Constantine (Formerly Known As Hellblazer)

So I saw Constantine today with my stepdad. In case you didn't know, Constantine is a story about a man (Guess his name. GUESS IT IMMEADIATELY) who can see a part of the universe that we cannot. This is not to imply that he sees angels and demons, as those by God law can't make direct human contact with....errr...humans. Instead, he sees half-breed angels and devils (whether this means they've had sex with humans, which would take one Hell of a trick to get around the law, or something else is not explained), who can influence people in good and evil directions. They call it the Balance, Constantine and I call it hypocritical bullshit. Anyhow, Constantine, who smokes thirty cigarettes a day, makes a living out of banishing half-breed demons that "come to the human world illegally." He is the border patrol for the spirit world, except instead of putting them back on the other side in handcuffs, he traps them in mirrors, blows their faces off with holy shotguns (you heard right), and pummelling them to death with holy brass knuckles. Already this should tell you that people who didn't like this movie have a deficiency in their ass-kicking diet. But why is Constantine doing this? Is it for the good of humanity? Is it because he feels an obligation to keep the demons where they belong? NO! It's because he tried to commit suicide as a teenager (a sin in the Bible) and is trying to bargain his way back into Heaven. With holy shotguns. Why is he doing this? Well one, Hell sucks major ass (it's like L.A. on fire; no, literally, it's L.A. ON FIRE), and as he puts it, "it'd be going to a prison that he put half the inmates in." So there's that too obviously. And on top of that, he's got a time limit - because he played the cigarette lottery and won a nice fat bag of lung cancer! Anyhow, the real plot of the story revolves around a girl whose twin commits suicide, yada yada boo hoo. I'm not saying Rachel Weisz is a bad actress or that this was poorly done, merely that I don't want to get into the detail since I'm making you watch this movie anyway. Oh, and Keanu Reeves more than makes up for the two Matrix films. I know, hard to believe. But he gives Satan the finger. I rest my case. Watch this film immeadiately. And on that note, I give you this:


Oh, and I know this got so-so to bad reviews from a lot of people - and all of those people are idiots. Especially Ebert. Just keep in mind whenever he says anything that he also once said, "I hope the next American Pie film involves the hilarities of being old. I want to see a geriatric cast tackle the issues of aging in the American Pie way."

Yes, he was being serious.