Slippage
I'm not okay. There's something wrong with me. Problem is, I can't put my finger on it. I just feel...off. Am I sick? Is it the whole deal with Alyssa? Is it that no one is updating the forums I post on? Is it lack of sleep? Is it something else?
I've lost focus. I can't function. I want to sleep and forget life for a few hours. I want to wake up and have my problems solved for me. I'd like the stupid blood from this strange hidden wound to clot already. But it doesn't work that way.
I have to put my finger on what is going on. I told Alyssa that she was STILL pretending I didn't exist at school, unless I was hitting her with something or throwing something at her. This whole "Pretending something never happened" crap is tedious. It's wearing at me. This stupid awkward schism is stupid. There's no basis for it. I've worn just about thin. It makes me think of a thousand things to say, all of them horrible. I feel like I'm being punished.
She says she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'm being crazy. Maybe I am. So then what? I guess I've just been hoping really hard that she'll change her mind about things. Realizing slowly that she won't hurts. I feel cheated, to be honest. I feel like I can't move on, and being such a big advocate of moving on, that bothers me. I just....I don't know how to handle myself, a feeling I'm not used to. I just want to sleep. I want to speed ahead in time through all this crap to a point where I'm established. I'm sick of having a future; I want to have results and experiences instead. I don't want to wait for things to come. I feel like when it comes to relationships, I'm physically incapable of learning. The same patterns keep repeating themselves. What the hell? I want this stupid cycle to end already. I need some kind of help that can't be given, and that frustrates me to no end.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow. I'll have to sleep on it.
I've lost focus. I can't function. I want to sleep and forget life for a few hours. I want to wake up and have my problems solved for me. I'd like the stupid blood from this strange hidden wound to clot already. But it doesn't work that way.
I have to put my finger on what is going on. I told Alyssa that she was STILL pretending I didn't exist at school, unless I was hitting her with something or throwing something at her. This whole "Pretending something never happened" crap is tedious. It's wearing at me. This stupid awkward schism is stupid. There's no basis for it. I've worn just about thin. It makes me think of a thousand things to say, all of them horrible. I feel like I'm being punished.
She says she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'm being crazy. Maybe I am. So then what? I guess I've just been hoping really hard that she'll change her mind about things. Realizing slowly that she won't hurts. I feel cheated, to be honest. I feel like I can't move on, and being such a big advocate of moving on, that bothers me. I just....I don't know how to handle myself, a feeling I'm not used to. I just want to sleep. I want to speed ahead in time through all this crap to a point where I'm established. I'm sick of having a future; I want to have results and experiences instead. I don't want to wait for things to come. I feel like when it comes to relationships, I'm physically incapable of learning. The same patterns keep repeating themselves. What the hell? I want this stupid cycle to end already. I need some kind of help that can't be given, and that frustrates me to no end.
Maybe things will be better tomorrow. I'll have to sleep on it.
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