The Time Cycle
Just last month she said yes. Just last week, she said goodbye. And so the time cycle continues on. This isn't the first time it's happened to me. It's the fourth. I'm getting used to it at this point; the pain is light and ignorable. It's just the feelings that refuse to die, but to be honest, I don't know if I want to kill them.
Let's get one thing straight: building a tolerance does not imply that this doesn't bother me. It obviously does. I'm sick of starting something off and either doing something foolish (which, no matter how hard I try to take back, is never redeemed. At least, not redeemed soon enough) or something entirely out of my hands, which is even worse. I'm not a control freak (at least to my knowledge), but I don't like having zero control over my circumstances. I'm sick of playing in the river, only to find that I'm being swept into rapids the likes of which I will not survive.
In creative writing we are supposed to write about love, which got me to thinking. What is love? How do we define it? You all know how I define it at this point, but is there anyone else who feels that way? Honestly? Because I have yet to see it. Reading Alexa (the escort's) site just makes this feeling grow. Is there no one who feels this way? I'm I the only one?
Maybe I'm being an idealist, maybe I'm just being a stupid romanticist as usual. But But I honestly have no problem bleeding, suffering, even dying for love if it's real. But it doesn't seem real. Is it just a more complex version of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? Just a pretty mask they put over the face of an animalistic ritual? Do we make ourselves feel this way at varying degrees to feel more human and less instinctual?
My first choice for the writing would obviously be Rebecca. I mention her so much that I'm sick of hearing about her. But the truth is she's left a deep impact on me. Since her, I feel like hiding what you really feel for too long is not only unwise, but dangerous. Of course, the lesson learned from Danielle blew that ideology back a few steps, but not that much. Going out with the Whore (maybe I shouldn't say that now that I have an escort friend.... I dunno the etiquette for something like that) taught me to watch my back and be aware of what's going on. Not paranoid, but aware. But that's common knowledge. Now Alyssa too has joined the ranks of the previously enamored and I feel like I haven't learned the real lesson. People shouldn't be lessons, they shouldn't be just experiences you glean knowledge and new concepts from. They are human beings. Danielle is human. The Unmentionable is human (albeit a stupid one). Alyssa is human. Even Rebecca is human. So am I really becoming a better person if I just file them under the "learning experience" category? How many more girls am I going to go through before I've "learned" enough? I don't want seven hundred girlfriends. I don't want a model. I don't want a professor of metaphysics. I don't want a threesome with two drunk girls. I don't want a vacanacy that's filled for a few weeks at a time. I just want someone. Someone who feels. Not even necessarily the way I do, because then I could just be looking forever. Just someone who isn't afraid to be wrong. Because in the end, we're all wrong about something, and that's okay.
Oxie's probably right; I should probably wait until college. Girls at this age are...I dunno, flighty I guess. They're so afraid of who they are and who they want to be that they won't just accept it. A lot of guys are that way too, but in a different way. I never understood being worried about what your profession would be. It doesn't change who you are, no matter what. I don't care if I'm living in a mansion or living in a small apartment, so long as I'm happy. Happiness is all that counts, and I've never seen a store that sells it, never seen someone so good at their job that they got it as a promotion. In the end, all we have is one life. Why waste it worrying about whether you're going to live up to some set of shallow standards? I don't need to please my parents to make me happy. I don't need to cure cancer to make me happy. I don't need to crush someone with my wallet to make me happy. I just need life.
Anyhow, I have to get back to what I was doing. The time cycle isn't waiting for me to finish this up.
Let's get one thing straight: building a tolerance does not imply that this doesn't bother me. It obviously does. I'm sick of starting something off and either doing something foolish (which, no matter how hard I try to take back, is never redeemed. At least, not redeemed soon enough) or something entirely out of my hands, which is even worse. I'm not a control freak (at least to my knowledge), but I don't like having zero control over my circumstances. I'm sick of playing in the river, only to find that I'm being swept into rapids the likes of which I will not survive.
In creative writing we are supposed to write about love, which got me to thinking. What is love? How do we define it? You all know how I define it at this point, but is there anyone else who feels that way? Honestly? Because I have yet to see it. Reading Alexa (the escort's) site just makes this feeling grow. Is there no one who feels this way? I'm I the only one?
Maybe I'm being an idealist, maybe I'm just being a stupid romanticist as usual. But But I honestly have no problem bleeding, suffering, even dying for love if it's real. But it doesn't seem real. Is it just a more complex version of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? Just a pretty mask they put over the face of an animalistic ritual? Do we make ourselves feel this way at varying degrees to feel more human and less instinctual?
My first choice for the writing would obviously be Rebecca. I mention her so much that I'm sick of hearing about her. But the truth is she's left a deep impact on me. Since her, I feel like hiding what you really feel for too long is not only unwise, but dangerous. Of course, the lesson learned from Danielle blew that ideology back a few steps, but not that much. Going out with the Whore (maybe I shouldn't say that now that I have an escort friend.... I dunno the etiquette for something like that) taught me to watch my back and be aware of what's going on. Not paranoid, but aware. But that's common knowledge. Now Alyssa too has joined the ranks of the previously enamored and I feel like I haven't learned the real lesson. People shouldn't be lessons, they shouldn't be just experiences you glean knowledge and new concepts from. They are human beings. Danielle is human. The Unmentionable is human (albeit a stupid one). Alyssa is human. Even Rebecca is human. So am I really becoming a better person if I just file them under the "learning experience" category? How many more girls am I going to go through before I've "learned" enough? I don't want seven hundred girlfriends. I don't want a model. I don't want a professor of metaphysics. I don't want a threesome with two drunk girls. I don't want a vacanacy that's filled for a few weeks at a time. I just want someone. Someone who feels. Not even necessarily the way I do, because then I could just be looking forever. Just someone who isn't afraid to be wrong. Because in the end, we're all wrong about something, and that's okay.
Oxie's probably right; I should probably wait until college. Girls at this age are...I dunno, flighty I guess. They're so afraid of who they are and who they want to be that they won't just accept it. A lot of guys are that way too, but in a different way. I never understood being worried about what your profession would be. It doesn't change who you are, no matter what. I don't care if I'm living in a mansion or living in a small apartment, so long as I'm happy. Happiness is all that counts, and I've never seen a store that sells it, never seen someone so good at their job that they got it as a promotion. In the end, all we have is one life. Why waste it worrying about whether you're going to live up to some set of shallow standards? I don't need to please my parents to make me happy. I don't need to cure cancer to make me happy. I don't need to crush someone with my wallet to make me happy. I just need life.
Anyhow, I have to get back to what I was doing. The time cycle isn't waiting for me to finish this up.
Comments