Black Hole
This is something I wrote when I couldn't sleep last night. Don't worry, it's not entirely about me and my emo self. Tell me whatcha think.
Ever get the general sense that the majority of people in our lives are just unhappy? Maybe it's just me and my (hopefully temporary) unhappy perspective as of now. Restless, confused, and unhappy. I guess you never can be sure about anyone else's true feelings. After all, how could I possibly understand another's chemical imbalances, exchange of information between neurons, etc. when sometimes I don't even understand my own?
So maybe everyone is happy and I'm just stuck in a rut. Or some people are and some people aren't. What is happiness anyways? To sum it up, I'd say its conformity through and through. It's the opposite of lonliness, the opposite of feeling like an outsider and truly feeling like you belong.
Recently I saw American Psycho. Something about that movie inspires me. Perhaps it is its irrationality? A sense of randomness and lack of willpower? Patrick Bateman (the main character) is irrational and psychotic in the eyes of the audience. But in the movie, he gets away with every horrible deed committed against those around him. Why? Does his independence, his sheer force in desire and action turn the tide of the very society he lives in, so much that all that is weak (everyone else) simply wash away in his murderous rampages, rampant sexual acts, blunt (and rude) comments, and total disregard to willpower? Why does this man do what he wants and takes no responsibility for it? Does this reflect the real world? If not, does it reflect it, but on a much smaller scale?
Bateman totally realizes and accepts the fact that he is insane. Sometime's he'll tell people outright that he likes to dismember women and cut people up and enjoys it. (Those he speaks to either don't take him seriously or just don't listen). But it begs the question. Does calling yourself insane automatically invalidate being insane? What is "insane" anyways? Is it actions that deviate from the norms of society? Or is it more focused than that, pertaining only to actions that may hurt another?
Bateman does all these things because he wants to and gets away with it. Yet in the end, the man appears unhappy, confused, and restless. Why? What warrants "happiness" anyways? When is it enough, or is it never enough?
This has some sort of reflection on myself. Lately I've been unhappy, mostly with myself. Why? It's been explained, again and again, one way or another, either on paper, or on screen, or through my actions, or (mostly) in my mind. It's probably the reason I'm up so late every night, thinking about whatever. Actually, if you want to know the truth, ever since, I'd say freshman year of high school, I'd fall asleep to myself imagining my own demise, either physically or mentally or spiritually or whatever. I'd imagine numerous scenarios, worlds, places and times that don't exist. I'd imagine myself getting shot, or finding out that my entire family is dead, or by some freak accident my short (or long) term memory is erased (though the lack of a short-term memory is more interesting). And always I'd imagine this in a dramatic sense, one where I'm center stage and everyone else around me pays attention to the horrific event that has had the misfortune to fall upon Brian Roper.
Who? O that guy. Wow. That happened to him? Jesus. I hope he's OK.
I hope for my sake such thoughts aren't entirely dangerous or suggestive of a serious underlying problem. I don't really think so, but maybe I'll let you be the judge of that.
Despite some of my immature shortcomings, I like to think that somewhere upstairs I have some special conscience or rational spirituality or higher power that is guiding me down the right path, whatever that might be.
But hey, if the way I am right now isn't working out to my liking, there's always the future possibility of change. To what? To something insane of course. Or am I already insane? You sometimes have to wonder such things so you're at least aware of the path you choose. And yes, the prospect of a choice will hopefully never be a false ideal to me.
I've often wondered if change is really the answer. Most of my life I've avoided any great degree of change, either because I'm afraid and unsure of it or that I simply don't care enough. It's probably mostly fear, considering that with great change comes a world of great unpredictable possibilities that may result in an undesirable or troublesome situation. However, I'm beginning to see that a change is inevitable, and whether I want to accept it on my own terms or not is completely up to me. Of course, I'm being very vague here--after all, we change constantly, at least on a minute scale. But what I'm talking about is big change. A complete deviation from the norm, a point at which you are willing one-hundred percent to say "Well alright, I'm tired of being this way so in the words of Monty Python: 'And now for something completely different!' "
It's the day you realize that today is the only day of this particular month of this particular year of this particular hour, minute, and second. It's the day (as I imagine it to be) where you realize you have the power to do what is necessary. Does that make any sense, or is Bateman knocking at my door?
To deviate from the norm, YOUR NORM, not everyone else's. Is it surrender, or a step forward? Is it betrayal to the familiar, or devotion to the one true life? What's important? What's not? There should be a consensus on this, but at the same time, shouldn't.
I recently finished Stephan Hawking's "The Universe in a Nutshell" and before that "A Brief History of Time." Most of it deals with various theories of the universe, chapter after chapter consisting of black holes, M-theory, the shape of spacetime, quantum mechanics, relativity, p-branes, and other scientific jargon that I can understand maybe seventy-five percent of the time (I think). From time to time, however, Mr. Hawking inevitably reflects upon things about the human spirit that are simply fascinating to read. Considering that both books pertain to a great appex of learning, one cannot help but think that the philospohy and human study aspect of it is also of high intelligence and understanding. There is one particularly enlightening chapter in "The Universe in a Nutshell" that I enjoy, not only because it is different from the rest of the chapters and provides a nice break from all the scientific rhetoric (which is all good, but weary after a while), but because I feel it explains the curiousity of the human spirit (or just the human spirit in general) very nicely. I wish the book was within reach so I could refer to it, but just for the record, read both books (I recommend "The Universe in a Nutshell" first). There's something about exploring and trying to understand the universe, as both books do, that inevitably reveals something true within ourselves, something, I feel, no philosophy or social studies book could ever do,.
Where the hell was I? I guess I should end this, considering its almost 5:00 in the morning. Ha. To think such hours were a fantasy made impossible by sleep some time ago.
But just one more thing. I believe change is necessary for me (and everyone else as well). So resolute am I in that statement that I'll link it to an analogy, just because I feel like it.
The change I want is a black hole, and I've surpassed the event horizon in which nothing, not even light, the fastest thing in the universe at 300,000 km/s, can escape. However, since light cannot escape, this black hole is really just that: something so black and mysterious that nobody knows exactly what's inside because it cannot be seen. But it's there, and I can feel its gravity slowly pulling me in to it's singularity, a point at which nobody except for me will experience. At this singularity the laws of everything break down, and I am left with something entirely unknown that I will be forced to make sense of. However, given the laws and logic that governs the world I live in now, this black hole makes no sense. It's a complete mystery, a variable left to be solved by an entirely different system.
I feel it's gravity, and faster and faster it accelerates me to something beyond comprehension or true understanding. Will it tear me apart as the current laws predict, or will it transport me to somewhere completely different under a new kind of logic?
Sorry. That got too dramatic.
And that's it. You pirates need to write more. Or plunder more. One of the two (or both, or at the same time...or are they one and the same?!! YOU DECIDE).
"My need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale cannot be corrected, but, ah, I have no other way to fulfill my needs."
O Patrick. You and your shenanigans!
Ever get the general sense that the majority of people in our lives are just unhappy? Maybe it's just me and my (hopefully temporary) unhappy perspective as of now. Restless, confused, and unhappy. I guess you never can be sure about anyone else's true feelings. After all, how could I possibly understand another's chemical imbalances, exchange of information between neurons, etc. when sometimes I don't even understand my own?
So maybe everyone is happy and I'm just stuck in a rut. Or some people are and some people aren't. What is happiness anyways? To sum it up, I'd say its conformity through and through. It's the opposite of lonliness, the opposite of feeling like an outsider and truly feeling like you belong.
Recently I saw American Psycho. Something about that movie inspires me. Perhaps it is its irrationality? A sense of randomness and lack of willpower? Patrick Bateman (the main character) is irrational and psychotic in the eyes of the audience. But in the movie, he gets away with every horrible deed committed against those around him. Why? Does his independence, his sheer force in desire and action turn the tide of the very society he lives in, so much that all that is weak (everyone else) simply wash away in his murderous rampages, rampant sexual acts, blunt (and rude) comments, and total disregard to willpower? Why does this man do what he wants and takes no responsibility for it? Does this reflect the real world? If not, does it reflect it, but on a much smaller scale?
Bateman totally realizes and accepts the fact that he is insane. Sometime's he'll tell people outright that he likes to dismember women and cut people up and enjoys it. (Those he speaks to either don't take him seriously or just don't listen). But it begs the question. Does calling yourself insane automatically invalidate being insane? What is "insane" anyways? Is it actions that deviate from the norms of society? Or is it more focused than that, pertaining only to actions that may hurt another?
Bateman does all these things because he wants to and gets away with it. Yet in the end, the man appears unhappy, confused, and restless. Why? What warrants "happiness" anyways? When is it enough, or is it never enough?
This has some sort of reflection on myself. Lately I've been unhappy, mostly with myself. Why? It's been explained, again and again, one way or another, either on paper, or on screen, or through my actions, or (mostly) in my mind. It's probably the reason I'm up so late every night, thinking about whatever. Actually, if you want to know the truth, ever since, I'd say freshman year of high school, I'd fall asleep to myself imagining my own demise, either physically or mentally or spiritually or whatever. I'd imagine numerous scenarios, worlds, places and times that don't exist. I'd imagine myself getting shot, or finding out that my entire family is dead, or by some freak accident my short (or long) term memory is erased (though the lack of a short-term memory is more interesting). And always I'd imagine this in a dramatic sense, one where I'm center stage and everyone else around me pays attention to the horrific event that has had the misfortune to fall upon Brian Roper.
Who? O that guy. Wow. That happened to him? Jesus. I hope he's OK.
I hope for my sake such thoughts aren't entirely dangerous or suggestive of a serious underlying problem. I don't really think so, but maybe I'll let you be the judge of that.
Despite some of my immature shortcomings, I like to think that somewhere upstairs I have some special conscience or rational spirituality or higher power that is guiding me down the right path, whatever that might be.
But hey, if the way I am right now isn't working out to my liking, there's always the future possibility of change. To what? To something insane of course. Or am I already insane? You sometimes have to wonder such things so you're at least aware of the path you choose. And yes, the prospect of a choice will hopefully never be a false ideal to me.
I've often wondered if change is really the answer. Most of my life I've avoided any great degree of change, either because I'm afraid and unsure of it or that I simply don't care enough. It's probably mostly fear, considering that with great change comes a world of great unpredictable possibilities that may result in an undesirable or troublesome situation. However, I'm beginning to see that a change is inevitable, and whether I want to accept it on my own terms or not is completely up to me. Of course, I'm being very vague here--after all, we change constantly, at least on a minute scale. But what I'm talking about is big change. A complete deviation from the norm, a point at which you are willing one-hundred percent to say "Well alright, I'm tired of being this way so in the words of Monty Python: 'And now for something completely different!' "
It's the day you realize that today is the only day of this particular month of this particular year of this particular hour, minute, and second. It's the day (as I imagine it to be) where you realize you have the power to do what is necessary. Does that make any sense, or is Bateman knocking at my door?
To deviate from the norm, YOUR NORM, not everyone else's. Is it surrender, or a step forward? Is it betrayal to the familiar, or devotion to the one true life? What's important? What's not? There should be a consensus on this, but at the same time, shouldn't.
I recently finished Stephan Hawking's "The Universe in a Nutshell" and before that "A Brief History of Time." Most of it deals with various theories of the universe, chapter after chapter consisting of black holes, M-theory, the shape of spacetime, quantum mechanics, relativity, p-branes, and other scientific jargon that I can understand maybe seventy-five percent of the time (I think). From time to time, however, Mr. Hawking inevitably reflects upon things about the human spirit that are simply fascinating to read. Considering that both books pertain to a great appex of learning, one cannot help but think that the philospohy and human study aspect of it is also of high intelligence and understanding. There is one particularly enlightening chapter in "The Universe in a Nutshell" that I enjoy, not only because it is different from the rest of the chapters and provides a nice break from all the scientific rhetoric (which is all good, but weary after a while), but because I feel it explains the curiousity of the human spirit (or just the human spirit in general) very nicely. I wish the book was within reach so I could refer to it, but just for the record, read both books (I recommend "The Universe in a Nutshell" first). There's something about exploring and trying to understand the universe, as both books do, that inevitably reveals something true within ourselves, something, I feel, no philosophy or social studies book could ever do,.
Where the hell was I? I guess I should end this, considering its almost 5:00 in the morning. Ha. To think such hours were a fantasy made impossible by sleep some time ago.
But just one more thing. I believe change is necessary for me (and everyone else as well). So resolute am I in that statement that I'll link it to an analogy, just because I feel like it.
The change I want is a black hole, and I've surpassed the event horizon in which nothing, not even light, the fastest thing in the universe at 300,000 km/s, can escape. However, since light cannot escape, this black hole is really just that: something so black and mysterious that nobody knows exactly what's inside because it cannot be seen. But it's there, and I can feel its gravity slowly pulling me in to it's singularity, a point at which nobody except for me will experience. At this singularity the laws of everything break down, and I am left with something entirely unknown that I will be forced to make sense of. However, given the laws and logic that governs the world I live in now, this black hole makes no sense. It's a complete mystery, a variable left to be solved by an entirely different system.
I feel it's gravity, and faster and faster it accelerates me to something beyond comprehension or true understanding. Will it tear me apart as the current laws predict, or will it transport me to somewhere completely different under a new kind of logic?
Sorry. That got too dramatic.
And that's it. You pirates need to write more. Or plunder more. One of the two (or both, or at the same time...or are they one and the same?!! YOU DECIDE).
"My need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale cannot be corrected, but, ah, I have no other way to fulfill my needs."
O Patrick. You and your shenanigans!
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