Memory Lane

So of course I told Simone to read the site. When will I ever learn? But telling her actually prompted me to go read it all again, from pretty much the beginning, and some of the stuff we've all written is pretty surprising. Not to kiss my own ass, but a lot of the more heartfelt posts from Lucio and I really nailed home with me, temporarily reviving feelings I haven't had in months. I've forgotten so much of what I've written that every little quip and paragraph that I read, I feel like I'm reading for the first time, rather than proofreading. It's truly fascinating. There's a lot of anger between Travis, Matt, and I. Enough to even surprise me. Did we all really take the title of pirate so seriously that we actually turned on each other for semantical purposes? I can only feel shame and wonder how we let ourselves come to the point where Lucio had to sit down and sort things out. That's not us; it never has been, it never will be. There's a lot of pain in the past posts as well. The Rebecca thing is obvious, but the Danielle thing was even worse. It was like watching a train about to plummet off the rails and into a canyon. Things that I remember writing vigorously, hoping to accomplish some goal I now see for what they were really doing: tearing down whatever progress I had made. More than one time I read and said aloud, "What are you doing? What do you think saying this will accomplish?" Of course, I if not everyone remembers my notoriously early dropping of the L-bomb. That's using the word "love" when you've been going out for all of two days. I realize that inside I'm pretty intense emotionally, but even now I can't think of why I wrote that. Actually I can. Inexperience. You see, as much as some of the things I've said and thought have damaged the immeadiate present, it has also given me a little experience in what to and not to say and do. I used to think that if you went out with someone, it was like getting into a cannon and just shooting straight to the top of romance and touchie feelie shit, for lack of a better description. But fucking up with Danielle and doing well with Simone has taught me that it isn't me as a person that causes the problems. What I learned was a little moderation. You see, in due time, Simone will get to know the whole me, if we stay at it, just like I'll get to know the whole her. The trick is to know how much to learn every day, and stick with what feels right, not with what you want to happen. Now, I know what some of you may be thinking; what are doing, stop while you're ahead, blah blah. I can't believe it, but I haven't actually thought about Rebecca in forever. Being with Simone makes me not give a damn what she does with her messed up life. Yes, it's tragic, but it's also a vortex, and trying to fix it only gets you in deeper. It took me one musical to do what I thought what take forever to do; just move on. It's easy to say you've moved on, and Lord knows I've said it, but for the first time after reading everything I really feel it. Was it really so subtle that it snuck up on me so quietly? I feel so free reading the things I've written in the past, seeing the depths of my despair and seeing the ridiculousness of some of my highest hopes. Being able to look back on everything I've done wrong as a lesson instead of a mistake makes me feel...older. The fact that I can just hold Simone in my arms and not even care about what wasn't and what could have been feels so damn liberating. Even if we don't make it and we end up hating each other (something I can't forsee) I'm finally appreciating the trip instead of the destination. So thank you Bleacher Boys. Thank you Oxie and everyone else on the internet. Thank you Eric and Dalder. Thank you Roman and Travis. Thank you Dad, Ethan and Mom. Thank you Island High. Thank you bus driver who I am convinced is God. Thank you Danielle. Thank you Rebecca. Thank you Simone.

That's the only way I can really describe it. To really know what I mean, just read it. It's quite a trip.