you rather have everyone die, or just the scum of the earth? I personally don't think it's a hard choice, but then again, I must retain the possibility of being incorrect always for such extreme views, lest I slip into some kind of very real, very dark place that no one should ever journey to.
Did I scare you there? I apologize. But I've been having a pretty dark weekend, and when I write I get into the character that I'm writing, instead of merely just perceiving from a 3rd person point of view. And as much as I joke about Rorschach and his unlimited badassity (especially the other day), I sometimes truly do wish that someone like him existed, and further realize that wishing for something won't make it happen. And that's when I entertain the ideas of travelling of the beaten path in career choice. But for now, I'll just write about it instead of convince myself of lofty viabilities. And of course train to be a crack shot and tech freak for that day Matt comes back and needs a helping hand.
And this is probably what happens to people when they neglect masturbation for too long.
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