Sleep It Off
I had another crap day today. Things have just been going down south for me recently, although I do admit it was better today, since I had people to talk to. I don't know; I've just felt really down in the past few days. I don't want to point fingers, because it isn't anyone's fault, but sometimes I...I dunno. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I'm not one to keep secrets, so that puts me in a tight spot. I guess I'll start from the first vivid point and gradually attempt to move into the abstract.
So my stepbrother called me two days ago. He wants me to go back out to my father's to visit him. At this point I think everyone here knows how I feel about my dad, but I don't mind him anymore. It's Rebecca and....her husband....that I'd rather not see. I just want to remove her from my life, scrape her out and deposit her and her residue in the trash. I like to think that every experience, good or bad, has a lesson in it. She had no lesson to teach. While watching Dead Like Me the other day, I found the perfect quote to describe what I mean: "I love you, you're beautiful. I just don't like you anymore." That's how I feel. Do you know what it feels like to have a girlfriend and still have feelings for that....ugh. The feelings aren't strong like they used to be. Or maybe they're lying dormant. Regardless, I don't want to have anything to do with her. Period. She's just so....fucking stupid, that's what I want to say. She knows as well as I do that the solution to getting out of her issues is not to marry the first guy that comes along. Or maybe she doesn't. Just...I don't even like thinking about her.
All of this makes me think of Alyssa. I've been so wrapped up in how I feel for someone I don't want to feel for that I'm afraid of...Jesus, I don't even know. I would never, ever cheat on her, but I also don't know how the idea of this stupid Rebecca sits on her. I just don't want to hurt her. She's been going through things of her own (which I won't get into; if she wants you to know, she'll tell you), and I really don't want to burden her with my problems. But these past two days I feel as though I am not wanted. She makes me feel like I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do, and that's a really fucking terrible feeling, let me tell you. She won't sit near me, she won't talk to me, she'll hold my hand or hug me reluctantly... I just feel...tolerated. Like, "Okay, you can hug me for now if you'll leave me alone later." Today, I waited an extra hour for her to get done with her extended class, and she gave me like five minutes of quasi-attention. It's that kind of stuff that makes me want to sit in the corner and cease to be. It makes me feel like I'm being a bad person, like I'm being needy and self-absorbed. It makes me feel like she's trying to live her life and I'm interupting her with my petty needs. It hurts. It hurts even more when I try to talk about what I'm going through and Travis tells me to shut up, that I'm being a stupid bitch or whatever. That's a real shitty attitude to take towards a friend who wants to get something off his chest. At this exact moment right now, I really just want to cry in her lap and tell her this in person, but at this exact moment right now, I feel I'd just be wasting her time. I feel so weak.
I know that she's never really been out with someone before. I know. I know. I tried helping her last night with some of her problems, and I feel like it blew up in my face. It's just...I see her pain and I want to help, but the more I try, the harder she pushes away. I want to cry, but it's not my fight, as she's made clear more than once. I just want to be there for her, to be her safety net, but it seems like when I'm setting myself up she's performing in another tent, if you know what I mean. The fact that she questions her worth at all makes me really pissed off at her father, the main instigator of her problems. I just...So much has been going on, and it's wiping me out. When I need support, I'm pushed away. When I want to support, I'm pushed away. When I'm down in the dumps, I'm ignored.
If you don't want to help me with my issues, that's fine. I've dealt with them before. But please don't punish me for trying to be there for you, Alyssa.
So my stepbrother called me two days ago. He wants me to go back out to my father's to visit him. At this point I think everyone here knows how I feel about my dad, but I don't mind him anymore. It's Rebecca and....her husband....that I'd rather not see. I just want to remove her from my life, scrape her out and deposit her and her residue in the trash. I like to think that every experience, good or bad, has a lesson in it. She had no lesson to teach. While watching Dead Like Me the other day, I found the perfect quote to describe what I mean: "I love you, you're beautiful. I just don't like you anymore." That's how I feel. Do you know what it feels like to have a girlfriend and still have feelings for that....ugh. The feelings aren't strong like they used to be. Or maybe they're lying dormant. Regardless, I don't want to have anything to do with her. Period. She's just so....fucking stupid, that's what I want to say. She knows as well as I do that the solution to getting out of her issues is not to marry the first guy that comes along. Or maybe she doesn't. Just...I don't even like thinking about her.
All of this makes me think of Alyssa. I've been so wrapped up in how I feel for someone I don't want to feel for that I'm afraid of...Jesus, I don't even know. I would never, ever cheat on her, but I also don't know how the idea of this stupid Rebecca sits on her. I just don't want to hurt her. She's been going through things of her own (which I won't get into; if she wants you to know, she'll tell you), and I really don't want to burden her with my problems. But these past two days I feel as though I am not wanted. She makes me feel like I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do, and that's a really fucking terrible feeling, let me tell you. She won't sit near me, she won't talk to me, she'll hold my hand or hug me reluctantly... I just feel...tolerated. Like, "Okay, you can hug me for now if you'll leave me alone later." Today, I waited an extra hour for her to get done with her extended class, and she gave me like five minutes of quasi-attention. It's that kind of stuff that makes me want to sit in the corner and cease to be. It makes me feel like I'm being a bad person, like I'm being needy and self-absorbed. It makes me feel like she's trying to live her life and I'm interupting her with my petty needs. It hurts. It hurts even more when I try to talk about what I'm going through and Travis tells me to shut up, that I'm being a stupid bitch or whatever. That's a real shitty attitude to take towards a friend who wants to get something off his chest. At this exact moment right now, I really just want to cry in her lap and tell her this in person, but at this exact moment right now, I feel I'd just be wasting her time. I feel so weak.
I know that she's never really been out with someone before. I know. I know. I tried helping her last night with some of her problems, and I feel like it blew up in my face. It's just...I see her pain and I want to help, but the more I try, the harder she pushes away. I want to cry, but it's not my fight, as she's made clear more than once. I just want to be there for her, to be her safety net, but it seems like when I'm setting myself up she's performing in another tent, if you know what I mean. The fact that she questions her worth at all makes me really pissed off at her father, the main instigator of her problems. I just...So much has been going on, and it's wiping me out. When I need support, I'm pushed away. When I want to support, I'm pushed away. When I'm down in the dumps, I'm ignored.
If you don't want to help me with my issues, that's fine. I've dealt with them before. But please don't punish me for trying to be there for you, Alyssa.
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