The Way I Am
So the funniest thing happened today. Actually, it wasn't really funny at all. It seems simple enough. I had no lunch, I was hungry. Me and Dante were supposed to split a piece of pizza that a girl (whose name I can't recall at the moment)let us have. Except Dante didn't give me a piece, he just kept eating. I lost it. I just walked away, because if I had stayed any longer, I would have gone the way of Phil (ask Dante if you don't get that) and punched him in the face. I called him the world's biggest asshole, which he countered by saying something to the effect of, "this coming from number two." Everyone laughed and shit, half of you agreed. And that's when I got to thinking.
Before I even start, I want you to know Dante, that my name has nothing to do with you or Devil May Cry. It's inspired by Dante the poet, not Dante the jackass. Don't flatter yourself.
This is the bottom line, who I am. I'm lonely. I feel unattractive and I don't think anyone really likes me. Don't deny it; it's true. I've never had a relationship that lasted more than a week, and no one ever really talks to me. This makes me bitter. Some think this is why I'm humorous, but unfortunately, this is also why I'm an asshole. I can easily imagine everyone talking shit behind my back, and it sickens me. I can't think of ever saying anything about Andrew, Doug, Matt, Lucio, or Travis (well, nothing serious). Believe me when I say I don't want to be an asshole. I don't choose to be an asshole. It's just the way I am and if it bothers you, maybe I should go somewhere else. I'm just an ugly, ugly person inside, and if for some reason you think I'm being mysterious in some way when I don't talk to you or don't hear you, it's probably because I'm actively engaged in being an asshole. Not too long ago, there was a really good person inside of me. Someone I wanted to be. But I can barely remember that person. All I know is I don't act anything like that person.
I want to care. I want to be concerned for other people's well-being. But seeing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and OVER makes me detach myself. I don't care. You're an idiot. Is there an off button for your insanity? I'm so sick of hearing bitching. Bitch bitch bitch. Isn't there anything else that comes out of your fucking blowhole? But I bitch too, don't I? All the time. I'm always borrowing money that I can't pay back. I'm always asking favors that never seem to get returned. I'm always choking or punching or offending Travis. I think it's possible the only person I haven't offended at least once is Andrew, and that may not even be true. Even if it is, I wonder if he is physically capable of being offended.
Honestly, I feel like crying. But crying doesn't solve anything. Ever. Tears don't mend broken bonds, repay old debts, or settle any scores. I feel isolated. I don't know, unloved? Undesireable, that's the word. And it hurts, a lot. I feel like there really is no one out there for me, that no matter what I do or say or think or feel, no one really cares. And I'll be damned if that isn't the worst feeling in the world.
Before I even start, I want you to know Dante, that my name has nothing to do with you or Devil May Cry. It's inspired by Dante the poet, not Dante the jackass. Don't flatter yourself.
This is the bottom line, who I am. I'm lonely. I feel unattractive and I don't think anyone really likes me. Don't deny it; it's true. I've never had a relationship that lasted more than a week, and no one ever really talks to me. This makes me bitter. Some think this is why I'm humorous, but unfortunately, this is also why I'm an asshole. I can easily imagine everyone talking shit behind my back, and it sickens me. I can't think of ever saying anything about Andrew, Doug, Matt, Lucio, or Travis (well, nothing serious). Believe me when I say I don't want to be an asshole. I don't choose to be an asshole. It's just the way I am and if it bothers you, maybe I should go somewhere else. I'm just an ugly, ugly person inside, and if for some reason you think I'm being mysterious in some way when I don't talk to you or don't hear you, it's probably because I'm actively engaged in being an asshole. Not too long ago, there was a really good person inside of me. Someone I wanted to be. But I can barely remember that person. All I know is I don't act anything like that person.
I want to care. I want to be concerned for other people's well-being. But seeing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and OVER makes me detach myself. I don't care. You're an idiot. Is there an off button for your insanity? I'm so sick of hearing bitching. Bitch bitch bitch. Isn't there anything else that comes out of your fucking blowhole? But I bitch too, don't I? All the time. I'm always borrowing money that I can't pay back. I'm always asking favors that never seem to get returned. I'm always choking or punching or offending Travis. I think it's possible the only person I haven't offended at least once is Andrew, and that may not even be true. Even if it is, I wonder if he is physically capable of being offended.
Honestly, I feel like crying. But crying doesn't solve anything. Ever. Tears don't mend broken bonds, repay old debts, or settle any scores. I feel isolated. I don't know, unloved? Undesireable, that's the word. And it hurts, a lot. I feel like there really is no one out there for me, that no matter what I do or say or think or feel, no one really cares. And I'll be damned if that isn't the worst feeling in the world.
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