We Go Together

I've been pondering over Bryan's latest entry recently. More to the point, his line about us fating to "be together" and how it isn't the first time. And to be honest, that line depresses the Hell out of me. Why? Because I cannot recall anything of past lives, and that idea makes me inevitably come to the conclusion that I cannot learn from past mistakes if I don't remember them. Not to imply that anyone here is a mistake, but more that it makes it seem like I'm on a never-ending roller coaster here. As Hannah presumed, God can tell what choices we are going to make. I don't know how much stock I put in that, but I now realize that I am in the very same future position that allows me to look at the past (which has already come to fruition, unlike the present, which is always changing and therefore cannot be predicted accurately.) If there were any way to see the lives I've lived, to learn from the mistakes I've made, there might be a way out of the loop. I feel that if I've lived the same life repeatedly, what the Hell is the point? Living for living's sake? I'm the kind of person who watched What Dreams May Come and thought they should have stayed in Heaven. I don't want to feel as if my life is moving on rails. I want my choices to be meaningful, and not prophecy fulfilling. The concept of rebirth instills in me the idea that either I've gone to Heaven repeatedly (which would strike me as ood because for one, I don't know about being Heaven worthy and two, I would stay and never come back) or there exists no punishment or recognition at the end of the road. All we can do is clutch desparately to the lives and identities we have no until the day we die and lose everything and start over again. No, there's no consolation in the fact that I'll stick around the same people. There exists in this repetition no freedom. No reason to exist. Of course, I of all people challenge reason as a solid scientific thing, but in this case can I not be wrong? What's to stop me from killing every one and every thing around me? There's certainly no moral reason, if there's nothing waiting for us at the end. Which of course begs the question, are people good because they are good or because they are afraid? Do people do the right thing because they feel truly obligated to or because they fear repercussion? I can honestly say that I care about people because I care, but what about everyone else? And what's the point? I care about Rebecca but she hates me. I care about the Unmentionable but she cheats on me. I care about Danielle but...well, nothing bad really happened there. I care about Alyssa, or did until she opened my eyes with her actions and made me want to hate her with my entire being. What the Hell's the point in caring about anyone? Why should we be friends if it doesn't mean anything? Are we friends, because it looks to me from this angle that we're more like partners in repetition. Why are we anything? Ever? Can anyone answer me with something other than "Well, just take comfort in being?" Let me tell you, there is about 10% comfort in being, coated in heavy and repeated layers of bullshit. I read Oxie's post about how her brother drives her mad. I say fucking kill him, and no, I'm not kidding. Sometimes I wonder if the wonder of life was stolen from us by the mere fact that we share it with so many. Do we really respawn? There are over six billion people on the planet earth. Is there some kind of spirit bank in the middle that determines how many souls there are? And when does it go dry?

I don't understand anything about this world, and the thing that pisses me off most is that I don't think it can be understood. There are facts sure, but there aren't answers. If there are, they come at death, and the irony is that you either aren't around to tell them, or you are reborn and forget. Talk about cosmic irony.

Goddamnit.