Unfathomable Part Two....You Bastards
Okay, I'm just going to do it exactly as I experienced it, except in past tense because I can't right in present tense to save my life. Oh, and I'm telling you right now that this is VERY LONG.
Ugh.
Okay.
I found myself at a fancy restaurant. Nice clothes, nice atmosphere, and hey, Katy sitting across the table. Wait a minute, I think to myself. I can't afford this. I reached for my wallet. No cash. Hmmmm. As I close my wallet, it bulges in my hand. I opened it again to find a fat roll of bills. And that's when I figured it out.
"Goddamnit, it's another fucking dream," I grumbled across the table. "What do you mean?" She replied softly. "Don't play coy with me. You're a part of me too," I replied. I was angry. I had gotten my own hopes up. "Okay, it's a dream," she said, breaking the short silence, "so now what?" "I don't know." I said quietly. "Seeing as how it is a dream, why aren't you having sex with me or something?" She asked rather frankly. "Well, there's a multitude of reasons," I replied, "the chief one being that it just isn't my style." "Not your style?" she replied curiously, "explain." "Call me moral, but I can't just take advantage of you like that now that I'm consciously aware of what's going on. In lucid dreams, my id doesn't have very much say." I sighed. "And besides, you think I've seen you naked? What the hell would I do, fill in the blanks?" "You're right, even this dress is pushing it for you," she replied with a short laugh. She was right. What skin I could see was pure rough estimate. There was probably nothing underneath, for all I knew. "On top of that, I've never even had sex before. I mean, what the Hell?" I said with an exasperated laugh, "commit an act I've only thought of with someone who's mostly hypothetical?" "And of course, there's the fact that even though I am a representation of another person, I'm still a part of you," she continued, "it'd be like having sex with yourself."
A silence followed. "You know what the real tragedy is here?" I asked Katy. "What's that?" she said as she took a bite of her food. "This is probably the last time I'll ever see you. Which is a real shame, because I think I-" "You think you what? Love me?" she cut me off. "I wasn't going to say that," I said defensively. "Don't give me that. I'm a part of you," she said almost angrily. " I wasn't going to fucking say that word, damnit," I said, angry as well. I felt disrespected, but also further down I felt attacked for perhaps feeling too strong. "I know how much trouble that fucking word has gotten me in before." "Yes, but do you acknowledge that it's wrong, or do you just cut the word out of your vocabulary and feed the feeling when no one is looking?" she said. "Is it wrong?" I asked, trying to be bold right back. "Is it wrong? Ask yourself this: has it ever accomplished anything for you?" "...Yes," I said slowly. "I mean something constructive," she clarified.
"I...I-"
"Well?" she demanded impatiently.
"No, it never has."
"You say you understand not to toss the word around, but you must surely understand it's more than a word."
"Of course I do."
"So why do you insist on doing this to yourself?"
"Doing what?"
"Don't be stupid."
I was growing angry. I of all people should have had more sense than to attack myself.
"Are you going to give me another tired rant like Inhibition?" I asked.
"Of course not you fool, I'm ranting against him. You let him spent all his time whispering in your ear when he should be in your mouth where he belongs," she said sharply.
"Who the Hell do you think you are?!" I shouted, standing up. I was outraged. "I'm the voice inside your head that you never listen to," she said coolly. "What is that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Okay," said calmly, "let me give you some examples."
"I'm listening," I said warily.
"I'm the one who kept telling, who keeps on telling you rather, to let Rebecca go."
"I've never felt that way..." I said quietly.
"That's because you weren't listening."
"...."
"I'm the who told you not to drop the L-Bomb the first time, if you'll recall. You heard me that time, but you ignored me, as usual."
"It wasn't my fault. I was new. I was tense. I didn't know what to do."
"I understand. But it was mistake nonetheless."
"Is that all?"
"Of course not. I'm also the one who told you to stay away from Simone."
"Hey, that's not fair, there was no way I could see that coming," I protested.
"Oh? Don't you find it odd that she tried to break up with her previous boyfriend the way she tried to break up with you?"
"Eh? I don't follow."
"Don't be so dense. You know what I'm talking about. She didn't give a reason."
"Not a clear one anyway."
"Not one at all! She said you weren't spending any time together, but were you not seeing each other almost everyday."
"Fuck. You're right. I should have seen that."
"You would have, if you'd stop and think things through once in a while. I'm not even going to give you the college talk. I'm sick of hearing it myself," she mused.
Another short silence followed. Existing in a dream realm means adhering to slightly different laws. I didn't have to go back over what Katy had said. I just acknowledged it as true. I couldn't help but do so. I couldn't stop and work my way backwards. I couldn't ponder over what had been said at all. I could not help but move forward, even if it was against my free will. Dreams are the most finite of all things, after all.
"I wasn't going to say love," I said with finality.
"I know," she replied with a sigh of her own.
"I was merely going to say that I really felt a connection, at least on my end."
"And that it's a shame that you'll never be able to see where it leads."
"Precisely. And I think she has a boyfriend anyway." I said softly, the last of the words just slipping out. Did I really feel this way about someone I had seen for a grand total of perhaps a week? Perhaps this is just what I do. I spoke up. "It's just that, once I start to feel, you know, really feel for someone...I can't tone it down. It either exists or it doesn't. There aren't any degrees with me."
"And the whole machine suffers for it," she muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"There's nothing wrong with having feelings. Having feelings is what makes us who we are. But you don't have the luxury of living in such a romanticized world. As much as you may think and hope, love isn't some lever that you turn. That special someone isn't just going to fall into your lap, sure, but it's also true that if you run around in all directions grabbing at everything that it's all gonna slip through your fingers regardless."
"...I know. But being this way...it feels natural."
"It probably is natural to some extent. I mean, you're the son of a dad with three wives whose been raised by a mother whose spent her whole life alone. But that doesn't mean you can't change."
"Fuck, after preaching to everyone else about changing, here I am preaching to myself."
"It isn't preaching, it's fact."
I sighed and groped at my face. "You know, for once, I'd just like it if things went my way."
"That's not how the-"
"I know. I know. It's just..." I trailed off.
"You're right, you know," she said to me with a tired looking smile.
"About what?"
"You aren't even going to see her again. Not until you summon the will to call."
"I know...but I shouldn't. I'm not in the mood to mess with another person's life."
"With that attitude, you'll never get anywhere."
"Please. Lack of knowledge is no excuse to go stomping into the neighbor's yard."
"But if you stay inside, the world will pass you by."
"You're the one who always claims that it's better to have a bad experience than to not experience at all."
"Hmph, I have a feeling that's you who feels that way."
Katy pounded the table in frustration. "Call her or don't. It's that simple. But don't carry on about it when she keeps walking," she said. I stood up as well. "I told you she already has a boyfriend! Enough of this egging me on to disaster bullshit," I fumed. "Do you know she has a boyfriend?" she countered. "Not for sure, but close enough. Enough of this insanity. I'm sick of making such a big deal over one girl," I said as I began to walk away from the table. "You're the one who said you had a connection!" she shouted back walking after me, "and walking away from me isn't going to make it any less true." I spun on my heels and faced her, nose to nose. "Listen, I'm done thinking about this. Let it go, okay?" I said, my angry dropping, "I'm content to let her be happy with whoever she's with, and maybe that's the best I can do, okay? There are six billion other people in this world, and I'm sure I'm going to meet someone else. This girl is not the pinnacle of my existence." "But don't you see? She may not be your driving force, but she's representative of everyone else that is out there. You who are so proud to boast that there are six billion people are going to do this with every single fucking one, and regardless of whether she's your fucking lighthouse in stormy weather or not, if you don't draw some kind of line somewhere then you're going to drift forever," she said in an equally emotional voice. "I just don't want to get hurt anymore, okay?" I sighed, "I've gotten sick of that old familiar feeling." "People don't get into relationships to hurt," she said back. "But that doesn't mean that pain is going to be absent," I countered. "You're being ridiculous. There's no such thing as a relationship without pain and joy. And you've been there to see the joy. We've been there to see the joy. And we both know it's worth it," she whispered. "I'm just afraid," I said, and hugged her gently.
"I'm just afraid."
If you're still there, I apologize if that had any kind of repetition. But I have no control over what my mind creates while I'm unconscious (or at least semi-unconscious, since I only remember my dreams when I'm half-way to waking). I also apologize if it seemed overly dramatic or anything like that. Believe me when I say this thing blindsided me too. Now that I think about it, I wonder how lucid I really was. I mean, I feel like I was in control of neither myself nor Katy, but that I watching me argue with myself from outside. Maybe I'm wrong about it being film worthy. I know that even if it affects no one else, it still affected me, and I can't believe I'm posting it. This is prelude to fucking disaster, mark my words.
Goddamnit.
Ugh.
Okay.
I found myself at a fancy restaurant. Nice clothes, nice atmosphere, and hey, Katy sitting across the table. Wait a minute, I think to myself. I can't afford this. I reached for my wallet. No cash. Hmmmm. As I close my wallet, it bulges in my hand. I opened it again to find a fat roll of bills. And that's when I figured it out.
"Goddamnit, it's another fucking dream," I grumbled across the table. "What do you mean?" She replied softly. "Don't play coy with me. You're a part of me too," I replied. I was angry. I had gotten my own hopes up. "Okay, it's a dream," she said, breaking the short silence, "so now what?" "I don't know." I said quietly. "Seeing as how it is a dream, why aren't you having sex with me or something?" She asked rather frankly. "Well, there's a multitude of reasons," I replied, "the chief one being that it just isn't my style." "Not your style?" she replied curiously, "explain." "Call me moral, but I can't just take advantage of you like that now that I'm consciously aware of what's going on. In lucid dreams, my id doesn't have very much say." I sighed. "And besides, you think I've seen you naked? What the hell would I do, fill in the blanks?" "You're right, even this dress is pushing it for you," she replied with a short laugh. She was right. What skin I could see was pure rough estimate. There was probably nothing underneath, for all I knew. "On top of that, I've never even had sex before. I mean, what the Hell?" I said with an exasperated laugh, "commit an act I've only thought of with someone who's mostly hypothetical?" "And of course, there's the fact that even though I am a representation of another person, I'm still a part of you," she continued, "it'd be like having sex with yourself."
A silence followed. "You know what the real tragedy is here?" I asked Katy. "What's that?" she said as she took a bite of her food. "This is probably the last time I'll ever see you. Which is a real shame, because I think I-" "You think you what? Love me?" she cut me off. "I wasn't going to say that," I said defensively. "Don't give me that. I'm a part of you," she said almost angrily. " I wasn't going to fucking say that word, damnit," I said, angry as well. I felt disrespected, but also further down I felt attacked for perhaps feeling too strong. "I know how much trouble that fucking word has gotten me in before." "Yes, but do you acknowledge that it's wrong, or do you just cut the word out of your vocabulary and feed the feeling when no one is looking?" she said. "Is it wrong?" I asked, trying to be bold right back. "Is it wrong? Ask yourself this: has it ever accomplished anything for you?" "...Yes," I said slowly. "I mean something constructive," she clarified.
"I...I-"
"Well?" she demanded impatiently.
"No, it never has."
"You say you understand not to toss the word around, but you must surely understand it's more than a word."
"Of course I do."
"So why do you insist on doing this to yourself?"
"Doing what?"
"Don't be stupid."
I was growing angry. I of all people should have had more sense than to attack myself.
"Are you going to give me another tired rant like Inhibition?" I asked.
"Of course not you fool, I'm ranting against him. You let him spent all his time whispering in your ear when he should be in your mouth where he belongs," she said sharply.
"Who the Hell do you think you are?!" I shouted, standing up. I was outraged. "I'm the voice inside your head that you never listen to," she said coolly. "What is that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Okay," said calmly, "let me give you some examples."
"I'm listening," I said warily.
"I'm the one who kept telling, who keeps on telling you rather, to let Rebecca go."
"I've never felt that way..." I said quietly.
"That's because you weren't listening."
"...."
"I'm the who told you not to drop the L-Bomb the first time, if you'll recall. You heard me that time, but you ignored me, as usual."
"It wasn't my fault. I was new. I was tense. I didn't know what to do."
"I understand. But it was mistake nonetheless."
"Is that all?"
"Of course not. I'm also the one who told you to stay away from Simone."
"Hey, that's not fair, there was no way I could see that coming," I protested.
"Oh? Don't you find it odd that she tried to break up with her previous boyfriend the way she tried to break up with you?"
"Eh? I don't follow."
"Don't be so dense. You know what I'm talking about. She didn't give a reason."
"Not a clear one anyway."
"Not one at all! She said you weren't spending any time together, but were you not seeing each other almost everyday."
"Fuck. You're right. I should have seen that."
"You would have, if you'd stop and think things through once in a while. I'm not even going to give you the college talk. I'm sick of hearing it myself," she mused.
Another short silence followed. Existing in a dream realm means adhering to slightly different laws. I didn't have to go back over what Katy had said. I just acknowledged it as true. I couldn't help but do so. I couldn't stop and work my way backwards. I couldn't ponder over what had been said at all. I could not help but move forward, even if it was against my free will. Dreams are the most finite of all things, after all.
"I wasn't going to say love," I said with finality.
"I know," she replied with a sigh of her own.
"I was merely going to say that I really felt a connection, at least on my end."
"And that it's a shame that you'll never be able to see where it leads."
"Precisely. And I think she has a boyfriend anyway." I said softly, the last of the words just slipping out. Did I really feel this way about someone I had seen for a grand total of perhaps a week? Perhaps this is just what I do. I spoke up. "It's just that, once I start to feel, you know, really feel for someone...I can't tone it down. It either exists or it doesn't. There aren't any degrees with me."
"And the whole machine suffers for it," she muttered.
"Excuse me?"
"There's nothing wrong with having feelings. Having feelings is what makes us who we are. But you don't have the luxury of living in such a romanticized world. As much as you may think and hope, love isn't some lever that you turn. That special someone isn't just going to fall into your lap, sure, but it's also true that if you run around in all directions grabbing at everything that it's all gonna slip through your fingers regardless."
"...I know. But being this way...it feels natural."
"It probably is natural to some extent. I mean, you're the son of a dad with three wives whose been raised by a mother whose spent her whole life alone. But that doesn't mean you can't change."
"Fuck, after preaching to everyone else about changing, here I am preaching to myself."
"It isn't preaching, it's fact."
I sighed and groped at my face. "You know, for once, I'd just like it if things went my way."
"That's not how the-"
"I know. I know. It's just..." I trailed off.
"You're right, you know," she said to me with a tired looking smile.
"About what?"
"You aren't even going to see her again. Not until you summon the will to call."
"I know...but I shouldn't. I'm not in the mood to mess with another person's life."
"With that attitude, you'll never get anywhere."
"Please. Lack of knowledge is no excuse to go stomping into the neighbor's yard."
"But if you stay inside, the world will pass you by."
"You're the one who always claims that it's better to have a bad experience than to not experience at all."
"Hmph, I have a feeling that's you who feels that way."
Katy pounded the table in frustration. "Call her or don't. It's that simple. But don't carry on about it when she keeps walking," she said. I stood up as well. "I told you she already has a boyfriend! Enough of this egging me on to disaster bullshit," I fumed. "Do you know she has a boyfriend?" she countered. "Not for sure, but close enough. Enough of this insanity. I'm sick of making such a big deal over one girl," I said as I began to walk away from the table. "You're the one who said you had a connection!" she shouted back walking after me, "and walking away from me isn't going to make it any less true." I spun on my heels and faced her, nose to nose. "Listen, I'm done thinking about this. Let it go, okay?" I said, my angry dropping, "I'm content to let her be happy with whoever she's with, and maybe that's the best I can do, okay? There are six billion other people in this world, and I'm sure I'm going to meet someone else. This girl is not the pinnacle of my existence." "But don't you see? She may not be your driving force, but she's representative of everyone else that is out there. You who are so proud to boast that there are six billion people are going to do this with every single fucking one, and regardless of whether she's your fucking lighthouse in stormy weather or not, if you don't draw some kind of line somewhere then you're going to drift forever," she said in an equally emotional voice. "I just don't want to get hurt anymore, okay?" I sighed, "I've gotten sick of that old familiar feeling." "People don't get into relationships to hurt," she said back. "But that doesn't mean that pain is going to be absent," I countered. "You're being ridiculous. There's no such thing as a relationship without pain and joy. And you've been there to see the joy. We've been there to see the joy. And we both know it's worth it," she whispered. "I'm just afraid," I said, and hugged her gently.
"I'm just afraid."
If you're still there, I apologize if that had any kind of repetition. But I have no control over what my mind creates while I'm unconscious (or at least semi-unconscious, since I only remember my dreams when I'm half-way to waking). I also apologize if it seemed overly dramatic or anything like that. Believe me when I say this thing blindsided me too. Now that I think about it, I wonder how lucid I really was. I mean, I feel like I was in control of neither myself nor Katy, but that I watching me argue with myself from outside. Maybe I'm wrong about it being film worthy. I know that even if it affects no one else, it still affected me, and I can't believe I'm posting it. This is prelude to fucking disaster, mark my words.
Goddamnit.
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